Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

They’ll already know. Try not to worry and get ot over with.

It would feel rude not to reciprocate.

But you don't need to feel you must do what they did.

What do the kids like ? Running around in the park or on the beach screaming, playing ball games, animals and nature walks, quieter things like art and reading - what are they like?

Plan something they'd enjoy. Something different they'd remember.

Halloween trick or treating, Bonfire night party?

Honestly I know lots of rich people and they’re just the same. Although talking about his salary is werid. I’d see this as thier insecurity. I wouldn’t stress. Inviting whole family for lunch was nice, but I wouldn’t feel obligated to reciprocate this, just host a normal play date. Or do the lunch but don’t stress about wealth inequalities. Honestly I’ve hung out with very wealthy people (hundreds of millions) and they’re really not that different. Unless they are snobbish pricks in which case cut them off after that.

You say they’re money focussed but reading this it seems to be you who is money focussed.

HUGE PENSIONS

THEY MIGHT EVEN EMPLOY PEOPLE

🤣☠️🤣 Dying

Just invite the child for something out like cinema, ice skating etc. It is not hard to think of ideas of things to do out of the house.

Honestly you need to give your head a wobble - I sincerely hope you don’t chat utter rubbish like this in front of your children. My children go to private school and the parents are a wide variety. There are parents killing themselves to afford it and parents who have grandparents paying the bill, we have a lottery winner (no joke), generational wealth and then people who have really good businesses or jobs as well. You only have to watch all the cars on a morning, there are ridiculously expensive cars and also old bangers and every car in between. My children have been to much bigger houses than ours and also smaller houses than ours and guess what? Nobody cares. You sound like you have judged them for being apparently ‘wealthy’ but don’t want them to judge you for being less so (in your words). Why don’t you just stop letting comparison be the thief of joy and let your children enjoy their friends? One of my closest school Mum’s has a house straight out of Hello magazine with a swimming pool as well, I just think my children are incredibly lucky to get to spend time in these amazing surroundings. By the same token, her children enjoy spending time at my house, despite my lack of swimming pool, because they just want to be with their friends and apparently I make the best pancakes and waffles so…….
You’re a highly educated individual so get that bag of spuds off your shoulder, you’ll feel much better.

I really wouldn’t put any importance on what the parents think, if they are really judging you because of the size of your home www that’s on them. If they are going so far as to comment on your normal house on the playground then that’s reflects poorly on them and certainly not on you. There is more to life than money and a big house and hopefully they understand this otherwise what a sad life they will have! A play date is more about the kids having a nice time together, and honestly when they’re little, they don’t even bother about things like that! I wouldnt worry and id hold my head high!! Xx

I'd only reciprocate if you want to to be honest? Do you like doing play dates with this person? If you reciprocate you're sending the message that you enjoy the playdates and want them to continue.

I mean is it just this family or are most of the children in your class living in mansions?

If you feel like this as an adult, I wonder how your children feel? They will be aware that others have more than them but might not understand why. I would be careful they don't internalise this as them being less worthy.

The plus side of not having as much as others is that it helps you learn very quickly who the decent people are to be friends with. Speaking from personal experience.

Yes, I see what you're saying. It absolutely IS written from the point of view of "this was sad for my son." Because it was. He had feelings too, even if he did live in a "big house" (not something that had even registered with him at that age, but hey.)

The main point of my post wasn't that kids don't care about big house/small house stuff - although that's obviously true. The point was that kids shouldn't be excluded from playdates because their house is bigger. All they know is that they don't get asked to their friend's house, and that makes them sad. DS loved his friend and was keen to visit him and meet the pets that he'd talked about, etc etc.

Of course there are many more "heart-breaking" tales in the world. It would be a nice world if there weren't! Doesn't mean it didn't upset DS. He did ask me whether we were going to go INSIDE the house (great excitement) at the time when we dropped stuff off to his friend, and I had to say no and disappoint him - should probably have mentioned that bit. And it did strike me as really sad, because actually that was such a small ask and it would have meant a lot to him. And I don't think it was an unreasonable expectation, either, after his friend had been to our house so often over several years.

His friend was brilliant and they loved hanging out together. So I don't think that I was failing to take his feelings into account. The parent's feelings? Yes, maybe. I don't know what their feelings were at all. But I did think that it was a bit strange of them to accept so many playdates at our house and never invite DS back. Personally, I wouldn't do that, or at least not without giving a reason why I couldn't. (The reason I mentioned DS's good behaviour was to make it clear that this wasn't a case of some feral kid who didn't get invited because he chewed up carpets and crapped on the dining table - which can be a suspicion when you hear that kids don't get invited on playdates!)

TL:DR: privileged kids can also be upset by social exclusion.

Personally I don’t see what’s wrong with earning good money and having a lovely house. Someone has to pay whopping taxes to keep the NHS going and, if this family run a company, company tax and income tax are needed to pay doctors and their huge pensions. Of course parents won’t all gel but this feels like these parents have been branded as enemies. They might even employ people and give a lot to charities. Not liking people on first meeting is utterly childish when you chose a school knowing you will meet parents better off than you.

OP did you not consider this when you applied for the school? Given that it takes your entire salary, not just a fraction of it, didn't you think that you'd likely be in the bottom end of somewhere like that?

The prestige and contacts of the school were probably part of the benefits for your children, so you can't now be intimidated by that surely??

Your children are likely going to be around many other wealthy people, so I'm afraid you're going to have to get used to it somehow, unless you want them to be friendless.

When my kids went to a state school a lot of my children’s friends reciprocated by inviting them to bowling or a day out instead of a play date at their house, or just never reciprocated. I felt that this was because we live in a massive (falling down) house so they felt embarrassed at their own (we live in a poor area). It was such a shame; my kids just wanted to play at theirs (the kids would ask their mums if mine could come and play; I do think it was an adult issue). Now they’re at private school, which like you, takes every spare penny. Their house is now hugely inferior to their mega rich friends - but honestly? No one cares. Like you, we have public sector, googlable pay so our circumstances can’t come as a surprise…

Damn I felt this… I was one of the ‘poorer ones’ at a private school and it took my parents everything they had and then some to cover the fees.

Do NOT reciprocate. Maybe the parents aren’t judgey, maybe they are, but kids!? Children can be VICIOUS!!! It’ll be all over the school that X lives in a tiny house with no pool etc and not loud mouth gossiping about it like at a state school, it’ll be little whispers and discreet judgement because that’s how private schools operate.

You’re both doctors with busy AF schedules, so to not reciprocate is easy and not rude - if it ever comes up just say it’s so hard to host what with being ‘on call’ as you may have to leave urgently. Do play dates and family days out instead!

Exactly this. By now, people from your DC class will know roughly what your salaries are. We are similar to you but also do private work. My DC friends parents are all in finance too. I did wonder if the wealth disparity would be too much but it’s been fine. I grew up abroad and my parents were in finance so I was one of those kids but my parents always made sure we knew never to judge or show off. There is an interview with Obama where he talks about walking into rooms with big, important people and feeling like you don’t belong but once you speak to these people you realise they’re just normal folk (I’m paraphrasing but you get the gist). We live in a flat in London and DC friends either live in mansions or bigger flats around the school. It’s okay. Try not to get in your own head about it.

It’s all in your head, the worry. They won’t care about your house, at all. All they want is for their kid to be looked after, and have a fun play date!

Just don't respond like for like, the reality is, you don't actually like them. It's not the wealth you mind, it's the ostentatious bragging - how weird to bring up his salary at a casual first lunch together. So, to be polite and for the kids, invite the child/children to something. The reality is, if they'd been a bit more humble/less ostentatious then you wouldn't have minded reciprocating, presumably because that would have made them more likeable and more your kind of people. Some people do brag about salaries, what they've bought, the cost of things - it's annoying and shallow, you're entitled to not want to hang around that, so don't invite them over. Otherwise you'll be starting a friendship with people whose company you don't enjoy.

Rich people need friends too. Or at least to know the families of children that their child is at school with.

surely as a doctors you see people from all backgrounds and you know there is more to life than a giant house (but it might help)

My friends daughter goes to a fee paying school. They are middle class and live well but stretch to make the school fee. Their daughter has made good friends with a girl who lives the life of Riley. I am talking private jets, holidays every term, collecting in sports cars worth more than my house.

Her friends sleeps over and hangs out with them too and it hasnt caused a single issue so far. Some are richer. Some are poorer. Its life!

You're doctors say you are too busy and just have the kiddies on a play date.

Whereas you are responsible for real people’s lives, you’ve got more years of education and you have seen things no one should ever see, let alone deal with.
We joke about doctors having god complexes and sometimes they do come across like that, for good reason though.
Take this (inferiority complex) as a sign you’re not quite secure in yourself, try and get to the bottom of it. I’m with your husband, I wouldn’t (and didn’t) care if they live in mansions and have money coming out of their ears. I’d be more preoccupied with what kind of kids are they raising, and would I want my child to be friends with them.

I would just reciprocate the invitation. If they judge you for being less well off than they are, that's on them, not you.

My daughter is autistic and gets very anxious about hvaing people in our home so I always take children out instead - park/ playground/ cafe etc

btw she LOVES the much smaller homes/flats some of her friends have -

I’ve felt this. My son didn’t go to a few paying school but he did go to a top state school where a lot of his friends had bigger and nicer houses than us and now is at a top 10 university where a lot of his friends did go to fee paying school. His first girlfriend at uni came from a family that had multiple houses and a yacht! We live in a perfectly respectable 3 bed semi in a nice village, but it’s small compared to what all his friends have.
We’ve lived here since we got married 25 years ago and we have now paid off the mortgage, but we’re not diy people and the house is looking a bit shabby.

I’ve come to the conclusion that people either take us as we are or they’re not the kind of people we want to socialise with. Hopefully my son feels the same way and will continue to bring friends and girlfriends home with him.

You are limiting yourself @partytimed by your own preconceptions which are probably entirely false.

Yes some parents will be dicks, they are at every school. These parents could be rich dicks. What probably happened is that they might have been talking about stuff they know, a bit like when the Drs in my family drone talk about the NHS for a huge amount of time.

I went to private school, some of my mates lived in small terraced houses, some had huge houses. One of my friends actually lived in a 'hall' with 'wings' for guests. DC don't care.

Please stop this, as you will pass it on to your DC. You already have a kind of moral high ground as you went down the medical route. A lot of people will find your intellect very intimidating.

Invite them round or just the DC