Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

What am I missing? It seems perfectly reasonable from MIL to me. She wants Christmas with her family, so she's organised that. It's up to you and DH if you join her (which neither of you should imo).

I have adult DC, they're all free to do as the please for Christmas, but if one had plans that didn't include the others, I'd do something that did.

This.
it was a big shock and quite difficult for me to adapt to Christmas and new year changes as kids got older. You get stuck in family “traditions”, whereas in truth they are habits you adopted when kids were little
Covid and a divorce through Xmas and new year traditions in the bin. I didn’t have both kids (adults) togther with me at Xmas from 2019 to last year. Separately yes, but not at same time. I’ve had a Xmas on my own, and will do agian this year.

but I’ve now embraced this. We are developing some new traditions. I have December birthday so both DC will always come for that (they do live 150 and 200 plus miles away) and we’ll do Xmas then together. We shunt our big family meet up around form new year itself to a day most of us can make, and if a few can’t make it we do a team video call and charades part way through the evening.

sadly no one , not even the MIL here, can freeze a Xmas in the same way as it was when her dc were little. Priorities change as kids grow older. It’s sad at first, but then you accept and embrace the new.

If this is real (and I'm a bit dubious) then I'd crack on with Christmas Day just for you and your parents. If you're happy with it, your DH could go and see his family before Christmas dinner or later in the day. He could take the children to see his family on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if he wants to see them. Stick to your guns about spending time with your Mum and treat yourself to an easier M&S Christmas Day where you can focus on being together and supporting her through her illness. How awful that your MIL cant see how important that is.

Did you miss the part about OP's mum having chemo?

Why do the entitled MIL's feelings trump everyone else's in your eyes?

OP's DH is an adult who should be prioritising his wife and DC over his mother and her interference.

I’d stick to your plan I think - chemo can be brutal and getting a cold or other winter bug wouldn't be great for your mum.
The trouble with Christmas is that people drag themselves off their sick bed because “it’s Christmas” merrily infecting everyone else with their germs!
Ask your mum what she would like of course, but I think the less of a crowd this year the better.

@Rosscameasdoody it’s only drama if her and her husband engage with it. She also implies her husband has an issue with not seeing his siblings (sure he can cope). This barely warrants a shrug to be honest.

To be honest christmas at yours with your parents .might be better for your mum. Minimise infection risk.

Nope. Not implying that or anything else, at all. I was simply correcting another poster who was under the impression that OP had not invited DHs siblings when she actually had, because it was relevant to their post.

The problem arose when MiL wanted to invite her sisters’ family comprised of five people and there was no room at OP’s to accommodate them. I don’t think MiL is unreasonable at all for wanting to host a bigger gathering.

Where l do think she’s unreasonable is in taking over the whole thing without any prior notice, or even discussion with OP, and simply announcing it via WhatsApp. That’s rude. And she clearly hasn’t given a thought to the fact that OP’s mum is seriously unwell and undergoing extremely unpleasant treatment, and may just want the quiet Christmas she was offered.

As long as there are no tantrums if/when OP says they won’t be attending the gathering there’s no problem, but OP has indicated that’s not the case. Which is unreasonable.

OP I would politely decline the invitation to have Christmas at her house and explain that you’ll be sticking to your original plans. You can arrange to see them on a different day over the holidays, your DH can still go and visit his parents if he wishes to.

I haven’t read all of the replies, but I think you’ve made it clear that you’re having Christmas at home this year by inviting them to yours along with your side of the family. I would personally see this as they originally accepted and then changed their minds and have now unaccepted the invitation to be at yours. I would just be saying “we’re sticking to our original plans” and then your DH is obviously welcome to spend time at your ILS if he wishes. If you’ve invited your DH’s parents and siblings, then you’ve already offered a lot and it was pretty rude of them to invite more people. The only time I’ve ever asked to bring another person along at Christmas was when we had plans to go to DM and MIL was going to be alone on Christmas. To invite a whole family along is cheeky on my opinion.

So DH must see his siblings on Christmas Day but MIL is unreasonable for wanting to be with hers? DH needs to prioritise OP and his MIL this Christmas.

Absolutely agree. It sounds as though MiL hasn’t really taken in the situation. If OP’s mum is still undergoing treatment at Christmas it would be unwise to attend a large gathering anyway.

Spot on.

@CatherinedeBourgh are you the MIL? The OP’s mum has cancer. Of course she wants to put her mum first and spend time with her.

@Owly11 it is the MIL that is making a drama out of it and is the one being unreasonable, not the OP.

I don’t think the drama is caused by OP. I think her problem lies in the repercussions for everyone if MiL doesn’t get her way.

It would be unwise to give in to her tantrum.
Your mum matters too. Don't change your plans. Have Christmas with your mum. Your mil was invited. She chose to do something else so you continue your plans without her.

Given that OP is trying to do her best for her mum who has cancer, it’s a bit callous to call it shite is it not ? The good health comment is a bit crass too given the circumstances.

Your dm trumps his and you are in no way unreasonable my dear

DH's siblings were invited.

OP couldn't fit in aunt/uncle/cousins as well

Jesus what a lot of drama over 1 day. I’m sure your husband can cope with having a day without his siblings and can withstand any emotional blackmail by saying you’re doing what is best for your mum who is going through chemo. It’s really not a big deal.

Ah.. misread it, sorry. I read it as DHs sister and family, not MIL sister. Even so, if OP mother has been ill it wouldn't hurt to just have the day at home for once, and could organise seeing the others another time.

DH’s siblings were in fact invited by OP.

MIL sounds like the type to find something to get annoyed about anyway, so I wouldn't let that sway your decision too much! I can understand why she wants to host, so she doesn't exclude her daughter and her family, but it was rude of her not to speak to you to decline your invite and just announce what she's doing in a group chat.

In this instance, of course you should prioritise your own parents this year. If MIL kicks off given the situation, then she'll look like an insensitive cow to anyone with half a brain cell. Presumably, you could arrange something with DH's side of the family either before of after Christmas Day, so noone misses out on seeing anyone.

Yes, I think it’s fine. Maybe not so much the big announcement in September on Facebook but deciding to host her own Christmas is OK. Your husband has you and his own children to hang around with.

Just have what you want in your house and enjoy it. Let your MIL have whatever she wants.

Don’t be drawn into any of this. Good luck. I hope this is the first Christmas of many you really enjoy.

MIL didn't propose a different plan though did she? She just took it on herself to cancel OP's invitation and then informed everyone with no discussion. Yes wildly unreasonable. Whether Christmas dinner invites or any other form of invitation is irrelevant - there was an invitation which she rudely changed. Like I said previously, she should have sensitively discussed this with OP and everyone should have been included and not unilaterally inform everyone that it's a done deal. And personally,under these difficult circumstances, I'd be flexible with my DIL. The way it was done was pretty shitty.