Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

This isn’t hard at all - your MIL has been very unreasonable.

You, DH, DC and your DPs stay at home and do Christmas together. DH can visit his family with the DC on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, or even Christmas night for a couple of hours while you stay at home and drink Baileys.

Your MIL sounds controlling. Once DC are adults you don’t have to all spend Christmas Day together. Your DM has had chemo, she comes first. Stay at home.

Then she should also know that the standard advice for someone undergoing chemotherapy is to be extremely careful. Attending a large gathering like this is risky while your immune system is severely compromised by the treatment and falling ill can delay ongoing treatment.

OP was proposing a smaller gathering at her own home with immediate family and from what she’s said, l suspect left to her own devices would not have invited PiL and siblings - which is understandable given the circumstances. At home there where would be more control and likely a private space for her mum to retreat to when needed. MiL seems to have ridden roughshod over OP’s plans and is prioritising what she wants without considering the bigger picture, and seemingly will be difficult if things don’t go her way.

OP if this is the case, you need to stop trying to please everyone and do what’s best for your mum. Get DH on board and both have a quiet chat with MiL and tell her firmly that it’s inappropriate to expect your mum to cope with a large gathering in unfamiliar surroundings, where her already fragile health could be further compromised. If MiL wants to host wider family that’s up to her, but l’d be making it clear that for this year, your mum is the priority and you will be hosting her at home. DH could maybe join them later in the day for a while. It’s one Christmas and l think your mum is the priority.

What an unnecessarily nasty post. Also you've clearly misread/misunderstood the OP's post.

MIL's dc ARE all invited. It was MIL's sister, husband kids etc for that extended family that wasn't because they understandably want a low key Christmas and don't have the space. MIL hasn't accepted this and has now invited all round to hers. She didn't have to do this. If it was so important MIL that all her dc were together she simply could have accepted the OP's invitation, but SHE has chosen not to. How does that make OP unreasonable?

@Christmasoutlaw, it's one day - until age 43 I'd had every Christmas with my parents and then my daughter was born v prematurely meaning Christmas was spent at the hospital. Yes I missed my family, but as I said it's one day that passes quickly. We had fun catching up at a later date.

Your family is going through a lot. Have the day that YOU want. Your husband can catch up with family later in the evening, or the following day. This situation has been created by MIL so I wouldn't feel guilty.

This is one of those frustrating situations where a person isn't unreasonable in their desires, or in their plans, but is highly unreasonable in how they went about it.

There isn't anything wrong with the MIL wanting to spend Christmas with her family... or with suggesting that a bigger house where everyone can be together is a good idea.

But that all should have been done in the initial conversations. When you first invited her, she should have checked with her sister and with you, and then during that initial planning time she could have "offered" the alternate bigger venue.

That would have been completely reasonable, and you would have been completely reasonable to either accept or continue with your plan.

The way she has actually done it though? Is awfully inconsiderate and controlling.

The "frustrating" part for me, is I doubt she will understand that. I've known people like this, and they tend to focus in on the "reasonable" parts, and gloss over what they did wrong. I guarantee in an argument she will just keep going to "Well, It isn't wrong to want to be with my sister?" and "Well my house is bigger and can solve the problem" - both of which are fine... but neither excuses the behavior.

As OP has pointed out, this isn’t the situation. But if it was, so what? Many people alternate years with families and most probably rarely if ever get to have all their DC if they have more than one together. One covers the others off year etc. No way would that take priority over OP seeing her mum.

That is appalling behaviour from your MIL and you absolutely cannot give in and go there. Emotional blackmail is not a reason to go! You must stick to your guns on this, it really isn’t appropriate for your DM to go there or for you to cancel on your DM just because of MIL’s tantrum.

MIL was offered chance to have you host including her other children. She didn’t even do you the courtesy of letting you know privately about not coming or any change of plan. She thinks she can ride roughshod over you even at this difficult time. Absolutely.no.way. Nothing would make me cave on this.

Simply say hopefully see you some time after or before Christmas. If they question it say as you know that won’t work for us. If your DH doesn’t get on board with this he needs help.

@Christmasoutlaw

No, sorry, I don’t think I explained it well in the OP. DH’s siblings were invited to ours along with PIL. MIL wanted to invite her sister and family i.e DH’s aunt and cousins as well.

Your OP was perfectly clear

It's totally comparable. An invite went out and was accepted (presumably by all parties). Several days later MIL, without any consultation, unilaterally cancels the host's invite and announces she's now hosting. That IS exceptionally rude.

If MIL was unhappy there should have been a lot of discussion with everyone but especially OP and DH and she should have been diplomatic and sensitive. Frankly, in MIL's position and under the circumstances, I would have let it slide this year.

I think the mistake was inviting the MIL in the first place. You can see MIL and wider family after Christmas, prioritise your mum. I doubt she’d want to make polite chit chat with your MIL anyway.

MIL's other DC have been invited. It's MIL's sister and her sister's adult children that haven't been. OP doesn't have room for 5 additional guests and her mum's immune system will be compromised due to the chemo so more guests increases the risk of her catching something.

Having accepted OP's invitation, MIL has announced that she is unilaterally completely changing the previously agreed Christmas plans. MIL sounds rude and overbearing and without any thought or concern for OP's immunity-suppressed mum.

You explained it perfectly. Ignore stupid inflammatory comments.

Your MIL accepted your kind offer of asking her for Christmas. She then changed her mind and declined your offer,
imperiously and without discussion announcing it would be now held at hers. This was incredibly rude and inconsiderate.

Do what YOU want to do, have a lovely Christmas at yours with your Mum and don’t give it further thought. I hope DH’s
siblings come to you too.

Honestly, I’d thank her profusely for being so very understanding about you and your kids staying at yours to be with your sick mother. Just act as though you assume that is her plan.

No, you have it the wrong way around.

You must not force your sick mother to have a shit Christmas. Do not do this. Your mum comes to yours as planned and agreed, you have a nice relaxing day. Dh can flounce off at some point if he must. MIL can and must be totally ignored, do not feed into her nonsense, just grey rock any attempts at drama. Sorted.

See i have wondered if thats what Mil was trying to do. Host the rest of the family giving Op time to focus on a quieter Christmas for her mum.

It could be interpreted that way even if it was a bit clumsy. She is possibly fully expecting Op to reply "Sorry we are hosting my parents"

WTH??? How is she being unreasonable?

MIL is free to decline and organize her separate event but the she went about it while undermining OP is ridiculous and mean. Did we read the same post or are you MIL in disguise?

YANBU
Terrible MiL behaviour. Accepts an invite and then not only changes her mind but changes the plan without consulting you and assumes you will do what she suggests. Which is clearly out of the question.

You know if it’s some sort of slight at you. If so play dumb and carry on with your Christmas arrangements. She couldn’t possibly have meant that you couldn’t have your Christmas anymore, she must be gracefully backing out so her sister has somewhere to go.. and she included you in her messages to keep you in the loop… right? 😉

YANBU - cross on your behalf! Why on earth would your MIL think that your mum would manage to travel and be part of a party of 10+ whilst undergoing chemo?! She's very selfish.

Well, of course you must spend it with your mum and dad at home. Your mum is having chemo, there's no discussion, she comes first. DH can go and see his parents on Christmas Eve, or boxing Day, or later on Christmas Day if he really must.

Don't allow your sick mother to be caused any suffering or extra struggle. It doesn't matter at all what MIL wants or says on the matter, look up grey rocking.

I wonder if MIL is actually trying to do Op a favour by hosting the rest of DHs family and leave Op to have a quietish Christmas with her mum.
Even if she's written it a bit weird and it can be hard to convey what people really mean when they write stuff rather than speak. Tone gets lost.

Intended or not shes done Op a favour

I’d have hated going to someone else’s family at Christmas when I was having chemo. You just want to be comfortable and happy with your nearest and dearest.

I’d be asking DH to make an exception this year especially as it was the original plan.

MIL sounds like she loves the drama.

Do what YOU want to do and tell DH to do as he chooses, not your fault it’s ended up like this.

The issue is MIL assuming that she could change Ops plans without consulting Op and DH.
Or giving a thought to Ops family.

I think Op just needs to reply, "Sorry that doesn't work for us, we will catch up with you after Christmas"

Then just focus on your own day making it as chilled out and special as possible.

So MIL accepted your invite but has now gone and bumped you to do her own thing?

Yet she would give DH a hard time if he didn’t follow her plans?

sounds like a right cow wouldn’t be spending Xmas with