Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

If you send your children to a fee paying school, surely you must have realised that they'd be mixing with people considerably wealthier than you? Why do you feel anxious? They're rich, that doesn't make them better than you! Invite them over for a lunch or bbq and let the kids play in the garden - or just ask if their little one would like to come over for the afternoon and play. You don't have to socialise with them if you don't want to - the children can still be friends.

We own the smallest, crappiest house in a nice area. I felt a bit like you do but without the trappings of being a doctor, married to a doctor and having money for private education.
Our kids are grown now, but when they were at school and particularly teens, the house was stuffed to the gunwales with kids and joy, and laughter and noise. Ours seemed to be the house that they all gathered, and I positively encouraged it... come round, make your own pizzas for tea... we're doing toasted marshmallows and hot chocolate in the garden, do you want to come... painting the shed on Saturday, everyone can grab a brush, wear old clothes or we have some overalls.

If they are young have some digestive biscuits, chocolate, marshmallows, jellybeans... (and an old shirt to wear over their clothes), make a monster face for Halloween

Do different stuff and kids will always talk about the fun they had, not the house they had it in.

Also - second this! There is always one private school hating post isn’t there!! My DD attends private school and it’s amazing. We are not doctors or solicitors.

We’re not rich and my kids are getting on brilliantly at private school. They don’t seem to be having any issues with friendships/fitting in. I think it very much depends on the type of school you choose.

You’re way way overthinking this. Act normal and act like you would on any other play date.

It is funny, because I feel this way about my child's friends. The mother is also a Dr and works in accident and emergency, and her husband works in finance. They are extremely money oriented but I am fully aware that this will be fuelled by the husbands wage and not his wife's, however it must have rubbed off on her, because I can pick up vibes that they would rather their child not play with mine. Also the mother blanks me at the school gates, and gossips about me to her friends. We are not at a private school, just in a very wealthy catchment council school. Finance seems to attract some awful characters, yanbu to feel this way.

If you think they are money focussed do you think they just invited you round to show you their house? I am 100% sure this happened to us when my DD started school it was very odd. Never did reciprocate. Honestly if you don’t like them or don’t see you being friends with them, then don’t bother, you are thinking too much about this. If you child gets on with theirs offer to take their child out for the day or have them for a play. You really don’t need to have the whole family over.

This is one of the reasons why I wouldn't touch private school with a stick, our family wouldn't fit in because we're not rich.

I went to private school, in those days a Dr could send their kids to private school and pay the bills on just their salary alone. Crazy isn't it how things have gone?

Our family didn't fit in because my parents weren't doctors (or solicitors etc), funnily enough!

They’ll either judge you or they won’t and whether they do or not will entirely depend on them, not you.
Try not to care what others think of you, it’s very freeing.

Also you should both be very proud of your jobs and what you can afford.

Can you just invite the child for a play and tea?

Ah, "new money" and still getting used to it, eh? I wouldn't let that sort of thing bother me. Just invite the child to a playdate after lunch and if the parents insist ton coming too, fine. They can have tea and cake.

Why don't you just be yourselves and marvel at all the good work you do for so many people in the NHS? I wonder if this super rich couple have made their money through philanthropic deeds or are they status signallers. It is very sad that you should feel like this about being eclipsed by someone else's money. Money and status are very shallow social markers and don't make a person better or not. Many people would love to be in your position financially. Why not reciprocate the play date and organise something a bit unique and querky - something arty/to do with nature/something money can't buy. I always find talk of status and money so vulgar. I live in a very rich area of the UK and the rich locals I have met are really stumped up people from industry or the wives of dead rich men who think expensive jewellery, drinks parties etc makes them better than you. Hold your head up high be yourselves, unique and proud of what you do everyday for other people.

I think you need to get a grip. I literally sleep on the sofa because, since leaving my abusive ex and the hike in rental prices, I can’t afford a house with enough bedrooms. I know that children will judge us because ’dd’s mummy sleeps in the living room and their house is super cramped because there isn’t enough room’. Get over yourself.

I went to a school where I was one of the least affluent, my parents were middle class, public sector employees. My parents never addressed the wealth disparity with my peers and I was self conscious and embarrassed by our modest house, small car etc. it got worse as I grew older. I think if you are going to do this, you will have to over time talk to your children about it, boost their confidence and help them to focus on what really matters - intellectual/artistic pursuits, kindness, real friendship, politeness etc. I feel in my case that in the absence of my parents talking to me and addressing the issue, I developed a veneer of confidence but never really felt it meaningfully. Your own situation may be very different but I just wanted to share this.

OP, obviously you know yabu here. If you can’t cope with people having a higher income than you and make decisions that might negatively affect your child because of it, that’s on you. There’s absolutely no point in wasting time trying to work out whether they are judging you or showing off by inviting you all round (seems really unlikely)- you are hugely overthinking everything as a result of your own insecurity. If you can’t cope with your child having richer friends, why on earth did you send her to an independent school?

Maybe think of it this way- you’re all massively rich by both world standards, and you’re also rich by UK standards. What a waste of everyone’s time for you to be silly about how many bedrooms they have compared to you. How nasty you’re being trying to grub around for evidence that they’re actually horrible and therefore you can justify staying in your comfort zone. Time to woman up and stop blaming others for your own insecurities and choices.

They may just want their child to have good friendships. This is about your child's friends, not your social standing or anxiety about it.

You could arrange to pick this child up from their house for the playdate and drop her back. You don't have to have the playdate at your house either, you could do an activity somewhere else if that would make it easier.

As a kid, I remember if I had a good time at my friend's house, I couldn't care less what size it was, I'm not sure I even noticed! I would have remembered if we made pizzas, or they had a trampoline etc, some of the smallest houses were the most fun!

Unless this couple came from inherited wealth, then the likelihood is, they had to start somewhere themselves! They may have started life in a 2 bedroomed house, and as career prospects improved and earned more money, they moved up the housing ladder. Unless you know their background, then you have no idea. Personally, I wouldn't allow this to worry me, invite them over. If they stick their nose in the air, and you feel they're judging you, then you know not to continue playdates in the future. Yes, some wealthy people can be snobby but others are down to earth.

Even if they are snobs, I expect they will still like you because you are both doctors. Like a pp says, you have a lot of social capital from this.

Not reciprocating would be incredibly rude

Own your status OP.

you live in a smaller house to give your child bigger opportunities.

you live differently because you were raised differently.

don’t lie. Don’t pretend.

be honest.

I’m on min wage. My friend is on 100k+ a yr. we’re great friends our kids grew up differently but adore each other. Why? Because I couldn’t give a fuck about her situation vs mine.

if I started to judge I could start with the very simple I’m debt free and more free than she is with half million mortgage. She wishes she could be where I’m at and I wish I could have a bigger place but whatever, that’s normal but also irrelevant because we share a lot of cultural values, good education, manners, not into flashy labels etc etc and that’s what’s important. Not the money you can throw on bricks and mortar.

If you're this obsessed with who has the most money, why send your kids to a private school? You're going to make things difficult for them because of your issues.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

So they are money focused - and you're not? You said they're lovely so maybe that's ok? Can you make it ok? Can you think of things about yourself and your circumstances that you are proud of? You don't want this insecurity to carry over to your kids.

My DCs went to a very small exclusive private primary school due to family connections while we lived in a tiny flat on barely more than minimum wage. Yes, there were parents who were snobby, but we avoided each other. There were plenty of parents with more money but they were nice people and our kids are still friends.

Ironically as my kids got older, they stopped inviting friends to ours very often because they were self conscious about the fact that our house is bigger than their friends/they have lots of stuff (esp tech). There was some nastiness early on in secondary school with one friend from another school (they deliberately and repeatedly trashed/broke xbox accessories) and it really soured things for my kids. My eldest developed a real hang up about her middle class privilege - not helped by social media during lockdown.

I can see that most of their current friends could care less, but it means my DC only bring really really close friends who’ve they’ve known a long time now, ie people they feel safe from judgment about.

Honestly, I’d take a deep breath and let this kid come over to play. What they’ll take away is the warmth of the home and their mate’s parents’ welcome. They’ll remember having a great time and being treated with pizza or whatever. The parents will likely have worried themselves over whether you judge them as being shallow or materialistic in the face of seeing their big home, worried you wouldn’t like them as a consequence. I’d show them that you take all people as you find them [and expect that to be reciprocated] by inviting this kid back with a warm smile.

I grew up as the poorer child at a fee paying school.

Firstly you dont have to reciprocate with the same offer! Even if you had loadsamoney you have different interests and strengths. You can think what else do you like doing and reciprocate with a different offer- including a picnic in the park etc.
Secondly you don't have to do playdates at all! It is fine not to. I had plenty of friends who had me over but we didn't really have as many friends back. Just a busier life for my parents. They will still be friends. The question is do you want the parents as friends and if not focus on the kids. Lots of people don't every host playdates. That's fine. Everyone is different. No one will think is rude as long as you continue to be friendly.

Thirdly hold your head up- you are both really hardworking people trying to do the best for your kids.