It’s all such bloody hard work

thank you for posting this. I needed to hear it. You perfectly described the TWICE daily sleep routine (nap and bedtime, then again bedtime for the older one) and I’m sitting there thinking how many fucking times have a sung twinkle twinkle and will they ever bloody remember it anyway, they will probably just find some5ing else to hate me about.

Do they not fight when they’re bored? I remove tablets and send them upstairs to “find something to do” and within 30 seconds they are screaming at each other 😑

The biggest issue is the pressure on parents though. Work full time. Engage with the school. Maintain the house. Cook proper food. Monitor the screen time. Make sure they get fresh air and good experiences. See family. See friends. Make memories.

Re: birthday parties, I really think the big expensive venue parties are more for the adults because all the work is outsourced. We usually have it at our house because we don’t particularly want to spend £500 on a soft play party. Costco pizza/cake, tons of balloons, cheap disco lights (for the first one we planned party games but didn’t end up playing them because the kids were having so much fun chasing each other and throwing balloons). DS has been told by classmates that his parties are the best. I end the day with a headache but happy kids.

I have a very dark sense of humour, probably from parenting 4 children. We’ll get there in the end lass.

Right I totally hear you but...

1. Two hour party for a 5 year old is too long. Crafts are a waste of time and effort. Old fashioned party games require them to concentrate much more. Pass the parcel, musical statues, Simon says, what's the time Mr Wolf etc.. Only invite 7 or 8 kids max!
2. Sleeping arrangements. Everyone in their own bed if thats what you prefer, super nanny back to bed routine if needed. Its perfectly achievable.
3. TV, limit it. Teach your kids how to play without adult supervision - this one is really important!!
4. Ignore what other parents do and what their kids have. I explained to my kids very early on that I knew what was best for them and I would be parenting my way.

You cannot control other children but you can control your own. My kids are 9 and 14. I am not there to entertain them. Screen time is minimal and I'm happy for them to be bored. And we don't do elaborate stuff for ourselves. We are quite low key. And my kids are fine and well adjusted and relatively popular. They know other people live differently and we do different things (hiking, travelling, board games). It is what it is.

Just tell mummy to fuck off.
Speaking her mind equals having no social skills as far as I’m concerned you don’t want these people in your house around your children
So if they don’t like you good you’re doing something right

But do you want to be like these other mothers?
I look on my Facebook page now and I’ve probably got about 10 of them left out of 4 lots of class mums so 128 ish mums who are in my children’s birthday parties photos.

I’m delighted that their kids have done really well at Uni. I’m really happy to see the ones that are succeeding in life. We don’t see photos from the ones that aren’t.
But generally we aren’t in touch and neither of the kids.
These people are passing through your life, but you will be left with the consequences of raising little horrors for the rest of your life.
You don’t need to be rude you don’t need to bark you are your mother’s problem but you can say go and sit with mummy until you see something that you would like to do and join in with
There’s nothing wrong with that and it can be said with a big smile on your face in a sing song voice

I’m with you, OP. Absolutely.

I had a house party for my daughter last year. One child in particular (7) was an obnoxious little brat who kept moaning about being bored, prizes not up to her standard etc. Her mum takes absolute pride in the fact that she “says exactly what she thinks” so no use reporting her to mummy there!

Yeah. My kids rule this house. My life is a constant battle to limit their screen time and stopping them snacking. They have rooms full of toys that they don’t play with (yet won’t let me clear). We need another living space as they get older.

I’ve never seen anyone do this IRL. It’s easy to say what should happen isn’t it? My Dad (dead now) used to spin a yarn about how he confronted this person and that person and honestly I don’t get why people pretend to be a certain way. It drove me mad because if it were true there would likely be arguments and possibly fights (especially where I live!) I’m right here in the thick of it with you OP, it is very hard, the kids have expectations based on what their friends parents do etc. I just try my best to find a balance, I try to do healthy meals but I stick an apple in with packed lunches for show (comes back uneaten 😂) I remind my children how lucky they are etc but it is exhausting. One thing I will say about bedtime is that I did put my foot down about 2 years ago - I posted on here as I was laying with my kids until they fell asleep and I was roasted for letting it go on for so long (they were 5) so I started leaving after about 10 mins and returning them to their own beds when they came to ours and they have been better since then so there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel with regards to that. But I’m in complete agreement about the demands put on parents. I often think about those women that go missing and end up in a river and think ‘I bet they chucked themselves in so they didn’t have to think about packed lunches, what’s for dinner, 5 a day, getting their steps in, online school booking systems, after school clubs, sexy time with their partner, practising schoolwork etc etc etc.’

I completely agree. I definitely think social media has a LOT to answer for, so I would recommend coming off it, if you can. My other recommendation is to surround yourself with like-minded people at the school gate and encourage friendships with those children. There will be so many other people who feel the same. You might find you could share a birthday party with someone else to lighten the load. My other tip is not to listen to your children when they say “Elodie has a pony” or “Zak is allowed to play Fortnite til 10pm”. A simple thats nice darling followed by a stern “different families have different rules “ if needed. If a child says they are bored they get found a job to do.

I have found sometimes though that children sometimes say they are bored when what they mean is, I don’t know what is going to happen next. As every moment of their lives is so structured they really struggle with free play.

I feel I must live on another planet to you.

Lunchboxes have and still are sandwiches with ham/jam/marmite/cheese, then a piece of fruit or carrot/cucumber sticks, a packet of crisps and a kitkat or similar. Nothing fancy. Nothing has changed.

Birthday parties are slightly more elaborate, as lots of venues now offer events that didn't exist 30+ years ago. My twins go to lots of parties but not a balloon arch in sight. And parties have often had themes! I remember having a fairies and monsters theme in the 1980s!

Kids do play out. Mine play in the garden, and they play out with their friends, albeit the 9 year olds need a little supervision, then teenager goes out with his mates.

I watched Bake Off on catch up the other day and the kids could either watch it with me or play. No TV on in our house usually, and no devices on either unless they have earned some screen time.

Your family life is how you plan it.

Can't fix the bed time thing. I've always told mine that sleep is important, and if they wake mummy up for something that's not important, then mummy will be SUPER grump tomorrow and they will have a boring day! So generally mine sleep in their own beds. My daughter will sometimes try and sleep in mine, but I will then go sleep in hers.

I would love to sleep 11 til 6am but my brain doesn't do that.

People need to learn to say “no” to their children more.

My son is 13 now so I dont know if its changed much in recent years, and I am probably too 'harsh' in certain ways, for example, he's never ever been allowed to sleep in my bed when little. Never asked, never woke me up, used to shout from his bedroom if he could get out of bed in the mornings bless him! He had numerous village hall type parties or parties in the garden at home. Regularly got told to go and entertain himself if im doing housework, or if I was chatting to a friend etc. He had his TV time but then I also had mine. Lunch has always been and still is some sort of sandwich/wrap, fruit and crisps. Always made him go outside to play and make friends.

I suppose the pressure you feel very much differs with your social circle too and what they're doing.

Maybe. I'm sure our proper memories start around year 3/4

It just wouldn’t be allowed to escalate.
First sign of crying you distract
First sign of fighting you distract, but if it continues you boot them out the door that won’t be tolerated.
Again, if a kid whingeing their bored, where’s mummy? You need to go and sit with mummy now because nobody else is bored. Everybody else is having fun with your board. You are your mother’s problem.
No doubt we’ll get a list of all of the psychological neurological problems that these kids have and again you don’t need to be unkind to themor unaccommodating. But equally it’s a party for the birthday child and everybody else has to circle around them not the other way around
I have of course have the issue with my youngest where it was my birthday child causing murder.
And the party ended very quickly after that.

I think it isn't just a shift in parenting standards, just people's general expectations and standards in life are different from what they used to be. That is a good thing in some ways, but not so good in others. I do think that there needs to be a balance between kids' needs and adults'. Adults' wants should never trump kids' needs. The trick lies in distinguishing between wants and needs, which is far easier said than done.

YABU about the sleep thing. You need to train that.

but everything else, yes. I can't believe my kids own the front room and tv. I go elsewhere and watch/scroll my phone.

perhaps I would be less generous with the tv if I didn't have a phone.

Why on earth are you bothering with throwing a Halloween party for 5 year olds?!