Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

As someone who lives in the big house with the pool - I don’t care what people’s houses are like, I know lots of people have less than us - but I do care if my child isn’t included or reciprocated because their parents feel insecure.

if you don’t want to invite them over, then invite them to join you at an event or venue. But hiding from it and restricting your child’s social world / cutting off their kid becuase of it isn’t kind…

Just go for it. It goes with the territory if you are at private school. The kids will enjoy it and the parents already know nobody is as rich as them at the school.

At prep school I had a very very rich friend - her house is now a luxury hotel.

I enjoyed our playdates but did come home once and suggested my parents could convert our bathroom into a playroom as I didn't have one.

Boringly they felt we still needed a toilet and a bath.

I'm still gutted it didn't work out with the boyfriend I had age 7 as he was loaded, house with indoor pool and multiple tennis courts.

I think you need to realise this is your issue and try to get over it.

It wouldn’t be practicable or a good lesson for your children to only associate with people in the same narrow socio-economic bracket you are in.

We have some friends like this who live in a huge house with a gym and cinema room. They obviously do realise that not everyone else lives in a house like that. I don’t think your three bed house is going to be the shocker that you think it might be.

Nobody cares as much as you do, honestly. We live in a very affluent area & my DC has lots of friends who are really well off. We live in a 2bed rented flat - nobody has ever cared. What people do care about is how welcome you make them feel when they are over. You will project this 'lesser than' feeling on to your DC. My own DD has said she wishes our house is bigger after visiting her friends & I remind her we are lucky to have a nice, cosy, safe & happy home. Not everyone does. Admittedly she doesnt go to a fee paying school, but I am a HCA & a 3bed semi would be a dream for us. Comparison is the thief of joy! You are both highly educated people & I'm sure have a beautiful home full of love - don't let your idea of someone else's beautiful home make you feel like you're not giving your DC a lovely life.

Why did you ever accept a whole family invite with people you aren't comfortable with? From the start you should have said oh as we're Doctors we are extremely busy but happy to drop off when it suits you?

Playdates usually involve drop offs and quick chats at pick ups. I'd focus on that going forward.

Yes invite their dc but make it clear it's a kid thing only, not for adult participation.

Yet YOU are judging her based off her wealth. The irony. My bestfriend has houses all over the world - on of them is a ‘modest’ £20 million home in America - she is the loveliest person and the least judgey. She’s a mum - who has the same worries about her children as me, and she is down to earth and very generous to a fault. This is a you thing and you’re going to project this onto your child. One of my child’s friend has a beachfront house with two swimming pools - but loves coming over to ours too - children don’t care- they just want company and friendship. It’s you who cares. You are both drs and feel this way - ridiculous.

I'm sure it was a joke.

It’s sad that a Doctor would be so judgemental of someone else for no reason. Just because you have a hangup about your house doesn’t mean anyone else would. You are being really shallow and unfair towards the well of family. Imagine how they would feel if they knew how little you think of them.

I came here to say this, you're doctors, that's hugely impressive. Own it and don't worry about your house. Good luck.

@partytimed I may be missing the point and a bit biased as a fellow NHS'er but what they have in material things will never match your skills, knowledge, time and care given to others in your work.
You should be proud of that and I bet your kids are too.

If the other parents judge you, shame on them. Be proud of what you have cos you've worked bloomin hard to get there. Which I suspect won't be the case for them.

If you really can't get past that, offer to take the friend to the cinema or something to reciprocate.

I live in a flat, on benefits with a disabled child and i’m perfectly happy with what I have.

I think this is the world you put yourselves in when you select a fee paying school. I doubt they will care as much as you do OP. I had a friend who was the ‘poor kid at rich school’ her words. She hated it. But it’s the life you have chosen and it would be mean of you to put your feelings before those of the kids who are enjoying their play dates!

I haven’t read everyone else’s responses but I was in the position of you kid more or less growing up and it was absolutely not a problem for me. I would just invite them over the exact same way you would anyone else. Don’t change things for them, they shouldn’t expect that. Don’t compare yourself to them, that’s the thing that can do the damage for you and your child.

Meet in mutual territory. Play park etc.

I live in a (modest but bigger than lots of others) house in a very mixed area. Some of my children's friends in the more deprived parts clearly feel as you do, and aren't comfortable inviting us back because they think their house is too small or we will look down on them (some have openly said this).

It's upsetting for my kids that they don't get invited back, when they'd love to play in their friends houses. When they do they love it (and come back jealous that their friends get to share bedrooms or bunk beds with their siblings). And it's upsetting for me that people assume I am some kind of judgey cow, and will look down on them / their house.

Invite them over, be proud of what you are and what you've got, and if they obviously look down on you then fuck them you've got more integrity than they have. I would echo what PP said, if they are British and boasting about earnings etc then they're probably not generational wealth and possibly didn't grow up like that, they likley have close relatives with significantly worse off lives than you

I dont think you do have to reciprocate like with like.

But your home is your home, and they can most definitely manage sitting in it for coffee and cake.

If the do talk about you to other super rich parents, they must have very small lives. "I went to ops house it was small' what sort of conversation is that?

You're so wrong for this 😭

When people feel self conscious about money - I think take comfort in values. They have chosen to dedicate themselves to wealth creation, you have used your intelligence and efforts to saving lives - they are just different paths and different value systems. Be loud and proud about the choice you made - you could be a private doctor earning loads, instead you have chosen a path to be one of the most valuable contributors to our community, even if this means less personal wealth - be proud of that. The size of your living room doesn’t matter against the values you hold and commendable life choices you have made.

I agree in theory...in practice though, the op doesn't have to put herself in this uncomfortable situation if she doesn't want to. If you behave in a boastful way then you surely have to accept that some people will be put off by that.

Is how you think they would judge you, how you would judge a family that was poorer than you and in a less nice housing situation?

You enrolled your kid at that school because you want them to have the benefits of being part of this privileged group. The benefits only exist if the status quo is maintained. It’s a bit late to develop class consciousness now.

It wouldn’t really occur to me to feel worried about the opinions of people who work in finance; I value my meaningful work. I also wouldn’t worry about anyone who boasted about their husbands income; it’s easy to brag about money you haven’t earned!

Yet oddly your whole insecurity is money focused?

You are both doctors. If they look down on you then that’s very much a them problem. Reciprocate the play date. If they look down on you, then don’t socialise again. But maybe they won’t and you’re just worrying for nothing? Maybe their kid loves yours and they also enjoyed your company. You’re both clearly very intelligent people who work very hard, helping others day in, day out. Nothing to be ashamed of. You should be proud of who you are and teach your kid to be too. The size of your house really doesn’t matter

My DC were at private school and some of their friends were VERY wealthy
It was never an issue for us or any other parent

An invitation to "lunch" - you'll be fine.

An invite to "luncheon" however... hire the huge AirBnB that a PP suggested