Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

Only one family in our time there really stood out as judgmental....the one whose daughter has commented twice about our very nice semi detatched houses (we moved half way through our time at the school). The first comment had to be at 5 or 6 years old "why is your house connected to someone elses??" And the other perhaps 3 years later, "why has your house got two numbers?" "One belongs to next doors house, and one to ours", was my reply. The school certainly didn't teach her those thoughts.

How on earth are these comments judgemental from a child? They are typical curious question from a child. My children asked the childminder why someone lives in the upstairs of her house (maisonette). I was mortified but it was not a judgy question from a 5 year old in an area where most people live in a house & there are very few flats.

You've picked private school which is incredibly expensive these days (you acknowledge that your whole GP salary is taken up paying for it). That does mean the majority of the DC there are going to be... very well off.

You've made your bed, now you have to lie in it.

It is what it is - you've chosen to embed your children in a world dominated by the very privileged.

Maybe they feel they have to elevate themselves by speaking about their wealth, due to feeling insecure about your academic career achievement?

You've "become aware of the massive wealth at the school"?! What did you think segregated education was about?!

I find people's opinions really interesting on this topic. My DD just started at a state run secondary school after completing primary school at a fee paying school.

Like you, we prioritised education over luxuries to send her there, but decided in the end, as an only child, we needed her to have friends locally for secondary school. Friends who she could walk to school with and see easily at weekends without us taxi-ing her to friends living far and wide, which tends to happen with independant school families.

I wasted so much time over 7 years worrying how we were perceived. Even though I knew it was silly; values matter more in friendships, than financial status. Like many people are suggesting, you (and I did too) are judging the 'rich' for being successful....I never wanted a big career and to climb the ladder, I just wanted to be a Mum. Each to their own.

I will also add that, I know many 'rich' people are in debt up to their eyeballs to keep up appearances....I have a friend who works for a debt charity...they help people set up payment plans when things get out of control...she sees school fees on expenses quite often.

I will say that I feel so much lighter now that I no longer have to pull up in my 11 year old car and stand in the playground, wishing I had made more of an effort with my appearance (but this would have been the same feeling I would have had at state school I imagine).

Only one family in our time there really stood out as judgmental....the one whose daughter has commented twice about our very nice semi detatched houses (we moved half way through our time at the school). The first comment had to be at 5 or 6 years old "why is your house connected to someone elses??" And the other perhaps 3 years later, "why has your house got two numbers?" "One belongs to next doors house, and one to ours", was my reply. The school certainly didn't teach her those thoughts.

That family have asked us to a social event soon, which will be mostly attended by families who still go to independent schools. We haven't seen them for about 2 years. I am in two minds whether to go....I am pretty sure they just want to see how we are managing at state school now....if I have to think this hard about if I want to go or not, it's not worth going, I know! Some of us are just overthinkers.

My daughter had a great start in life, the most beneficial thing I think she got from her primary school is not the education, but confidence, I do feel small class sizes help teachers spend more time on each child, building the bits that need extra help.

My advice: invite the family over and never be ashamed of being you! If they make you feel like you want to spend more time with them, great. If not, you don't need to invite them again.

You don’t need to ‘manage this’. You just carry on with your life, doing the best for your dd and creating a loving home. Money isn’t everything and you might be surprised that you’re offering something different on the play date.
Also, give your head a wobble and think about real inequalities people face

This sounds pathetic coming from a GP... surely you are used to seeing old grandma's with flu and babies with asthma because they're living in a damp shit council flat? Do you not just feel lucky/satisfied with what you have?

Also stop paying for private schools with your entire salary if youre pisssd off about 1 whole salary being spunked on something 99% of the population can attend FOR FREE.

You’re a GP!! That’s a wonderful job and should be paid a lot better. You’re doing really well to send them to private school. Don’t worry that you’re one of the ‘poorer’ parents. I’m sure you’re not poor. If anyone makes you feel bad then you shouldn’t hang out with them as they’re probably not very nice individuals 🤷‍♀️

I would go ahead and host the play date. The children love spending time together which is the important thing. My DD has been to play dates at all sorts of houses, it wouldn't cross my mind to judge someone by their wealth. It is completely shallow. I would be more likely to judge a rude person or someone with a lack of manners. In all honesty, the other family sound quite vulgar discussing their finances. It reminds me of that "considerably richer than you" comedy sketch, think it was Harry Enfield or the Fast Show.

Only risk is the friendship endures and your teen switches family - we just can’t compete with their house / lifestyle.

Meh. My kids go to a fee paying school too. I'm a teavher and they get a big discount. We're not poor, but we're not private-school affluent! Some of our friends live in mansions with pools and tennis courts etc. I don't care. They know what I do for a job and my house is perfectly fine. It's not a big deal.

Everyone will compare themselves to others- it’s human nature -but the important thing is to ensure that the kids are aware that it doesn’t matter. Some people have impressive careers and earn a lot. Some earn a lot but prioritize spending on holidays over property. Some people earn decent amounts but don’t want to overcommit with mortgages or private school fees ..

All in your head. Just reciprocate the play date. It’s a nice thing to do unless they are not kind or stuck up.

Yes, I found the tribalism far more pronounced when mine were at state school than it is at their independent schools. At their current schools it feels like everyone is just united in their desire to give their children the best education they can.

@BufferingAgain I had my DD in state education and my God did people separate themselves out into status groups! It surprised me how overt it was and these parents curated friendships with approved dc. We were not approved so my DD was left out. I suspect we were the wealthiest but they were still striving. It felt very odd. We gave up with DD2 and she went to a prep where even the super rich were friendly and normal. Manners maketh man.

Some people that are now living in 7 bedroom mansions once lived in 2 bed terraces.
we have friends with lots of money. Their kids love coming to our house. It’s messy but clean, but also lots of fun. People are not as snobby as you think.

Let them judge if they want to judge. You can't control other people but you can control what you worry about and this is a waste of your mental energy. What's the worst that would happen if they are judgemental?

Why don't you have a play date somewhere fun? Or have a picnic? You don't have to open your house if you're uncomfortable.

Me too. Mine are at an independent school at the cheaper end of the scale but annual fees for 2 of them is more than the average midwife salary. Add in housing/bills/food/clothing etc…

My husband left and doesn’t contribute financially so the fees are all on me, a midwife who doesn’t earn masses

You said children...so at least two...even with scrimping and saving, I am struggling to see how you could manage this...

This point nails it for me OP!

They will already know how much you make.

Well done you. That's really impressive and I hope your dc realise what a mum they have in you.🏆

Ohh PLEEEASE don’t fret for a second!
You could have gone into investment banking if you’d have wanted to be filthy rich but you chose medicine where you can help people and make a difference. Everyone knows that medics are not paid here what they would be in other countries.

These other parents will likely have huge respect for you and your husband for what you do.

Honestly no one cares if your house is a ‘normal’ house. They will know that their child will be safe and well looked after under your roof.

Please don’t waste a second worrying about this.

If they talk about their wealth just be self deprecating about how many years you spent studying but still earn peanuts. Your jobs are your currency in this instance.

I went to a private school. I had playdates in mansions with pools, and playdates in 2 up 2 down terraces. There was only 1 super rich parent I felt was snooty and looked down on me being average middle class. I don't think any others really cared about wealth. The shared factor was they valued education.