It’s all such bloody hard work

Loving this thread - currently sat here at 40+4 waiting on our first to get a bloody move on and arrive and this is the bit of parenting I’m dreading. I was born early 80s so it was birthday parties at home with cake, games, free play and party bags until primary school. Then it was something like Laser Tag or rollerskating with six or seven friends, a Maccie Dees with maybe a sleepover after until I was 11/12yo, at which point it went onto ‘go sort yourself out’ - shopping with Pizza Hut and a sleepover with 3-4 friends until I really was able to organise my own birthday bashes. I really don’t want to go much further than that.

Halloween was a cardboard hat you made yourself with a cut-out binliner/belt combo for a witch or an old sheet with eyes cut out for a ghost - the outfits I see now on the doorstep are insane!

Looking forward to the lunchboxes though, ngl. I’m terrified my kid is going to be a fussy eater because I’m excited to go nuts with them (without actually including any nut-based products as apparently that’s super-not allowed now!).

YANBU, OP, it’s all gone a lot more materialistic and I don’t think it’s as easy as it was when we were kids. For what it’s worth, I know a couple who have raised their kid with lots of love and affection, but very much the way we were raised (they don’t have anything other than Freeview, no screen etc, kid grew up on books, crafting in their room and 90s cartoon videotapes) - the kid’s still a bit of a nightmare: quite bossy, self-absorbed and weirdly old-fashioned. There’s no right answer here! Just hanging on until they hit their twenties I guess 😂

I once read a great quote that was something like 'children should be at the centre of family life but should not become the centre of family life'. I do try to live by it. I don't understand these families where every weekend has to involve two days of child-centric organised activity and expensive days out. It's just not sustainable.

I agree OP, I was just moaning to my own DM about how draining it is constantly feeling as though you're not doing enough! My daughter is only 17 months old and I'm already fatigued by the constant "advice" pouring in aka whatever you do as a parent these days is somehow wrong..! From day 1 it's just information overload about feeding, sleeping, blah blah blah! I grew up in the 1990s and in some ways try to emulate parts of my own "simpler" childhood - we do no screens, lunch is always a sandwich + fruit + yoghurt, DD sleeps in her own cot every night. Not judging anyone who does differently, these are just some non-negotiables for me personally in order to keep my sanity.

Yes. To all of your OP. It's very good for the kids from their POV, but not so much from us poor harangued parents' POV.

We're probably creating rods for our backs, and perhaps our parents' generation got it right. I know my mum didn't pander to me half as much as I do to my DC 😳😅

I do think the party thing is over the top. I can’t see that eight year olds need pamper parties, with facials and make up, yet that seems to be a popular thing here.

Elf on the shelf, Christmas Eve boxes, back to school boxes et al, are all just an excuse to get parents to keep spending money. I include ‘graduation’ from nursery and infants too.

OP, it can still be a choice. You say you don't want them to be left out, but it will be far more valuable to teach them things like entertaining themselves, spontaneous creativity, and boredom, not to mention how great it'll be for their self-esteem as they get older and understand that most "must-have" stuff is just companies marketing at us. If they can see at 10/12/15/18 that they don't NEED that Stanley cup/Drunk Elephant moisturiser/very latest iPhone, but that what really makes them happy is friends, family, gratitude, health, we'll all be doing the kids a much bigger favour.

It can be really hard in the moment, but like all worthwhile parenting, it helps them in the long run.

I'm not sure if you actually want an answer to that question, but the reason schools do dressing up days is that they are expected to.

A school where I used to work used to do World Book Day without dressing up, just lots of book and story-themed activities, and a child actually moaned about it on local radio - not kidding unfortunately! The literacy coordinator was so upset as the school had been named.

The following year the children came in fancy dress.

Don't forget - a lot of school staff are also parents and understand the pressures as well.

I think I must have been quite tight with mine.

bed time was 7pm only allowed CBeebies for an hour a day, no I pads, they were read bedtime stories, child 2 was a nightmare and still woke up till around aged 5 but was never allowed in my bed.

Birthday parties were cheap and cheerful, a village hall, cake etc never any of the stuff which happens now.

My delightful teen raided my make up, she currently on my Clinique foundation…her make up and clothing is a lot better than mine, however she does pay for it herself and in her earlier years wore whatever was on offer in Superdrug.

perhaps I’m just mean 😂

I didn't buy ANY makeup for my 11yr old and I generally didn't feel any pressure to do anything just because everyone else did. Birthday parties weren't every year either
BUT..
I bought a planetbox rover stainless steel lunchbox for my youngest about 15yrs ago and it is probably one of my favourite kids purchase ever 😊 It still looks brand new and I now use it for my lunches. It was, and is, always filled with real food simply because it was easy to do so 🤷‍♀️

I just say to mine "that's nice, isn't it? Would you like to put it on Xmas / birthday list?" if they pick it up, I admire it and then ask them where it goes. It is all really hard in this mad modern world though xx

Not even a flat cap

Cant they eat school meals

It struck me the other day that I never see kids out playing in the fields behind where I live.

When I first moved here, 30 years ago, I'd see loads of kids there when I walked the dogs after work (the two fields were bought "for the beneficial enjoyment" of the people who live here when the owner couldn't get PP to build houses on them).

They'd be playing football and riding bikes and generally just hanging out. It's safe, only one very quiet road to cross, loads of people out walking, with or without dogs, and they seemed to have a great time. There are still plenty of families with kids around here, but they just don't seem to "play out". They must all be indoors glued to screens or something.

It's bloody sad to think that they live right on the edge of the countryside and never go up there.

Buy something at a charity shop

You shouldn't feel guilty! 1) Chores need doing, and 2) you are a human who's allowed some 'me' time. I grew up with a mum who worked, but who also did a shit load of chores, and went out on her own (to exercise, see friends etc) and so I grew up with a mum role model who showed me it was ok to put herself first at times. We're so close now and she's in such good health and has so many hobbies. My MIL sacrificed every moment for her children and she's in such poor health now and has so few interests. It's so sad and I know my husband finds it so upsetting. I know which one I'm aspiring to be like when I'm in my seventies...

So have your shopping delivered

Use one of your skirts and pin it at the back? That’s bound to be long enough! Maybe layer another underneath. I never bought costumes. Edwardian could also be dirty little chimney sweep or street urchin with muck on their faces surely?
I do think comparison is the thief if joy. I understand you see all these kids with other expensive gifts, belongings and parties but that’s not how you do things so stick to it. I just keep telling my kids that we do things differently and other people choose to do things in their own way but that’s not us and we spend money on important stuff like adventures and memories. Parties were all at home and often we did something just the four of us. My son’s best friend never has parties, his mum can’t be arsed! The bed sharing, that’s on you I’m afraid. The problem is that it takes willpower and I find most parents can’t be arsed to put in rules that they stick to, easier to hand child a tablet and/or give in.

If you are lucky enough to have invested grandparents or childless aunts/uncles/family friends, these can be a good avenue to out-source the Halloween/Easter parcels. I know not everyone has this luxury - we are lucky enough to have a Granny who’s got the time (and resources) to love a B&M seasonal trawl. There’s no way I would!

If not, these are NOT compulsory. And do not get me started on Elf-on-the-Shelf! Who thought parents needed another daily task (requiring significant creative input) in December?

There is a lot of social pressure now. But I think there always has been, particularly on women. The pressure to be clean and tidy, for the kids to be presentable, for the housework to be up to a standard, the front doorstep polished, to attend church, to look after elderly relatives. But social media is a curse, we measure ourselves again non-existant people with heavily cropped and edited photos.

And, perhaps you are part of the problem too. Sounds very performative to have a birthday/halloween party with crafts at 5 years old. Just have a few friends over to play, have some food, sing around a cake and maybe a party bag. You are inflicting what you think is worthy/enjoyable on a pile of 5 year olds, probably with other parents/social media pics in mind rather than the enjoyment of some small children. If the other parents are loudly judging you, then your social circle becomes self-cleansing - find your real tribe.

And if you don't want kids in your bed at night, make your expectations clear, draw your line in the sand and stick to your guns. Short term pain for long term gain. Sleep was absolutely my non-negotiable - I probably let other things slide instead.

I hate the water bottle thing.

i used to love the water fountain, especially when winter and freezing cold.

i feel guilty about the playing thing too, but i hate it and they can play with each other!

we all need to let go of the guilt

But if you don't enjoy it don't do it.

I love doing the Christmas Eve box, it's not stressful for me at all.

I didn't like the idea of Elf on the Shelf so we don't have one.

DD asked once why we didn't have an Elf and I said that different families have different Christmases and that was that. I don't feel any guilt or pressure about that.

This thread has helped relive the guilt I feel in the evenings.
We get in from school, I make dinner. They play together. I'll be in the next room doing chores or scrolling on my phone. I've always felt bad that I'm not in the same room as them at all times. But that's a mental way to feel, isn't it?!

I do disagree on the food thing though. My mum was a nurse and I have lots of memories of her cutting up carrots and radishes and tomatoes for our lunch boxes. We never had crisps and chocolate, we just had sandwich and various chopped up fruits and vegetables. We often helped with the chopping too, as every meal had lots of fresh fruit and vegetables. Mum wasn’t from the UK though, so maybe it’s a cultural thing.