Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

No obligation on you to host them, just say something like "is [their child] free to go to the cinema/bowling/etc with me and [your child].

Take the kids for an outing - you can tick off your reciprocal duty and no need to host. I'm sure they're not bothered about being invited round, and then you won't need to stress!

If your child is going to stay at this school, you're going to have to make peace with the situation and not worry about people seeing your home, which I'm sure is lovely!

I went to boarding school with the mega rich and was among the poorest, I'm sure it was hard for my parents as well.

I feel for you OP though this is definitely a them problem! If they judge you then that's up to them but you can regain control by not being bothered about what they think of your 'normal' home.

Get them round for lunch and when the DH starts going on about his high powered role in finance and how he has cash coming out of every orifice, just share stories of the lives of strangers you and your DH have saved over the years - that should shut him up! I know who I'd MUCH rather be having lunch with!

I can’t find any evidence that the state contributes in excess of 25% to doctors pensions. I have an NHS pension. I contribute 12.5%, my employer contributes 23.7% (I believe this second figure is fixed). Wealthy people should pay more tax and they can well afford to fund their own private pensions (I’m sure many also have employer schemes). If training to be a doctor (and receiving an NHS pension) was really that lucrative, they could do that instead.

Do doctors claim the “high moral ground”? In what respect? No one pays themselves (could you argue self-employed people do? Perhaps but it’s pretty meaningless). Doctors exchange a scarce and in demand skill for a wage - like everyone. And doctors salaries at senior level compare favourably to the mean/median salary in England but if you are exceptionally bright there are probably easier ways to earn a high salary (and pension) if that’s your priority.

I thought your comment was amusing because I found it to be flippant and glib.

that two salaried GPs don't make that much

Oh dear lord.....time for me to leave this thread I think.

Firstly, thank you to both you and your husband for serving us in the NHS. I’m sure you could both pursue more lucrative careers in the private sector, but you don’t! Secondly, I think it’s great you are prioritising your child’s education. They will no doubt go on to be productive members of our society. I think your morals and work ethic trumps the big posh house and pool. Try and focus on that. Your hard work and dedication to the community. The other couple may feel inferior to you in other ways.

I think the fact they talk about money, his big salary would put me off far more than any large house.
They sound tacky, vulgar and insecure.

My children have all been privately educated and whilst we are certainly very comfortably off, they have friends that are vastly wealthy.

All of my lovely children have been surrounded and sought after as close friends, and loved by their friends parents.

Why?
Because they are lovely young people and were good friends to hang out with.
Loyal, fun and kind.

I have found one particular thing in common with all of the different parents I have met, we all want our children to have the support and loyalty of good, kind friends in this life.

We want them to have that support network when we are gone.
Irrespective of how much money you have in this life, really good friends that you share great history with, that deeply care about you, and are really there for you, is so beyond priceless.

I have been so blessed, I really hope my children will be too.

There's the tiny possibility that OP is afraid they might be surprised by the fact that doctors don't earn as much as they may assume. More of a sympathetic pity comment to their friends saying that they know "two GPs whose salary isn't even enough for XYZ".

There are lots of ultra rich medical professionals out there, often second or third generation doctors, private practice, surgeons etc. This family will certainly know other doctors in their social circle who live like them. So it might genuinely come as a shock that two salaried GPs don't make that much if they didn't inherit a bunch of money or a private practice from their parents.

Wow how shallow -Why do you want to mix with such people? Why are they even invited on a play date?! Surely the kids get dropped off/picked up if they are school aged.

You clearly aren’t struggling given your professions and posts like this can come across as insensitive to others who are struggling to make ends meet. Just because your children are friends it doesn’t mean you have to be.

So, in our kids’ schools (which are normal comprehensives) we are better off than many of their friends, by quite some margin. Most live in small council flats, we live in a large house that we own. Absolutely we do not judge any of their friends or parents on anything other than whether they’re nice people. Just wanted to add this in as a perspective from the “other” side (albeit not the exact same situation)

Money and a nice house are not measures of the worth of anyone’s character. I have been to great get togethers in everything from tiny flats to massive houses. I never leave thinking about whether someone had sufficient square footage and coordinated sofas. I leave grateful for their hospitality and having enjoyed their company.

I suspect our DC went to a similar school. We were probably middle vis a vis lifestyle, higher vis a vis income. DS had a particularly privileged friend. On his first play date I just said to his mother "crikey, we usually pay to visit houses like this". She laughed and cracked out the gin.

Get a grip @partytimed they're just people and it's far more likely you or your dh may put a finger up their bum than vice versa. The only thing the richer parents care about are the snippy, chippy, minchkins who suck the joy from living. You are who you are; they are who they are. It only matters if you give a a fuck and let it show.

I think you might be making this a bigger issue than it is. I grew up in a 3bed colliery bungalow and my parents drove a 8yr old volvo while their best friends lived in a 6bed house with a triple garage, 2 living rooms 5 toilets and a games room and drove a Range Rover and a Porshe. I'm 41 now and they are all still best friends, my parents now have a 2yr old fiesta and thier friends still drive a Range rover and they both still live in the same houses. It's not about the money it's about the people.

My boys played with children of super rich family, you've all heard of the company. They loved the swimming pool. I spent afternoons helping to herd half a dozen children safely because of the pool. Helped feed them, tidy up , find their clothes.

She was a lovely mum, lonely. We had long chats. She said that I was the only one that stayed and helped her.

We're all human beings. And appreciate small kindnesses

The generous thing is to invite them.

They may envy you for all sorts of reasons: health, is intelligence, happy marriage, status … or they may not at all, but just be happy to have nice new friends. Friendship is about being vulnerable with each other.

What sort of friendship will result if you pretend you have a huge house but never invite them back?

If you are well off enough to have seven bedrooms and a pool then you kind of have to get used to the fact that the rest of the world doesn't live in similar houses. So they just have to get on with that. They know you don't live in a house like theirs already. I have friends who live in giant houses worth several million while my flat is worth 400k and, being in London is not at all grand. They still come to dinner!

Seriously, he had a great time. Both at our house and at his house. I saw them when I went to pick my son up; he didn't want DS to go home.

I don't know why you would think otherwise, to be honest!

Playdates at that age are organised by parents, not by the kids themselves.

@partytimed

I would try to look at it this way:

‘Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it.’ I think these sorts of feelings are normal even though we know they’re not rational.

‘The parents are lovely but quite money focussed’ - We’re all different. Their values may be different to yours and I presume if you’re less money-focused than they are that’s because you think it’s less important. Logically, therefore, it shouldn’t be something that’s threatening but a difference in values that arguably makes you less concerned about how they might judge you.

‘I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school.’ Obviously this is hypothetical and quite likely not to happen. If they did that, however, they would be showing themselves to be quite unpleasant - which would be another reason to be even less concerned about what they think of you. Anyone who bought into what they said would be similarly unpleasant and therefore not of concern to you. There will be plenty of nice parents who would judge them negatively for any bitchy comments about your house.

‘The reason I think they’re money focussed is because of how they talk about their house and the husband’s salary, they are very proud of it.’ That’s nice for them, but again shows a values difference that would likely make their opinion of you/your house (assuming they chose to judge) unimportant.

It’s a bit overdone but I think ‘let them’ is a useful idea here. Until or unless they are people who you respect and value, their opinion doesn’t matter.

Also, it’s probably less extreme than you’re imagining it would be anyway.

I agree wholeheartedly with this.

I used to have a mixture of friends from all backgrounds when younger, from kids who's parents done what would now be classed as minimum wage jobs living in identical council houses as me to those in finance and a good few in the forces that lived in one of the most prestigious areas with large houses.

Two things that I'll always remember are,

Our house was one of the go to's to hang out and have fun.

Most of the other kids lived in houses that came with their parents job, some given a set amount towards 'the rent' some never having to pay a penny towards it.

Not saying this is the case in your senario but I do know that companies still do this today, allowing some families more disposable income than others.

On another note both you and your DH have jobs that are just as worthy as any of those other parents, many of those may also think the same.

It's what a person is like inside, how they treat people and their mannerisms that make a person, this will always trump everything else. IMO.

I have a friend who works in finance, earns a heap but is in awe of their partner who is a doctor in the NHS. It’s not always about what you earn. I don’t think YABU to notice the difference between your material assets but I would try to just treat them as you treat everyone else, focus on the children having a nice time and definitely do it at your house, you have nothing to hide!

the super rich couple will most likely be aware that they are super rich and 99% of people do not live like them

relax I doubt they judge everyone poorer than them that would be a lot of people to judge

How was it balanced ? Did you buy them things ?

I have experienced this too- a friend who was a ‘poor kid’ at private school.
She said it was awful & wouldn’t wish it for her own kids.
It has always made me view private schooling differently since that conversation.
Having a top notch education does not equal happiness in future life.
I’m guessing your child is young if you are still at ‘play dates’. If you are already feeling like this with some of the parents, please consider how your child will feel as they grow up with the comparisons to holidays/gifts/first car etc!

I think this is terrible advice. Be who you are if they don’t like you for it then they aren’t nice people !

My daughter had a friend over who has wealthy parents and spent the whole time talking about how small our house was. The whole time. We live in a normal 3 bed. She went on and on and on about it. She is only little, it's not her fault.

I'm with your DH. They already know two GPs aren't as wealthy as them.
Why are you making playdates about you and your insecurities and not about your DC making friends?

You really don’t need to invite the whole family round to lunch but you do have a responsibility to support your DD’s friendships. She didn’t choose to go to a fee paying school and not inviting her friend round because you are insecure is really shitty.