Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

You’re just going to have to bite the bullet. I’ve had the same feelings as you but they do pass you just need to focus on the children being friends and having a good time. Remember not everything is always as it seems. My children’s best friends parents started out as very wealthy, big 6 bed house, range rovers each, private chef, expensive jewellery, swimming pool etc unfortunately they lost it all through bad investments. They had to move out of their private gated area, and near to us and start over.

Out of their old circle of friends they don’t see any of them they all disappeared when things went wrong and stopped calling/inviting. We live in a normal semi, doing ok just keeping our heads above water, our children met at swimming, we got talking as parents. I knew they had money and when the children asked if they could have play dates I was mortified but just thought well it’s not about me. I remember when they came over they were having so much fun building dens, playing dress up and still do to this day…when they first went to the other house they went into the pool, had the chef make them anything they want and came back telling me all about it.

Inside I was panicking but hearing from their parents how much fun their children had at ours and vice versa made me feel better. To me it’s how you teach your children manners about how not everyone has everything others might have but they are loved.

When people come to visit obviously our home is tidied but not a show-home, absolutely I would love a new bathroom, kitchen extension and various other things but I also thank my lucky stars our children are happy and have friends they can play/learn from. Their parents are very good friends of ours and that is because we supported them and they have supported us. Honestly don’t worry about it people don’t care as long as their children are safe and happy whilst in your care.

Well that just shows how crass they are.

Trust me, it IS rude not to. You need to get over this.

Just be yourselves. Ive moved in mixed economic circles like this (private school where some parents were loaded, some were making it work, and some were definitely on low incomes but either there on scholarship or grandparents were paying).

Everyone's house and lifestyles were different. The friendships that endured were because they got on well and didnt behave like bell ends. When you strip ot back, income really shouldn't decide who you click with.

I initially felt awkward reciprocating playdates, and then realised people will either like us or they won't. If they decide they dont based on our incomes, then they're not our cup of tea anyway.

Well IF they’ll be judging then they are judgemental people and surely not who you’d want to associate with at all. Right?

But maybe all this is in your head? I’m quite wealthy. But I don’t judge people. What matters for me and where my children go, is that the house is clean, the snacks are healthy, and the people are kind and polite decent human beings. That’s it. The irony is that a lot of people judge the wealthy unfairly. Possibly here as in your case. Please relax and give them the benefit of doubt if your DD enjoys playing with their DC.

But so what if they’re judging her? The OP doesn’t want to be friends with them anyway. So who cares what they think?

My DD won a scholarship to a large independent school. I'm pretty sure we were the poorest parents there. My DD became great friends with a Chinese girl. She couldn't go home at half term as too far. Once my DD realised this meant she had to stay at school over half term she asked if she could invite her friend to stay at our house. This meant sharing DD qqluite small bedroom. She was invited came to stay most half terms after that. I worried because our house at the time was small and crowded. She liked coming to stay. She invited my DD to go back to China with her over summer. Her family insisted on paying for my DD to travel and my DD told me she had a whole suite of rooms of her own over there and had a maid too. She was treated like a princess and taken to see the grandmother which was an honour. I said to my DD what must her friend think of our house but she said she liked coming to us and she liked our dog and cat. She wanted a pet but wasn't allowed one at her home. After that I didn't worry anymore. They remained friends all through school and DD went to China and on holiday with her friends family several times and they always refused to let us buy flight tickets.

We live on the edge of a wealthy area and my DD's primary had a mix of wealthy and not so wealthy. Anyway, she had a friend once who lived in a mansion, we live in a 2 bed terrace. Honestly, it was fine. And if it happened been that would have been their issue not mine.

Don’t lie…..don’t pretend you’ve got more than you have…..don’t invent a second home. You will get caught out sooner or later and that will damage your reputation far more than not living in a mansion with 7 bedrooms, a pool and whatever else they’ve got!
Be yourselves, you earn an honest living and should be proud of your profession.

Then why add you bothered what they think of you?
Your children are friends, that’s the extent of the relationship.

I think it's disingenuous to say that they are definitely not going to be judging the op and that all wealthy people are incredibly down to earth. Some are, some aren't. It's like anything. But if they are boastful then it doesn't really bode well.

You don’t have to be? It’s about your dc and their friendship.

One of my closest friends lives in a beach front luxury home with pool, i have a tiny run down cottage and an income far far less than yours. I had my wedding reception at her home, take dd over to use the pool, my DD adores friends DDs who are a bit older. Her house is always busy with people in and out and super welcoming. My friend is my friend because we like and value each other.

You need to sort out your issues and prejudices now before they unsettle your child and make it difficult for them to establish themselves amongst their peers at school.

Jesus Christ, this bloody obsession with what other people think of you. Who bloody cares? Stop seeking validation and just get on with your life. Just invite them over and and host them as you would do to a regular friend. Treat them nice and politely and they they turn to be materialistic individuals their loss for being so shallow. Why is that so important to you? Grow up!

I wouldn’t worry. They will probably discreetly take you aside at some moment and say

“ Can I ask you about something a bit personal? I don’t want to bother my own doctor about it because it will cost me squllions , but would value your free advice.”

Listen, you say you're happy with your choice so it's time to put your (lack of) money where your mouth is. Your kid has to live in these dynamics every single day so you can do it for one lunch, proudly and unapologetically. Model the right approach to your children or don't send them private, because you are creating an inner conflict for them to untangle later by behaving as if it's awkward that you have less money than their peers.

My (one) old-money rich friend is the loveliest, most thoughtful person I know. She very down to earth although we acknowledge our earths are a bit different!

When I met her crowd, I admit I felt inferior in some ways, but like in ANY group, it didn’t take long to settle in and realise that the things that matter most are not material possessions.

We were mum friends and everyone was having the same worries about their kids - rich or poor - spending enough time with them; screen time; child’s confidence; friendships. I had a cool job at the time (one that took some courage) and some of the group were definitely intrigued - I’d go as far as saying impressed - and your job will create a similar impression. However, I didn’t need annyone to be impressed, I wasn’t talking about topics to get reactions, I was just being myself. I also had some heartfelt conversations with a couple of the wealthy friends about their fear around loss of identity having been out of the workforce for so long. So, the themes of worry were often the same, but the level of comfort they sat in while worried differed.

As a PP said, someone has to be the poorest, well, this time it’s you. It’s all relative isn’t it. My advice would be to recognise your feelings and do a bit of reflecting. What’s the problem with being the ‘poorest’? How might this feeling impact how you interact with the “the poorest” from your own world?

I’d have the play date and continue with an open mind and welcome the child as you would any of your child’s friends. Be who you are, authentically. Your DC is mixing in this world now, it would be good for you to examine your feelings and face the discomfort for their sake.

Many ppl will assume that you on 2x drs salaries are wealthy. Its all relative. Invite the kid back.

A friend has her dc in a private school - there are some show offy twats in the playground, she styles it out. Invents ludicrous stories to compete with the mega holidays..

@partytimed I think your issue is that you have stepped out of your self imposed box and don’t like what you see. Did you think there would not be rich people at the school? Plenty who find the fees in their back pockets? We always used to say, “if you cannot stand the heat, get out of the fire”. You obviously have separated yourself out from wealthier people and know your station in life and the school heirarchy. I think, deep down, you think you are better than these people and they have no right to be pleased about their success. That feels a bit off to me. A doctor near me educated dc privately and he’s the most obnoxious snob I know!

So delving deeper; why do you think they cannot have a nice lunch with you? I’m assuming they didn’t invite you round to just show you their house? Did they do it because your dc get on? That seems reasonable.

My DD visited a family who were in the top 100 wealthiest in the country at school and went on holiday with them . Not that we did lunches for parents but I think you should reciprocate and get over yourself. You will come across as mean and jealous if you don’t. Plus, it could be this family have done well from absolutely nothing. It’s probably novel to them. They definitely aren’t old money are they? Maybe they are decent enough people and you obviously have dc in common! I really cannot see why doctors cannot talk to anyone! Although my neighbour would talk down to anyone! Would you feel like this about rich patients? These people presumably pay tax that keeps you employed? Or pay fees that provide private work for many doctors! I’d cut them some slack and put your prejudices away for a bit.

I find people who are boastful are not confident in themselves, and people who did not grow up wealthy are usually like this too. Good for them for having money however they got it, you and your husband are doctors they maybe feel inferior to you.
You will have this issue all through your dc school life if they are in that type of school, so you should start as you mean to go on hold your head high and invite them round. You’ll soon find out who is a decent person

My kids are at independent schools. It’s a massive stretch for us financially, and we live in a bog standard house with a 20 year old kitchen that desperately needs replacing.
Ive always hosted play dates, and I’ve never had the impression that people are judging us for our house. And if they did, they wouldn’t be the sort of people I’d want to associate with anyway. My house is clean and welcoming, and that’s all I’m bothered about.

Yes it would make a great C5 drama series.

This is one of the most bonkers posts I have seen here. 😂

But you are doctors!! Don’t under estimate the social capital that brings… They might be multi millionaires but everyone respects doctors and are proud to have doctor connections.

In all seriousness though, please don’t worry about it. My DD goes to a prep where half her class seem to work at JP Morgan. But there are also others who are living in normal houses and make sacrifices to prioritise education in their lives. It’s fine!

My son was friendly with a famous writer’s son. Went to his house came back slightly awe struck: pool, two kitchens, housekeeper etc ( he was about 7/8). The boy’s birthday parties were legendary. Anyway what can you do? You don’t have to impress the parents, they are hopefully not so stuck up that they can’t recognise people live on different budgets!
I have also been in the other end - not ‘rich’ but I had a big detached house and my DDs good friend was in a small terrace and had to share a room either her grandmother. I think they earned more than me but had different priorities, but from the outside it looked like a big difference. Anyway the kids didn’t care and neither did us grownups!