Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

Really???

My kids went to Private school and had friends whose parents were very wealthy and had massive houses while we lived in a semi. At that time I drove a bashed up RAV 4 and parked up next to Bentleys and Maseratis at pick up time. I didn’t care what anyone else thought.
They wont care either and if they do they aren’t the people you want your kids around anyway. If you show your kids that you are embarrassed about your means then they will be too.

All the kids care about is food etc. And everyone has something they’re paranoid about- we used to be told we were the biggest house on the road when I was a kid and I’d go out of my way explaining it was joined onto another house etc so there’s a chance they feel paranoid too!! Also you’re both doctors!! I’d be thinking oh god they’re all so smart!!! Don’t let it interfere with your children having fun

They probably have their own insecurities. Show your kids that friendship doesn’t have wealth boundaries. Sorry to pull the ‘do it for the kids’ card but that’s what these things are all about aren’t they? You don’t want your kids to stop getting invited to stuff because you didn’t reciprocate.

Good lord. My DD went to a prep school and was friends with some very well off families. We lived with my parents in a normal 4 bed house to pay for it! Many fun times were had both at their big posh places and our not so posh place - not one person ever judged us or raised it. They are still close friends and it taught me a lesson - I was worried initially about moving her to a prep because of the snobby aspect, in reality the state school she had been attending was far more unfriendly. Her years at prep were wonderful.

This - there's a level of privilege being able to spend an entire salary on school fees rather than needing it for housing, clothing, food, bills etc.

If children are judging others by the money the parents have, that's on the parents - that's learned behaviour - and I'd try to give them a wide birth.
Snobbery comes in many forms, and I know some people who are absolute snobs despite not being particularly wealthy - some people just bolster themselves up by looking down on anyone they can find to look down on.

Honestly don’t worry about it. If they’re good people they won’t give a damn and if they do care, well they’re not worth worrying about. We have quite a few seriously wealthy friends and honestly don’t feel remotely bad about having them to stay etc.

YABVU. You must know that you are very financially privileged compared to most of the population (for good reason obviously as you do an important job). How would you feel if a friend of your child's whose parents were cleaners or bus drivers or whatever felt they did not want to reciprocate because they thought you would judge them. You might feel they were making an unfair assumption hey.

If they judge you then they’re arseholes. You’re both hard working doctors in the NHS. Worth far more respect than a big house and a pool imo.

Having said that, you don’t have to do the play date at home - you could take them to a trampoline park or farm or something? Sorry you feel so bad about it.

Yes they notice differences, but I don't think their takeaway judgment is always big house good, small house bad.

Many adults don't think that way either. They see lawns to be mown and extra guttering to clear and cost of heating ...

One of DD's friends is minted, because the mum is someone who became famous, and made a lot of money via work BUT you couldn't meet more down to earth people. They don't care who has what, just that their children have a nice mix of friends. Perhaps tried to look out for those ones at your school, not everyone with money was born into it, and in my experience the ones who've become well off through work rather than inheritance and generally a lot nicer to hang with that the really posh lot.

Our house is smaller than most of my DD’s friends and one of them even has a swimming pool. I’m not embarrassed, I just accept some people have more money than others! However, OP seems to be bothered by it so might have felt more comfortable at a school where they would be seen as the affluent parents.

This is a play date, it is about your kids, not you, and you need to stop making it all about you and putting your feelings above your children’s. So you need to suck it up. I had to do the same and it’s fine.

Most people who are worth anything, will remember how nice you are to them and how much fun they had with you, not how much your house or car cost.

I did put YANBU because I understand the concern but you did choose this. My DH and I are both medical but we wouldn't sacrifice a salary for private school - not because I would feel bad about being the “poorest” people in the posh school (tongue in cheek people!), but because our kids would notice the massive wealth disparity and it’s not “normal”. This is the 1%, it’s a bubble, it’s not real life for almost anyone, and I wouldn’t want them to feel…less than I guess. My family were very poor but I went to a good (not private) school, and I always felt like I didn’t fit it.

Anyway, you’ll be dealing with this a lot. You do not have to do the same reciprocal play date, I’d just invite the kid around or offer to take the kid out. You’ll need to get over this pretty quickly.

Children do notice...they may well be polite enough to not mention it but they do notice it. I went to a private school. We were slap bang in the middle...there were some very wealthy people with amazing homes but equally some who were clearly putting everything they had into their child's education. I went to many houses which were much nicer than mine and also houses which weren't. I absolutely noticed... although I was brought up to never ever mention anything like that.

This is just ridiculous!

I'm confused, I thought all private school parents were struggling strivers working as nurses and lorry drivers who were going to have their lives devasted by VAT? Now you're saying RICH people send their kids to private school???

Joking aside, you're doctors? Then is there not usually a level of respect that comes with that from other people, as you're out there helping people rather than having some Finance job which it could be argued contributes less to society?

My kids go to state school so have friends who live in flats, in social housing, in small houses, in massive houses with pools... we're somewhere in between, normal size house in a 'naice' area. They just get on with it. I have never judged anyone for the size of the home I picked my kids up from, and I hope they'd be the same. Perhaps just arrange for the kid to come over. Children really DO NOT care about this kind of thing

Absolutely this.
Plus it’s not a like-for-like thing, it’s about the children playing together, developing friendships that are based on people & not possessions.
If my DC were young enough I’d be delighted it yours were their friends!
Enjoy this & all the future play dates 💐

Don’t do yourself down! You’re both doctors for heavens sake! They may be wealthier, but you may be more intelligent or kinder or better educated.

It’s not a competition, they wouldn’t have invited you if they didn’t like you or want to get to know you.

Be proud of what you have done, and all you have achieved.

Ugh this really irritates me. We live in one of the “big houses” in our area and I would never dream of looking down on people living in smaller houses. There was definitely a lot of reverse snobbery on their part though and I do think it affected friendships for both me and DD which makes me sad as I was so keen to be friends with them.

I'm trying to nod along with this post because I agree with the general sentiment that is (I think) that the money doesn't matter to the children.

But it is written in such a way that it's all so very heart-breaking for your immaculately-behaved DS with his big house who just wanted to have his own way and see INSIDE as well as outside - no empathy at all for how the parent - or even the other child - might have felt.

I agree that it is as well to let children just get on with it, but honestly, there are more "heart-breaking" tales than a child being happy to see their friend wave out the window. I mean, by your own admission, he was happy about it.

My child was friends with one whose family were old school landed gentry - estates, aristocratic connections, big London house etc. they were charming and polite. The children played together, we parents chatted a pick up time and shared the odd cup of tea, it was fine. It’s not a big deal. There’s always someone richer or poorer than you, don’t be the person who makes it matter to the children

You absolutely need to reciprocate! I would be so much more impressed by DD having a friend with doctor parents than a friend who lived in a mansion by the way. GPs are also very sought after as friends haha.