It’s all such bloody hard work

But you don’t have to do all that! I certainly don’t. Today my 3 yo kids had a ham barm, soreen, crinkles and strawberries in their packed lunch. For their birthday we got a few cheap decorations and spent £150 on a cake each (they’re twins) and some buffet food and drinks. We had a party hosting 30 in our 2 up 2 down. No balloon arches in sight! Mine don’t watch CBeebies at the weekend, mummy wants to watch Jane McDonald (absolute queen) cruising the world! I’m not falling into the modern parenting trap! It’s too much.

I know what you mean but I do think it’s possible to not buy into all that/find your own way.

lunch- I give my DD what I’d eat which is a sandwich/left overs with veg and fruit bits. Bag of crisps if we have some
don't tend to buy that many snacks, watching the budget and a piece of fruit or chopped up cheese is usually what’s on offer as nibbles between meals. Now and again get the odd snacks but not a regular or expected thing

Birthday parties at home. No balloon arches. One big party in a hall at the end of primary school

costumes, sometimes bought, sometimes we made them, nothing too complicated but did the job

we spend time with our DD when we can but she’s often left to her own devices - draws a lot, taught herself to crochet, plays in the garden with local kids.

far from perfect but all fine. Lots of mum friends, some of which do all that you describe. Hasn’t affected my friendships in any way that I’m aware or that of my DD. DD seems happy enough, certainly no less than those with the ballon arches.

co-slept until she was ready to sleep alone

I do find parenting stressful and worry if I’m a good mum. But I’ve not really been worried about the particular things you describe. No right or wrong way to do things but if you don’t like things you can change what you do.

The biggest thing for me was coming in to my bed at night. It took a week of hard work - opted to do it when DH was on annual leave and I was off as very pregnant and we just took him back to his room every time he came in. Did involve sitting on his bed until he went back to sleep but I'd say paid off in the long run. He still sometimes sneaks in. If we wake we take him back and if we don't he gets a treat.

I know what you mean about birthday parties. Last year I just did a little bag of haribo each. Some of the kids asked where the party bags were and I just said there weren't any. I did feel bad but totally forgot about them until it was too late.

Oh and I do always carry snacks with me, not worth the hassle. As one of my friends said before I had kids. You just have to choose your battles.

When our kids whinged or moaned that they were bored, we said that they were allowed to whinged or moan any time they liked - but they had to do it in their bedrooms. They all read early, so they went upstairs and read....
A girl's Edwardian costume? An adult nightie or long petticoat (held up with a belt) and a blouse and a mop cap or cheap hat from a charity shop. Pair of gloves. Boy? Long school trousers, shirt, a cardboard top hat (easy to make) and a pair of fake glasses. Don't worry over much about it. The kids won't care, as long as they are dressing up in something....

My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

That's your fault then, if you want to watch something then do so, tell them they've had their turn it's now your turn.

stop trying to keep up with the jones
turn off CBeebies
send the kids back to their own beds

be a parent

One answer..tough love x

I just didn't do it!

My kids 13 now and birthdays are two mates and a day out

He watches the shows I watch. Even as a kid when we watched 'his shows' anything after 7pm was adult choice and still is

I promise you there are a lot of us out there that don't buy into all this shit

Just find yourself a better set of parents to hang about with and scrap the elaborate parties for two friends and a day somewhere

And frankly if kids are moaning they're bored at a party I'd tell them to go sit on a chair and be bored then

I work in a school and a LOT of kids would benefit from parents learning to just say no

So much of it depends on your habits and routines, though. I am a single parent working full-time in a demanding job.

I spend time making quality lunches, but it doesn't take forever. A bacon sandwich with lettuce (the bacon cooks while the kids eat breakfast and get ready) or a salad (takes 5min to cut veg and pour some sauce over) or some leftovers from the day before. A piece of fruit, a treat of sorts and they're fine for the day. Hell, even sushi is easy to make as long as you boil the rice while doing something productive.
Midweek food is generally stuff that can, for the most part, be ignored.

I don't bother with birthday parties anymore, and when I used to it was a maximum of 6 children and some very basic games. Now, with my youngest, they get to invite one friend to a bigger ticket day out (theme park, climbing park, cinema - whatever is low effort).

Kids may not play out unsupervised, but I invested a LOT of time when mine were younger to instil a love of books and so now when mine have nothing to do they read - the eldest (adult teen) has now started reading my own collections. I take the youngest to the park, we have a routine of library, a sports club and shops on Saturdays and play a board game or two on Sundays, but otherwise they entertain themselves. They are allowed 1h screen time weekdays and 2h on a weekend or holiday (the adult teen obvioulsy has their own devices). They help with chores and gardening because I make them, despite the moaning. They wouldn't volunteer for that, but they do it, because I out-stubborned them when they were young and it still works now. So between making my life easier with housework and filling their time with chores, I don't feel that child rearing is becoming too much.

My home is not a show home, but it is clean and for the most part tidy. Anyone allowed in better appreciate the fact that they are here and being hosted, especially at little notice (though again, mostly I meet them out and about - in the park, pub or for an activity).

OP, take a step back. What can they help with, even if badly at first? What is your aim with them?

What unnecessary task can you cut back on or change?

What part of you is responding to what YOU think you're being judged on that no one gives two fucks about? (bake sales and whether they're bought or home baked spring to mind)

Go from there. It's not always chill here, but my life is a LOT more chilled out than some parents who are coupled up and could split the load.

Packed lunches are the worse. I was lucky that my youngest threw up one day in year 1 in the lunch box holder box. As it was almost lunch time all packed lunches had to have school dinner that day they happened to serve cake and custard for pudding. She was sold and had school dinners from then on. Absolute game changer. Thank goodness she vomitted

You are right. Don't go there. As for kid's birthday parties, I gave up on that one and changed to taking just the family to a restaurant, have a meal and the restaurant baked cakes and sang happy birthday to you.

Someone has to make a stand.

Wow, I was thinking about all this earlier, nearly word for word 😂
It must be alot of people feeling like this.
I wonder where it went wrong, like what was the turning point?

Yup.

I get you.

My kids are a bit older so not really relevant anymore but they always slept in their own bedrooms from 3 months old so were used to it and never slept in our bed. They watched kids TV a lot but if I wanted to watch something else, I'd turn it off and if they cried about it, tough teabags. They'd eventually go play. Luckily our schools are all about the underprivileged kids so they're not encouraged to dress up etc. Just wear pyjamas usually. Actually, it's the only thing I love that school for lol

However, my sister has 4 kids. Older one is 14. He's ok. Was a bit of. Whinge as a baby and toddler but he's quite a decent young man now. The baby, we haven't sussed yet. Toddler has full control of the TV all day until he goes to bed. Absolutely no changing it unless he says so. Princess (aged 5) sleeps in with mummy and dad every night. After sleeping in. A next to me crib for the first 6 months of her life. No idea how the toddler and the baby were conceived lol must have been a quickie on his days off when she was at nursery!

Their kids very much rule the roost. It drives me bonkers.

YANBU. The parties haven't even started for me yet and I'm dreading it. Things were better before they were OTT.

So true, kids have become the centre of everything everywhere! It seems to have become a norm for lavish celebrations for any event that has been manifested to be one.

As for school lunches, tick boxes for the promoting healthy eating award etc.

And all of course to be showcased on SM to feel the need to confirm to the world what great parents you are. Just.too.much. xx

Their mums buy the Rimmel ones, well at least I do.

I didn’t do it this way but I was brought up that way (which is why I didn’t do it like that) but I now wish I had. My kids are grown now and although they are lovely thoughtful and kind human beings I do think the child centric approach I took contributed to the terrible anxiety they experienced in their teens. The structure, the respect and doing things for others are the foundations of self care that I didn’t fully understand until my kids started to really struggle with their mental health. I thought I was saving them from the kind of strict rules I’d had doing everything for them and being flexible over bedtimes, food, tv etc but I now realise it wasn’t my parents trying to control me (which is how it felt) it was them teaching me about the important stuff like how to keep going when you’ve lost your motivation, how your feelings aren’t always the most important in the room etc Respect to you.

I think the modern way of parenting is terrible for everyone involved.

I totally agree and DH and I try as much as possible to parent the way we were brought up (in the 80s/early 90s.)

Snacks are the fruit bowl, cheese out of the fridge or crackers out of the tin. DDs are 8 and 6 and it is all they know so all they ask for. If they're hungry, they can go and get an apple.

We don't co-sleep. They were sleep trained as babies/young toddlers and yes, that was tough at the time but they sleep well, all night in their own beds. My sister on the other hand is still having to stay with my 7 year old niece before she goes to sleep or else she gets very upset. We had a lot of heated discussions about sleep training when DD and DNiece were younger about all the damage I was apparently doing to DD by using controlled crying but I fail to see how DNiece's situation is better to be honest.

We have never gone in for the big birthday party. We usually have a few of their friends over to the house, do party food and pass the parcel and then they play. Now DD is 8 it's even easier because I can just say pick two friends and we'll take you to the cinema and to KFC afterwards. Job done.

They do have too much screen time. But kids TV stops at 6pm and then 6pm to 7pm is adults' TV. To be fair they now quite like The Repair Shop 🤣. 7pm is TV off time and we read our books, then DDs' bedtime at 8pm. I need my downtime too. If they don't want to watch what is on TV or read their books they can go and play in their rooms.

They have to do jobs for pocket money. Each job earns them 5p. They've done this since they were about 3. Helping load the washing machine or pick up their toys or whatever. I'm not martyring myself for my children....they know they need to help out.

I do agree that things are busier nowadays. Both my mum and MIL were SAHMs. Now families have both parents working, people are time poor and stretched and I think it's too easy to then give in and choose the path of least resistance with the kids.

This isn't about your kids at all.

Your problems, stress, overwhelm, all of it, is entirely about you. You care what the other mums think. That's why you're keeping up with this merry go round of perfect parenting nonsense. Just let it all go. They don't care about what you're doing, they're too busy thinking that you're judging them. Is a game of one upmanship we're all playing but non of us want to. It driven by companies and influencers who want our money. You can stop.

I feel like this all the time. It's relentless.

I agree OP. Those suggesting charity shops for fancy dress costumes clearly haven’t been into charity shops recently. The ones around us are really expensive, and depressingly it’d probably be cheaper to by some polyester tat from Amazon.

My mum used to take us to the local shopping centre and leave us looking at books in WHSmiths for an hour or so while she did what she needed to. Zero chance we’d do that to ours. I think that because of the modern convenience of online everything children haven’t had to adapt to just rolling with family chores.

i think what you’ve described has become the norm for a lot of families, but we don’t do half of the stuff you have described. I will caveat this by saying that our children both compete at a high level in sports and do quite a lot of training, as do we. However they have never hung around me at home expecting to be entertained. I do play with them outside when I get time, but they spend a lot of time playing and roaming together. We live on a farm so they have loads of freedom but also play out in the village with friends a fair bit and have done since they were about 8 years old. We also have simple birthday parties on the beach or at home in the garden, and most of their friends do similar - presents are a £5 or £10 in a card now, and when they were littler it was a small Lego set or similar.

If we want to watch tv we do - the boys both enjoy nature documentaries, and obviously if we want to watch something that is not age appropriate for them (line of duty for example) then we’d watch that after they’ve gone to bed. They weren’t allowed any tablets / phones until they were 11 (youngest is 11 almost 12 and has just got a basic phone now), and we have really strict rules about what they can have on their phones (no social media until they are 18 etc). My friends at work think my kids have a 1950s childhood, playing outside and being wholesome, but in reality it’s much more 1980s - plenty of time to entertain themselves, but with small amounts of tv thrown in, and a good deal of respect for their parents (although I like to think we are much more emotionally open than our parents were, and encourage our children to talk to us and we are quite an open family).

As I said we do spend a fair bit of our time in the mornings and evenings driving the boys to various different training, but we make sure either we use a bit of the time to go for a walk or run, or for some of their sports either my husband or I are part of the coaching team. We also carve out time for our individual hobbies. Life occasionally feels hard but to be honest that’s more to do with work stresses than anything else.

Yep, agree and it’s obscene really when there are kids in other countries starving to death and fighting for their lives. While we argue about whether to have vaccines they’d sell a kidney for.
That said, when I do OTT parenting it’s because I’m trying to fill a hole where extended family should be I think.

Well I've been to plenty of local community hall parties recently and my god they're boring. Cost effective though. I think I've seen a balloon arch once or twice.

A lot of this is self inflicted tbh. DD sleeps in her own bed and hasn't woken in the night since she was in preschool. We had her party here a few weeks ago and did pass the parcel, a disco with a light and karaoke microphone I borrowed from a neighbour, pinata. No one moaned about being bored but there was a lot of excited screaming. I put up some bunting but no balloon arches, massively wasteful in my opinion.

She does snack a lot but she's very active and no weight issues so I don't fight it tbh. Just make sure there's balance and she doesn't have sweets everyday. She knows she needs to eat her veg at dinner. Lunchbox is a sandwich, crisps, cucumber sticks, some fruit and maybe a squeeze yoghurt. It's not that deep