It’s all such bloody hard work

There’s a huge mental load that comes with being a mother, and I don’t think we’ve arrived at a good balance between the sexes in society yet. We are the first generation that needed both parents put at work, men aren’t yet well educated to take on house/kids/arrangements etc and tend to think that going to work is enough, when the woman works and then has to take on being a full time parent too. I hope that future generations work out how to accommodate this fairly so that less marriages fall apart and men understand that they have an important role to play in the household beyond working.

I was literally thinking the other day:

1. I don’t remember my parents playing with me even once. I feel constant pressure to play with my kids. I don’t feel like kid me missed out either, it was never really an option so I played by myself or with my brother! I constantly feel guilty for having to do the laundry while a kid screams at me to play with them.
2. bloody water bottles. I was never sent to school with a water bottle. Now it has to be found, labelled, cleaned every day and filled with fresh water. What happened to water fountains?!

Not RTFT but in case no-one else has suggested this book, it’s worth getting for your kids:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Boring-Book-Shinsuke-Yoshitake/dp/1452174563

When we get an ‘I’m bored’, one of the standard options is ‘well, go and read the Boring Book’

It's not though. I don't share anything on social media and I still see it and feel the pressure.

Honestly? I think you've got a bit of a shit community 😬. The world you describe, of nursey/pre-school/primary school aged children whining for things and attention is so foreign to me. Our DC do play outside, there are no screens allowed by anyone on playdates (!! - they're there to play with each other, not side by side on separate screens!), and actually they're mostly just really busy with their own sports/after school activities to get too involved with anyone else's drama this much.

My Mum used to complain every week about sweets etc being kept at eye level at the Sainsbury checkout, used to moan at the cashiers every time about how they clearly WANT to make her life difficult because we'd always ask and she'd always have to say no, right at the end of the long weekly shop trawling around the massive store with bickering children. We don't have to deal with that now, with online shopping. I just don't go shopping with the DC - I couldn't think of anything worse!

Lunchboxes: I gave them whatever I thought best at the time. It would be a sandwich, two types of fruit, two types of vegetables and some rubbish like crisps or chocolate bar. I don't really know or care what they thought about it - why would I? They're children, they were lucky to be fed a healthy and substantial lunch. That's about the limit of my attention to such things!

I'm not saying I'm a perfect mother but when my DC ask for stuff I don't want them to have I say "no" and that's the end of it. I don't think I've ever had a "but such-and-such has it" has it in reply. If one of mine did say that I'd probably reply with my usual refrain of "everybody does what they think is best for their children, unfortunately for you I'm your mother and I decide for you". Any child who comes to my house and moans is my child's responsibility: they're not my friend! But it doesn't happen. I'm finding this all very weird.

Maybe you should look for a new, more like-minded community for your DC?

What you are craving is the ease of being a crap parent. I bet if your children thought they’d be punished for not leaving you alone when they want to play with you, they’d stop asking you. I bet if they thought you’d shout at them if they woke you up when they had a bad dream, they wouldn’t. I bet they’d eat crap food if you put it in their lunch box. I bet you could be a mean and nasty parent and it would be easier for you than being a kind involved mum.

Lots of parents still make the choice to refuse to play with their kids, to not comfort them when they are upset, to not feed them a healthy balanced diet. It’s probably a lot easier.

bur park the birthday party bullshit, kids don’t care about balloon arches. If you are choosing to compete with the other mums, remember you are doing that for your own benefit not your kids.

Edwardian clothing is long skirt of any colour, white blouse and shawl.

shouldn’t cost too much to put together.

traditional cheap parties take a massive amount of effort, I did them but I’m a teacher and I needed my teacher skills and a lot of games planned.
The reason people pay is so they don’t have to run them themselves.

re the expensive items - give her pocket money then she chooses what she wants to buy and you just say on repeat “put it on the Christmas list/buy it with your own money”.

Just don't do it! Kids are easily pleased. They will be happy with a lot less than people make out these days - unless of course they get used to being pandered to. I put myself into burnout trying to do all the things and make the kids happy. Now I have changed - I'm a lazy mum now. I take shortcuts. I don't go all out. And guess what? Nothing has happened. Nobody is any less happy or fulfilled. Nobody has noticed I've decided to only spend my energy on things I really value - days out are now national trust so I can enjoy a nice walk and a coffee. I've stopped taking them to play gyms. I've stopped going to the park. I've stopped trying to research every single little problem.
I'm reaping the benefits. I'm saying no to things. I feel great! And I'm a better mum as a result.

@UggbootsforeverI had my daughter’s 7th birthday at our house, and her friends LOVED it. They spent the whole time playing with toys and running around in the garden! Their food was sandwiches and a bit of caterpillar cake outside. Absolutely nothing fancy at all. Kids may seem like they constantly want high octane, expensive excitement, but they really don’t need it all the time.

I doubt I’ll organise any birthday parties for my child. I celebrate his birthday at home with a cake, some decorations, and presents. Will that make my child unhappy?

YANBU. My kids school are having dress as a movie star day on Thursday, wtf is that? Completely unnecessary!

In terms of sleep, when my DS was 17 months old I did the cry it out thing to most people’s horror. However, it meant crying for half hour a couple of nights and he’s slept through the night in his own bed ever since. My niece on the other hand is 9 and still sleeps in her parent’s bed. Best thing I ever did!

I don’t do parties either, we go to a soft play or something with cousins then a small family thing at school. I just say no. My kids might hate me for it when they are older but I’m a person too, sometimes we can do what I want too.

Mums are too blame, putting too much expectations on themselves. My friends decided christmas presents weren't enough, so decided to introduce christmas eve boxes. Now they complain about the extra expense and time that goes into it. We do it to out selves and need to stop.

But if he’s only two, give him a chance.
Mine were absolute angels in my rose tinted mind, but I didn’t have expectations of them playing alone at two Or even playing together at four and two

I found that if you pushed through the rowing/mess bit they would eventually find something to do, but it does take a bit of teeth-gritting (and I was not houseproud because my house was a dump at that time).

I actually do think there's more external pressure to conform than there was pre- social media so you do have to work harder at thinking your way is best. But that's what it takes - bloody-minded confidence in your own way.

Ah yes, I just clocked the stairgate. Well I guess it's his age. He'll grow out of that, at least.

40 year old here and you are absolutely right. My childhood was similar to how you described as were most in that era. Everything today centres around the kids. I complain but I’ve allowed it to happen too 🙈

God, OP. As I said, I have sympathy but do you punish this bad behaviour? That's appalling.

I agree! If you want to. I just know people who don't want to and end up doing it anyway.

A lot of it is optional but schools make very hard work for parents these days and there is too much which encroaches on family life.