Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

Hard disagree here!

I am much less well off than many of my social circle but a lot of them have told me they envy my confidence, lifestyle, job, education, attitude to life, home etc. The latter is very humble!

A doctor is a respectable, educated professional role, and I think (deep down maybe!) many finance professionals would envy this, and the different that role can make in the world.

I do stress that this may well be subconscious! But it’s still a thing.

I have a friend whose XH now dates a finance bimbo and she is deeply jealous of the XW, who is a very clever, well educated woman.

Gosh- we experienced the same thing so badly while our daughter was at a few paying school. To be honest I never quite figured it out and avoided hosting except at the park and out for pizza. We’ve switched to state school but live in a v expensive area now- we live in one of the only terraced houses in the area and our daughter has been asked around to the mega mansions yet again. We actually just got on the property ladder and I feel very grateful for what I have but I did find and still sometimes do is feel weirdly ungrateful or like what I have isn’t enough when I compare. Especially as I was married to a very wealthy man and would have been one of those ladies in the mansions but was v unhappy especially as I never saw my husband. Now I see my new husband (8 years new) and we have a modest but happy life. So I’m trying not to compare.

long story short is I haven’t figured it out entirely but you can try to meet out with children or suck it up. I’ve found it can happen anywhere.

Honestly this. We're a very high income household but I really respect and sometimes envy my cleverer, maybe lower earning friends. They've achieved masses, are intelligent, clever and their homes are happy and comfy

wtf

You can’t help how you feel- but you should own that this is your problem, not theirs. I think when you think like this it makes your world a bit smaller, and that of your children’s. Take people as you find them- if they’re snobby or judgemental then that’s a valid reason to not pursue a friendship- but I think a courtesy return invitation is the polite thing to do at the very least.

Please do not feel that you HAVE to reciprocate. Plenty don't. Even if it is because of your perceived feelings of being "less than" because I know those feelings and they may be so much part of you that you feel you can't get over them.

But I will just say that from what I can see the wealthier parents at DC's private school are just as impressed by GPs (the higher meritocracy) as by other people's wealth. And also useful friends to have for a bit of medical advice/in an emergency.

Offer to drop the child back to their house, that's what I did. I had this where my son played at his friend's, big house and so on. They asked if he could to mine, I was embarrassed as I lived in a flat with smelly neighbours and I was embarrassed of the communal areas. I offered to drop the child back at their house, parents were overjoyed and never saw where I lived!. You will be fine.

Jeeze, I'm glad I had my kids when play dates (aka coming round to play) only involved the kids. If I'd had to entertain the parents as well, I would have hated it.

When did school kids playing at each others houses turn into full on family entertaining?

I'm pretty certain that kids would far rather play round their friends house without their parents hovering over their shoulders. Isn't that the whole point? That they learn to socialise independently?

When my kids had their friends round, my role was to keep well in the background except when offering drinks and snacks. When parents picked their kids up, it was an unwritten rule that we didn't talk for more then a minute or so to avoid being SO EMBARRASSING.

Is this because you are judgemental towards people less fortunate than yourself if so then maybe you could change your thinking. I have friends that are very very well off I on the other hand am really not and they don't judge me they actually like the fact that I don't give a f what other people think of me and they can be relaxed around me instead of being on all the time. You'll never keep up with the jones but you can be the best version of yourself

You need to be more concerned about all the unsolicited health problems they will ask you about!
It would be rude to not invite the children back, maybe take them for cinema/pizza?

Think about it this way.
I would feel the same way you do about a playdate with your children. I’m only a part time teacher, husband is a full time teacher. we have a nice 4 bed-semi on a nice estate but the area is not hugely desirable. We couldn’t afford private school.
Ask yourself, would you judge us?
Be honest. Maybe if you would don’t reciprocate. If you wouldn’t then just assume they won’t either.
I would assume most people would see Doctors as a highly professional, educated and hard working profession.

Kindly, OP, you are being a bit silly. What did you expect? At some point you will need to reciprocate despite a visible disparity, if not with these parents then with others. It’s not about you, it’s about your children being able to make friends and spend time with those friends.

I have a similar situation. We are very much on the lower end of the scale in terms of wealth amongst other parents. We understood this when we opted for a higher end private school. A consequence of that is that our children have made friends with some classmates who lead completely different lives to ours in almost every aspect- holidays, birthday parties, Christmas presents, houses (plural), clothing and jewellery etc.

We don’t worry about that disparity because it’s not something we can change. If another parent has an issue because we are not in their financial league then that is their problem. Our job has been to ensure that our children can socialise with their classmates from a school we selected for them.

it’s not about you.

Honestly, they'll just be happy their child has a playdate. They will know you're not minted - you're not business founders or investment bankers. They will also know private school fees are very expensive these days so will respect you for making sacrifices. Have some more confidence and don't give two thoughts about it. The children won't care either. It's more of an issue if you don't invite.

We found that, however rich the person, doctors were very well respected within the private school environment and people were keen to make friends with them and their children. They were seen as solidly middle class, intelligent and sensible types.

Perhaps suggest a reciprocal play date in a park with lunch before or afterwards (you could offer to pay for lunch). Invite another family if they’re a bit boring and braggy. After a couple of meets, play dates are usually drop and go unless the kids are very young.

We are similar - in the class we probably sit in the middle, but will be perceived to be lower because of my background and choice of work, and also the area we live in.

I used to feel a bit intimidated in the preschool years, but these days they take me as they find me and I give no shits. My house is ample for who we are as a family, no one ants for anything much, and we save a lot.

How about inviting them round for something less formal?

They won't judge you, I shouldn't think. You'll probably end up judging them more, I should think. It can certainly be hard to relate to issues like the turning circle on your horse box...

You're not British if you'd pass comment on the house!

Your wording is basically "we will ask you if and when we aren't too busy."

If you'd left it at "we'd love to have you over" that might be different.

When I was a kid I had a horse so I had some super rich friends. One had a massive mansion a chauffeur, handy man house keeper. My parents worked in a factory/driving jobs. Not once did they look down their nose. These parents won’t care about your house. If they do you’re much better off than them in how you view the world.

Just let your child make friends with all sorts of people (also get them involved in groups not dominated by fee paying school kids).

Thing is people genrally dont have everything. You have more than most. Good jobs. Private schools and presumably good house. Your kids are likely to be clever too.
The other parents have slightly more money. Or bigger house - who cares.
Some people will have inherited or are older so when jobs paid better etc.

I actually hate playdates at peoples houses. I dont really get it. The kids prefer trampoline parks.and soft play etc.

last playdate we went to. They d id have a huge house. Easily double ours. But location was very rural. The one before that house was a lso doubke however i kniw they bought it from a largish inheritance and again the location isnt as good either.

Unless they are very dim (and there’s no suggestion they are) they are aware that most others are poorer than themselves. They aren’t judging you any more than you, presumably, would judge a family poorer than yourself.

I think the term poor has been misused here. Neither family are poor, thus other people can not be poorer than them. I think it should be less affluent.

Good god, you are both Doctors! In the event of a heart attack god forbid at a dinner party YOU and your DH would be the most important people in the room!

You are saving lives. Both my sons went to a very well known public boarding school. Quite honestly there were a large range of parents. Some both worked full time, some were new rich, old rich, grandparents paying the fees etc. I was brought up by single Mother, never went to uiniversity, couldnt hold a tennis racket BUT I do have confidence. I worked full time. No one is going to look down on me. And some of the Mums massively lived off their husband's salary and life. Its fine to rely on someone financially until of course it isnt and the relationship breaks down.

One time I went to collect son at the end of term. Some twit of a Father turned up in a Ferrari to collect all his son's belongings! The son was fuming and that everyone was laughing because there was NO way his clobber would fit in!

How would you feel if your DC made friends with a child that lived in a tiny rented flat and the parents didn’t want your DC as a guest at theirs because your 3 bed semi was too fancy?

The only thing that matters is that the family are pleasant and DC’s well behaved. Money and size of house don’t alter these things!

Don’t need to invite the whole family round to reciprocate, just ask if X wants to come over for a play date/hanging out and you’re happy to collect them/drop them off if it helps. That way it’s clear that you’ll be inviting the kid only.

Don’t deny your child a friend because of your own insecurities, that’s very sad.

If they are the sort to judge, so what? Let them, move on to the next friendship group.

Your house is smaller, who cares?

We have friends where the disparity is similar, our kids started at the same private school. They are truly decent people and I would count the woman as one of my best friends. Our income is irrelevant to them, we hold similar values, that is what matters. You don’t really know them so don’t judge.

Unlikely. The most common response so far from wealthy tech/finance workers has been a scornful “God, how awful. Do you at least do a lot of private work?” (I am very happy in my job and do not do any private work)

And I’m a consultant in a teaching hospital, not a GP. I’m not sure the very wealthy have ever been impressed by doctors to be honest! But if they were in the past, they definitely aren’t now.

To be clear, I do think that OP should reciprocate, and the other parents probably won’t much care that she has less money. But it is laughable to think they will be intimidated by her job.