To have a rule in my relationship: if I don’t want to be touched, that’s the end of the conversation?

As others have said, it depends how often. I have days where I’m ‘touched out’ and overwhelmed, usually if the kids are ill/clingy and I’m stressed where I might not want to be touched for a bit but it passes when I calm down. My partner completely respects that but I think it would be a strain on our relationship if it was all the time.
In general I don’t like hugs etc but that doesn’t apply to my partner/kids.

Also, how often is it? For me, if it was an afternoon every few weeks, I could probably see past it. But if it's every other day, I would personally really struggle.

YANBU but I can definitely see how the other person would struggle with it. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where the other person might at any moment, be made uncomfortable by me touching their shoulder, for example. I would feel I was on eggshells.

If my partner regularly told me not to take his arm or squeeze his hand I’d want to talk about what was going on though.

I think if my partner said this to me regularly in response to a handhold or a cuddle, I'd be pretty upset as I'm a tactile person. I do remember feeling a bit 'touched out' when the children were small and had been clambering on me and wanting to be held all day - DH was understanding if I said I was just going to lay down and read my book for a bit, that I needed a bit of time to myself. But I do think if your partner is tactile and expresses his love physically, it could lead to friction and ultimately him deciding that you're just not compatible.

I'm 99.9% with you on this and obviously in every single circumstance where you don't (whatever the reason) want physical contact that should be respected.

However, I do think in an intimate relationship where two people might express affection in different ways or have different needs in order to feel loved and secure I do think there also needs to be space for open and honest conversation around this. Not in a coercive or guilt inducing way, but in a genuine expression of hopes and needs or explaining how one person's boundaries might impact on the other. I think that's also a key part of a healthy relationship dynamic in order to reach a place of mutual understanding and be able to move a relationship forward.

Me as well.

Sexual touching is one thing but if I was shrugged off when I ruffle his hair or give him a hug or touch his arm in passing then I'd be gutted.

Training we dont go around training adult men do we no wonder some women get a bad name.
Sorry i understand that you have audhd but thats not a reason to control or train people.

I wouldn't be happy with that rule. For me introducing a "no discussion" rule for any context wouldn't go down well.

Yeah, this. I get not wanting sexual touching and being able to say no, but to also say no to the cuddle, or hand touch does feel cold, like rejection at a very basic level. I’d be hurt if my partner did that to me and I wouldn’t want to hurt my partner by stopping him from just basic comforting contact. He would be upset.

It’s of course your right to not allow it, but to me this is relationship damaging.

.

" 8 years of training "
I'd have left you

Yabu
The poor bloke

I have AuDHD. Hate being touched at the best of times. DP is learning. Slowly. 8+ years of training. There are times that I do not want to be touched so completely get your drift. My body. My rules.

I don't see the issue but then I'm autistic and can't bear physical contact most of the time and my husband of many years has always been aware of that.
If after 17 years I suddenly sprung it on him I'm sure he'd vacillate between wondering what he'd done wrong and wondering what was wrong with me. So it depends how long you've been together and if it's a new change.

I agree op that NO means NO, but no contact at all for how long.

I had a partner that was like this no hand holding at all indoors or out no hugging or snuggling on the sofa just kept saying i need my space.
It was all on his terms.
We started out as a normal couple and it just crept in.
No hugging in bed i was always told to stay on my side and to respect this.
After a nearly 2 year of it i told him to fuck off one morning id already packed his things, i didnt love him i didnt want him around as thats how he made me feel.
He tried to make up for it said he would make an effort, but i told him there was nothing between us he done this i felt nothing for him and he wondered why.

Im not saying this is what will happen but i know how it feels to be pushed away even just sitting to close was to much for him.

This sounds too much like hard work for you both. “ soothe him for possessing a boundary” I’d pick a cuddle every time

You have a right to any boundary that you want to set, but you do need to let everyone know in advance, because this is outside the realm of normal human interaction.

Sounds like you are just not compatible.

So, he has to stand back in case his hand accidentally touches yours when reaching for the same thing, retreat from the doorway so you can get in first without coming into contact with his side, perch on the far side of the bed in case he (or you) moves during sleep?

There's only one relationship where I experienced that - my mother - and the penalty for transgression was some actual physical contact; her fist, my head.

Does your partner like to touch you constantly? How do they know when they can? Genuine question.

I'm not a tactile person, but DP is more so. He doesn't paw at me, thank goodness.

You shouldn't have to explain every time and he should always listen to and respect a 'no'.

But if you're regularly saying no to even slightly physical contact like a handhold or a shoulder squeeze then I think he's ok to ask about that and it's probably essential for your relationship to discuss both of your feelings about this. It may be something to discuss with a counsellor or within couples therapy.

Op - I’m not a tactile person at all so I’m completely with you. I don’t want to be touched all the time and no one should have to justify that.

Im always clear about that when I meet someone so anyone not being comfortable with that wouldn’t be for me.