It’s all such bloody hard work

I agree with you OP. I blame the parents.

You can choose the life you lead and the attitudes and values you espouse. My kids did play outside, they did play independently, they did walk to school themselves, birthday parties were usually an activity such as bike ride or cooking hot chocolate in the woods, I did not get drawn into other people's values or standards - so my kids did not watch 18 films aged 12, they did not spend hours and hours on screen with latest game or even have screens in their rooms until they were 17, we attended a few out of school clubs such as Boys Brigade and local mountain bike club, but we spent weekends out climbing mountains, canoeing and cycling as family or with friends, etc. I chose a jobs and locations which enabled me and my ex to see the kids and have time, while also being near nature in a great community.

We do not have to be sucked into this odd fallacy of materialism and image on Instagram life - go your own way.

That’s another thing that’s changed. Once they were school age, parents of invited children did not stay at birthday parties with them. Much easier for hosts to run the party how they want without other parents there. Children usually behave better for other people than they do for their parents (as they do at school).

I agree. I felt like it was more a mum’s social thing. I was lucky to meet some people I clicked with early on when I had my first and we then used to just meet up at the park or a coffee shop or each other’s houses. I went along with my second aiming to do the same but didn’t really click so decided not to bother after first few weeks. It definitely wasn’t you, just luck of the draw if you end up with other mums you have stuff in common with beyond just having a baby that happen to go to the same groups.

Not a beige/ pastel balloon arch (not to be touched, only to be photographed of course) in sight…

Why is there the obsession with balloons arches now for Instagram pictures, very tacky. So much crap bought and disposed off later, a real waste in many ways.

What did I just read here?! Good for you for resisting

I think all that stuff is supposed to be more for the mums to make friends tbh. I never did make any friends and felt like a complete failure

What a bloomin' cheek of the pre-school!

I totally get this. When my eldest was a baby, I felt obliged to take her to all kinds of "extra-curricular" things like music events, baby sensory, baby yoga.....
Now I realise all she needed was nurturing and a spot of social life with other babies.
I didn't bother with any of the extra-curricular stuff with my younger DD
Sympathies! I hope you get enough sleep

@thelakeisle1 I think the kids walking home thing depends on the area. At my kids’ school (SW) they can walk home from year 4 (age 8-9) and many do. In London I can imagine the traffic makes that more risky

I agreee with you on all except I quite like pumpkin picking as wholesome and outdoorsy! Also I make soup. Some people might just love something else like matching pj's and it makes their Christmas. The thing is you should be able to pick and choose.

My oldest is only 4 so really hoping I can stand firm on the elf as hate the idea!

Nursery wanted us to do different dressing up outfit every day for a week.

We didn't do it, could barely make sure we all had clean clothes at the time.
I admired the kids who's parents clearly function better than me.

I think It’s worth remembering a lot of research has been done and the science around creating children who are resilient and mentally well has developed, which is why things are different now. We are in a generation now where there is a ‘no-contact’ epidemic because adult children are seeing the way their parents treated them wasn’t okay and put them on the back foot for handling life.

Making food for your child that is nutritious makes sense, if you don’t want to do the frills that then you don't have to. There is more research into insulin resistance and diabetes now that suggests sugary snacks and sandwich fillings five days a week at school is detrimental long term for children.

On the other hand, the pressure for elaborate parties and things is a choice in my opinion - if they ask why they can’t have a balloon arch and selfie backdrop (which I’m sure they won’t) maybe it’s worth talking about sustainability and environmental impact, doing the right thing for the planet.

In terms of cost for birthdays and things, again I do think that’s a choice. We buy almost everything second hand and make gifts (I learnt to knit post partum), because we want our kids to be sustainable and focus on the immaterial as they grow up. We also follow the 7 rule:

1. something they want
2. something they need
3. something homemade
4. an activity
5. a game to play
6. something edible
7. something to wear

That with gifts from relatives and to each other makes for more than enough for Christmas and birthdays.

The sustainability factor is non-negotiable for us and will 100% face resistance on as they get older- eg: if you want designer clothes then you'll need to save or we can go thrifting/ look on vinted due to affordability/ sustainability… but for now they dont even notice.

just my two cents. I think the pressure is definitely there and mum guilt is more than it’s ever been - I also think it’s up to you whether you let that impact your parenting decisions or not.

No you’re not unreasonable. It’s ridiculous. But the answer - as with all the moaning about social media’s effect on them - is to NOT ENGAGE. Plough your own furrow. I will be.

Kids will have 'trauma' to some degree no matter what you do. Life is trauma. You can't avoid them experiencing it by giving them everything they want and I don't think reducing resilience by doing so actually helps kids. Teens and early 20s people are always little ingrates who blame their parents for everything too, it's just part of that life stage.

I had to look up what a ‘balloon arch’ is.

My children were sadly deprived of such things. But it would have been wonderful had another parent bought a balloon arch to one of my eldest son’s birthday parties.

It wouldn’t have lasted long under volleys of gunfire, but it would have been splendid fun.

I’d have probably joined in.

That is what they’re for, isn’t it?

I am 52. I used to go and sleep in my parents (small!) double bed when I felt scared all through primary school. I can still remember running from my bedroom.
I also used to wake my dad up at 6.30 every Saturday with a crisp sandwich. This would be made from white bread, with a thick layer of margarine and salted crisps covered in vinegar. He actually ate them as well.

also I’d wake my parents up at any time on Christmas Day and open my pressies. None of this waiting until morning
it wasn’t all fun for parents back then !!

I’m 41 with 2 very young children and think it’s ridiculous how many parents let their children into their beds at night. We’ve never done it.

But we’re talking about children now. Your boys sound grown? Times have changed unfortunately

What absolute nonsense.

As soon as my boys were old enough to hold an air gun, strike a match, or reach the pedals on a £200 car they were provided with the equipment and sent out into the woods each day. Their birthday parties were popular, although not always with the other parents. 🙄

Both grew up into intelligent, resilient adults with interesting lives.

And another thing: we never even owned a television. They grew up not not
knowing what television is. No one missed it.

If you belong to costco or know someone who does, they do lots of biscuits and sweets wrapped in small packets, just enough for lunch boxes, and fruit juices, veggie straws.

Worth looking into if you haven't yet.

That’s your parents though - it’s a bit unusual I would say,

We used to have lots of drinks, mostly squash, milk, ‘pop’ as a treat, The same when on friends or family visits, Lucozade if you were ill!

Snacks were common, eg cheese and crackers, yoghurt, toast, fruit, crisps, biscuits,

School had a water fountain we could use whenever we needed to, Jug of water on the table at lunch.

Small bottle of milk mid morning pre 80s (and opportunity to have leftover milk again at story time!).

We mostly used to take crisps and an apple for a mid morning snack.

I also went to nursery which provided water in beakers and then milk and Ritz biscuits mid morning,

Telling a child they are ruining the party for others because they are crying is unkind.

Charity shops are great for sourcing costumes OP.

I don’t agree with buying tat to end up in landfil - or even more horrifically ending up on the beaches of eg Ghana with manmade fibres polluting our water.

I’m on the fence as do think a lot of these things are down to personal parenting choice and not everyone is currently operating the same way with their DC as you and your circle of friends.

There wasn’t the opportunity to watch kids programmes on demand and there wasn’t a kids channel, so that’s a key difference. It’s always been up to the parents how much young kids can access,

Birthday parties used to be quite short and were structured with consecutive games led by the parent, so the kids were constantly engaged and didn’t have time to get bored.

Halloween parties were less common, but the same thing, kids were always engaged in planned consecutive activities, food and picked up.

Your hosted birthday party perhaps was too unstructured and too long if they were so bored.

Some parents always provided healthier and more interesting packed lunches.

i used to want to go in with my parents if I woke up in the night, but wasn’t allowed, that’s something you’ve facilitated and become a habit, so can’t really blame them.

Kids can still be encouraged to entertain themselves or play out (with non intrusive supervision) again that’s been facilitated if they can’t and need constant entertainment. I agree that’s not good for resilience and independence.

I honestly now think I was lucky to be a 'young mum', none of my friends had kids so I was going on the advice of my Mum and MIL and my kids were definitely not getting in my bed on a night, I had a rough week with each of them going into their own room at roughly 6 months old and resettling them multiple times then they just slept in their own rooms.

I'm 40 now and a couple of my similarly aged colleagues are still woken every night by school age children getting into their beds, I didn't realise everyone just let their kids in their bed all the time, I thought they were just soft.

I do have 2 lovely well adjusted teenagers now, despite the horrors of sleeping in their own rooms, just a sandwich and some crisps in their lunch boxes and never having a balloon arch.