Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

Dear MIL sorry you have changed your plans, we will still be having Christmas here as planned due to Mums treatment. Happy to host those who have already accepted invites still. We hope we will see you at some point over Christmas.

And post discussion over siblings can decide what to do. Your mum to be fair would be better with smaller crowds, if Dh complains ask what he would do if it was his mum

I'm having Christmas Day alone. Husband died 5 years ago, no kids and extended family are all scattered.

What is this obsession people have with wanting all the close family together in one tight space? I'll be fine and cope very well.

Yanbu. You invited DH's family so they didn't feel "left out" and they have chosen to do something different. That's ok. They don't have to accept.

You still have your Christmas at your home with your mum. DH's parents can be at their home and are free to do so. DH's siblings and their families have 2 invitations, one of which they have already accepted. DH should message them to confirm that Christmas at yours is still going ahead as planned and please confirm whether their acceptance still stands so that you can book your food orders appropriately. DH can go to his parents on Boxing Day if he wants to - Christmas is a 12 day festival so there'll be plenty of time to celebrate with family members who aren't together on the Christmas day itself.

My df is sick too so I am inviting dparents here for Christmas, mil always spends the day here and is never a bother. You simply don't have the room to host more people just enjoy the day with your parents and I hope your dm health improves. You offered to host they declined . Dh will just have to see the rest of the family another day I'm sure no one will mind given the circumstances

How can people be bothered with this shite really?

Just have your Christmas, hope everybody is in good health and have a bit of extra food. End of.

Exactly this. It’s one Christmas and mum is the priority. It does seem, however unintentionally, that MiL hasn’t given a thought to OP’s mum in her rush to have what seems like the whole family present on the day.

totally agree with this.

It’s fine as long as MiL understands that for all the reasons mentioned upthread, it’s not reasonable to expect someone undergoing chemotherapy to want to attend a big family gathering in unfamiliar surroundings, instead of the quiet close family Christmas they had ben offered at their DDs home, where they can relax and not worry about feeling ill, tired or experiencing treatment side effects, and can rest as needed. Not to mention being very unwise to be in a big gathering while the immune system is so severely compromised, given that the slightest infection can be serious and can delay treatment.

OP invited DH’s parents and his siblings for Christmas, so he would have seen them if MiL had not rearranged the whole thing as a wider family gathering which she is now hosting.

Of course it's not comparable for the reasons explained.

An invite went out and was accepted (presumably by all parties). Several days later...

Come on. So...
someone suggests a plan for Christmas in september. you initially respond favourably. Then a few days later - and after further clarification on which family will be included in the plan for Christmas - you propose a different plan (this is still in September and 3 months before Christmas) this is wildly unreasonable and akin to reneging on locked in plans or retrospectively organising a dinner party on the same day as someone's pre-announced dinner party? This is not a reasonable position to maintain.

Your mum has cancer. No one else's feelings and ego should matter. If people can't make allowances and be understanding when your mum and family are going through this then they aren't very nice people. Your husband needs to explain to his parents that his mil needs her family around her but also peace and quiet.

The point you seem to be missing is that OP’s mum is currently undergoing chemotherapy which not only has some nasty and sometimes embarrassing side effects, but can severely compromise the immune system. OP clearly recognises that her mum shouldn’t be in large gatherings, and from the wording on her original post, she only invited PIL and DH siblings so they wouldn’t feel left out - l get the feeling that this was to appease a difficult MiL.

I had cancer treatment earlier this year, and about the last thing l would have wanted to do was be in unfamiliar surroundings with lots of people l didn’t know well, and spend the day anxious as to what side effects may appear - not to mention potentially feeling unwell and not having my own private space to rest when l needed to.

This ......
Your husband can't complain if he wasn't going to see them anyway!! So if his parents decide they're not coming to yours that's on them. Clearly not bothered if they see you and your husband or not. Stay home with kids and your parents.

Your mother undergoing chemotherapy needs to be very careful who she mixes with especially with all the flu and covid going around in cold weather. I think your MIL is being totally unreasonable. When I went for bereavement counselling ages ago, I was told to just keep repeating in a short sentence what I did not have capacity for i.e. My mum is my priority this Christmas and I do not have capacity for lots of people this Christmas. Please arrange your own Christmas and we'll see you Boxing Day/New Year's Day. Please put your mum first.

Your MIL has made a unilateral decision that could make your mum sick. I'd be furious.

Tell her, not tip toe around her, but TELL her that your mum is not travelling any further and that it will be too much for her and too many people for her immune system to be around.

Your mum is having life saving treatment and everyone is worrying about upsetting MIL. I'm furious on your behalf.

On the group, assuming it doesn't contain the extra aunt etc:

"Hi all. We are carrying on with the original plan of Christmas day here. <Siblings>, could you let us know if you will still be joining us before we order the turkey?! Lots of love"

Even better if it's your DH who sends it.

Then just let it play out and don't stress op, it sounds like you have a lovely day planned regardless.

I’d love it if I got out of hosting. Sounds like she wants everyone all together and her intention seems to be good to also be including your mum. Maybe I’m missing something? If your Mum is wanting a quiet day with you maybe ask MIL to cook later and you have the morning and lunch with your mum before heading over to their house. Hope your mum does ok.x

I'm amazed at how many people try to combine everyone they know on Christmas day all the time. Unless you literally only get one day off for Christmas and no weekends on December and January, why not spread out seeing people?

Dh and I haven't had many Christmas days with our siblings since we all had kids and partners and in laws. And we haven't spent every Christmas with our parents since we moved in together. We still see all those people to celebrate Christmas every year, just not all together on Christmas Day. And that's not new to our generation. I don't remember ever seeing my uncle and aunt our cousins on Christmas day growing up, but always looked forward to our Christmas get together. Much nicer to have multiple events to look forward to than one really hectic squashed day with people who wouldn't usually mix i think.

I think ops mum takes priority this year. Stick with your plan to have your parents to you this year. Decline mil invitation and arrange to see them a different day so that dh still gets the with his siblings.

That's a good point.

I'd be sticking to staying home.

Give her a chance, it’s only been 12 hours since she posted and most of that’s been overnight - she’s already replied once on page 4.

She created the thread just before 7pm last night, and has already come back with one reply. It’s not even been 12 hours. People do have lives you know.

Yet another poster who thinks that threads are created purely to entertain and amuse others…

Your mum shouldn't be around loads of people when she's having chemo as she's at a higher risk of infection.....just carry on with your plans and keep repeating the above to mil if she whines about it.

Yet another thread where the OP doesn't come back and engage with the folk who have bothered to write a reply.

I think I’d stand my ground and not see them. It was rude of mil to change plans like that. Maybe see them Boxing Day.

id also be annoyed if siblings dropped your invite for mils that is also rude.

Would DHs siblings not stick with the invitation they already accepted?

Tell her no we will not be attending as seeing your parents takes precedence this year.

I'd host DHs siblings some other time over Christmas and sack MIL off this year.