Reciprocating a play date with super rich couple - feel uncomfortable

partytimed · 2025-09-30T07:34:18+00:00

Our DC go to a few paying school. We are financially ok but we stretch to pay the fees, my GP salary is spent purely on school fees and my husbands salary pays the mortgage and all other expenses. We chose to do that and are happy with that. However one thing I’ve become aware of if the massive wealth at the school. We are both doctors in the NHS and definitely among the “poorer” parents at the school, most are in finance. This hasn’t bothered me really but our DD was invited to a play date with a friend and the couple lived in a mansion, 7 bedroom, pool etc. I found it intimidating, I told my DH and he thinks I’m being foolish and I know I am, but I can’t help how I feel and that we will be judged for our perfectly nice three bedroom semi detached house. Now we need to reciprocate the play date and I feel anxious about it. The parents are lovely but quite money focussed and I don’t want them to talk about us with other super rich parents at the school. So far we have socialised with others more on our level and even though many have bigger houses they seem down to earth but this couple are next level and I feel awkward about having them over. How can I manage this?

TheaBrandt1 · 03/10/2025 13:49

Can’t imagine how stressful being a doctor must be. If you fuck up the consequences are grave. They are underpaid for what they do.

A family member narrowly escaped death she is convinced her cancer stress related from being a gp

Whoknowshere · 03/10/2025 11:22

partytimed · 30/09/2025 08:40

The reason I think they’re money focussed is because of how they talk about their house and the husband’s salary, they are very proud of it and seem to move in very wealthy circles.

This just shows you how insicure they are.
I think they might actually enjoy liaising with you as it reminds them how richer they are! Check if this is true and shows with the daughter, that is she continues to tell your daughter how wealthier she is, how her house and toys are better etc. if this happens I will stop the friendship. Otherwise, I would just continue the play dates and let them enjoy feeling wealthy, they probably have not much more to be happy about

IfYouNeedMeAskYourFather · 02/10/2025 12:37

daddysgirlnot · 02/10/2025 11:28

I can see how focused on money you are… Drs’ working conditions are horrendous. Their salary has depleted massively in real terms. They don’t earn enough. Chances are you’ll need one one day and I hope you appreciate them when you do.

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I agree with daddysgirlnot, doctors and nurses and medical/science researchers are massively underpaid. They’re the true heroes and sadly until they’re properly needed, a lot of the time their hard work, sacrifices they made to get where they are and to be able to do what they do, goes unnoticed and unappreciated. Personally I’m more impressed with an end of terrace doctor than a banker earning £500k with a 7 bed house, but that’s a topic for another thread! 😅 x

daddysgirlnot · 02/10/2025 12:24

IfYouNeedMeAskYourFather · 02/10/2025 10:02

Hi! I saw this of FB and had to join Mumsnet to comment! I think reciprocating for your daughter would be nice for her to have a friend over so she can show off her room/toys (kids don’t care!!) but as for the parents, talk about you and your husband and being doctors. Honestly I think that’s far more impressive!! You and your husband safe lives (I’m currently going through cancer treatment so in massive awe of all doctors and nurses - thank you!!) I personally feel living humbly is something to be more proud of. Also, there is always someone that has more money or a bigger house, it doesn’t matter. I thought I had a nice big house, until a friend came over and called it ‘cozy’ 😂 everyone has their own perspective! Imagine how much maintenance and cleaning a 7 bed house has. Please don’t fret, be proud of what you have and what you’ve achieved. Remember, sometimes it’s all just talk, not everything is always as shiny as it appears, there could be cracks there they’re trying to cover and pretend all is happy when it might not be. 🤷‍♀️ But even if they are perfect, and happy, who cares, you guys are doctors!!! Far FAR more impressive than anything else in my opinion. ❤️

I agree with you, and I hope your treatment goes well.

DingDongJingle · 02/10/2025 12:24

daddysgirlnot · 02/10/2025 12:22

Your comparison is ridiculous, moreso your lack of empathy. I do think it’s ‘horrendous’ to be understaffed, overstretched, stripped of resources, have your salary reduced in real terms for years on end, whilst at the same time be resented and blamed for things not within your control.

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Well, that’s your opinion.

daddysgirlnot · 02/10/2025 12:22

DingDongJingle · 02/10/2025 12:07

Saying GPs’ working conditions are ‘horrendous’ is pure hyperbole. They’re not working down the mines 🙄

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Your comparison is ridiculous, moreso your lack of empathy. I do think it’s ‘horrendous’ to be understaffed, overstretched, stripped of resources, have your salary reduced in real terms for years on end, whilst at the same time be resented and blamed for things not within your control.

DingDongJingle · 02/10/2025 12:07

daddysgirlnot · 02/10/2025 11:28

I can see how focused on money you are… Drs’ working conditions are horrendous. Their salary has depleted massively in real terms. They don’t earn enough. Chances are you’ll need one one day and I hope you appreciate them when you do.

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Saying GPs’ working conditions are ‘horrendous’ is pure hyperbole. They’re not working down the mines 🙄

daddysgirlnot · 02/10/2025 11:28

OhDear111 · 01/10/2025 19:43

@daddysgirlnot Honestly - could you creep more? Do you know which degree gives the best salary return of all? Yes, it’s medicine. (Source IFS). They rarely have the financial jeopardy of being out of work. Great part time opportunities - try running a growing business part time! All those opportunities abroad and working in private medicine. And the pensions! Gold plated and the best and mostly paid for by the rest of us. Striking is pissing people off after a huge pay rise last summer. And, yes they can afford a private school! These underpaid poor folk! Honestly!

I can see how focused on money you are… Drs’ working conditions are horrendous. Their salary has depleted massively in real terms. They don’t earn enough. Chances are you’ll need one one day and I hope you appreciate them when you do.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 02/10/2025 10:49

Dont be silly, you are limiting your child's friendships. We have plenty of friends who are far healthier than us, we have some who dont have as much as us. We are friends, it does not matter a jot, we dont care, nor do they.

IfYouNeedMeAskYourFather · 02/10/2025 10:02

Hi! I saw this of FB and had to join Mumsnet to comment! I think reciprocating for your daughter would be nice for her to have a friend over so she can show off her room/toys (kids don’t care!!) but as for the parents, talk about you and your husband and being doctors. Honestly I think that’s far more impressive!! You and your husband safe lives (I’m currently going through cancer treatment so in massive awe of all doctors and nurses - thank you!!) I personally feel living humbly is something to be more proud of. Also, there is always someone that has more money or a bigger house, it doesn’t matter. I thought I had a nice big house, until a friend came over and called it ‘cozy’ 😂 everyone has their own perspective! Imagine how much maintenance and cleaning a 7 bed house has. Please don’t fret, be proud of what you have and what you’ve achieved. Remember, sometimes it’s all just talk, not everything is always as shiny as it appears, there could be cracks there they’re trying to cover and pretend all is happy when it might not be. 🤷‍♀️ But even if they are perfect, and happy, who cares, you guys are doctors!!! Far FAR more impressive than anything else in my opinion. ❤️

saraclara · 02/10/2025 07:54

The nearest I've come to this was with my NCT friends. After we had our babies, three of us decided to meet up once a week at each others houses. Which is when I discovered that they both had wonderful homes and lifestyles, while I lived in a small semi and struggled to make it to the end of the month, financially.

It meant nothing. Would I have liked their lifestyles? Absolutely. Was I ashamed of mine? Not at all. And not for a second did I feel judged by them.

DingDongJingle · 02/10/2025 07:50

saraclara · 02/10/2025 07:46

Even after reading your update, I'm entirely bewildered by your post. My kids were state educated, but it never once crossed my mind that private school parents would be nicer. Why would they be?
If anyone had pushed me to express an expectation of what a private school parent would be like, I'd probably have described these people! (But been aware that I was probably being unfair)

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Having had children at both state school and private school, in my experience there are arseholes at both and nice people at both!

saraclara · 02/10/2025 07:46

CurlewKate · 01/10/2025 08:13

I thought one of the reasons people
choose private schools was for nicer parents……

Even after reading your update, I'm entirely bewildered by your post. My kids were state educated, but it never once crossed my mind that private school parents would be nicer. Why would they be?
If anyone had pushed me to express an expectation of what a private school parent would be like, I'd probably have described these people! (But been aware that I was probably being unfair)

DingDongJingle · 02/10/2025 07:44

TheaBrandt1 · 02/10/2025 07:38

A friend whose child started at private school recounted the wealth level of the other families when describing them which was not like her and I’d never heard her or any parent say in general conversations with state school parents over the many years mine were there. It was clearly on her radar and what they talked about. Found it weird tbh.

I guess it depends on the school. I’ve never encountered anything like that at the school mine go to.
ETA and I think that anecdote probably says more about your friend than it does about private school parents in general.

TheaBrandt1 · 02/10/2025 07:38

A friend whose child started at private school recounted the wealth level of the other families when describing them which was not like her and I’d never heard her or any parent say in general conversations with state school parents over the many years mine were there. It was clearly on her radar and what they talked about. Found it weird tbh.

CoffeeCantata · 02/10/2025 07:31

partytimed · 30/09/2025 08:40

The reason I think they’re money focussed is because of how they talk about their house and the husband’s salary, they are very proud of it and seem to move in very wealthy circles.

Ugh! That would put me right off. They sound vulgar, materialistic and shallow.

You’re wise to keep them at arm’s length.

Stampees · 02/10/2025 00:23

My 3 kids are at a fee-paying school and we have a nice house. We both work full-time but I would honestly be in awe of you both, being physicians. 😍 Seriously, it was my dream career but I ended up in business.

Nothing but massive respect and admiration from me.

NorthenAdventure · 02/10/2025 00:20

DingDongJingle · 01/10/2025 20:56

Weirdly, I found the exact opposite. When mine were at state school, the wealthier parents were far more vocal about their wealth. It was like a big fish, small pond thing. We moved ours to an independent school and since then I haven’t encountered any boasting/money talk. People just seem to get on with it.

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Yes, I agree with this. I've not heard anything boasting about wealth whatsoever at my sons' school. People are just very matter of fact about it.

NorthenAdventure · 02/10/2025 00:19

BufferingAgain · 01/10/2025 21:53

But what I find interesting about this thread is lots of people at private schools seem to have inferiority complexes - whether other parents are boasting about their wealth or not. Embarrassed by their own cars etc … It doesn’t sound like OP’s friends have been boasting about - they just happen to be wealthy.

Oh it's easily done. I live in a 5 bed detached house which, objectively, is lovely, but it's one of the (if not the)
smallest/cheapest houses out of of all my kids' friends, and it feels small now. When that's what you're surrounded by, it's easy to lose perspective.

mikulkin · 01/10/2025 22:56

partytimed · 30/09/2025 08:43

it was a whole family invitation with lunch whilst the children played so I feel to properly reciprocate I would need to do the same not just take their kids to the park. I agree not doing it will cause judgment as well I just know it’s going to be really awkward.

OP my ds went to private school. Everyone lived in big houses, we lived in a flat. Believe it or not all his friends always gathered at ours. I hosted numerous sleepovers in our living room as DS bedroom was too small for it and kids loved it. What I do suggest is that you reciprocate with playdate, not lunch with parents. I did that - I invited his friends one by one for play date and mentioned to parents they can stay for some coffee and cakes, then drop off a child and pick them up in a few hours. Less pressure, less time spent on general chit chat and you set your own ways instead of trying to copy them.

sunandfizz · 01/10/2025 22:11

OP, they really won't care what your house is like and how would you know how many bedrooms their house has - did you go around counting them? Just don't worry about anything like this.

LemondrizzleShark · 01/10/2025 22:00

I guess if somebody isn’t used to feeling poor (because they aren’t!), then suddenly being “the poor person” in a social situation is probably quite discomfiting.

DH used to work for a fintech start up which had various multi-millionaire venture capitalists funding it. Without exception these incredibly rich people felt “poor” and hard done by because they were comparing themselves to billionaires with super-yachts and private jets. Comparison is the thief of joy.

BufferingAgain · 01/10/2025 21:53

But what I find interesting about this thread is lots of people at private schools seem to have inferiority complexes - whether other parents are boasting about their wealth or not. Embarrassed by their own cars etc … It doesn’t sound like OP’s friends have been boasting about - they just happen to be wealthy.

DingDongJingle · 01/10/2025 20:56

LemondrizzleShark · 01/10/2025 20:26

Yep I was thinking similar - DS goes to a state school with a high proportion of FSM, but plays rugby and tennis with private school kids (and state school kids as well obviously).

I have only heard boasting about money from the private school dads. It’s a minority of the dads, and never from the mums (who are lovely).

Nobody at state school ever goes anywhere near the subject. Maybe because there is such a wide disparity of incomes at the state school that whatever you say you’ll sound braggy to some people and gauche to others? Whereas maybe private school parents assume everyone is at a similar level so feel free to boast about their bonuses. Or maybe those dads are just twats, who knows.

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Weirdly, I found the exact opposite. When mine were at state school, the wealthier parents were far more vocal about their wealth. It was like a big fish, small pond thing. We moved ours to an independent school and since then I haven’t encountered any boasting/money talk. People just seem to get on with it.

LemondrizzleShark · 01/10/2025 20:26

BufferingAgain · 30/09/2025 19:26

I’m finding some of the comments on this thread fascinating. I wonder if some of the parents who send children to private school are more likely to be concerned with status in the first place and that interest in status can lead them to feel inferior. Our local state primary has people from all walks of life (including City finance) and I don’t feel like people are bothered about house size like this

Yep I was thinking similar - DS goes to a state school with a high proportion of FSM, but plays rugby and tennis with private school kids (and state school kids as well obviously).

I have only heard boasting about money from the private school dads. It’s a minority of the dads, and never from the mums (who are lovely).

Nobody at state school ever goes anywhere near the subject. Maybe because there is such a wide disparity of incomes at the state school that whatever you say you’ll sound braggy to some people and gauche to others? Whereas maybe private school parents assume everyone is at a similar level so feel free to boast about their bonuses. Or maybe those dads are just twats, who knows.