Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

Since you don’t click I suggest you either…
don’t reciprocate and the friendship will fizzle out due to your perceived rudeness or
do reciprocate and the friendship will fizzle out when they see you are not a good fit for their circle.
Job done either way.

I would invite them round and do as you would normally do when you have guests.
And teach your children money is not the most important thing. And it definitely does not make them better because they have more money.
If they are snobs and rude about you then you can avoid inviting them again.
But really do you care what they think about you?
You have said yourself you are not realistically going to be friends.
You just need to be civil for the children's sake.

I was very proud at how I had managed to buy a home, run a car and send him to an excellent school on one low salary

I mean good for you, I'm not knocking you at all...I'm just wondering how on earth you could do all this on one low salary when others can't?! Unless your money magically stretches further or your definition of a low salary is vastly different to my definition!

We lived in a draughty, no central heating farmhouse as tenant farmers, living hand to mouth. All our friends and our DCs’ friends had more money than us but people enjoyed coming to us because there was lots of room for the DCs to play, inside and out, and I would cook a lunch or supper as cheaply as possible.
Quite honestly I cba with comparing myself with others!

One of my best friends for the past 30 years nearly didn't become so because I was so overwhelmed by the supper they gave us early on in our friendship ... Home-made pate, delicious complicated main, fancy pudding all served on matching crockery with silver cutlery ...
Turns out they loved hosting and threw everything into it

My DS went to private school and whilst most were like us there were a few from very wealthy families. It didn't matter. They all had reciprocal playdates and as they got older sleepovers

I was never embarrassed about our situation. I was very proud at how I had managed to buy a home, run a car and send him to an excellent school on one low salary.

Decent people do not judge.

Why should this even be a consideration? Crazy if your children are friends. It's something I wouldn't give any thought to. They're doing them, you're doing you. This judging and eyeing up is tedious and pointless. Just do what you'd do with any other parent. Be confident.

I live in a lovely big house (although definitely not a mansion with a pool!). But I grew up in a two-up-two-down, which was easily the smallest of all my friends' houses.

I never thought anything of it, we all had fun at all the houses. I would be really sad to think that someone wouldn't return a playdate in fear of judgement like that.

I think you’re overthinking this +++. I have friends in council houses on benefits, I have friends with 6 bedroom houses who drive Aston martins. I’m somewhere in the middle. I’ve never felt uncomfortable in their houses nor them in mine (as far as I know at least)

So what if they do judge you? Why do you fear their judgement? It can’t hurt you.

It’s hardly as if doctors are going to be looked down upon by any social circle, regardless of assets. You’re overthinking this. Obviously the other parents have more wealth, but they’re not going to see you as “povo doctor plebs” and feel the need to protect their child from you. Get some perspective - they clearly think you’re suitable to spend time with their child and there’s obviously some level of trust there.

There's a lot of inverted snobbery in the UK sadly. I like to go about with the attitude of it not mattering at all and pretending not to notice these things.

Them doing that is in poor taste. People who are actually rich don't drag about how much they earn. I also loathe the whole talking about the house thing that people with mansions do. Invite them but say no talk of politics, religion, sex or money. Even say that as a joke with a smile on your face and they'll get the hint

I was the kid in school whose parents had plenty of money.

My best friend had a scholarship to the school and her parents lived in a council house and had very little money.

But did that matter? Not at all. I loved going to play at her house. My parents never looked down on hers and were just happy I had a nice friend.

Please don’t give your child a chip on their shoulder about money.

The reason I think they’re money focussed is because of how they talk about their house and the husband’s salary, they are very proud of it and seem to move in very wealthy circles.

The Old Money parents will be judging them for this, if that makes you feel better.

Whether the situation is awkward or not will be partly - although of course not entirely - down to you here.

I completely empathise with your worries. I have a similar problem myself but much lower down the pecking order of social hierarchy lol (my DH and I have good NHS jobs but have prioritised experiences and savings over a nicer home, so we live in a small terraced house with outdated kitchen and bathroom whilst all of DD's nursery friends seem to live in much larger and nicer places).

I also think it is right that some people, at all levels of wealth, absolutely do look down on those with smaller homes. Some house owners look down on people with smaller houses, who look down on people with flats, who look down on renters... Some people do measure status and worth in this very materialistic way. It might be that your instincts about this couple are correct and that they will be among the judgey ones.

But what's the worst that can happen here? If they judge you, they are in my view at least dicks and don't deserve your friendship. If they tell other people and other people remotely care about their assessment, those people are also dicks. And we don't know for sure that they'll be like that at all so the worst case might well not play out. Indeed, since they know you're doctors, I'd imagine that these people are unlikely to be surprised by your lack of mansion (unless they think you're private physicians to oligarchs or something).

This seems to really be about your lack of confidence and perhaps in some way a buying into the idea that house sizes and wealth do confer superiority. In fact you and your husband have worked hard and do very important jobs and should by all rights be bloody proud of yourselves. Maybe this is a stereotype on my part as of course I have no idea what lives these other parents have had and what they might have overcome to build their wealth, but I'd imagine there is a strong chance that you and your DH have more interesting life experiences too.

It's hard to make yourself feel confident when you don't but you can try acting it, and telling yourself that you and your house are enough, and that you are valuable for your company and personality regardless of anything else.

Of course, if you just find them a bit dull then no reason to pursue a friendship - doesn't sound like this couple have bowled you over with their fascinating personalities, even if they do have a lovely pool.

Good luck!

For all you know, they’re thinking, O God, Tommy’s parents are doctors! What if they think we’re stupid/not contributing anything to society etc.

Invite them back, make sure the house is nice and clean and let the kids have a nice time. It is what it is.

Hire a massive posh air b and b and pretend it's your gaff
.. you'll have to keep doing I be very time they come over though...

Or just he proud of your own life, send them to state school or grammar school and you'll have double the income to upgrade your "poor person house" then you can be the rich wealthy parent of the state school friends

@Calliopespa

‘Hi Janet, thanks so much for having us over. Beautiful home! We’d love to reciprocate when we have a spare minute! So busy!’ Never mention it again.

Oh this is the worst advice of all!
Mentioning the house, promising to reciprocate, not coming through on it.

You had to add the word promising to make it more dramatic because the reality of it is, it’s not that deep 🤣 You’re not British if you don’t suggest a meet up out of politeness you have no intention of following up on. Sorry!

Wow, Op @partytimed your entire salary going on school fees… that’s some sacrifice

I genuinely don't think the kids care. Years ago we had a hot tub in the back of the garden, we live in a 3 bed terrace, not a huge garden. DCs friends parents were very rich, huge house, Ferrari etc but he went back to his parents and said he wished they were as rich as us so they could have a hot tub 😂

Well they sound charming. I'm sorry you have to deal with them. I don't think it is common though. Certainly in my sphere of reference the judgement is all the other way.

Ok, I understand the full situation a bit more now.

And actually you are right: arty types can have their own snobby takes on things - and I say that quite lovingly really, having a couple of arty friends!

Why so insecure? If you had thought ahead, you'd have realised these things are a real possibility and you should prepare accordingly. For some it is better to be the richer parents at the state school vs the (relatively) poor parent at the fee paying school.

Anyway, I'm heading off piste, stop worrying as they won't give a shit. Not really. Just let the kids play.

(Firstly, congrats on a good job.)

if you’re feeling self conscious, meet at a park or soft play