Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

Mil should have accepted or declined.
She tried to invite others to her ds’s home and when told no she unilaterally decided to change the venue.
She could have replied that she would stay at home as she wanted to invite other family and that op was welcome to come but that she understood if op wanted to stick to her original plans.

DH’s siblings are invited! It’s MIL’s sister that wasn’t

Just continue with your plans. Chances are your mum will prefer a quieter Christmas anyway.

This. Do what is best for your family.

Have Christmas at yours with your immediate family and your parents, and then go to your in laws in the evening? Alternatively, let your DH go for late afternoon / evening and visit your in laws Boxing Day? I think you’ve got a very good reason not to go.

Wow, so rude of her. You and DH invited them and they accepted. That should have been the end of it - your in-laws and parents at yours for Christmas Day.

She then wanted you to invite other people and sulked when you - quite rightly - declined.

You and DH need to stick to the original plan - it’s his mum that changed it (because people probably enable her to be petulant and rude). If he’ll miss seeing his siblings he wouldn’t have seen them on the original plan anyway, which he agreed to.

I’d never invite MIL again to be honest - mine used to pull stunts like this all the time and I wish I’d shut it down first time round.

Have the Christmas you and DH planned and remind DH his mum is the issue, no one else.

Op mil was staggeringly rude! Worse still because your mother is ill. Stick to the original plan. I would just say thanks Mil but we will continue with the original plan and see you in the new year. I wouldn’t engage with this behaviour at all.

Can u do boxing day with your MIL?

Well you invited them and they accepted but changed the goal posts so why would there be a big fall out if you say thanks, but no thanks, we are sticking to same plan. In all fairness your mum coming to your house where she is comfortable with a small group of people she knows well, is not the same as going to your MIL’s with a lot more people. She may not be up for that. If you want to avoid a fall out for now i’d say that it’s unlikely your mum would be up for the longer drive and larger gathering but you can’t be sure until nearer to the time. Sure your DH can manage without his family for one year given the circumstances and fact it was his family who changed the goal posts. See them before or after.

Well, it isn't ideal to have accepted the invitation and then backed out, but it seems like they maybe misunderstood your dh's sibling would be invited.

If dsil also wants to spend Christmas with her dm, I can see that it's hard for her to be asked to choose your dh over her, so them staying home and I voting everyone may seem fairest.

I'm sure you'll have a nice Christmas with your dp.

Who really thinks it's acceptable to extend an invitation to someone else's home to other guests? If they had been invited she wouldn't have needed to ask as they'd have been told so.

How rude.

You already have plans. If DH wants to see his mum then maybe he could go round for part of the day (assuming they live close enough).

No, she said she invited “DH’s family”, which I assume was parents and siblings, and the MIL wanted to invite her sister (DH’s aunt) plus family.

No.

OP invited MIL.
MIL accepted.
MIL then tried to invite extra people.
OP said there wasn't room.
MIL went quiet and then a few days later announced her new plan to host, without even saying she was no longer coming to the OP's.

No, MIL could see all her DC. It’s her sister (plus sister’s family) that she wanted to invite.

I feel like I’m missing something here. What exactly has Mil done wrong?

You invited her, she declined and let you know what she was doing instead. That’s it. Your DH would have missed out on being with his siblings either way as you hadn’t invited them surely?

I think this is the sensible course of action.

Can DH not go to his family on Boxing Day ?

This.

I'm interpreting the OP as was MIL's sister and her husband etc going to be invited?

So MIL, the siblings etc were due to go to the OP's, but not MiL's sister, brother in law and their adult kids.

But now none of them are going as they'll all go to Mils

MIL has shown her true colours. She’s an entitled, selfish cow.

DH should be standing with you
on this one. If he’s not… then he needs to reconsider his priorities.

In your shoes, OP, I’d crack on as you are and just see your parents on Christmas Day. Keep the children with you if DH wants to go to his mum’s - they should be at home with their toys.

Have a lovely Christmas and let DH deal with his mother. Have the fanciest of fancy christmases.

Your mistake was the people pleasing in the first place. You had your arrangements. You then felt guilty and extended the invite to your in laws. That was your first mistake. Next time , suit yourselves and just host PIL next year.

You'll have to untangle yourself out of this one now ! I'd personally say "thanks Deirdre. That's a really kind offer. But the original invite was for my mum and you and David. If you'd like to have your other children with you on Xmas day, that's absolutely fine. But in that case, me and DH will stick with the original plans of being at ours ."

As someone going through cancer treatment, I personally wouldn't want to go to the in-laws. They could have the comfiest house, be the kindest of people... I just want to be somewhere I know pretty well with people who care about me and totally understand if I need a rest/can only manage a sprout. And I'd want to be near home. I don't want the stress of travelling/social.graces with people I don't know closely.

So I'd be making you have a really crappy conversation with in-laws to say, it just doesn't work this year.

And you'd bloody sorted it all out too!! I feel for you. I think your MIL is trying to be kind but missing the point of why you wanted it at yours.

Isn’t it MIL’s sister and family who isn’t invited? So DH’s aunt, uncle and adult cousins?

I thought DH’s siblings and parents were invited.

Honestly ignore her. Have christmas with your mum. Your DH should stick up for you, and have Christmas at home with you.

This is why we leg it to Southern Spain for three weeks over Christmas/NY. Bliss, but it was a tough ride saying we were no longer participating in anyone's Christmas. The difference I suppose is my parents are deceased and DH's are happy with whatever anyone does or wants to do. We will see them before and after we leg it.