It’s all such bloody hard work

Bloody snacks
Nobody used that term in the 1970s when I was a nipper

You are so absolutely spot on. If course we don’t have to. But we sort of do don’t we?! I think a lot of it in my case is a crisis of conscience. My younger child takes up a lot of my time, breastfed, etc and my elder daughter is understandably resenting that. So every spare minute with her without him is spent trying to engage, enrich, connect and demonstrate that the cost to her of having this new person around isn’t so high. Soft play was the highlight of my childhood when we were little, such a rarity - now we are there so often it is getting old!

you will miss them when they're gone

Ho ho ho I won't!!!

Me too! I'd forgotten about 5 alive!

OP, I sympathise. People forget all kids are different and what works for some doesn't necessarily work for others.

I would feel terribly guilty taking my toddler to Peru as an example because as much as I would love to go, I know he would hate every minute of it as he just wants to splash in puddles at the moment.

OP I'm probably your mum's age, I remember making the sandwich/cheese string/petit filou/satsuma lunches. My mum didn't even have to bother with that, we ate what we were given at school lunches. Everything gets progressively more complicated with each generation, but mothers will always find things difficult.

Parties were always exhausting and hard work, I don't think you can get away with that. I always found the responsibility of entertaining a bunch of 5 year olds stressful and felt a great sense of relief when they all went home. If you can afford it maybe get a party organiser to do it all for you? Or ask some other parents/friends/relatives to help out?

Re the co sleeping, a friend of mine used to have a massive bed and all their three children slept with them until one by one they suddenly didn't want to. They are all now exceptionally independent, well adjusted adults (all doctors lol). My children also slept with us if they wanted to, and I did love it when they did, they were so cuddly. But they were also happy to sleep in their own beds, so all children are different. There will be a time when you reminisce fondly on those years.

I do really worry for my grandchildren though (not yet at a demanding age). Life is not simple. Especially in this crazy AI/social media/phone addicted age. And everything nowadays revolves around "perfection" which I find immensely sad and scary.

So I don't really have any advice, except to say the childhood years go in a flash. And you will miss them when they're gone.

Keep them thoigh as hinestly i had same greek and romsn costume with broach.
was lucky my mum could sew.
reused for younger DD.
id start looking for a long black bit of lace skirt in charity shop with elastic waist & high neck white blouse for Victorian day. Keep an eye out so you know what the older years are doing. In fact ask a few mums if they will gift you their costumes once done.
its hard and so much more pressure now most mums work too.
have a vintage 70s party with games & jelly & ice cream the kids love it and it be different to the other parties

I agree with the OP - it's very, very hard to resist social pressure, and it's especially hard when you're tired.

It's horrible raising your children in a materialist world where your values are a bit different. So much of it is a giant waste of money and not good for them. But it's not easy being the family that doesn't do those things - especially phones.

OP - don't give in!!! I've started turning strict and the children are not enjoying it 😆- a sign things are moving in the right direction. I keep repeating that home work, exercise, chores, music practice etc is not up for debate.

I'm stumped though on the Edwardian theme - FFS. And yes, it's very easy to throw £20 at Amazon for the costumes but it all mounts up and could be put to much better use.

Sure, switch the jam for dairylea if you need to. It's the all-pudding combo I'm objecting to!

I agree with you...I notice this when I think of how my parents brought me up vs how I bring up my kids.

Many things I reject but when my mums watching me baking cookies and making homemade pizza bases she just laughs and laughs and reminds me of all junk I used to love in my lunch box.

I definitely think social media has a lot to blame for everyone wanting to make everything memorable, and also a window into what everyone else is doing and not wanting kids to feel like theyre not...but I also think we had too much information available to us. It not a bad thing, but if my parents though giving me pringles all the time could lead to me being sick and obese they probably wouldnt have been so liberal with them. If you happen to read that your child's sperm count could be compromised if hoi keep wrapping all their food in plastic and using plastic lunchboxes, its very hard to push that thought away when you're purchasing the next Lunchbox and drinking bottle. Its insidious really.....

Oh no WTF? Christmas Eve and Halloween boxes?!? I like this thread @Uggbootsforever, it’s making me laugh and reducing my mother guilt.

Add in a packet of salt and vinegar mini chips, a carton of 5 alive and you have my childhood packed lunch which I enjoyed for years.

I'm still standing.

I’m currently trying to conceive. I was born in 1990. Life was simpler. Yet I see it all over and wonder genuinely how I will afford and have the energy to do the pay for this day at school and over the top parties. I feel for you and I’m not even a mother. All the posters saying you need to say no, are clearly not seeing this is every child’s world now so how do you remove them from that, and yourself. My friend is a primary school teacher and she said she spent an entire weekend buying and preparing an Easter egg hunt for five year olds. For them to sulk and cry they were bored and they’d rather have screen time. More like scream time!

I was also going to say about this- at the point my child was 3/4 I nearly lost the will to live as we couldn't go ANYWHERE that wasn't soft play/playground etc because they would just wreck havoc! BUT. It does get better. You just have to ride these few tough years. For us the turning point was learning to read. Now I pack a new book for restaurant trips, or long train rides and life is generally much easier. We even did a very mini interrail trip last summer. Wasn't perfect but it would have been impossible at 4.

Certainly not! £150 for the cakes, buffet food and drinks! I’m not made of money, a cakes a cake at the end of the day!

Agreed. Sounds like you’re asking for sympathy about caving into peer pressure and your children’s demands? Pretty sure there are adults out there who do their own activities while children engage in free play. Very important for children to see their parents doing their own things.

Nope never had this with any of our kids parties over the course of three kids through the whole of primary school. Usually the simpler the entertainment the more they seemed to enjoy it. Never once paid for professional party people. At various ages we did crafts, bubbles, garden games, pass the parcel, musical statues, treasure hunt, 'disco' which was just mum playing music and a cheap disco ball from Amazon, chocolate making party, dinosaur party with games, Lego themed party with building challenges, pamper party where we painted their nails and put on glitter tattoos. Even aged 12 or 13 all the kids happily played Taskmaster style games, the old chocolate game (knives and forks), giant Jenga etc. Honestly never had a kid complain or refuse to take part. (This is between 2010 and 2021 for reference so not 'the good old days')

The only time we've paid for something external was when they wanted a very small number of friends and we did something like a trampolining park, dance class, bowling or roller skating but never a party package, just paid for a regular session and did food at home or bought burgers at the place.

So! As a parent to a 6-yo who has adhd, a big change we made was to get rid f most toys. It might sound counterproductive, but there's a lot of evidence tat kids play better and get "deeper" into their games with less stuff and stimuli. Craft stuff put away - we can access it whenever we want, pit it's not within an arm's reach. So if we get it out, we focus more on it. Only favourite toys stayed.

I've noticed a hugely positive change after clearing out stuff. You don't need to get rid of it, just put it in (black) binliners amd to the loft/garage etc.

YANBU. At all. But I guess you have to stop following the crowd and do your own thing. I think parents just want to be absolutely perfect in every way, and feel they’ve let their children down if they aren’t happy 24/7. I’m a bit older, mid 50s, and it does have a lot to do with the advent of the internet/social media etc. prior to that, people didn’t know what anyone else was doing apart from friends and family, or what they saw on the news. Whereas now there’s so much pressure from everywhere to be that perfect parent. And Xmas - that’s when it really ramps up with Elf on the shelf, winter wonderland events, Lapland, kiddies xmas movies on loop, Xmas parties…

This sounds very much like a you problem.

To regain a little control, can you focus on setting boundaries at home, where it's (usually) just your own children and they're not entertaining other children whose parents have different standards or making a direct comparison to someone else who has more? For instance, if you don't want them sleeping in your bed, make a rule that they don't; everyone has their own place for sleeping. If someone has a nightmare, one of the parents can take them back to their room, help them relax/reassure them there's no danger, and if necessary stay with them until they're asleep. This will be intense for the parents at first (easier to just let them stay and sleep in the big bed) but will become less so over time. And if they're trying to insist on having things be the same at home as they are at school or daycare - wanting constant snacks, for example - tell them those snacks are for school or daycare and not for home. They're 4, 5, and 6 (if I read this right); they have very little idea of the world except what you teach them, and they're of course going to misunderstand things and take things out of context. You as a parent should be giving them reasonable boundaries and telling them no when that's necessary. They need you as well and as sharp as you can be; don't run yourself ragged doing what you can't.

You spent £150 on cake?! What's wrong with homemade or Colin the caterpillar?!

I have a very high stress, long hours job and I worry I'm not around for my kids enough. But I am the main breadwinner and I look after us all, so there's that. I actually go out of my way to NOT do any of the ridiculous stuff and find it often catches people off guard, like they didn't realise they could also opt out. I've certainly made a point of traditional parties, at home with no ridiculous extras. To be honest, I probably come off a little rude sometimes in my disdain for parties which are so obviously geared towards social media. And don't get me started on elf on the bloody shelf etc......

I do know what you mean about the sleeping - my preschooler gets into bed with us every night about 1am and I do long for an uninterrupted night. But then I think, she's only little, and I remember how safe I felt on the very rare occasions that I was allowed to sleep in my parents bed - and I want her to have that safe and cosy feeling too. I don't particularly like sleeping alone without my husband so isn't it just a similar kind of feeling for them?

I hear you with packed lunches. Mine get an old school packed lunch, sandwich, cucumber, tomatoes, crisps/cake and a yoghurt and fruit. Just an apple or blueberries.

Parties-keep it simple. The bigger you go, the more they want the next year!

I’ve attended nearly all the birthday parties - often the whole class plus other friends - for Gdcs, now 10, 9, and 5, and we have hardly ever seen any of this.

Yes and I think respecting every single thing someone says or difference has gone too far too. Sometimes we just have to bloomin get on with it. You are in the thick of childrearing though. Go back to their basic needs and you can't go too far wrong! Food, time outside, bed at a somewhat reasonable time etc. make each one basically enjoyable and then move on after that. Life isn't based on one birthday party etc