It’s all such bloody hard work

I was brought up in the 60's and we were lucky enough to have a big back garden so we rode our bikes round and round, had sleep outs in a tent when it was warm and dry enough, did lots of drawing and colouring and I read like a demon! I do remember being bored but I think that is no bad thing. Chldren's programmes ended in time for the evening news . Brought my child up in the 80's and 90's so no smart phones and screens. did lots of reading, board and card games, going to the park or for a walk along the local canal, craft with scrap stuff, parties were held at home when they were very little, finger food and ice cream and pass the parcel. When they were older I hired a room at the local community centre and they all seemed fine running round to music, having pizza and a little party bag. I do think it is much harder now, everything is so visible in terms of social media and it is all so bloody expensive plus there is pressure for parents to be "on" all the time, always present and involved. I think it is fine for kids to be ignored at times, to be left to their own devices to figure things out. Oh, and I never did lunch boxes, I was a single parent and so was happy for them to have school dinners as it was one less evening task for me.

I think one big difference is that nowadays both parents work which both puts more time pressure on parents and makes playing with one or both parents more desirable to a child (as it’s a scarce resource).

My mum was a SAHM and I never remember being particularly focussed on her playing with me. I’m sure she did - but it wasn’t something I placed a lot of value on. Whereas my children (with 2 x working parents) will always clamour for a whole family game - they’re rarely happy to play just themselves. Not a bad things at all - but a lot more pressure on working parents.

Not suggesting we are all wholesome family board games by any stretch - I also struggle with the demand for elaborate trips, constant snacks and planned activities. I also try to resist some of these demands - as I’m sure I read that being bored is developmentally healthy

Some of what you say resonates with me, but I do think you need to run your house the way you want to and try and ignore the noise of what everyone else is doing as much as you can. I love throwing a big birthday party, but I personally couldn't give a shit about social media, so I don't bother with decorations. We barely have the TV on during the day because I find it makes DC behaviour worse. So they get a lot of, "you can play on your own, or you can help me with the dishwasher". Mine are really good at playing on their own now - though we've weathered some railing and complaining to get to that point. We had one playdate the other day where the child behaved repulsively - so she won't be allowed back again. We're definitely stricter than most parents we know, but we find our children polite and pleasant to be around (most of the time, ha!). It sounds like you're burning yourself out too much and need to put yourself first a bit more. Watch TV in the evening, or just watch what you want to watch during the day and they can either stay in same room if they'll be pleasant - or they can go play in another room if they can't handle that.

I agree with everything you say. I feel the same.

I’m scaling it all back. I’ve also just had enough.

Kids were told to go and play in their rooms a few weekends ago. With all the toys I’ve spent a fortune on. And DH and I put a film on. We were interrupted constantly because the kids are incapable of playing by themselves even though they are all over 7.

it’s the first time we’ve ever done that. It wasn’t a great success (constant interruptions) and I didn’t feel like I was being a particularly good parent doing it. But my god I’d just had enough of parenting and needed a break.

Because we’d never done it before the kids found it odd. Which in itself I don’t think is right. The kids should be able to realise and recognise that we are people with needs and wants and interests as well.

Not sure where we go from here, but I just feel totally burnt out with the type of parenting you are talking about and I want out.

For the lunchboxes. I bulk chap three or four carrots and put them in the glass containers in the fridge. They stay perfect. Same with cucumber and pepper peppers. Getting them to take part in making their lunches actually really helpful to. And they’re more inclined to eat it then.
For the birthday parties, I’ve never had one in my house simply because I don’t want the mess. So we do a mix off party at a soft play or in the local park. Cinema party, go karting with three or four friends etc. As my DD got older, she would have a sleepover.
Mine do playout, but that’s because I live in a small estate. They don’t have far to go.
The waking in the light thing I can’t help with my DS I slept in my bed until he was about seven 😆 he’s 10 now and he sleeps through in his own bed thank God!

FFS. You are the adult, how do you expect your children to behave when their parents are incapable of running a household 🙄

YANBU OP, I am childfree (yay) and I listen to my friends talk about parenting with absolute horror. Everything revolves around the children, they are not allowed to ever be bored. One friend in particular, her DD has scheduled activities every minute of every day (of course when I say this to said friend I'm told that actually her DD is very good at entertaining herself... ). The result is that said DD is a bit of a pain. The only thing I would say is that a lot of people seem to go into parenthood with rose-tinted glasses. I suspect you have to. But if you really think about it before, having a child is not tempting.

ETA - but I also totally sympathise with the parents, because my childhood was fine but my parents made a lot of mistakes and I do still hold some of that against them. So I can understand why today's parents want to try so hard to do everything right.

Again, thats on you. I believe that children are important and they know mum and dad have theory *back and they are loved but not everything revolves around them. There are other people in the family that have needs and wants besides them.
Typo alert should be 'their'. There's also another typo in my essay 😤

I guess it depends on your social circle and area. I live in a rural village, the kids round here are a bit more feral. Streetwise and independent from quite a young age.

We don't do lunchboxes because KS1 get free school lunch and DD nearly always has a ham sandwich, the same as she'd have if we sent lunch in. I'm with you on snacks, she seems to require a never-ending stream of snacks and I feel guilty if they're not healthy snacks.

She plays out sometimes and if she's in I don't allow her to constantly harass me. I tell her to go and play.

She stopped coming into our bed at around 3. Unless she's unwell or she's wet the bed which occasionally happens, if she wakes up, we put her back to bed in her own bed.

We do every other year birthday parties. Previous years have been the whole 50 kids, food laid on, bouncy castle which is admittedly a bit stressful but I'm hoping as she gets older it will be more a small group of best friends doing something a bit more interesting- e.g. painting pottery. I've seen those cakes but never felt any pressure. I usually bake a cake and add a rice paper topper and a candle for the birthday song, then bake a big sheet cake for the party bags.

To be honest I think we were lucky- when they all turned 3 one of the girls had a party in her stately home. Staff serving canapes, a huge buffet of themed food for adults and children, TWO princesses leading games and activities and crafts organised and supervised by the nanny, elaborate decor. It was an incredible party. We all knew that no-one was ever topping that so no-one competes now. 😂

You are allowed to set different expectations for your family than other people's families, and you're allowed to find a different tribe if the one you are in doesn't align with your family values.

I don’t think sites like mumsnet help this phenomenon tbh - as if you suggest you aren’t doing everything 100% child centred and making them try 100 vegetables before they’re a year old it’s presented as a form of child abuse.

With regards to watching a show when your kids are around - just do it! This is Mammys time now, Mammy is going to have a cup of tea and watch (Strictly/Downtown/Wednesday) Do it!

One of the best birthday parties was during a covid lock down break (sorry can't think what the word would be).
Cake, crisps, blanket, cheap prosecco, plastic cups and someone's phone playing shite music. Best kids party ever...

You are the parent and you decide what is worth your time, money and effort. In my humble opinion, anything that directly impacts on my child's emotional wellbeing is always going to be worth it, no matter how challenging it may be at the time. Whether that be dealing with sleepless nights, anxiety, tiks, bed wetting etc, the time spent working through these issues is investment in them. Things like balloon arches, fancy parties, hand crafted lunchbox items, they won't remember these things so don't bother. Kids always have been and always will be, simple. They need love, time, emotional connection and anything else is just fluff.

Completely agree! Things are so OTT now. Nursery graduations (!) gender reveals, kids birthday parties that are so obviously more about the parents showing off on social media, ott lunch boxes (what was wrong with a paste sandwich and a packet of monster munch?!) Christmas is the same, it’s all too much! Bring back basic birthday parties with soggy sandwiches, party rings and cheese and pineapple 🤣

This EXTRA society is not doing our children any good.

Never understand the cosleepers. Ds was in a moses, transferred to his own room and cot and a toddler bed at 3ish . He's always been a brilliant sleeper and at self settling. Used to be come in our bed for a cuddle or to watch TV occasionally. Op, you're the one allowing thusy. Lunchboxes can be quick and still healthy. Snacks up to you. Try having TV off with set times for cbeebies. With young kids you just watch TV in the evening. Everything is only as difficult as you make it.

It sounds like it's getting worse and it's gone deaf to expect families to afford dress up days when so many are struggling to eat.

My DC didn't have it but surely world book day should be about bringing a book not dressing up?

For parties I tried to encourage my DSs friends to not bring a present. Maybe give a pound but what he wanted was them there not a gift. Could you suggest that to others?

My parents rarely played with me, especially once I’d reached school age. And kids TV was only on for the hours kids TV was on, so I’m not saying we played quietly or didn’t mither, but day to day life wasn’t child oriented.

Yes playing out!! I have the fondest 90s childhood memories just playing out with all the neighbourhood children. Just better than some structured and scheduled timetable of ‘play dates’ and ‘activities’ that you’re chauffeured to and from in your mum ‘s SUV.

Learning to tolerate boredom and not having what some other people have is a solid part of life. I really think kids need to be exposed to both of these aspects of life.
Boredom is fine in childhood. It encourages children to play and use their imaginations. I think the tendency towards constant stimulation for children is a bad idea and is basically just being pushed by a culture and economy that encourages all to buy and consume constantly. What happened to kids just playing in the garden or making something out of a cardboard box etc 🤔
I work in a job where I meet many adolescents and young adults with significant mental health problems. Having more things does not appear to offer any protective properties against these difficulties.
I know 80s and 90s parenting had its own deficits but I think it had some definite advantages to modern ideas and pressures on both parents and children.🌻

Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc
'We are not doing it' you are doing it!
Parent getting way you want but stop being so bloody wet!

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.
'Kids either help tidy up or go and play in the garden ......NOW' That always works well. You are not an on call children's entertainer when you have other tasks to do.

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!),
You don't have to do all that bollocks!
Sure have healthy stuff instead of junk but keep it simple. If you don't want to cut veg sticks don't. For quick simple snack ideas get a few ideas of tik tok, insta, Pinterest or wherever and repeat. Simple.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

This is ridiculous. I had a colleague who had a baby with in two weeks of me. When the child was around 3 she would come to work knackered because the kid was up atb3.3p in the morning wanting to watch telly and play games. My colleague tolerated it!
If mine got up up and once I knew they weren't having nightmares, wet the bed or anything bad I put a straight face on, didn't engage except to say, its sleep time and led them back to their own bed . Did that for a few nights and they didn't do it again. They learned it wasnt fun time and they had their own place to sleep.
Im no good to them if im tired and crabby.

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Parties can be what ever you want them to be. Personally I liked a good party I didnt commission cakes but made it about the games, silly prizes and fun. Thats what kids want. Balloon arches and shit is about you.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7.
Again, thats on you. I believe that children are important and they know mum and dad have theory back and they are loved but not everything revolves around them. There are other people in the family that have needs and wants besides them.

I think if you are genuinely worried about things you need to take some control back. Personally I'd start with the sleep and them getting into your bed and also them mithering you when you are doing housework or whatever. Get into a good routine with that then carve time out gir yourself in the evenings. If you want to watch something fine its your tv!!

School, nursery and toddler groups encourage children to ‘snack’ and have lots of snack times so they expect it when they’re at home. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Just because they expect it doesn't mean they get it. What kind of snacks are you talking about. I never bought in crisps, chocolate sweetened yogurt aimed at kids etc. Of course they had crisps and sweets but if they weren't in the house routinely, they cant have them. They were offered toast or an apple.

You'll probably get a bit of kick back and whinging but you are the parent here. Don't let them rule you now or you will have bigger problems in a few years!

For example the school doing bloody dress up days - this term’s theme is Edwardian. We are expected to make bloody Edwardian costumes for our kids. The cheapest outfit I’ve come up with which meant ordering a load of shit off Vinted is £20 and will need sewing.
Ill let you have that one. I hate World
book day!! I think mine wore striped pjs to everyone!!!

Honestly don't give in to peer pressure, both from children and other adults. Splash out on things sometimes if you want but march to the beat of your own drum no one else's.

Exactly. The parents were the grown ups. They were in charge. Kids did as they were told and didn’t know any different.

I used to have great Halloween parties for my kids. I’d put sweets all over the garden and send them out to search for them with torches. We would bob for apples then play the mummy game where you wrap an adult in toilet paper. We would then use that paper for months after! They would do the putting clothes on and eating chocolate with a knife and fork game. They all loved it.
The last one I had was two years ago and they all still ask me when I’m having another one.
I was careful about who I asked. Fairly early on I would tell my kids that some of their more obnoxious friends weren’t coming. Other people’s kids are pretty grim but just focus on the lovely ones.
I know chopping carrots and all that stuff is a pain but I’m a child of the 80’s and my teeth are APPALLING. My mum put sugar on everything and by the time I was 15 I already had fillings.
All this stuff is hard work but it ends fairly quickly - believe it or not - and your kids go out with your friends and are gone to uni.
One day you’ll never have to go to a swing park ever again! It’s great.

I wouldn’t have been able to sit down for a week if I’d upended a table.
I’m not advocating that but Jesus My kids feet would not have touched the floors. They would’ve been out the door so fast for embarrassing me like that.
The fact that the mother isn’t mortified just tells you they’re not people that you want in your lives.