Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

I think that if he had feelings about never having a friend over, then probably it would actually have made him feel better to finally have a friend over? He certainly seemed to be loving it when it happened. No idea whether or not he used to have other friends over or not - whether it was a blanket no-playdates-at-home policy, or just DS who didn't get invited over.

And I very much doubt that he was part of the decision not to have people over. During the infamous "seeing Adam through the window" incident, Adam was literally jumping up and down with excitement to see DS waving from the car.

This was one of the mystifying things about the whole situation, to be honest. If it had been a more one-sided friendship, then I could kind of understand it (though I'd still think the parents were a bit rude not to reciprocate once or twice). But Adam and DS really had a great time together - I saw enough of them at our house to see that! - and hung out every chance they got at school. Adam was an awesome kid, and his parents were really nice, too: friendly, good fun, seemed very confident and cool. (We had the money, but they had the cool!) We got on well, chatted at the school pick up, etc. It genuinely baffled me that they just never ever invited DS for a playdate. It wasn't until I read a Mumsnet thread like this one, years later, that I wondered whether it was a big house/small house thing, purely because I just couldn't think of another explanation.

Reading this back, though, I'm beginning to wonder about another possible reason. Maybe it wasn't the house at all. Maybe our family just weren't very cool?! I mean, I'm an accountant, fgs, and it doesn't get much less cool than that. So I guess that's a possibility. Although they didn't seem snobby in that way, and that school wasn't exactly overrun with arty parents, so if they were waiting for that then they'd be waiting a long time. Who knows? The whole thing is still just a mystery to me, really.

Sorry, just thinking aloud there!

I absolutely, 100% get it OP. We are in the same boat. Our DS goes to a fee paying school and in order to make this happen, we have had to sacrifice a lot. He has school friends with mansions and estates (!!) and we live in a 2 bed flat. At first I felt very uncomfortable having friends round, but 2 things to consider- Firstly, most kids absolutely don't notice the size of each others houses- they just want to mess around and have fun.
Secondly- rich people are not generally only friends with other rich people. Do you think everyone they ever associate with live in mansions? No of course not. They realise they are fortunate and in the few, and if they were only friends with rich people, the pool to choose from would be very small. They are very unlikely to judge you on your house. I, for one, am very impressed that you are both doctors and would find this intimidating!
I have swallowed my pride and my child has a great social life, I have made some lovely mum friends this way- one of them even took us to their holiday home! Go for it.

The chances are they won't judge you. And on the slight chance they do judge you, if they are money and connections focused then they won't say anything to other parents at school because they won't want to lose their image.

For what it's worth when my DD was little, where we lived bordered an affluent part of our city so her nursery had children from a mix of different backgrounds. Her very best friend lived in a 5 bedroom period property with a massive garden. We lived in a tiny 2 up 2 down. There was absolutely zero judgement, they were always happy to come for playdates at ours, and they always welcomed DD with open arms at theirs. Our relationship was very small talk as well. But it was fine. Not all social relationships need to be close 😊

I’ve been both sides of this equation and would never judge. Nor, in my experience, would others.

Much worse is not to reciprocate at all.

We have a few GP friends and they are usually great party animals and we love their company!

I think in these situations op, the thing is to try to do the right thing, and for me that would be returning hospitality and giving the children a nice time.

I don't think you need to reciprocate like for like, just a gesture. Given you clearly feel awkward about it, don't stress yourself about asking them into your home. But make sure you extend a nice invitation of some sort. That's all that's needed.

If they only asked you over because they wanted a gander round your house, then they are going to be disappointed. You don't need to worry about that.

But if they asked you over to try to connect with a family their son would like to be friends with, then you have helped them achieve that by offering to take him to the zoo, the cinema, Go-Ape - whatever. Some of those outings could even be a family outing, inviting the parents as well. They chose what worked for them given they had a pool and probably help preparing the catering etc; you choose what works for you.

This wouldn't bother me. State school and some parents I've mixed with are wealthy to this extent also. You are overthinking it. If they are nice people and it's enjoyable then see how you feel afterwards. You might change your mind. If not just invite the child back next time 🤠 good luck.

Wealthy people aren't one homogeneous group. Some won't judge but some will. I know a wealthy couple who are absolutely vile about those with less than them.

Our kids are at independent school and we have more modest incomes than a lot of the other parents (earn less than Keir Starmer and Bridget Phillipson with all their "broadest shoulders" bullshit... 🙄)

At any school state or independent there are a range of economic circumstances, your kids are going to make friends with people with more and less money than you, bigger and smaller houses than you - and of course somebody in the year will need to have the biggest house and the most money and someone the smallest and the least 🤷‍♂️

If you're only willing for them to socialise with kids in a very similar socioeconomic bracket to you that is unrealistic, impractical and frankly not very fair.

This other family have invited your family into their home, and provided lunch with a play date. That sounds lovely and very kind and generous of them. If they served caviar and oysters that doesn't mean you need to...but extending the same level of hospitality and friendliness would be nice.

It sounds like you've got a chip on your shoulder you need to get over - if you don't it's your kids that will suffer.

In a similar situation, in that by a bit of luck live in a very wealthy part of London.

I think perhaps you may be uncomfortable as you are not as wealthy. On the whole though am
not sure that people really think of other people that much. there will be richer, there will be poorer, people are at the end of the day people.

Invite them over, to take the stress out of it, have a simple kitchen lunch. Shove a large chicken in the oven, serve it with the white crusty bread from M &. S and a selection of their side bits (easy to cater for allergies at M&S as well).

Oh this is the worst advice of all!
Mentioning the house, promising to reciprocate, not coming through on it.

Well that's very mean spirited. They won't care. Wealthy people don't. They have what they have, they are aware that might not make them friends as there is a horrible undercurrent of envy and spite towards anyone with anything in the UK. They are obviously really happy that your dcs are friends. It's about the dcs not the house size. You are the one doing the judging.

You should do the play date. You said they seemed perfectly nice ( before you saw their house) and I assume they like you or wouldn’t have invited you to their place … give it a try and if it turns out that you guys aren’t going to be the best of friends just leave it there

‘Hi Janet, thanks so much for having us over. Beautiful home! We’d love to reciprocate when we have a spare minute! So busy!’ Never mention it again.

The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school.

This is the core of it.

The only answer I have is : you can't control what other people do and talk about, and what they think is actually ..... non of your business.

On the vanishingly rare occasions I've come across the super powerful and rich nowadays I find it intimidating too, but try to keep in mind that in the end we're all just well developed monkeys in a tribe and that much excess money is somewhat laughable.

The most powerful man I knew, lovely lovely man, kept his role under wraps for three years before it crept out. He was jaw droppingly rich but turned up on his bicycle week in and week out and related to people just as people.

I saw an actual Hollywood A listers young kids in the council soft play area when mine were tiny 😀

Stop overthinking it. Chances are they are perfectly nice people who happen to earn a lot. If they turn out to be complete arseholes who bitch about you to others, then you can cut them off.

OP, kindly, you and your DH are doctors in the NHS.

You should feel proud of that and proud of what you've achieved.

My children attend a school with ultra wealthy parents too. I cannot imagine any of them ever looking down their nose at NHS doctors! It just wouldn't happen. However talking about money and wealth is absolutely frowned upon - for good reason.

I would invite them round, have a large glass of wine before they arrive and hope for the best! You may be surprised.

If not, you've done the right thing and been a good role model for your DC. You can't do more than that.

Good luck!

Hear hear!

OP we are in a similar position to you - not medicine and our kids mix in a variety of circles. Our multi millionaire friends have humongous houses we like you have a modest semi in a nice area and we are well paid professionals nothing like their incomes though. We would earn less than two GPs. Our fees are £40k a year and this stretches us massively.

What I’ve found is, you bring your own energy to life. Don’t downplay yourself , don’t shut yourself down for the sake of money. Ultimately if they are the sort of people to judge then that’s their issue not your’s. Reciprocate - own it, you’ve done exceptionally well. We have several doctors in our family (my DH siblings and mine) they send their kids to fee paying schools we all lead similar lifestyles with similar sized houses, there is still a mix at Pvte schools

Listen to this poster - particularly the last line.

It will be absolutely fine. People generally want to find common ground rather than look for problems.

And if, in the unlikely event, they aren’t nice guests you just don’t repeat the invitation.

Just what I was thinking - they arrange the playdates for the kids, not the grown-ups (unless you do end up becoming parent buddies who get together a couple of times a month for a cuppa/drinks and a catch up)

I understand your feelings, however, at the end of the day, it's about the children and their playdate, not about the size of your house and financial situation.

I grew up in a big 5 bedroom house (built by my dad) and went on numerous playdates and sleepovers to my friends houses, many of which were small by comparison. It made diddly squat of a difference! I just got excited to go to a house that was different from my own!

Extend the invite - have the playdate if they accept and just go with the flow. Be proud of what you have. With the economic crisis and everything, you're doing pretty well with your joint salary and 3 bed semi-detached.

If you don't really click there is absolutely no need to have the whole family round for dinner. Just take your child and their out for an afternoon e.g. mini golf/trampoline/cinema/climbing wall / bowling/ board game cafe / whatever they're into.

What are they going to say about your house? That you’re a cheap peasant or something? That you’re in some way lesser?

I bet the parents are lovely and couldn’t give a hoot. They just want the kids to enjoy playing together.

I know it’s easier said than done, but just don’t think about it.

Unless they are very dim (and there’s no suggestion they are) they are aware that most others are poorer than themselves. They aren’t judging you any more than you, presumably, would judge a family poorer than yourself.

Also, as a double-GP family, if they are included to think in terms of status you have basically the perfect alibi. The fact you haven’t earned big-finance money is obviously the result of a conscious choice to apply your brains and effort in a different path. They might even feel somewhat insecure around you.