Do I send the kids when they don’t want to go

Tbh at their young ages, yes I do think it's important that they go in order to maintain a relationship with their father.

Try and think how acceptable you'd think it was if it was flipped and they didn't want to come home to you when they were at their dad's (practicalities of living primarily with you aside)? I don't think you'd think that was a possibility in the same way as it's important for children to spend time with both parents.

By all means share with him that they're sometimes not keen, might make him rethink what he does with them on his time. But I think they definitely should still be going. 6 and 9 is not old enough to decide you no longer want to pursue a relationship with your father.

How would you like it if the boot was on the other foot.
Dad was writing about you?

We all have to do things we don't want too sometimes.

Why do you accept it, give him it back to do his own laundry for the kids. Similarly with school, he needs to sort uniforms etc - it feels pointless because you’re still doing wife work.

My 9 year old is the same, absolutely hates going and cries for two nights beforehand. But my older DC is fine. Could it be just a difficult age where they're more attached to DM?

Agree with others though, you need to facilitate it for your DCs sake, and that may make all the effort for you feel easier.

My DD 9 just hates having to go between houses and not being with me. And I don't blame her, it's her life and I wouldn't like to be being shipped around either.

Controversially I think more shorter stints are better than longer ones, so going round for tea, simple school pick ups and one night sleepovers, but several times a week to keep the contact there, but without the big upheaval. But that's probably not for everyone.

It doesn’t have to be pointless.
I presume he picks them up after school around 3.30?
Thats so much time there. All kids need is to feel they’re loved and cared for. If they have his attention for a while and feel cared for then there’s real benefit there.
If he’s just leaving them to watch tv or have screentime while he does whatever, then that’s pointless.

So he gets them Sunday morning, takes them to school Monday, has them Monday night and then drops them at school on Tuesday? That’s not actually much time for him to do homework etc with them so I wouldn’t expect that tbh. They need to spend time with their dad, taking away Monday would give them practically no time with him and makes it more likely contact would reduce to nothing.

Why do you have to get things ready for school? If he's taking them to school from his then he needs to do all that.

He sounds rubbish. No wonder they’re bored if he’s picking them up late on Sunday. What’s he doing with them? Sunday nights have a ‘get ready for the week’ feel which can feel boring.
I don’t know what’s wrong with many men.
It honestly doesn’t take much to make your kids feel loved, wanted and time spent to be enjoyable.
No one has to do amazing excursions constantly or anything but even playing a game or getting snacks and watching a film with them is fun at that age.

Yes they need to go even if its boring.

You need to speak to him to tell him he needs to do something with the kids and remind him of his responsibilities to them. He is their father and even though he may not live with them that doesn't mean everything falls to you.

padronpepper · 01/10/2025 09:26

Why should the op have to help navigate them having a relationship with a father who seems at best disinterested in them? Why is he not expected to step up and be a father?

Because she’s predominantly with them and they’re talking to her about it. Plus while he isn’t doing the parenting bit properly, ie school stuff, disinterested is a jump, op said he’s having them a certain day because it suits him, isn’t that what life is? Work/ an appointment/ plans we made makes us do something on a certain day so we have to pick a day that suits better

Yes you send the kids. Being bored or not wanting his partner there isn't a good reason for them not to go. However he does need to stick to a mutually agreed schedule as you should have just as much say as him. Perhaps mediation is a good option to get one agreed?

Personally I don't think DC of 6 and 9 are in a position to know what's best for them, and I think they should see their DF. A 6 year old could say something is boring, and change their mind 5 minutes later.

You should probably speak to them and check what is making them not want to go, and if you have a reasonable relationship maybe mention to your ex-H. If it's the presence of his gf could she be introduced more gradually so he can spend the time focused on his kids?

I'd go against the grain of MN though and say I don't think you're two separate parents who no longer need to support one another just because you broke up. You chose to have children together, and even if your relationship has ended, you need to work together to parent them as best you can (unless of course he was abusive or something).

That's on him as much as you though.

YABU

They need to go to their dad's. Its not up to you to decide they don't go because its a bit inconvenient and they grumble about it.

Yes he needs to make more effort but you should be encouraging them to go

YABU

They need to go to their dad's. Its nitbup to you to decide they don't go because its a bit inconvenient and they grumble about it.

Yes he needs to make more effort but you should be encouraging them to go

They should see their dad because he’s their parent and the relationship matters, not to give the other parent a break.

I’d not be too worried about them being bored. Life is boring at times, they need boredom to learn how to entertain themselves. Life at my house is hardly a barrel of laughs all the time - running a home is hardly exciting, but my kids are here nonetheless. They also see their dad 50% of the time and I’m sure they are bored there at times too, because life can be boring. Kids expecting an adult to engage with them all the time isn’t helpful or healthy.

That’s a strange outlook. No one knows exactly what their partner will be like as a parent til it happens.

My exh was a brilliant uncle. Always talked about how much he wanted kids. He was a crap and barely engaged father with our two when they were little.