DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

5 hours away is not near!

I dont think its unreasonable just for 1 day while you're near ? You can have a chilled day . And have a spa day yourself 1 day ?

Yeah we can agree to disagree. A family holiday is just that. I historically spent a lot my time alone with my children so wouldn’t be thrilled about it on holiday too whilst my DH concocted some hare-brained plan to see an acquaintance which involved a 10 hour drive.

The thing is, you can’t “say no”. It may be irritating that he wants to be elsewhere but you aren’t his boss or his parent. We can’t control others.

I meant the next day, or another day in the week, not later that night after 10 hours travelling.

I think you need to change your mindset too. Having a day away from childcare completely on holiday is a lovely gift, but so is a day alone with your only child. There’s still plenty of time for whole days together as a family.

Yes and 10 hours even more so. Madness all round!

When Daddy gets back? Daddy is not getting back any time before the DD’s bedtime if at all that night let’s be honest. So a holiday evening alone for the OP too. And I love holiday evenings with DH. Even if we’ve done the odd separate thing in the day (not a 10 hour car journey).

A girly day with a 4 year old? They can be hard work. You definitely can’t take your eyes off them for a minute. And for all those saying OP can have a day ‘off’ in return. That will then be 2 days out of 6 on their ‘family’ holiday that they won’t actually be together.

Maybe because a 5 hr round trip is pretty large amount of time to take out of a holiday to meet up with a casual friend?

How did he broach this with you OP?

You need to switch your mindset. You’ll be on holiday, not stuck in the grind of home life.
Plan a girly day with your DD. She won’t enjoy sightseeing anyway - go to the beach, play games, have fun.
Then when Daddy gets back she can have fun with him while you read a book/whatever.

Stop focusing on the day you think you are losing, and focus on the day you are gaining with your DD, one to one.

Tell your dh to take the 4 year old with him on the 5 hour journey so you can have a lazy day.
He won’t though.

Fwiw my dh would never have countenanced such an idea. Anything over an hour is mad.

@Clareat2021Did you ask why the couple can’t come to you or meet your dh half way ?

We still have no idea why said friend is unwilling to compromise and travel half way to meet the DH who is in holiday with his family do we? Surely by the time the DH gets there it will be a maximum of 2 hours or so to spend with this friend before driving 5 hours back. Yet we are saying this is all normal behaviour. 10 hours in a car on holiday!

I'm with you. I'd be pissed off too. 7 days holiday are precious to me and by doing this he will mess it up, change the dynamic and you're left on your own.

I'd say the friend needs to come to you or nothing

This is all so ott.

OP might not want a day to herself but he clearly does. So she needs to respect that. Some people need a bit more space and time on their own or with people outside of the family than others. Not everyone wants “family time” to be their only social interaction. And that is absolutely fine.

Take him away from his child- a bit melodramatic, and if parents need permission off another to do something i would say the permission giver has bigger issues

Why should she when the DH has given no thought to how this makes him look, or given any consideration to the practicalities of his plan?

If she was acting this way about a day out then fair enough, but he’s not even going to be back for dinner, and most likely breakfast and lunch the next day.

His actions are telling her that someone he’s met in a bar and caught up with two or three times is worth more to him than her and their child. So much more that he’s willing to do 10 hours of driving whilst being totally unwilling to see her point of view, or understand why this holiday means so much to her.

Yeah he kind of is. He is going full throttle on doing something which makes no sense and isn’t thinking it through. I imagine he hasn’t thought through the fact that to make to viable he will need to leave latest 4/5 in the morning and then presumably to make it worthwhile be back in the evening. That 10 hours of driving is over the limit for how much it is recommended that truck drivers drive for and that is if there is no traffic (9 UK US is 11) and they are experienced drivers

So to make it feasible driving needs to be shared either with a half way meeting point or with the OP

which then puts a 4 year old in a car for far too long

the only real solution is for a midway point to be agreed a 5 hour round trip is just about doable for a day

Your DH really isn’t being unreasonable.

Forcing him to be with you will cause resentment and ruin things.

I mean this kindly, but it’s not all about you. Be very careful because selfishness and possessiveness is a complete relationship killer.

Think about how this makes you look.

I suspect some of this is that some Americans view Europe as quite small. I had a friend from Chicago who drove 2 hours each way to work in the city and couldn't really understand why people on mainland Europe aren't always popping from Germany to France, Belgium, Italy, Scandi countries because they're "so close".

5 hours is where I live in the SW to North Yorkshire. I only do that journey about 4 times a year for my own parents.

I think it is okay for your husband to want to be better friends with L. Men are often quite lonely and find it hard to make friends as an adult. It is fine for him to want to nurture a friendship he has built and you shouldn't dismiss it just because you don't have the same connection to the guy.

Women can sometimes think men feel less than we do. They arent as close or loved up by their mothers. Their best friends aren't as "besty" as yours. They don't feel quite the same about their kids as mums do. That's where it can be easy to think that your mum, or friend or relationship with your kid should come first, because you assume you feel more than they do.

You're getting a lot of shit on here OP, but honestly, I would be irritated.

If you're away for a week, you really only get 6 days with travel. And this isn't a few hours seeing a friend, this is up early/gone all day/back late, likely knackered. Doesn't feel very respectful.

If you say you don't want to go, will it end in a sulk on holiday? Because I couldn't be arsed with that either.

I would take it on the chin, and make a plan for yourself the day after he gets back. And then get yourself up nice and early, leave DD in the room with him, and plan a nice day relaxation. Swim, breakfast, walk, lunch, massage. Whatever really. Get some balance back.

But you'll really need to get in the mindset that it's for you to recharge (rather than tit for tat), so.it doesn't cause an argument.

Plan it now, and book some things in if you can, so everyone knows what to expect.

I think he must really want to see this friend, and it’s his holiday too. I’d be ok with it. We had an incident on holiday one year when DH had to rapidly travel home to deal with an issue and return late on the same day, leaving me with DC. It was actually great fun - we had a lovely time pootling about and playing on the beach, then were all excited for Dad’s return. It was rather nice to have (very brief) time holidaying without having to negotiate with another adult about what we were doing or where we we were going to eat etc.