To except DS21 to share a room with his sister? *edited by MNHQ*

You can’t fix a person’s MH issues for them. They have to want to work on it themselves. Sometimes that means you have to step back to make them step forward.

@CautiousLurker01 You’re absolutely right, parents can be supportive towards young adult children, but we can’t fix all their problems, they have to take the initiative themselves.

It’s exactly the same for all adults tbh, no one else can fix our problems (our partners or spouses, for example), we have to work on them ourselves.

It seems that the only positive outcome would be for him to move out. Can he get help from the council due to his mental health issues and the overcrowding problem?

Did you read the bit about the abuse from the ex and having to downsize?

You do know circumstances can change…

I suspect you thought you were being clever with this comment, but you really weren’t

It’s unreasonable to expect your daughter to share with a sibling that is terrorising the house and taking drugs that increase aggression.

Wow. The mind boggles at this comment.

OP fled an abusive marriage and husband cant know where they live. So, actually OP must have had to work pretty hard to get an alternative home for her and keep the family together and its likely money is tight on a single income.

Your eldest daughter is a troubled soul, for sure. But you have your younger children to consider, and yourself. Time for some tough love with the eldest, she doesn’t get to hold the whole family hostage because of her issues. Help her move out. Maybe she can ask a trans support organisation for advice on housing.

21 Female wants to share with 15 male? That is certainly not right (I hope i've read that right)

21 year old should be contributing towards the house and either studying or working or both. I would be asking them to find their own place and not dictating who shares with who regardless of gender

The OP uses the term he and, as I understand it he is taking hormones and is transitioning from female to male.

I agree!

Yes, I agree! Housing is a problem for many people. Sometimes a parent in the living room might work, I think in this case, it wouldn't.

In this thread, I don’t think it matters if the child is a DD or DS or our views on “gender” because they shouldn’t be in with any of their siblings.

We get loads of threads where it is the obvious solution- like when it’s a child under 18 who has unaccountably been put in the living room - usually a step child of the OP.

So I guess it’s a knee jerk response!

Sometimes the most caring thing you can do for your [adult] child is draw a line in the sand and enforce the consequences.

Lots of YP have MH issues - drug or alcohol addiction, DPD/EUPD, and so on. It doesn’t mean you continue to pander to their wants at the expense of all other family members’ needs.

The best thing we did for our DD was to issue an ultimatum - get a job/pay rent, move out, or get her act together to get a L3 qualification and go to uni. We made it clear that another year of lounging in bed, only leaving the house to meet/drink with friends, and not contributing to family life was not allowed and that we would escort her to citizens advice to start the process of applying for housing and benefits ourselves if necessary. As a result she started engaging with therapy properly, taking her meds (and talking to GP about side effects so it could be tweaked), and started uni 10 days ago. It has been a shock to her system, but the alternative was putting up with her holding the whole family hostage to her MH issues because we were all afraid to do/say anything because she was ‘unwell’.

You can’t fix a person’s MH issues for them. They have to want to work on it themselves. Sometimes that means you have to step back to make them step forward.

And the five-year-old?

Exactly how is it possible, in practical terms, for all OP's children to be "comfortable in their own home"?

"Supporting" the "poor lad" how exactly?

If feeling sorry for this messed up young man whose parents were too irresponsible to ensure (when planning their separation) that all of their children (young and young adult) were properly housed and able to have some privacy and comfort at home then yes, clearly I am 'mental'.

I find it hard to believe that this is a real scenario, to be honest. If it is, here is a mother who clearly thoroughly dislikes her child. Not one nice thing written about him. Kid is in therapy. Can you imagine ever writing about your own child that way? Not making sure they were comfortable in their own home?

That is not being 'mental' it is caring for and loving your children.

Take the question of whether it's reasonable or not out of the equation because it's really just a matter of practicality. The house isn't big enough for everyone to have their own rooms. (You should not feel guilty about that. You are doing the best you can to support your family.) Everyone is sharing a bedroom, except for your DS15, who is in a box room. Is your adult child expecting everyone else to move around to cater to their whim (ie. your DD15 move into the box room and DS15 move into the bigger room with your adult child)?

Your other children are still children, at school, and need to be living at home. Your adult child is old enough to get (and keep) a job and rent a room in a shared house elsewhere. When they have their own place, which they pay for themselves, they can dictate where people sleep in their property. When they're living in your property, they'll have to follow your rules.

I’ve read your posts and I think I understand sleeping arrangements so far.
DS21 and DD15 share partitioned in biggest room.
You share with DD5 in middle room
DS15 in box room.

Personally I think DS21 should go on sofa. Yes keep some clothes etc upstairs but it’s him that is the problem here - he’s old enough to move out but isn’t! So if he doesn’t want to share then the sofa it is!

You can’t spend your life feeling guilty for the break up and letting DS21 guilt you into letting him be so frankly selfish and manipulative at home. The trans thing is irrelevant to this behaviour - he’s being a selfish, lazy entitled prick.

DS has MH issues - so do a large proportion of population! Taking a pill or accessing therapy isn’t a magic bullet. He has to help himself - get a routine and stop moping about and expecting the world to land in his lap! He can’t sleep because he stays in bed all day. If he wants to fix his sleep he has to be out of bed 9am every day. He needs to go for walks and get offline , help clean house, look at some training courses or jobs etc etc. Right now he’s saying woe is me I can’t have this dream job, dream relationship, dream home life - whilst being a selfish prick and reaping exactly what he’s sowing.

I think you did right standing your ground with him and I’d continue to do so. He shouldn’t be sharing with either child now as he’s an aduly and they are children - he should get his own place and start taking responsibility for himself. In the meantime the sofa it is!

I think that's a good point, @PumpkinsAndCoconuts Focus on your 15 yr old DD.

woman or man: I don’t think a mentally unstable, depressed adult who comes home drunk should share the room with a 15 yo.
Especially when that adult is upset by what seems to be a fairly standard level of teenage „noise“.

And I do find the fact that it has apparently just been quietly assumed to that this adult will share with the 15 yo girl quite toxic, yes.

OP‘s has explicitly stated that her 15 yo DS is happy in his own room and is just as noisy, so that wouldn’t solve the issue of the 15 yo DD being „noisy“ and disturbing her adult child.

so the 15 yo DS is allowed to be just as noisy in the privacy of his own room but the 15 yo girl is made to feel that her apparently quite standard level of noisiness (aka her taking up space) is a problem? In her own room, which really ought to be to be safe space for her?
and her preferences and needs haven’t even been a discussion?

I really would worry about the lessons being taught to that 15 yo girl!

I am not saying that the 21 yo is not deserving of love and support. But the 21 yo is an adult. The 15 yo girl is not.

believe that you’re focusing on the wrong person. It shouldn’t be about whether your oldest child rooming with DS15 would solve for your oldest child‘s problems / complaints about rooming with his sister.

The question is whether rooming with your DS21 is in the best interest of your 15 yo daughter!

and is it really appropriate for your 15 yo daughter to room with your 21 year old son? Who comes home drunk, suffers from depression and seems to be extremely inconsiderate? I don’t think so.

He's answered his own question. He's an adult and doesn't like the living arrangements at your place - move out! End of story.

Testosterone, or no, she’s still a female though.

Totally agree.

Time to support your other children and protect them from their arrogant sibling.

It’s interesting that her mental health is too fragile for work but international travel with unearned money was a breeze and late nights drinking, shagging and wanting to go to gigs hasn’t stopped.

If life was this simple we’d all be doing it. Time for her to engage with the reality of adult life and move out.

He is probably on some sort of disability benefit if he is on antidepressants.