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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ban this girl over biscuit incident?

144 replies

Thisisnothalloween · 30/09/2025 18:46

I may be way overthinking this, but I am trying my best to keep a calm home.

I have a fairly open house policy to my kid's friends & a few other local kids. They come round sometimes to play, hang out, have the occasional snack/drink/use the toilet & get minor cuts/bruises treated when they're playing out (we're in a quiet cul-de-sac with access to local small park). I like knowing that these kids have somewhere safe to go if needed.

Both my DS10 and DD8 are neurodiverse, and most of their local friends also have ND traits (ASD/ADHD, some diagnosed) so it can be a lot of work to balance conflicting needs between a group of them together. When they get on well together, they are great, however, small disagreements can escalate into fireworks quickly. The group are generally good at accepting & understanding of my kids quirks/meltdowns when they become dysregulated, and I try to offer the same in return.

One girl (Child A) has started to come round more over the last few weeks, mostly tagging along to join the eldest of the friends (13). I don't know her well, but my kids like her well enough to have her hang out sometimes with another couple of friends.

There was an incident recently, where another girl (Child B - ADHD with emotional regulation issues) was getting ready to leave, to find that her packet of biscuits was missing from where she left them on a table. The other kids denied all knowledge of where they were, though Child A had a smirk on her face. Child B challenged Child A, and was becoming increasingly upset and screaming at her. Child A continued to deny hiding them & was blaming another friend. As I tried to help calm Child B in the hallway (along with her mother who had come to get her home), the biscuits magically reappeared on the table 🙄
After a few angry words, Child B left (along with the aforementioned biscuits!). After briefly speaking with the remaining friends about playing "pranks", I asked the other kids to leave at that point, as my DS was getting overwhelmed with the conflict.

I am getting a sense of "mean girl" vibes from Child A from this incident, especially as I have since heard of a few other things she has previously done/said. She presents as fairly quiet & innocent, but seems to like stirring situations to get reactions from others.

WIBU to not allow Child A in to hang out anymore.

YABU - Child A was playing a childish, but harmless joke, that escalated due to Child B's OTT reaction. It's just biscuits...

YANBU - It's not about the biscuits. Child A has shown they can't be trusted & should face consequences for their behaviour & lying about it to cause upset🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
sundaychairtree · 01/10/2025 11:20

An open house policy for local kids! Are you crazy? Dont invite kids onto your house without their parent's consent, you are laying yourself open to allegations!

Pigeonpoodle · 01/10/2025 11:18

birling16 · 01/10/2025 08:56

How can you be bothered?
Aren't we all disregulated at some point?
It used to be called " being naughty" or " being tired"

Yes, excusing poor behaviour because of ND is just letting your kids become spoilt and selfish, who will then struggle in the real world as a result of your indulgence.

Im not saying we shouldn’t take any account of ND, but it should never be used as an excuse for bad behaviour.

Original poster
Thisisnothalloween · 01/10/2025 11:13

LDNloveandlife · 01/10/2025 10:53

Have the parents of these children shared their ND diagnoses with you, or are you diagnosing them? If so you need to stop doing that… seems strange virtually every child on your small street is ND

Yes some of the parents have shared this information. These aren't just kids from my own street, but locally. They make friends in the park, or are friends of friends. I'm not claiming they are all definitely ND, but ND kids (and adults) do tend to find each other & share common interests/ways of playing. Our local school seems to have a fairly high proportion of kids with SEN. We are in an underprivileged area.

OP posts:
Candyflosies · 01/10/2025 11:12

You could have typed this up op without the need to put each child's SEN problems in it.

Seems like every post i read on here sen is there somewhere in it.
Its not something that has anything to do with a packet if biscuits.

Original poster
Thisisnothalloween · 01/10/2025 11:02

saphiregemstone · 01/10/2025 06:31

@Thisisnothalloween I think that if you want to keep a sort of “open house”, then you should expect this sort of thing, and be prepared to deal with it.
It comes with the territory of “playing out” because, as you say yourself, some kids will tag along because they want to be with a certain person, but not necessarily get on with the whole group.

I think that it’s a good space to learn about friends and group dynamics for a lot of children, even watching how these conflicts are resolved, but I’m not sure it would necessarily be in the best interests of all children.

I would say let your children take the lead. If you see things deteriorating for them in terms of enjoyment and general regulation you know it’s time to reassess.
Your kids are in the primary stage, but towards the end of primary there can be a shift, especially with girls. It’s normal to play in a certain way for a time, and then change to different interactions after a while.

Thank you for that balanced view. I do like the idea of continuing a somewhat "open house". My kids have certain needs that mean they are more vulnerable with "playing out" in the park (which is literally seconds walk & in full view from our house). My DS has previously been bullied by other kids, who witnessed him having an emotional meltdown. So I love that their friends feel welcome to come round.

They have started setting up their own boundaries as to who is allowed in to play, versus popping in for a quick chat, etc. Some days they will say "no kids in today" and I respect that. I have days when I say the same if I've not got the energy, or if I recognise that they would not cope with extra noise/disruption.

It will all certainly change over the next year or so. The older girls will probably age out of hanging out with primary kids, my kids will develop separate friend groups, and friendship dynamics will change.

I don't want to single out any kids from the current "group", but I also don't want any of them to think it's ok to wind people up (enough to upset them) by playing "jokes" on them. It's a balance that I'm trying to figure out.

OP posts:
LDNloveandlife · 01/10/2025 10:53

Have the parents of these children shared their ND diagnoses with you, or are you diagnosing them? If so you need to stop doing that… seems strange virtually every child on your small street is ND

YourGladSquid · 01/10/2025 10:39

Grammarnut · 01/10/2025 10:12

Why are so many children neurodiverse? This seems very odd.

Seems like nowadays even the slightest of quirks must be diagnosed

Original poster
Thisisnothalloween · 01/10/2025 10:30

YourGladSquid · 01/10/2025 00:31

YABU considering you’re not even sure who took what, but at the end of the day it’s your house.

Who decided all these kids have ND traits? Are their parents sharing this information? I’m not having a go or anything, it’s just that on MN every child seems to be deemed ND/have ND traits and as mine is now an adult I’m curious about how this unfolds in younger children, if it’s discussed between parents, etc.

Edited

Some parents are very open about diagnosis & tell anyone who will listen. Some will discuss it privately parent-to-parent. Some will not mention it, even when it is very clear there are ND traits. When you have a ND family, it becomes quite easy to pick these up some of these traits/behaviours in others, though of course there can be other explanations.

I personally will talk about my own experiences privately with friends, or a couple of local parents that I've become friendly with. I try to never make my DS's ASD an "excuse" for behaviours, he is corrected when needed. But I will explain about how he sometimes needs space, quiet time & to be left alone to regulate himself. None of his friends know about his diagnosis.

OP posts:
Allthatshines1992 · 01/10/2025 10:30

Thisisnothalloween · 30/09/2025 18:46

I may be way overthinking this, but I am trying my best to keep a calm home.

I have a fairly open house policy to my kid's friends & a few other local kids. They come round sometimes to play, hang out, have the occasional snack/drink/use the toilet & get minor cuts/bruises treated when they're playing out (we're in a quiet cul-de-sac with access to local small park). I like knowing that these kids have somewhere safe to go if needed.

Both my DS10 and DD8 are neurodiverse, and most of their local friends also have ND traits (ASD/ADHD, some diagnosed) so it can be a lot of work to balance conflicting needs between a group of them together. When they get on well together, they are great, however, small disagreements can escalate into fireworks quickly. The group are generally good at accepting & understanding of my kids quirks/meltdowns when they become dysregulated, and I try to offer the same in return.

One girl (Child A) has started to come round more over the last few weeks, mostly tagging along to join the eldest of the friends (13). I don't know her well, but my kids like her well enough to have her hang out sometimes with another couple of friends.

There was an incident recently, where another girl (Child B - ADHD with emotional regulation issues) was getting ready to leave, to find that her packet of biscuits was missing from where she left them on a table. The other kids denied all knowledge of where they were, though Child A had a smirk on her face. Child B challenged Child A, and was becoming increasingly upset and screaming at her. Child A continued to deny hiding them & was blaming another friend. As I tried to help calm Child B in the hallway (along with her mother who had come to get her home), the biscuits magically reappeared on the table 🙄
After a few angry words, Child B left (along with the aforementioned biscuits!). After briefly speaking with the remaining friends about playing "pranks", I asked the other kids to leave at that point, as my DS was getting overwhelmed with the conflict.

I am getting a sense of "mean girl" vibes from Child A from this incident, especially as I have since heard of a few other things she has previously done/said. She presents as fairly quiet & innocent, but seems to like stirring situations to get reactions from others.

WIBU to not allow Child A in to hang out anymore.

YABU - Child A was playing a childish, but harmless joke, that escalated due to Child B's OTT reaction. It's just biscuits...

YANBU - It's not about the biscuits. Child A has shown they can't be trusted & should face consequences for their behaviour & lying about it to cause upset🤷🏻‍♀️

If you can't be bothered having child A round just say no, it's your house. Personally I couldn't be bothered with other people's kids screaming about in my home, my own DC is enough 🤣

Sprogonthetyne · 01/10/2025 10:29

Grammarnut · 01/10/2025 10:12

Why are so many children neurodiverse? This seems very odd.

Generally because NT kids refuse to play with ND kids, so they tend to make friends with other ND children who are able to accept their differences. This leads to an over-representation within this friendship group relative to the general population.

Calliopespa · 01/10/2025 10:27

YourGladSquid · 01/10/2025 00:31

YABU considering you’re not even sure who took what, but at the end of the day it’s your house.

Who decided all these kids have ND traits? Are their parents sharing this information? I’m not having a go or anything, it’s just that on MN every child seems to be deemed ND/have ND traits and as mine is now an adult I’m curious about how this unfolds in younger children, if it’s discussed between parents, etc.

Edited

Also, how do we know this girl doesn't have some social issues and misjudged?

It's all very well to be accepting of meltdowns and emotional dysregulation, but plenty of children have slightly different issues that need some understanding as well. I think you need to learn a bit more about her before banning her outright.

Starlight7080 · 01/10/2025 10:23

Wait so you are going around telling parents they may have ND children ??? What ?? So are you qualified to do that or just using the aid of tiktok to diagnose ppl?
No wonder so many people blame poor parenting and upbringing on being ND when undiagnosed.

Grammarnut · 01/10/2025 10:12

Why are so many children neurodiverse? This seems very odd.

Original poster
Thisisnothalloween · 01/10/2025 10:08

Sorry just getting back to this thread.

Just to clarify, Child A did hide the biscuits. Once Child B left, she was muttering about how it "was only a joke". My DS, who wasn't directly involved but was sat in the same room, later confirmed that she put them back.

I have spoken to most of these kids parents, and they have been open about diagnosis, or at least looking into it. Some of it, I imagine, is due to behavioral issues & chaotic/abusive parenting rather than ND. We live in a very underprivileged area, and there are definitely certain kids I wouldn't want around my home.

The 13yo friend is a lovely girl, quite young-minded and enjoys playing with my kids, or simply coming round to escape a chaotic home life. My kids adore her & she's very good with them.

OP posts:
Starlight7080 · 01/10/2025 10:06

You let your 10 and 8 year olds play outside with a 13 year old ?? Why?
And then have them in your house.
And wonder why you are having problems.
A teenager is very different to children 10 and under. She probably loves winding them up.
Sounds like your children need more supervision by adults and less by teenagers

Horsie · 01/10/2025 09:55

One child hid another's biscuits. Seems harmless enough to me.

Gremlins101 · 01/10/2025 09:54

It's done now. Let it be in the past unless something else comes up and then just be direct. It would be quite unkind to exclude a child over a childish error unless it becomes a pattern of meanness.

user1492757084 · 01/10/2025 09:54

How about limiting the number of kids regularly coming home with your child for a few months. And announce clearly that you will not tolerate any mean language or silly hiding of possessions.
Your child was over whelmed.

Sprogonthetyne · 01/10/2025 09:51

I think because your so use to having to protect your ND kids from a sometimes hostile NT world, your seeing this through that lense and interpreting it as a (seemingly) NT child exploit a known symptom of a ND child, for their own amusing. If this was the case, I'd agree it would be ableist bull shit BUT at this point, it not 100% known if that's what happened.

Child A was being mean, but did not necessarily target child B deliberately and may not have realised how bigger deal it would be (You're use to predicting ND triggers, so easy to foget how oblivious other people can be). I'd keep an eye, but not take it further unless something similar happens.

Offloadontome · 01/10/2025 09:47

I would allow child A back, but have a word with her. Make it clear you know what she did, outline why it's not acceptable, deliberate unkindness is not tolerated... and let her know she will not be welcome if anything like that happens again. I know it's not 100% certain she took them, but at least this approach will ensure if she did (which appears to be likely), she is called up on it. If she didn't - well hopefully it'll be clear by her reaction. She may even grass up the kid who did so it, if she actually didn't. Then you can speak to them!

Treaclebear · 01/10/2025 09:47

Canonlythinkofthisone · 01/10/2025 06:48

Makes me grateful my parents rarely let friends round. Home should be a home, not a youth club. Seems like some odd saviour behaviour trying to provide a place for all these "poor" ND kids...just focus on your own kids maybe.
If you insist on open house, squabbling over biscuits is hardly a reason for banning. Mean words, violent behaviours etc, sure thing, but biscuits?

"Poor ND " That comes across quite rude. I think it’s lovely that OP wants to encourage play many ND children often build friendships with younger or older children, so having that flexibility can be really positive.

That said, I do agree that an open-house style of play can get overwhelming and boundaries are important. Without some structure, it can end up being stressful for both the parent and their own children.

Iceandfire92 · 01/10/2025 09:46

I will be flamed for this but I have a diagnosis and am medicated for combined ADHD so hopefully I have some insight. Do all of these children really, truly all have ADHD/ASD? Why does almost every mumsnetter's child and every child they know seem to have ADHD/ASD? Or are quick to label children who are undiagnosed "some diagnosed" without considering the many factors at play that could be influencing their behaviour such as diet, boredom, poor parenting, the list goes on. In real life I only know a handful of people who are neurodivergent. I suspect many - not all- of these children who are suspected ASD/ADHD do not have it at all.

birling16 · 01/10/2025 09:34

Is anybody convergent?

SpudsAndCarrots · 01/10/2025 09:28

forenlomin · 01/10/2025 07:26

Both my DS10 and DD8 are neurodiverse, and most of their local friends also have ND traits (ASD/ADHD, some diagnosed) so it can be a lot of work to balance conflicting needs between a group of them together.

Where do you live and why is everyone neuro divergent?

The whole situation with kids coning and going as they please sounds chaotic, are you sure this approach suits your neuro divergent children's needs?

Sounds like a circus.

This sort of set up I don't doubt they're displaying "signs". Neglect/attachment disorders, lack of consistency or guidance and being around unpredictable adults causes some of the same presentations as ASD/ADHD. These children sound like they're out alone and left to it a lot of the time, there will be a bigger picture of their upbringing leading to their struggles regulating etc.

Viviennemary · 01/10/2025 09:23

If it was a one off then I'd say give her another chance. But she sounds like a troublemaker. I'd just stop having an open house for a while and only have one or two kids at a time.