Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

OP, my DS went to a fee paying school on an assisted place. For much of the time he was there, I was a single parent, and I had absolutely no money - but it never stopped his friends from coming here. His mates used to go on amazing holidays while,we always went to Grandma’s, but it really didn’t make any difference. And as a GP, your DC’s friends’ parents will respect you for that - money certainly isn’t everything. Have them over - but youndin’t need to keep,doing it. Mostly, and especially as they get older, your children will be socialising with their friends, and you’ll see the parents for a fleeting moment when they’re picked up. Honestly, OP, you really have nothing to worry about!

FWIW I had a few classmates who also lived in insane homes. Think mansions with staff & chauffeur etc. But as a child, it genuinely never crossed my mind that they were different or we were inferior in any way. It was really weird, only looking back did I realise how wealthy some of those families must have been! At the time, it was simply "X with the huge house" and we loved parties there because there was more space. Those same kids also happily attended parties at everyone else's normal sized houses and the parents were always very nice and civil. They probably had more lavish social lives outside school but they never gave anyone the impression they were poor or unworthy.

Yes privileged kids can feel things too, I totally agree - and I have privileged children myself, so I am not down on your son.

As I say, I agree with the broader premise of what you are saying, it just kind of set my teeth on edge because there wasn't one word of any thought for the other little boy's position or the impact of it all on him.

Let me start by saying, I feel you OP. I’ve been in a similar position myself.
The key, I think, is being ok with who you are and what you have. Be upfront about it, talk proudly of what you have achieved.
If people around you are fine with it, great; if not, that’s on them.
From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’re in a better situation than most people anyway. Would you judge someone for inviting you to a smaller home than yours?
Honestly, if the community around me placed such heavy emphasis on these kinds of values, I’d be questioning whether it’s the right school.
I would reciprocate, but only if they are nice, kind people. I would look at them twice. If you are sure they are money-focus, bragging twats I would not bother with them.

Wow I think you are being ridiculous and I worry a GP thinks this way .
A have a couple of friends who are millionaires, and I do not mean a million , I mean the kind of people that offer sail boats and houses as gifts on their partners birthdays and buy 7 million holiday houses . They still come to mine for BBQs and normal dinners and they also invites to theirs all the time and also cook for us .

I think I'd want to set an example to my children that you can host the King or a cleaner with the same attitude and graciousness.

We chose state school for our kids and we are probably one of the more comfortable families there as we could afford private if we wished (not in mansion and pool territory though!). We have play dates with lots of people and all I care about is that their kids are kind and nice and play well with mine. We had someone recently say they were embarrassed to invite us back - I was actually relieved when they said it as after a few invites here I just thought they didn’t really like me!! I genuinely would not care what the other house was like!
It is likely something you’ll going to keep coming across - I presume one of the reasons you’re stretching financially to go private is so your children are socially connected to other wealthy families so you’ll have to move past your discomfort and be socially connected to them too.

If anything I think you're the one being judgey...

If husband wants to return the favour, let him organise it. Cook etc.

Rich people need friends too. Don't judge

This. Our SEND child is in an independent school. Some extremely wealthy parents some parents with average homes who get help from family with fees, some kids on bursaries in very modest homes. Never have I in 13 years of being at independent schools heard a single person comment on any other family’s home/jobs/finances and I would be appalled if I did thinking ill of that person not the family subject of the comments. Absolutely no one cares. Let the children be friends and be thankful your child is seeing different families have different circumstances to theirs as this is good experience for life.

I think the fact you and your husband are Doctors beats having money hands down. You literally save lives for a living. I think Doctors are amazing 👏🏻.

I agree, talking like this behind closed doors is horrible for the children the hear. It's basically what triggers reverse classism and the idea that some jobs are more noble or better than others. Or that anyone who has excessive amounts of money must be moral failures or bad people to balance things out. It's exactly the same as making assumptions about someone who is poor or from another race or culture. Before you genuinely know a person or family, there's no point to making assumptions. Obviously a family with money will behave in a certain way that's to be expected within their circumstance. Just like how people from different cultures or religions share similar ways of living. You can't expect someone from X culture to refrain about speaking on something just because you don't happen to have the same values or experience.

We are the poorest in DS's friends group and all the kids love hanging out at ours 🤣😭 People and especially kids aren't as judgy as you think. Good luck!

Don't know if it helps but I'd secretly feel not good enough for you! (much cleverer and more successful than me!). Wouldn't stop me inviting your child round if our kids got on.

My son went to a school where the families had second homes in Cornwall, massive houses, household name parents. The nice kids like coming round to my normal house even though they're adults now.

If you wouldn't look down on other people's lifestyles why should they look down on yours?

Ironically in my experience the uber wealthy aren’t the snobby ones!

Is this you projecting? Do you look down your nose at kids at state schools? Love in terrace houses? Or flats?

I suggest that you mentally judge them for being parasites who leech money off hard-working families, while you smile inwardly and bask in doing incredibly important and valuable work that saves lives.
It’s what I did in that situation 😀.

If they do judge you, do you really want to be friends with people like that?
Why does it matter? You are who you are, they are who they are. There's no changing that. They either accept you as you are, or don't. It's no skin off your back either way, surely? Plus, it might not even happen. You're overthinking it.

How old are your kids?

We are in a very similar situation, the poorest by far (although in the grand scheme of things doing ok enough to be paying the fees so we’re definitely more fortunate than a lot of people). My dd is young and I refuse to let her feel like we’re less than the others because our house or car is smaller. I would reciprocate, who cares if they judge you. Otherwise you’re teaching your child/ren to grow up with a massive chip on the shoulder, when in fact they are among the most well off in society.

There will always be people richer and people poorer than you, but it’s going to be a very long school journey if you are constantly worried about this and holding your child back from making good friends out of fear of being judged.

@ISpyNoPlumPie You obviously have no idea about taxation, economics and the pensions doctors deceive where the state contributes in excess of 25%. Wealthy people pay more tax and might have to fund their own pensions entirely. Anyone with dc at private school will be making some contribution to society. Not all can claim the high moral ground as doctors do. However we should never forget they don’t pay themselves. It’s a two way thing. You probably need to understand nhs funding and the need for a growth economy before you have a go at me. Doctors pensions are gold plated and the best you can get. They are funded 2/3 by the state. That’s the rest of us.

Just say you are having work done on the house so will do a play date at a venue instead. There is nothing worse than being judged on your house and I’d do anything I could to prevent it. The thought of being the token ‘poor person’ for their child to understand gratitude through. Nope.

If you choose to keep your kid to that school you have to go and also invite parents to your place! One of the main reasons I didn’t send my kids to a private school (even though I could secure 50% off the fees from a relative and we also have a fairly good household income, nothing crazy but around £200k+) is that I wanted my kids to relate the other. I was able to keep friendships all along from primary school to uni, and I love have all these people still in my life! I felt that if the kids in that private school which are super rich (mil/bil level) then my kid won’t be able to keep these friendships in the future due to the social gap. So I chose, public school instead.

In all honesty, I’d be judging them on their lack of self awareness. It’s impolite and pretty vulgar to brag about wealth.

Everyone’s circumstances are different and you can’t always tell what goes on
behind closed doors. Having a huge home often comes with a huge mortgage, fancy cars are often on lease, you can be asset rich and cash poor. Money also doesn’t buy happiness.

Concentrate and be proud of on your own fortunate circumstances. You are comfortable & providing your child with a great start in life. Return the play date, let the kids have a good time and if they judge you? It says a lot more about them than you.

I would feel intimidated by you @partytimed . As a sahm with a university degree but nothing complicated, def not medecine, I would feel inferior to you intellectually. But that wouldn't stop me from making an effort for my child.

Why do you think it has to be a mirror invitation? Tell the mum you want to take the girls out for a movie/theater/softplay and restaurant and then you have reciprociated!