Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

There are so many more things in life to be giving your thoughts to than this!

If your kids get on then just invite the kids over for a play date (and offer whichever parent drops the child off to stay for a coffee if you’re so inclined). You don’t have to reciprocate the social event- you’re not even friends yet.

I have friends from all sorts of tax brackets- that’s the norm when you work in professional industries. Some of my friends tend to host more because they have a better house for hosting, and we contribute in other ways (bringing dishes, drinks, helping to set up).

But I would never let the fact someone has a bigger house than me stop me from inviting them over- then again, I wouldn’t have friends who judge the size of my house. As long as it’s fairly clean and welcoming, that’s all that matters.

I think you have to be very careful that you do not pass this on to your children. That they are allowed to feel pride around their home, life and family. They will pick up on your insecurity and feel like the junior party all of the time.

I am on the other side of this, and had many a friend apologising for their home etc, and it is mortifying because I really don’t care, I care about people’s character not on the investment portfolio. My children love going to their friend’s homes. Everyone enjoys a Sunday toast made for them with care.

In your place unless you want to have an adult friendship with them, I would probably avoid the family lunches. I have found whole family friendships invaluable, over the years, especially when the dc become teens. It is worth thinking through if you are just resistant because you are comparing. It will certainly open doors for your child to travel with them, ski and have fun experiences. I would invite them early evening with candle light. Give some thought re the children and what would be fun.

Halloween is always a great excuse for a spooky supper. That way you could make it light hearted and possibly even outside as we have done in the past.

This is totally a you thing. You come across as rather judgemental. So what if they have a big house? If you don't really know them, you have no idea of the background to their lifestyle. You are doing the very thing that you assume they are doing.

You also seem a bit ashamed of your own achievements, why is that? Stop comparing what you have to others and work on your self esteem. You know it doesn't matter what other people think of you. Don't saddle your children with your own insecurities.

Halloween is coming up. Ask them would they like to come round for a playdate or maybe you could go pumpkin-picking or trick-or-treating together. Ime wealthier areas are crap for trick-or-treating because the houses are too far apart and not that many people make an effort. Terraces/rows of semi-detached are the best because lots of neighbours seem to get into the spirit.

If there were a genuine emergency, literally life or death, say a serious accident, who would step in and actually be able to help?

Someone who works in finance, or you, a highly trained medical professional?

You are far more valuable to society than the finance people. Stop feeling embarrassed. This is one of those rare situations in life where you can pull the intellect card and use it!

Stop feeling intimidated, you're a doctor, you got skills!

They're just an expensive ornament. Nice to look at, with their expensive cars and big houses. But they're of no actual use to anyone.

I get this! People always compare despite them saying they won't - it's human nature.
However I agree with PP that you underestimate your social capital as doctors.

My advice is that it won't be as bad as you think. Just treat them like any other guest and you'll be fine. They are coming to see your DS not the house!

Just invite them over. If you still don't get along, don't do it again.
You're obviously well off yourselves, sending your DC to an expensive school, of course you will meet very rich people. It doesn't need to be a competition. If you wish to go through life being the rich ones, might I suggest a struggling comp instead.

OP I think you really need to suck this up.

You are on a slippery slope and at the bottom is your child growing up to be ashamed of you!!!!

Do you really want your child to be ashamed of your home and your background in a few years time? If not you need to show them that there's absolutely no issue.

They might feel overwhelmed living in such a big house in terms of cleaning and maintenance. Maybe they’re looking to downsize and seeing your practical more manageable house will give them the final push to do so

You’re being a bit of a dick. There will be mums/parents who visit your house and are deeply intimidated by you both being Drs, or something else. Welcome to the world where you are not the prettiest, richest, cleverest, funniest, sexiest, poshest in the room. Suck it up buttercup, and return the hospitality.

Kids really do not care. I went to a fee paying school whilst living in a small house with a single mother. It is only looking back that I am really aware of the massive chasm between my home (2 bed cottage) and some of my friends (mansion and titles). It didn't matter to me at the time (or now) at all. And if the parents are nice people, it won't matter to them either.

And if they are not nice people, then you won't want to hang out with them again anyway!

The Royal family are rich by general standards. Their children go to schools like Eton where there are children who are utterly, unbelievably rich. The Beckhams have a yacht worth several million. Their DILs parents have a yacht worth a hundred and something million. There's always someone with more money than someone else.

@partytimed
I’ve been in exactly your position.
I invited them round. I did me. It was really hard. But I made it very clear that as a medic in the nhs earnings we’re never going to g to be millions.
But being a medic was the most important thing to me.
For without health what do any of us actually have?
Be proud of who you are and what you believe in.
Life is not about what you own, it’s about the imprints you make to others.

I have 3 kids at independent school and they have friends with houses so much bigger than our 3 bed semi ex-council house, ours is the smallest house of all of their friends. Had a similar concern when eldest was first starting.

I would say invite them over asap - 99% of parents will not care what size your house is (and it's not your problem if they do). I wouldn't want my kids to be embarrassed that we have less money or a small house.

You will find parents and families that you are close with and although our house is smallest my teenage daughter has her friends over and to stay a lot more than most of her friends as we are close to town and happy to give lifts, and let them camp out in the living room.

Is this a serious suggestion? I'm sure they won't care, really OP you need to get a grip. There will always be someone with more money than you and you shouldn't let that affect how you feel. The fact your child is at a private school is a huge accomplishment and you're already ahead (financially) than most. Host your childs friend and don't be so nervous! They won't even be thinking about your finances but more about their child and how you treat them etc.

When I was very little, like 5 or 6, I had a friend at school I was very fond of. We had a couple of playdates, and then the playdates just stopped.

Much later my mum told me that the other little girl's family were clearly uncomfortable that we were more comfortably off. We weren't super rich or anything, but we lived in a 3 bedroom semi and they were in a council flat and so there was a financial gap. Apparently the other mum didn't feel comfortable having me over after seeing our house, and so wouldn't let her daughter invite me over either. It probably seemed to us like our parents didn't really want us to be friends, and that made the friendship drift apart. The other mum apparently changed her attitude and behaviour to us as soon as she picked her child up from our house the first time, suddenly became quite awkward around my parents and gave off a sense of 'this isn't for the likes of us'. My mum said (to me as an adult years later) that she was sad about it but there wasn't anything she could do.

My point is: don't let that happen to your child and her friendship because of something that is probably in your own head.

You don't have to like the parents or think they are your sort of people, and you don't need to have them round or be friends with them, just invite the kid straight from school. Sure they'll see your house at pickup, but so what?

If they invited you for lunch the chances are they were sussing out if they think you can all be friends. if it didn't click then really, from now on, it's polite and friendly. Arragne something more casual to start with to reciprocate but it doesn't have to be the full lujnch.

My sister is the super rich, super hospitable person who could be this other family. Yes, she's been super wealthy for a long time now and does tend to forget how other people live BUT.... I can 100% say with certainty that if you invite her to your three bed terraced house, she will turn up and enjoy hanging out. And that her interest in you would be far more about the kind of person you are and the things you're interested in than how much money you have.

Where you might struggle longer term is, of course, all her social plans are more expensive - her holidays are expensive, her dinners out are expensive etc etc etc, which means dooing those things with her might be challenging. And so her closest friends are all at a similar financial level to her.

But it doesn't sound like this family are going to become your besties so why not just be friendly and pleasant as it is? I'v emet loads of people from her DC's school who are more like what you seem to be - at various bigger parties etc where all the DC's friends and families are invited.

But you’re judging them?

I was the kid in the massive house. I doubt they will judge you. The kid just wants to have fun.

I've been there. If you want to maintain the veneer of peer socio-economic standing, choose a venue away from home and suck up the one-off cost.

It's not about vanity but about limiting the chance that your children will be bullied at school due to having a smaller home. Bullying is even more prevalent at private schools and often isn't handled effectively due to the profit motive and aversion to reputational damage.

Pony up the cash for an activity based playdate.

I was going to say the same!

Just focus on the kids and what they want to do.

Take them to a central Libaty. Enroll them- if you know their address. Get them involved in the community activities- they often have art and crafts for youngsters going on.
seriously. I used to an uhnw nanny and my families couldn’t believe all this was available, were very appreciative and even read the library books to their children at night. - all right that only happens the first night the books are home but it was humbling for me to see how much it meant to them and how much they valued this experience of their children being part of their community.
another thing which they may like are community acting activities, especially if it results in a show at the enc. IIts amazing to see how the children grow and how much the parents value the experience for their children.
Also, picking/ purchasing fruit and veg and you go to your home and make jam/ chutney and children make labels and gift cards for their family.
we really enjoyed things like this and as their nanny I liked helping them to grow within their community

In the kindest possible way - get a grip OP!

You and your DH are out there making a difference to society in jobs that really matter and you're worried about what a shallow-sounding group of parents think about your house?

Focus on what matters - health and happiness. Invite the kids around, make it happy for everyone and enjoy it!

There is a lot that I miss about having young children but socialising with people I didn't really have anything in common with isn't one of them.

My closest 2 friends when my children were very young were both well off financially (one was married to a high earner and the other had a very wealthy father) but they were both very down to earth people who didn't talk about money.

Just invite them over (for the kids sake), see if they do spend a lot of time talking about money and laugh about it afterwards! You may find you have things in common, you never know.

Wouldn't worry op. End of the day you're doing a great job, food on table. Roof over their head. IF and that's IF they talk, who cares? Are they paying your bills? Food on your table? No, you and your husband are. Let them talk IF they do.

You can also take them for out of home activities like cinema, go karts etc. Maybe as this first time.