Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

DH’s siblings were invited to OP’s for Christmas dinner along with PiL.

This. As you say, it’s not the fact that she’s now hosting, it’s the way it’s been done. No prior discussion - and considering OP’s mum is ill and going through difficult treatment, no consideration that OP is probably not in a position to attend a big family gathering because her mum may not be be up to it. Incredibly rude and a little indication of the nature of the person.

It’s not the journey, it’s the fact that OP’s mother has cancer and is having chemo. If she’s still in treatment at Christmas she will be at risk at a large family gathering because her immune system will be severely compromised. I think for one Christmas OP is entitled to put her mum first and do whatever she wants and feels she can cope with.

Christmas or not its rude to accept a dinner invitation, and then cancel and reinvite many of the same guests to your own dinner. It puts both the OP’s DH and sibling in an awkward position )particularly if they are put under any pressure to attend the second invitation)

She didn’t even have the grace to call the Op and discuss it in advance!

It should have been handled with much more communication and grace.

OP says he would miss hanging out with them on Christmas Day but I got the impression that the issue was more that there would be fallout from MiL if he didn’t attend. I agree they shouldn’t engage with the drama, but sometimes that’s not so easy and if OP is dealing with her mums’ illness I would have expected MiL to be a bit more empathetic. Changing your plans is fine, but there’s a way to do it. And accepting an invitation then announcing on WhatsApp that you’ve unilaterally changed the plans is just rude, and indicative of someone who expects everyone else to dance to her tune.

OP gave MiL an invitation which she accepted, alongside DH’s siblings, who were also invited. Far from thinking she was intruding MiL then wanted to extend the invitation to five other family members, which OP couldn’t accommodate. Instead of discussing alternatives with OP, and without even declining the invitation she announced on WhatsApp that she was now hosting everyone instead. Not a single thought to the fact that OP’s mum is being treated for cancer and it may not be convenient or even appropriate. I don’t think actually rearranging it was unreasonable, but the way it was done, was rude and dismissive.

I think it is not unreasonable for MIL to want to see her sister's family at Christmas? She might even feel that she is intruding on an occasion that has been arranged with your side of the family. Ultimately DH's siblings can decide whether they want to spend the day with their mum or with you. Surely you can see MIL and DH's siblings on a day other than Christmas Day, or maybe they or you can pop over and see each other on Christmas Day itself? I think YABU sorry. As mumsnet likes to say, you gave MIL an invitation not a summons.

@Bitolderandwiserapologies - read your post at speed and didn’t clock you agree that Mum should get prioritised. I’m an idiot.

Well if it’s not a big deal it won’t matter if the Op priorities her Mum.

Your MIL is rude and being unreasonable. You are not obliged to be part of her drama. You were more than reasonable to invite DHs family to your house alongside your DM who might not be up to a big socialising occasion. Ignore your MIL and enjoy your Christmas with your parents. Your DH should be supporting you. Can't he see his parents and siblings on boxing day?

Why do people make such a fuss about Christmas day. mine and my family's situations (ie not living in same areas, their partners situations etc ) make it impossible to be all together on the day,. I don't mind who I spend it with as long as I'm not alone and there are other days over the festive period when we can be together.
As many posters have said the original poster should stick to her plans for her mum's sake, there are other days around Christmas when they can be with oither family members

I would give anything to have another Christmas with my mum. She was going through chemo the Christmas before she died and we have a big family so we were all there. She loved it for a while but it got a bit much for her and she got very tired. I definitely think you should spend it with your mum love. Let DH go to hers if he wants. He can do Xmas morning with you at home then pop off to mum's for lunch.

Yes to be honest this is the best solution I think, DH could take the kids for a few hours even? It's a long old day and I don't think it's the end of the world if he goes to see his parents for a few hours in the evening and you just chill with your parents?
Also he wasn't going to see his siblings anyway if having christmas at yours?

In this case, you need to prioritise the time with your mum. Other years, there may be different priorities. Can your DH talk to his siblings and explain a bit? It is the season of Christmas, so can you do other days with his side of the family? I always enjoy Boxing Day etc more than The Day Itself as it is so pressurised.
Not relevant, but I give invites to my family, my DP's family, stray friends, and whoever wants to come, can. I do this safely in the knowledge that they won't all accept, and that I can fit about 10 people (squished but happy) around the table (no room for fancy table decs, or indeed anything except our own plates - who cares?). I smugly get my own way of spending the day at home (important when the kids were littler, less so now). However, dynamics change all the time, so I am open to change too.
I hate Christmas.

Agreed.

Your Mum is poorly and you planned a Christmas she could cope with.
She comes first.
You can't let someone just alter your plans to suit themselves.. because you can't invite even more people.

Your mum needs a relaxing, unstressful Christmas. You would be very unhappy if that didn't happen.
Your inlaws can see everyone another time over the festive season. It sounds like they have plenty of company for the actual day. So guilt tripping is inappropriate.
There's always Boxing Day or the day after. Any are just as good to meet up.

That's why its called a festive season - so everything doesn't have to be crammed into one day.

I liked @inamo 's suggestion.

Ring her.

Hi Brenda! All ok? With regards to Christmas, my Mum and Dad are coming here as planned. With the chemo and treatment she’s been having she’s not up to travelling to yours, it’s too far there and back. You host yours with your sister and we’ll have a quieter one here this year with everything my Mum is going through. I knew you’d understand and we’ll see you on Boxing Day. I’m so glad that’s sorted Brenda.

YOU NEED TO CALL THE SHOTS and tell her what’s happening - not the other way round. Your Mother’s health is a very valid reason / excuse.

Very rude to accept an offer and then dictate guests.

And then when not successful in pressuring the host, cancel (without telling the host) and rearrange the lunch to their own design.

Have lunch with Mum. Your DH can catch up with his family another day or later in the evening.

I wouldn’t even consider going. You invited MIL, and then she changed her mind and decided to not attend and have Xmas at her home instead. Just carry on with your original plans.

Your mother in law isn't being unreasonable in wanting as much of her family together on christmas day as possible, especially if she has the room to host. While your mother has immediate health worries, I assume your mil is getting on and aware that her Christmases are limited - it's not weird for her to want to spend it with her sister and extended family,

You, however, are definitely not being unreasonable in wanting this christmas to be about your mum, with plans that work for her health and energy levels.

It puts your husband in an awkward position, but I reckon cancer trumps everything else. You should stay at home and have a quiet christmas with your folks.

Is she aware of your mum's chemo, and why she has to come to you (can't travel the distance)?
Could she hold her day on Boxing Day instead?

"This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one."

I think this needs expanding on but from your initial OP, I think I'd be fuming too. It's the fact that your IL's said 'yes' to your invite that included your DH's sibling/husband/kids so your IL's would be sharing the day with their kids but MIL then invited her own Dsis + family to hers. MIL DSis has a DH and adult children for Christmas Day - why, all of a sudden is MIL saying it would mean that 'they're on their own'? They aren't? They have each other?

I feel a bit sorry for your DH as he's between a rock and a hard place inasmuch that he clearly will spend the day with you but misses out on the potential of a joint xmas day with his sibling and this is solely because his own DM has thrown a spanner in the works.

Can your DH have a chat with his sibling and get them to still come to yours for Xmas day, leaving their DM (your MIL) to host her sister and family for the day? I fail to see why MIL should dictate to your DH's sibling about where they spend the day too?

Edit: addition to final paragraph.

I'd see it as a bonus that your mum can have a quiet Christmas with you and DC at a time she may be feeling tired, ill and quite vulnerable. It also massively reduces risk of her catching a virus. DH can suck up spending one Christmas without his siblings and cope with his mum's guilt tripping for the sake of you and your Mum. Honestly, I'd be pretty pissed off if he made a big deal out of that when your mum has cancer. Then make a plan to all catch up with his family on boxing day or whenever. I think it's important to set a boundary with MIL over this. It's incredibly rude to accept an invitation then dictate guests and hijack the day.

If MIL had politely offered to host at hers so that everyone could fit, then been understanding when you declined, that would be fine. But to inform everyone she was now hosting is beyond rude. You have planned your Christmas, and invited her, she is free to decline that invite. But you are free to continue doing what you planned.

You know accept her hospitality because one day it will just be you. I'm 59 and my brother and both sets of parents have passed.
Spend some of your saved cash on a car service from your house if the drive is too much for your mum. Get one of those Mercedes mpv.
Order in Marks food for later in the holidays.
I do a curry party on the Saturday between Christmas and new year. We had 20+ last year. It's always fun.

Your MIL sounds like a bloody pain in the arse.

Put your mum first and do christmas at yours despite what your MIL "wants to do".

We usually hosted everyone at ours and had done for many years.

Our son (28) passed away in June - he was diagnosed with a glioblastoma in June 2022 - we decided for every christmas that we had with him, we would do what he wanted and we did. Just us, DS2, DIL and granddaughter. He loved curry, so we had takeaway. Best christmas's ever.