It’s all such bloody hard work

Ok, well really cheap Edwardian costume would be get school grey trousers, cut away at the bottom so it’s rags. Drop in mud a few times and then let them dry.

take a dark t-shirt and cut away at the bottom so it’s jagged. Do the same to the sleeves. Get a load of stains on it and let then dry.

voila, an Edwardian urchin.

*lastdayofseptember · Today 15:09

Uggbootsforever · Today 15:06
If parties are hard work for you dont do them. Simple . I took a select few out to a theme park
have you seen the cost of theme parks these days 🤣
It also assumes you live near one and all the invitees can get there.

I only invited enough that would fit in a car( no, im not assuming everyone has a car, im talking about my life expierence) and ok maybe not everyone has a theme park on their doorstep. We don't. Our nearest one is 89 miles away.

We travelled to it but it's doesn't have to be a theme park, it could be a special day in the city with child plus two friends or an event they would like to go locally as a treat. Im sure people could use their imagination.
Oh wait, maybe im not so sure seeing that people are quick to pick holes with my post instead of looking for alternative ideas.

And before people start nit picking and mentioning costs again I was saying this could be a stress free alternative for those that would do celebratory cakes, balloon arches, child entertainers and inflatable bouncy castles but are getting stressed with it all.

While I think back to my childhood and an average Sunday highlight might be going with my dad to B&Q as he picked out supplies to do DIY with.

This!! OMG this so much 😅 And it got to the point where this was actually exciting! Poking about the different types of wood, paint, plants. What does this do, what's that for. Sitting on the massive trolley. Sitting in the back of the car holding onto a long plank of wood which could have easily decapitated me in the event of an accident.

We live overseas now, in an apartment, so there's none of this for our DC. But when they were 8/9/10yo they would quite happily play with cars and toys in their room, read, listen to music on a little radio, read some more, come out for some food, build something out of magnatiles or lego, crochet, draw, bicker, practice their instrument, build some ridiculous den or contraption for hot wheels, decorate a pinboard. When they got bored they'd join in with whatever we were doing: go for a bike ride, cook (get in the way more likely), sort out old newspapers for recycling and spend ages reading and looking at bits and pieces, come out to the dry cleaner with one of us, come to the pharmacy or whatever other errand. The time just flew by. Such happy memories of little chatterboxes next to us, wittering on about this or that, asking random questions and telling stupid jokes. Gosh, I'm getting all teary and soppy now!

FFS! I know! I'm a huge make up junkie but I don't even buy the really expensive stuff. £17 for a lipgloss is madness. I could justify around that for a lipstick pre DS if it was an interesting shade, but lipgloss is never very pigmented.

I end up feeling guilty if I want to read a book or Mumsnet for a bit, drives me potty that I feel like that!

You can sleep train. No 5/6/7 year old needs to be getting in bed with you unless they have SEN or are ill.

DS’s packed lunch is usually a cheese sandwich on brown bread, some biscuits and dried fruit in a tub with a satsuma. Apple for morning break. No fancy crudités or wraps with different fillings every day.

Birthday parties in a hall with a party tea, pass the parcel or a bouncy castle. Or pay for 5-10 friends to go trampolining etc. No balloon arches, no massive sums of money or keeping up with the Jones’s.

I don’t think parents should sit scrolling on their phones ignoring their DC for hours on end, but it shouldn’t be an issue for DC to play independently while you read or get on with things in the house. Cut yourself some slack.

Im sorry you’re struggling
Whilst some is not possible to avoid , I do think sometimes we make a rod for our own backs
I see it with my young nieces and nephews and how they’re parented - whatever they want they get eg their tv show / their music on in the car.
They are not told no . Timings are rigid around them too - no flexibility !
The parties I think comes down to parents feeling they have to keep up in some
way- when mine were little (20 and 18 now) they had small parties either in the house or I took a handful of their friends out to McDonald’s / soft play . We did basic party bags - yes all the stuff ended up in landfill !

My kids did get bored but made dens - I didn’t constantly stimulate them .

Cakeandcardio
It's not though. I don't share anything on social media and I still see it and feel the pressure.,
Where's this pressure coming from, whose judging you and why do you care about their thoughts?

People have always judged and put social pressure on others. Its how you respond is what matters.

I know i was gossiped about by school gate parents, but fuck 'em, seriously. They dont matter, they are not in my life and my kids learned you don't do show off things to impress other people because where does it stop.

*If parties are hard work for you dont do them. Simple . I took a select few out to a theme park
have you seen the cost of theme parks these days 🤣

Of course i have, but it is less stressful than having a big group of kids falling out and fighting, having celebratory cakes, a balloon arches and putting on perfect food sorting out party bags that an A lister would be proud to receive, and listening to them whinge that they are bored after 10 mins.
To be fair, I'd happily throw money at that than have a kids party in my house! 😆

It's down to the parents not to buy into the things they don't want to do.

I think it’s changed a lot in the last 10 years or so. Mine are young adults now, and we had no I pad or even tv steaming services. It was a bit of CBBC after school but after tea, no telly.
They played out in the street from age 8 ish, with other kids. Both were great at playing independently, partly because I was a lone parent and had stuff to do.
I always had to shop with them, but I think that’s part of learning- and I had no car for a long while so they’d carry a light bag each to help.
Parties were generally in the house, couple of village hall ones. Sometimes they’d get invited to expensive XScape/ trampoline stuff and I’d let them go but didn’t feel the need to reciprocate really.
I did like making nativity costumes etc but school had no apps or WhatsApp groups, it was just a paper newsletter in the book bag on a Friday.
Never did pack ups as neither liked sandwiches so it was always school dinners.
I did play with them quite a bit, made up wet weather games, took them to the park on those leaden days in February when we were the only people there, cos skint!
I think screens and the internet, especially social media has ruined childhood.
I don’t know what to suggest other than parents need to say no, a lot, and be a little selfish for their own sanity.
Bedtime was 8 latest, and they’d get a story and a cuddle, but wow betide anyone disturbing my adult time after that.
I wish I’d had more money, because that was stressful at times, but I don’t think their childhood was so bad.

Where do you see it?

We were talking about this the other day, when my DD (who I wouldnt say was particularly spoiled) had a cob on as she wanted to go to flip out for the zillionth time on a random sunday. There werent many things like that when I was a child (of the eighties). There was a roller disco at the sports centre and a cinema but they were both rare occasions and a big deal. I used to beg my mum to take me to this stone open air paddling pool which happened once a year! If i took DD to something similar she would look at me like i had asked her to eat her phone (although the paddling pool was a death trap, but great fun) I used to devise strategies to get her to take me. I agree that there is a much higher expectation to entertain kids now and and more parents who indulge in it. I think children are getting de skilled in being able to play by themselves. While some comments are harsh, you can do what you can to not take part in nonsense, and cultivate resilience skills, and there are some good suggestions on here. But yes, its all bonkers and now kids have access to phones and they can see obnoxious rich American kids doing obnoxious rich american kid things and want to replicate them at home. Drives me mad.

I agree with the "life is child-centric" shift - from what I've seen of my friends and their kids anyway. Maybe they're the outliers, but at weekends it's always what do we do with the kids today - offer to take them out to the park, to museums, local heritage places, to the cinema, various child-centric activities. Which they often moan about and pester to go to soft play/trampoline parks/the sorts of outings that cost £20 a pop. While I think back to my childhood and an average Sunday highlight might be going with my dad to B&Q as he picked out supplies to do DIY with.

The older one, 9yo, will complain "I'm bored" relentlessly and expect adults to fix that by coming up with something fun to do. If told why don't you read, play with XYZ, help me tidy up these toys, he says no that's boring and whines more.

The dad was lamenting recently that "he doesn't get to watch sport anymore" as the children complain if he puts it on the television - which is a stretch, they're probably playing games on their tablets in the living room anyway and don't care what he watches! But coming out with that as a concept would be totally alien to our parents, the idea that two primary school age children would dictate what their dad watches on TV.

Parenting like this sounds exhausting, which is why I don't do it. I would compel you to consider my method which is to just try a bit less hard.

Our routine is that during the week it's nursery / school during the day, and they have school food, telly when they get home, something healthy but uncomplicated for supper, bath and stories, then bed. At the weekend that means a bit of telly first thing so that I can have a lie in, then going to a museum / gallery / National Trust for the day to run off all required energy and enjoy ourselves. We do stories, craft or playing when we get home, then some more TV, followed by bed. As long as I've got 2:1 ratio of TV time to out door / cultural activities, I don't give it a second thought. After 7.30, and after a day of being endlessly available, I pour a glass of wine and I'm not available until 7.15 the next morning unless there's vomit, blood or an absolutely horrific dream, in which case we clear up the mess and resettle them in their own bed. Our bedroom is out of bounds, and we have never had them sleep in our bed (though I do love a cuddle in their bed before they fall asleep).

Basically, you need to allow for the fact that you are a person with needs and that those needs have to be met, otherwise you'll be a bad mum. I am a fantastic mum because I know my limitations, and I don't try and push past them. I'd rather be brilliant for 8 hours a day than mid for 254.

I agree Op and its not as easy at just not doing it. Most parents work longer hours now, where I grew up I didnt know any mums that worked full time and only half worked part time or temped, yet we are expected to parent more.

I think you can scale things back though, DD's friends have had birthday parties recently that are just a group of them with some craft activities, some music etc at home, I was so happy I don't feel the need to "keep up" with the massive parties we'd been too previously.

Lunch boxes, I make use of prepped veg and snacks but my diet (late 80's/90's council estate) was terrible so I don't mind putting a but more effort in there.

I've also started letting her play out the front of the house with neighbors friends, I sit with the door open and see them run past frequently, she's never more than 200 yards away and there's always a group of them. Its burns off her energy and lets her decompress after school.

It also assumes you live near one and all the invitees can get there.

Yes you’re spot on in that there’s a lot of pressure to ‘play’ with kids now and direct their play.
But you dont have to do it constantly though.
Of course you play with the children and it should be fun but you can say ' right, carry on playing now, mummy is going to tidy up ' or what ever.
Im not sure where the pressure is coming from or who is assessing you but come on, get a grip!

Probably triggered by being told sending my child to school with a peanut butter roll is a criminal offence (or nearly).
Why didnt you respond ' so report me if its an issue then' come on, stand up gor yourself and stop following the rest of the sheep!

I think a few posters from the good ‘old’ (not that old!) days are missing the point. Other children are now so used to high octane excitement and screens that holding old fashioned parties at home is a disaster. They fight, cry and don’t play the games and complain they’re bored
we are not missing the point.

You are missing the point that you are not teaching your kids resilience by keep turning up the speed on the metaphorical treadmill your on.
Yes kids get bored, but its good for them if its done correctly.

If parties are hard work for you dont do them. Simple . I took a select few out to a theme park or the Sandcastle at Blackpool instead of having ' celebratory cakes'
Why not let your child pick a day out with two or three best friends?

Ive said before,pick and choose what you want to do. Spend as much or as little as you want.

What's going to happen if you scale things back, take control of your life start saying no etc? It won't be easy at first and you'll get ' well Jayden's mum says this thatand the other' or 'charlie is allowed to'. The standard answer from you should be ' well Im not Jayden's mum, and this is what we are doing'
If you've never done it I'll be hard at first but with practice you should have your house and life back.

I don't know if it's because of the area I live in (a bit middle class but also a bit hippyish) but I've never seen a balloon arch at a kids' party, but I can see it's easy to get sucked into the competitiveness.

Don't try to keep up with the Joneses. Honestly I think it sorts the wheat from the consumerist chaff, they will naturally end up gravitating towards those less consumer driven if they can't be part of the "cool" gang.

I do make healthy packed lunches, but that's been my "thing" for years. They do have crisps and shop bought sweet treats a fair bit too. A very well to do friend's kid has jam sandwiches sometimes.

My DC is older now and 97% of kids their age have a smartphone according to latest stats (they don't have one). They've ended up making friends with a group of kids who barely look at their phones or don't have one and aren't really concerned about what others think. Parties might be a fun activity or a low key gathering at a house for some snacks. Nothing is for show. They play out and call for each other. It is possible!

Honestly it's wild. I'm very glad I have 3 boys & don't have this. My boys are pretty 'free-range' - outdoorsy & not swayed by brands unless it's to do with quality or durability. 2 eldest are at uni & have lovely girlfriends who are very similar- of course they look good, but they buy from Vinted/ charity shops & are only concerned about beauty brands being ethical, not the insta/ Tiktok rep. Their parents didn't buy into the pressure either, I suppose.

I adore my best friend & her 3 girls (same ages) but there is a constant 'brand'/ having the right thing/ looking a certain way theme with them. At their age we were very much trendy/ liked being cool/ went to all the cool places too, but in the 90s/00s it was all pretty spontaneous with no pressure.

The food thing I'll disagree with you ,we always had healthy lunches & my kids had chopped veg/ fruit/ nuts (yes they were allowed then!)/ home-made treats/ natural yogurt etc. DS1 (now 21) remembers being teased for his lunch box, in fact. It's important for them not to eat crap like jam/ honey sandwiches (ASN apart). Both older ones are great cooks & choose healthy food (except DS2 18 who bloody loves crisps & Haribo😀).

You don’t have to join in with any of this nonsense, you know?

We never did Xmas eve boxes, elf on the shelf, world book day dressing up (it’s not done at our Primary school) but DH did lots of other fun stuff with DS that was of his choosing.

DS refused to eat any lunch at school so after the first year or so, I stopped making any attempt at providing a lunchbox and sent him in with a bottle of water and an apple which came home battered at the end of the week. He ate breakfast and a snack when he came home after 3pm and then dinner around 5pm, so he wasn’t starving or suffering malnutrition.

(His dad also won’t eat in front of strangers either!🤷🏻‍♀️)

Oh my god, the Edwardian costume. You have my utmost sympathies.

I wouldn't buy anything. Here's what I'd do. I'd make a top hat with my DS out of stiff paper. I'd measure his head and help him cut it out. He can paint it black, and I'd help him stick the hat and brim together. (I DGAF if top hats aren't Edwardian.)

He'd wear a white school shirt, and I'd give him one of my silky scarves or long silky hair ties to use as a cravat.

Then, together you could make white cuffs and spats out of stiff white paper, and get him to paint on black dots to represent buttons.

I'm totally stumped as to what you'd use for a frog jacket though. If he had a black cardigan I guess you could make tails out of some black material and just pin them on to represent tails, but I guess little boys tend not to have black cardigans.

God, what an absolute pain in the arse.

Yep, i am literally always saying this to DH. I then get it in the neck that I need to "sort them out" if they start hassling him while WFH.

Nope, they can go and entertain themselves in their bedrooms stuffed with things.

What I see is that mums (and it is mainly mums) are now expected to give 100% at a full time job, while then putting double the effort in at home to ‘make up’ for not being there all the time.

No such expectation on dads, and bizarrely every friend I have seems to have fallen into the same
trap of being responsible for everything while working full time… while the dad goes to work, and otherwise is seen as a hero for doing a couple of nursery pick ups or cooking a meal twice a week.

It’s a bit of a nightmare situation really - women are equal in expectation around work and earning power, but there hasn’t been the same drive for equality in the home…

My response to the child who said our low key garden birthday party was boring was to phone the mum and get her collected early. No fuss, no negotiation.

It is good for children to have to wait for adults to do things, to not have the latest gadgets or make up. They do not need constant entertainment.