Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

I think you are being silly. Maybe a well off SAHM with no career would feel inferior to a woman who was a doctor. But you shouldn't let these feelings stop you from accepting invitations.

We have had this for years. Dd at state but is best friends with the Dd of an internationally wealthy family their dd at the local public school. Their family are unfailingly kind to her and she has been on some fantastic trips with them. Go with it but instill your own values.

It’s like a different world on here sometimes!

They are kids, they’ll get along fine. Stop overthinking it - big girl pants time!

you really need to not live in the shadow of what you think might be other people’s judgements. Why would they judge you for having a smaller house. I went to school with kids who lived in huge houses in the posh part of town and it never occurred to me that they were looking down on my. Don’t invite the whole family back - why not just invite the child over or take both kids out for the afternoon .
years ago I paid school fees for a young woman and I said in the holiday she could have her friends round to my house (she didn’t have anywhere to live) and she said no way she was far too embarrassed as I lived in a hovel. I did live in a hovel. I was very bemused.

I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school.

Jesus. The school sounds awful.

"Ohhh, Toby went to Bob's house and gosh....you wouldn't believe how SMALL it was. Of course they're just a GP and doctor so they must struggle."

Make the playdate somewhere that money is irrelevant, like a hike in a local country park, or geocaching somewhere a bit wild

If people judge you by your net worth or the size of your house, would you really want them as friends?

You are obviously super successful and clever to be doctors.

I’m sure there are many people in your DC’s school who would recognise this. Those who don’t aren’t worth bothering with.

but I do care if my child isn’t included or reciprocated because their parents feel insecure.

I think this is what it boils down to op: they will mind this more than a lack of bedrooms.

Only read OP's posts.

What a bore talking about their salaries and their fancy house.
Good for them. If I had any hint someone looked down on me for living in a 2 bed terrace I would not be drawn into any sort of friendship and I would gladly tell my kids (in an appropriate way).

I haven't RTFT, but just wanted to speak from the POV of a "richer" parent in this scenario:

My DS had a great friend, "Adam," when he was in primary school. We had Adam over for many playdates; he was a really nice kid and he and DS got on very well.

Never, ever did DS get invited back to Adam's house. (DS was a very inoffensive and well-behaved kid, so it wasn't that. Other parents used to comment on his good manners when they'd had him over for playdates.)

One time we were dropping something off at Adam's house and DS was SO EXCITED just to see the outside of Adam's house and see Adam waving out of the window. It broke my heart so much that I later had a slightly awkward conversation with Adam's (very nice) mum where I mentioned how much DS would love to have a playdate at Adam's house sometime. Later that month they had a playdate there and apparently had an awesome time. There was never another playdate there, though.

No idea whether this was the reason, but Adam's house was weeny compared with ours. DS obviously didn't care (what kid does?) and nor did I. It wasn't till long afterwards that I read a similar thread to this one on Mumsnet that I started thinking that maybe Adam's family did care, and that had been the reason. Bluntly, we just had a lot more income and property than them (they worked in very cool but low-paying arty jobs).

Anyway, whatever the reason, what I really remember from that time is how sad it was for DS never to go to his best friend's house, and how massively happy he was when he finally got to go there. It was incredibly touching how made up he was to finally see Adam's bedroom! and Adam's books! and meet Adam's cat!!

So maybe the parents of your kid's friend are a bit money-orientated or snobby (or maybe not). But I've got to put in a word here for your kid's friend. I'm pretty sure he would love to come to your house and it might mean a lot to him if you invited him.

@partytimed i think you should act on your intuition then and not reciprocate. If DH thinks it’s rude not to, let him organise and host etc.

This happened to me and DD when she was about 3. The family had a v-a-s-t house, so big I almost turned on my heel and left. The kids played in a huge, dedicated playroom that had slides, ballpit. I usually quite unruffled but felt awkward about returning the play date. So didn’t. I guess that’s how society becomes stratified

Your child is friends with their child. You don't have to be their friends. People can only make u feel inferior if u value their opinion. You are both GPs. I would be in awe of u.

Would you judge someone if your child went on a playdate with a friend who lived in a two bed flat? They are probably just pleased their child has made a friend.

I agree with your husband and also, you will be punishing your child by making it harder for them to develop and keep natural friendships by trying to limit their friends to those with the right sort of family according to you.

Most people, rich or poor, just want their kids to have nice friends and manage playdates etc with parents who aren't completely unhinged. If your house is reasonably clean and inviting then you've done what you need to to facilitate a friendship. I'm not sure what you expected when you chose to send your child to private school. Surely you realised that even most middle class people can't afford to do this any more in the UK. If you are this concerned about social status your only real option is to send your child to state school and hire a tutor if needed.

Why will they be judging you? You are both Drs. Do the play date in your own way and be proud of what you do have.

This ^. And , thank you for your service x

One of the choices you made when you sent your child to this school is that these people will be her classmates and peers. Surely you knew that? Part of the job of being a parent, particularly for primary aged children, is to facilitate their friendships.

Be confident in your choices. You chose medicine when I’m sure you could have gone into finance. You chose private school over other options. How would you feel if your daughter made friends with someone whose parents wouldn’t let them play together because they were intimidated by the fact that you’re a doctor?

In state schools, it’s the doctors who are the top trumps! They look down on everyone else and their dc don’t play with dc from social housing! We, as the op suggests, prefer our self imposed strata. In this school, op cannot get to be top dog on the earnings front but has other superior features! They are both doctors! So walk on water.

I'll be honest in a lot of circles I suspect people would be in awe of you and your husband's jobs and general education - it's all relative. When I was at school the friend with the nicest house had doctor parents. Hold your head high, invite them to yours, and if they choose not to come to yours in the future that's on them.

OP you're being silly.

When my DC started at their prep we had a 8 bed home with a cottage and barn. I became ill and we had to radically downsize. I was the big earner but we're both council house kids.
The DH went to grammar school, I to Oxford. We've got quite a few friends who are doctors and our youngest is a trainee clinical psychologist.

I agree with the previous poster, no one expects doctors to be super rich. It's a given that you're super clever!
And let me tell you having worked in finance you don't want that life. You burn out at 50.

My DC have friends from all walks of life now they're grown up. They range from heirs of drinks companies to the school cleaners daughter. And the richest people drive the crappiest cars.

We sent the DCs to private schools and although they were young, told them that some children would be from families who had a lot more money than us, bigger houses cars etc.
we said we couldn’t compete and wouldn’t try.
apart from one playdate at a huge place when dc asked afterwards why we didn’t have “land” , it was ok.

If you don’t really click I’d leave it. Or wait a while then just take the kid somewhere nice. However, if you have your child in a school with v wealthy people this situation will come up again. There is a good argument for getting comfortable with being uncomfortable (ie inviting them over!)

What's the end game here, OP?

We all have our insecurities so I'm not saying you're unreasonable to be perturbed at the thought of reciprocating, but ultimately you have to think of the impact on your child if she becomes known as the kid who's parents won't facilitate friendships for her with any children who come from families who are wealthier than hers. And considering you've chosen to send her to an elite institution, I imagine quite a few of her classmates would fall into this category?

It's generally considered impolite to expect one set of parents to always be the ones hosting the playdates. So there's a risk if you continue down this path that your child will get a reputation for having rude parents or even worse, judgy parents if anyone specifically notices that you welcome playdates only with children from the same socioeconomic background as you. Will this lead to your daughter being known as the 'poor kid' (even though you objectively have a very comfortable quality of life!)? Will it lead to her being one of only a few kids not invited to the super rich kids' houses, parties, etc.? Will other children naturally be bonding with each other more outside of school on playdates, so your child isn't considered a close friend and included in things while in school?

Obviously I'm speculating here and am not saying all the above would definitely happen, but if you purposefully single your child out as different to the other children, I don't think you can be surprised if the children then start doing the same thing. You've chosen to put her in this environment so I don't think it's fair now to limit her friendship options because of your own insecurities.