Husband never apologises. Can't leave yet. How to cope with the hurt?

Travelfairy · 2025-10-01T08:58:40+00:00

DH upsets me regularly with his behaviour. Last week was particularly bad, not going into details as its outing but I ended up in tears in a public place which has never happened before. It was a new low in my book. He never apologised. Asked after a while 'are you ok'. I said of course not. His reply is that he is 'not playing into my version of events' and he didn't shout (he did!!) and he has nothing to apologise for. I'm guessing this is a narcissistic trait. I keep flip flopping if he is or isn't a narcissist. Some behaviours definitely are. He just goes on as normal and eventually I start talking to him again as I cant deal with the tension and the children pick up on it. At the moment I am v low contact with him, not messaging at all through day and avoiding him in evenings. Anyone in similar situation. I cant leave him at the moment but its something I'm considering down the line.... YABU- if he doesnt feel he needs to apologise he shouldn't. YANBU-its clear he upset you, he needs to at least apologise and quickly

StressedCat · 31/12/2025 14:42

OMG, I’ve just joined this site and this is so relatable. Thank you for sharing. I’m always made to feel like it is my fault at first and then when I start to try to explain and defend myself DH says it’s all his fault and he’s in the wrong, but in such a way as to make me feel so bad. There’s no in-between with him, no shared responsibility, no option of both being wrong. It’s a purely black and white view with no possibility for a hint of gray anywhere.

OhDear111 · 04/10/2025 03:53

It is a trait of bi polar to blame the other person and say they need therapy. They can buy things that are irrational and adopt a lot of avoidance tactics when they don’t want to do something. There’s definitely a cross over with being a narcissist too. It’s all about them and they never see their faults or that their behaviour is the issue. It’s always a deflection onto the other person. So they don’t apologise because they are in the right and don’t have empathy with others. They just look after themselves.

Original poster

Travelfairy · 04/10/2025 00:16

Tried to reason with him this evening. I dont know why I bothered. He maintains he did nothing wrong, he didnt upset me, I created upset to use it against him (like sorry what??).

Starting to think there's actually something wrong with him...his mother has bi polar. I dont know alot about it, she lives in a different country but I dont know if hes 'just' a narc or something more behind it. His behaviour is plain weird at present. He is going away with work on Monday for 5 days and I cant bloody wait!

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Original poster

Travelfairy · 04/10/2025 00:12

estellacandance · 03/10/2025 22:27

I hear you.
Mine will say the word sorry and says that’s an apology.

I dont even get that. But yeah thats not an apology.

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Original poster

Travelfairy · 04/10/2025 00:11

Greentopping · 03/10/2025 22:39

I think buying things when he's behaved badly is a narc trait. It puts you in a position of having to thank the person. It's something my dm does when she's been really abusive. No apologies. But aren't you going to thank me for the gift. It wipes the slate clean for someone with no empathy.

Omg this!! He sees it as a fresh slate 100%

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Greentopping · 03/10/2025 22:39

I think buying things when he's behaved badly is a narc trait. It puts you in a position of having to thank the person. It's something my dm does when she's been really abusive. No apologies. But aren't you going to thank me for the gift. It wipes the slate clean for someone with no empathy.

estellacandance · 03/10/2025 22:27

I hear you.
Mine will say the word sorry and says that’s an apology.

Original poster

Travelfairy · 03/10/2025 15:45

OhDear111 · 03/10/2025 04:23

@Travelfairy You won’t get all of the house. If he goes and it’s divorce there’s not going to be 100% for you.

No i dont think for a second I would. I just meant in short term while waiting to sell the house where could he/I go...

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PollyBell · 03/10/2025 05:35

We only know your version so hard to say, but yes gping low contact seems best, and no I dont thinl legally the law will hand you the house just because there are children, if i got this idea right

Yes seek legal advice rather than any poster who throws legal opinions such 'take him for everything' type thing it doesn't work that and is unhelpful, which is why they have solicitors or legal avenues for

OhDear111 · 03/10/2025 04:23

@Travelfairy You won’t get all of the house. If he goes and it’s divorce there’s not going to be 100% for you.

Original poster

Travelfairy · 02/10/2025 22:28

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I am a FT carer for my DD

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Original poster

Travelfairy · 02/10/2025 22:28

OhDear111 · 02/10/2025 18:27

My DH always requires ME to apologise. I know this abusive trait. I never do of course because he’s the problem. So I would just get off the apologizing horse. It’s not worth thinking about because it’s just a word. When he says it, it will be meaningless. That’s why I don’t respond. If you can engage him in changing his behaviour, it might be better. My DH tells me to move out too. When hell freezes over!

I am sorry you are going through this 😔

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Tallawah · 02/10/2025 22:19

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Travelfairy · 02/10/2025 22:12

CC222 · 02/10/2025 18:16

If you really cannot leave right now, I’d consider some therapy to help guide you through these feelings and find coping mechanisms for when things get tough and also to help you figure out a structured plan on making steps towards leaving.
This must be a lot to deal with and I feel for you. Being in an abusive relationship is soul destroying and I’m sorry to say it’s only going to eat away at your self esteem more the longer you stay with him.
Break down what exactly it is stopping you from leaving right now, and then look towards overcoming those hurdles so you can start working towards having a life free of this abuse.

Thank you, really solid advice. I am planning on getting lots of information. Financially there's a lot to consider. We cannot support two properties. His parents live abroad. So I dont know where he could go and I dont want me and kids could leave family home

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OhDear111 · 02/10/2025 18:27

My DH always requires ME to apologise. I know this abusive trait. I never do of course because he’s the problem. So I would just get off the apologizing horse. It’s not worth thinking about because it’s just a word. When he says it, it will be meaningless. That’s why I don’t respond. If you can engage him in changing his behaviour, it might be better. My DH tells me to move out too. When hell freezes over!

realsavagelike · 02/10/2025 18:19

CC222 · 02/10/2025 18:16

If you really cannot leave right now, I’d consider some therapy to help guide you through these feelings and find coping mechanisms for when things get tough and also to help you figure out a structured plan on making steps towards leaving.
This must be a lot to deal with and I feel for you. Being in an abusive relationship is soul destroying and I’m sorry to say it’s only going to eat away at your self esteem more the longer you stay with him.
Break down what exactly it is stopping you from leaving right now, and then look towards overcoming those hurdles so you can start working towards having a life free of this abuse.

All of this.

realsavagelike · 02/10/2025 18:18

Start making concrete plans to get out - start quietly gathering information on what you may be entitled to in terms of benefits, maintenance etc. You don't need to act on it until you are ready, but you will know when you are. Not in UK, but I think Women's Aid is probably a great place to start.

CC222 · 02/10/2025 18:16

If you really cannot leave right now, I’d consider some therapy to help guide you through these feelings and find coping mechanisms for when things get tough and also to help you figure out a structured plan on making steps towards leaving.
This must be a lot to deal with and I feel for you. Being in an abusive relationship is soul destroying and I’m sorry to say it’s only going to eat away at your self esteem more the longer you stay with him.
Break down what exactly it is stopping you from leaving right now, and then look towards overcoming those hurdles so you can start working towards having a life free of this abuse.

JohnDenver · 02/10/2025 18:00

Travelfairy · 02/10/2025 11:30

What are you doing while you bide your time? Pretending all ok? Are you intimate etc? So sorry you are also in this situation

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No intimacy in the last 6m. I have the ick.

pretending all is ok. And keeping myself busy.

Original poster

Travelfairy · 02/10/2025 11:30

JohnDenver · 01/10/2025 23:37

I have a DH like this too and for various reasons not currently in a position to leave.
never apologises. Ever.

runs around fixing physical things and other people’s things as if that will fix it all.
I'm done with it.
biding my time until I find the space and fortitude to move on.

What are you doing while you bide your time? Pretending all ok? Are you intimate etc? So sorry you are also in this situation

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Original poster

Travelfairy · 02/10/2025 11:28

SlieveMiskish · 01/10/2025 23:22

Is he neurodiverse? Is he generally crap at relationships? Does socialising exhaust him?

No diagnosis bit i strongly suspect ADHD. He has zero empathy. He will practically help with things. Like when my Dad died made a video montage for funeral which was lovely, he spent hours on it but never asked was I ok or offered any emotional support. My Aunt died last year, we were extremely close, like a mother to me. He was away for funeral on a business trip and honestly it didnt even make a difference because he is zero support in situations like that. Again will do practical things like drive to venue or something but wont entertainment what grief is like and that it doesnt end at the funeral!
I never talk to him about it because its pointless....

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JohnDenver · 01/10/2025 23:37

I have a DH like this too and for various reasons not currently in a position to leave.
never apologises. Ever.

runs around fixing physical things and other people’s things as if that will fix it all.
I'm done with it.
biding my time until I find the space and fortitude to move on.

SlieveMiskish · 01/10/2025 23:22

Is he neurodiverse? Is he generally crap at relationships? Does socialising exhaust him?

Original poster

Travelfairy · 01/10/2025 23:08

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/10/2025 13:18

If you’re “very low contact” with and avoiding your husband, I imagine he’s probably more than aware that the marriage is over in everything but name. Neither of you have much motivation or incentive to keep up the pretence of liking each other, you’re both resentful and miserable, and nothing’s going to change until you separate properly and can get things rolling with divorce. There’s never a perfect time to do it, and you’re doing more damage to yourselves living half lives in this dysfunction.

You would think that but I think he thinks that ill just be in a bad mood for a few days and snap out of it....its me who is the problem in his eyes and I think he believes i will never leave him

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MsSmartShoes · 01/10/2025 22:31

There are many people who think that apologies make them weak. It’s a way of avoiding accountability and to dress up their stubbornness as some kind of aggressive strength. These people are emotionally stunted.