DH leaving us for one day on hol AIBU

Can people stop screaming ‘handmaiden’, ‘pick me’ or ‘cool wife’ at any women who aren’t stressed by the same things as them?

It’s really fucking misogynist to assume that a woman who simply doesn’t have a problem with their partner doing something, because to her, it’s no skin off her nose, is somehow only holding that view because she’s desperately trying to please or accommodate a man. It’s the same sexist, reductive bullshit as men calling their friend ‘henpecked’ or ‘under the thumb’ because they’re happy to have dinner with their wife instead of having a lads’ night out.

I'm with you OP, it changes the whole holiday. He's an idiot.

I would also feel extremely disappointed if my DP wanted to do this on a week long holiday.

Such a long day of travelling would mean they have little time to spend together for the effort, and it would impact the days either side for you guys as well.

It’s clearly bonkers and a crap use of time. Can’t they come to you?

I've just come back from a weekend visiting someone other people would describe as an acquaintance but really she's a very good friend who sees things very clearly that other people close to me do not.

You're disappointed. But he gets a day,you get a day. Truly see it as a gift. His holiday too. Its not like he's going overnight etc etc.

It doesnt matter how long he is travelling. He is gone for the whole day. The journey time is his problem.

make the day a beach / pool day, so you are not missing out.

it would irritate me too but anger is a punishment we give to ourselves.

Bet he doesn’t come back that evening. He’ll make an excuse to stay drinking with this ‘friend’ he met in a bar years ago 🙄 It will turn out to be an overnight stay. Who would travel 10 hours in the same day.

Fed up of hearing things like this. You’d never hear of a mother leaving her husband and child on holiday in a foreign country, to go meet another woman she barely knows.. 5 hours away ! Always men.

To be honest I was thinking the same. Have you spoken to L yourself? Is it possible it’s not L he’s travelling 10 hours for. It seems like SO much effort for someone he’s met three times. I don’t know any man that would make this kind of effort mid holiday for a best mate let alone someone who’s barely an acquaintance.

Me too 🤷🏻‍♀️ but I have to remember that I don’t like very many people at all so that skews the way I see things. I wouldn’t drive 10 hours in one day to see anyone unless they were dying and it was my last chance. I suppose only OP knows if this is something her husband would do for a friend, she doesn’t seem concerned about that aspect of it so perhaps he is. But I’m with you, the mere suggestion of this would have been met with me struggling to understand the effort he’s willing
to put in.

I agree, it is a family holiday.

The ten hour round trip puts a different spin on it. Initially I thought you might easily be able to accompany, or that meeting in the middle or them coming to you could be straightforward. I understand your frustration even aside from the emotional element, because logically the costs seem greater than the benefits. Was it a case of them going ‘oh my god, we’re both in (same country); let’s meet up!’, and your husband enthusiastically offering to do the travel without really thinking it through?

As others have said, there are other ways to do this with less ‘cost’ (without precious lost holiday time, stress of long travel, etc). If these people are American and in Europe for a while, they might be able to fly relatively cheaply to the UK soon after you’re back. That might give your husband and his friend a more meaningful amount of time together. Presumably they can’t do much more than have lunch together as it is. If not, then I suppose he goes if he really wants to and that tells you it’s obviously very important to him. 🤷‍♀️

He's being ridiculous. How far away does this guy live in the US? He may as well make a separate trip to see him there. He'll hardly get any time with him if it's 10hrs travel and it doesn't make any sense.

I'd be so uoset if I were you. It's a stupid idea and I'd be really offended. Stick to your guns and do so confidently - don't feel bad about his terrible idea being exactly that.

your DH is being a mug for travelling 10 hours in one day!!!! Does he feel comfortable driving that distance on his own in a foreign country? Has he actually thought this through? Sounds madness.

10 hours of driving in a day, in a country you’re unfamiliar with; will be utterly exhausting. If he does it, he’ll probably want to stay over as he’ll be knackered. It won’t be a there and back in a day thing.

OP, you still haven’t said why it’s your DH having to do all the travelling? Especially if his mate knows he’s on a family holiday with a small child. Why can’t they travel to you?

But yeah, I totally get why you’re pissed off. I would be too. I’d feel differently if it was a lifelong mate he rarely got to see but taking a whole day out of a short holiday and travelling for 10 hours just to spend time with a bar rando he’s only met twice before is kind of shitty. If the guy was staying somewhere much closer it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but to decide to do this epic bloody trek he’s really prioritising a sporadic friendship over your family and your time together.

Plenty of posters seem to think this is totally normal and fine, but to me it would be a pretty clear indication of who he most wants to spend time with, so I’m not surprised you feel upset.

Its ONE day for an opportunity he might not get again for years (or might be very expensive).

I wouldn't blink at DH doing this.

I've gone off and seen a band whilst he's looked after DS and vice versa whilst abroad before. Both were all day affairs.

You are being totally unreasonable.

I would also see it as a potential investment in the future. Having friends who live in different countries - even if you count them as acquaintances - has a lot of upsides if you maintain contact.

I would feel the same as you op. Would the mate do the same?! If yes then maybe he can do the travel. I would guess no though, because it sounds nuts to me.

Ten hours is an insane amount of travel time. He is taking the piss leaving you and your DD to go hang out with someone he casually met in a bar and he has hung out with twice over the past few years. That is pretty much a stranger he gets along with. If it was family or a close friend maybe, but this is absolutely absurd. Ten hours of travel will impact the day before and after plus cost more for the travel.

Why does OP have to compromise? Maybe she doesn't want her own day off but wants to be together because that is what they planned together as a couple. Now friend is thrown in the mix and he drops his family for him. Why does her DH just get his way because it's what he wants? This martyring syndrome that MN has so the poor widdle DHs won't be sulky is insane.

Just because others are okay with it doesn't mean you have to be OP. He can book his own trip to go play with his mate another time. And honestly, a good friend would not ask a man to leave his family on vacation and travel five hours to hang out. This whole thing is really strange and seems very conveniently planned.

I would hardly call being 5hrs away local

but why can’t they come to your area for lunch

With several friends scattered around the world this is absolutely something I’d do if we were in the same region (I’ve flown to London more than once to meet friends travelling from Australia when their schedule doesn’t allow flying to me). In your circumstances it would be more fair if L were meeting half-way though, is he or can he?

Personally I’d hate to be with someone who tells me what I can or cannot do. Sod that. Equally wouldn’t put them on a lead either. Being considerate is a given but it’s not an unreasonable request to go see a friend and have a bit time on his own. There are plenty single parents solo parenting 24/7. One day spending quality time in a lovely location with DD is not a huge sacrifice. DH likely feels a bit resentful and suffocated. If so wouldn’t blame him. Surely it’s important that his needs are met too and you can dictate the other 6 days?

I wonder, is this a regular occurrence where he gets free time and you don't? On the face of it, it's not an issue (I wouldn't mind my DH doing this with me and my 2.5 year old) but if it's part of a larger issue in terms of family time I can see why you're upset.

I think it’s weird personally when it’s a family holiday but I often find I am at odds with most people on MN. I don’t think I’ve ever had a partner that would like it if I did the same to them either. That said, you’ll have a horrible time if you don’t ‘allow’ him to go, he’ll resent you, you’ll feel like he would rather be elsewhere so at this point I would just say fine. I would certainly be wondering if my relationship is happy though if my partner wanted to spend a full day of a precious, expensive week away with a distant friend and partner instead of me and our child.

I’d be pissed off too OP. A weeks holiday isn’t much as it is especially with travelling/unpacking/packing up again. A day is precious and having one day which wasn’t planned just ruins the whole chilled vibe.

I don’t think you can win. I’d suck it up and let him go. I think trying to arrange a meet up in the middle will be harder for your child and a faff! You don’t really know this person. I think it’s fine to be annoyed - but maybe just a plan a nice day for you both and ask him to return for dinner. - is that possible if his friend came nearer to you?

Obviously everyone’s different, but lots of people wouldn’t find it a big deal. My DP drives these distances, in the UK and abroad, pretty regularly and doesn’t struggle with it at all.