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AIBU?

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Original poster

To except DS21 to share a room with his sister? *edited by MNHQ*

190 replies

DasDrummer · 01/10/2025 16:20

I'm a mum to 4 DC, DS21, DD15, and DS15, DD5

My eldest was born a girl but ill use DS for this thread as it's his argument for why he can't share a room. He is on testosterone and to a lot of people he “passes” as a man.

He barely finished school, he didn't take his GCSEs as it was in 2020, he briefly started a catering course at college but he dropped out after a few months. In 2019 I split with their dad and he started sharing a room with DD and has done since. I had to downsize and there was nothing I could do. They have the biggest room and DS15 has the box room. It isn't possible for me to sleep on the sofa and give one of them my room. DD5 is in with me (in her own bed though)

Anyway, he got a job at 17 (he turned 18 later that year) it was at the supermarket. He ended up buying tickets to see an artist he liked as they were going on tour and the manager said no he couldn't have it off, he ended up quitting. He got his trust fund at 18 and wasted it to go travelling around Europe to different shows for said artist. He basically said he could do what he wanted

He was gone for most of 2023, he came back and didn't get a job, he stayed in bed all day on his phone. He also met a girl that lived in Germany and spent Christmas 2023 with her (this was with him getting UC and buying cheap flights), he finally got a job early last year, the gf came here to visit him and DD had to share a bed with me for the week. I don't know why I allowed him to dictate but I regret it.

Anyway, they split up and he started saying he was depressed and he’d stay in bed all day etc. He ended up quitting the job in Feb/March and again he’d just stay in bed constantly. He did end up going to the GP and was given antidepressants and he's had 1 session of therapy.

He got a boyfriend in the summer and he was out with him a lot, he'd come over but honestly it was too much too soon. I never let him stay over apart from agreeing to when me and my younger DC were away (they broke up before this happened though). When they broke up the behaviour was the same, in bed most the time. He only eats one meal a day because I don't cook for him, he usually ends up ordering though.

He does go out drinking a few times a week, he gets UC and that mostly goes on nights out (and quickly), he sometimes disturbs us getting in drunk, but other times he stays out. The artist had announced another tour and he's been complaining he has no money to see him more than once which is his own fault tbh.

Anyway, to the point: he is saying he shouldn't have to share with DD15, he's an adult and if he should share with anyone it would be DS as he's not a woman and feels uncomfortable sharing with DD, this led to an argument over me not accepting him, he called me transphobic and I basically told him if he doesn't Iike it he should move out. He stormed out and hasn't replied to my messages, this was last night.

To add: they did used to share bunk beds but now they have their own single bed and the room is slightly partitioned with shelves but he still complains about her and sharing.

AIBU?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Awkwardisfunny · 08/09/2026 14:27

Oh never mind. I asked a question on your new post but found the answer on your old one here.

Pamspeople · 04/10/2025 19:04

Grammarnut · 04/10/2025 09:30

This young person is a woman. It is wrong to misgender her as being male - she is not. And this thread is missing the elephant in the room. The young woman is so disturbed she thinks she is in the wrong body - and no-one is helping her.
That's the cause of her fractured relationships, her dropping out and losing jobs. She is mentally ill.
Doubtless the OP, a loving parent, has been told to affirm her DD's gender identity - but read the Cass Report, this is not a neutral decision and it is damaging.

Please, OP, go and find out about the real effects of affirming your DD as a boy and how you can help her accept her body and her sex.

Edited
Show quote history

Very well said. So many parents think they are being kind by going along with their children's gender fantasies but the long term effects are often devastating. Look up "detranisitoners stories" or similar, OP.

Mcoco · 04/10/2025 13:01

Grammarnut · 04/10/2025 09:30

This young person is a woman. It is wrong to misgender her as being male - she is not. And this thread is missing the elephant in the room. The young woman is so disturbed she thinks she is in the wrong body - and no-one is helping her.
That's the cause of her fractured relationships, her dropping out and losing jobs. She is mentally ill.
Doubtless the OP, a loving parent, has been told to affirm her DD's gender identity - but read the Cass Report, this is not a neutral decision and it is damaging.

Please, OP, go and find out about the real effects of affirming your DD as a boy and how you can help her accept her body and her sex.

Edited
Show quote history

Totally agree such a sensible reply. She needs desperate help

Grammarnut · 04/10/2025 09:30

GiveDogBone · 03/10/2025 22:49

Stop misgendering him. OP used “he” and “his” repeatedly in the original post. How dare you tell her how to refer to her own child? That’s disgusting and offensive behaviour.

Show quote history

This young person is a woman. It is wrong to misgender her as being male - she is not. And this thread is missing the elephant in the room. The young woman is so disturbed she thinks she is in the wrong body - and no-one is helping her.
That's the cause of her fractured relationships, her dropping out and losing jobs. She is mentally ill.
Doubtless the OP, a loving parent, has been told to affirm her DD's gender identity - but read the Cass Report, this is not a neutral decision and it is damaging.

Please, OP, go and find out about the real effects of affirming your DD as a boy and how you can help her accept her body and her sex.

Guytheskiinstructor · 03/10/2025 23:50

GiveDogBone · 03/10/2025 22:49

Stop misgendering him. OP used “he” and “his” repeatedly in the original post. How dare you tell her how to refer to her own child? That’s disgusting and offensive behaviour.

Show quote history

Not disgusting, just accurate. And liberating too.

Enough with the gender identity nonsense already. It’s a risible, meaningless pit of misery.

GiveDogBone · 03/10/2025 22:49

Grammarnut · 03/10/2025 22:29

It's a young woman. 'He' is inappropriate. It's not the issue of where she sleeps it's that she is mentally unwell and needs support.

Show quote history

Stop misgendering him. OP used “he” and “his” repeatedly in the original post. How dare you tell her how to refer to her own child? That’s disgusting and offensive behaviour.

Grammarnut · 03/10/2025 22:29

GiveDogBone · 03/10/2025 15:06

Impossibly difficult.

On the one hand: your house, your rules; he’s disruptive; he must be a total time sink that means you can’t devote enough attention to your other children.

On the other hand: at least if he’s in your house, you know what he’s up to, even if it’s nothing. Out on his own, anything could happen. Probably none of which is good.

It's a young woman. 'He' is inappropriate. It's not the issue of where she sleeps it's that she is mentally unwell and needs support.

Grammarnut · 03/10/2025 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GiveDogBone · 03/10/2025 15:06

Impossibly difficult.

On the one hand: your house, your rules; he’s disruptive; he must be a total time sink that means you can’t devote enough attention to your other children.

On the other hand: at least if he’s in your house, you know what he’s up to, even if it’s nothing. Out on his own, anything could happen. Probably none of which is good.

FutureMarchionessOfVidal · 03/10/2025 12:42

it sounds horribly unfair to your 15 year old DD to make her share with this disruptive & selfish individual. Also terrible to put you through this stress.
For the younger children’s sake, your eldest needs to move out. You just do not have enough room to accommodate this level of selfishness & entitlement.

LeaderBee · 03/10/2025 12:36

Britanniarulesthewaves · 01/10/2025 17:08

You can’t put DS 15 with your adult daughter!! Regardless of her gender identity, your daughter could be at risk of sexual assault, and it would be extremely uncomfortable for DS too. Absolutely not.
There’s no magical wand that will ever make her a man, she always has been and will be female. She shares with her sister. Or she can move out and get a room in a houseshare if she doesn’t like it!!

Jesus christ, jumping straight to the worst possible scenario aren't we?

jeaux90 · 03/10/2025 11:32

OH gosh OP this is tough but the reality is that he is female so in principle there is nothing wrong with them sharing the bedroom with DD15.

But it’s definitely time to get tough on this, if they are old enough to take the decision to travel, be on T etc then they are old enough to get a job or at least live by your rules. You are letting the entitlement get a bit out of control here.

I feel for your DD15 it’s a big year for her, she needs peace and quiet to study and focus.

anon666 · 03/10/2025 10:59

Yanbu. Whilst your ds sounds like he's going through a tough time growing up, it doesn't excuse all this drama and selfishness.

Sadly you have to think about yourself and your other dc.

It's very hard though. You don't want to lose them altogether but it does sound like they need a bit of a rude awakening by a spell living outside the home!

My dd was a nightmare when she lived at home, but now she's been away, I think she appreciates us a bit more.

Daftypants · 03/10/2025 09:37

Oh my, this isn’t acceptable at all.
Transitioning ok if that’s what they want
Travelling ok so long as they can save up , fund it themselves and get time off on holiday from work
But the lazing about , quitting jobs , not contributing in any way at all to your household , disturbing his siblings late at night by coming in after drinking is really unfair on them and you.
They need to move out , you’re already overcrowded in my opinion and they need to look at a house share

Mcoco · 03/10/2025 08:07

He sounds confused and depressed. I am glad he is having help for his mental health. I would go the other way and not want him to move out as depression is a worry keep an eye on him. But so sorry I have no answers.

Monty27 · 03/10/2025 02:18

Why can't dd have the small room to herself?
This is totally fucked up @DasDrummer

Dumpspirospero · 02/10/2025 23:47

This is ridiculous. You have enabled this. Set some boundaries and stick with them. He sounds like he’s crying out for some boundaries.

ThistleTits · 02/10/2025 23:34

DasDrummer · 01/10/2025 16:43

Their dad was emotionally abusive towards me, and doesn't know where we live, has no contact with me or the DC.

DS often blames me for his issues and maybe I am at fault. He does pay a small amount when he gets his UC but then often complains and asks for it back because he has no money and I never buy food he likes.

I've not asked the other DC what they think but he isn't close to DD and the main issue is she wakes him up when she gets up for school because she turns the light on (poor him 🙄) and she plays her music/YouTube without headphones. But they never do anything together, they were watching the exact same show at the time in the same room but separate. He's less close to DS.

He often doesn't sleep until 4/5/6am (he's admitted this himself) and sleeps all day, he was given tablets to help with the sleep but he still spends most of his time in bed on his laptop/phone.

Can manage to get up and out when he has his UC. Don't give him the money back when he's skint, it's not his money. Doesn't like it, he leaves. It's difficult, I've been in a similar situation myself. I ended up not knowing who's house it was. Oh and I also get the blame for her messed up life. He may not speak for a few weeks but it's best for him to live elsewhere.

Pamspeople · 02/10/2025 20:41

This young person is being enabled to believe in magical thinking - that people can change sex(they can't) and that people can stay in bed all day, not work or study, not address their mental health problems and still have somewhere of their choice to live - ie that there are no consequences to their actions. It's not doing them any favours at all to indulge this stuff, they need firm and loving limits. They are 21, an adult. They need to face the consequences of their choices, move out. For their sake as much as the rest of the family.

Happyher · 02/10/2025 20:23

Let him have the box room and let your 2 DD share the biggest room.

Owly11 · 02/10/2025 20:21

Your eldest child should move out. They sound insufferable.

croydon15 · 02/10/2025 20:13

CrispieCake · 01/10/2025 21:05

I'd offer him the sofa and he needs to be up in the morning when the rest of the household are.

The younger kids deserve a peaceful environment to study for their exams.

If he doesn't like it, out he goes.

This - he can get a job and get out, it will make life easier for your other kids.
Staying in bed all day can't be good for his mental health.

independentfriend · 02/10/2025 20:12

The issue is there aren't as many bedrooms as you'd all want. Ways of fixing this include:

*Him moving out
*You all moving probably north a bit to where housing is cheaper.

  • Him becoming a joint tenant with you + paying a significant chunk of the rent.

The world is really hostile to trans people at the moment. Even when the world was a bit better it was entirely usual for trans people to have higher levels of poor mental health. Ways you might be able to support him:

  • Galop / other domestic abuse resources for 'children' who experienced a parent being abused.
  • You can agree it isn't fair he's sharing with his sister, because it's not, but it's also the least worst alternatives for the time being.
  • Help fund his therapy if it's private
  • Household rules about noise etc - I am not an early morning fan but I can't see a way around his sister getting up at the relevant time to go to school whether or not it wakes him. He could wear a blindfold style sleep mask. He could get up with her, have breakfast and go back to bed. Or get up and get some daylight. Or be even more nocturnal and not go to bed at all until everything else has left the house for the day. He could try CBT style experiments - how does he feel if he sleeps from midnight - 8am each day for a week?
Laura95167 · 02/10/2025 20:07

I feel sorry for his sister.

Tbh i think you already make it too comfy for him at home. He needs a job and make a contribution

thatsthatsaidthemayor · 02/10/2025 19:51

Offer him the roof. If he doesn’t want it his choice. Sounds like he is chronically depressed. Good luck getting any help with that :(