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Original poster

Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

382 replies

Christmasoutlaw · 29/09/2025 18:58

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

OP posts:
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Costcogroupie · 31/12/2025 17:37

Respond ....

.....Of course, completely understand. We'll miss you here but wishing you all a lovely day and very merry Christmas ....

.....And carry on with your own previously agreed plans.

Husband can run himself ragged ricocheting between houses if he wants.

Autumnleaffall · 30/12/2025 08:09

Save it for next year. It keeps

WhistPie · 29/12/2025 11:06

@Autumnleaffall

Christmas day was on the 25th December this year, it's now the 29th December. Christmas has been & gone so your advice is a bit late.

HTH

Autumnleaffall · 29/12/2025 06:48

By saying the issue was space you have muddied the waters because it’s really about your mum and what she needs because of the chemo. Sometimes people don’t understand what that’s like and MIL may never have known anyone who has been through it. Talk to her. DH can pop over after dinner to see family. Explain that you’re mum would be exhausted by a large gathering.

ednaclouda · 23/12/2025 21:05

Fleur405 · 29/09/2025 19:05

Adults who have tantrums when they don’t get their own way are only able to do that because all the other adults around them put up with it.

Just tell her you’re sorry she can no longer make it to yours. And then crack on as planned!

get your DH to explain to his DM we have other plans I do apologise

thepariscrimefiles · 09/11/2025 12:56

itsgettingweird · 29/09/2025 20:09

That’s exactly what I thought!!!

Your MIL is totally within her rights to host for all her children.

You are totally within your rights to decline to host your mum.

But I don’t think you are right to be annoyed at Mil for wanting her family at Christmas -‘she did ask if her other DC could come and you said no.

Show quote history

All MIL's children, i.e. all OP's DH's siblings, were invited for Christmas at OP's house. It's MIL's sister and her family that weren't invited.

MissIonX · 09/11/2025 12:34

@Christmasoutlaw how have things been left?

HappyGilmorex · 09/11/2025 12:00

The only solution here is for you to have Christmas at home with your parents as planned. Let MIL do her own thing and plan to visit them and siblings on a different day. Your DH shouldn't gripe about not seeing his siblings on the day itself if they weren't invited to yours anyway.

I totally understand the annoyance of MIL agreeing to a plan then bailing. At the same time, it's rarely possible to get absolutely everyone round the same table at Christmas, so just make an alternative arrangement to see that side of the family before or after the 25th. Let MIL moan and guilt trip if she wants. I bet if your husband said 'it's very kind for you to offer to host us all but of course we have to prioritise ChristmasOutlaw's mum since she's having cancer treatment and she just won't be up for that length of journey. Well see you on the 27th instead.' she wouldn't push back on it.

Shelby2010 · 09/11/2025 11:21

‘Thanks for the invite MIL, but as mum will still be going through chemo, we’ll be sticking to the original plan of being at our house for Christmas Day. We’d love to meet up on Boxing Day though - either at yours or ours?’

I would not be happy at the idea of DH going off to MIL instead of being with his wife & children!

catlover123456789 · 02/11/2025 18:20

Your mum is going through chemo, she is going to feel crappy enough without being forced to go to her daughter's in-laws for lunch. Your MIL is being out of order. Message MIL and explain again why you are doing things this way this year. Your DH can visit his family in the evening or on Boxing Day.

Owl55 · 14/10/2025 10:36

The last thing your mum needs is the extra risk of infection if she’s undergone chemotherapy. Have a wonderful time in your home and if your husband wants to visit his family let him but enjoy a restful day . Don’t feel blackmailed by mum in law!

Autumnleaffall · 13/10/2025 07:44

I would let your MIL know so many people would be too much for your mum even if space wasn’t an issue. Chemo is hard. Put your mum first on Christmas Day. She’s precious.

fenulla · 01/10/2025 19:34

hannonle · 01/10/2025 16:54

Fewer guests will also limit germs for your mum and be less tiring for her. Have Christmas at home.

This

user2848502016 · 01/10/2025 19:30

Your MIL is being unreasonable, can’t believe the cheek of some people! Stick to your plans and have a lovely quiet Christmas with your parents and see DHs family another time, have them all over for new year’s perhaps.

Maddy70 · 01/10/2025 17:42

You have two options. If our mum is happy for a big Christmas then go to the in-laws. Less stress for you too.

If not , use your mum's illness as an excuse. Thanks but I feel that may be a bit overwhelming for mum at the moment. DH and I will come over in the morning to exchange presents X

hannonle · 01/10/2025 16:54

Fewer guests will also limit germs for your mum and be less tiring for her. Have Christmas at home.

Christmaschildcare · 01/10/2025 10:51

Stay strong @Christmasoutlaw !

MonGrainDeSel · 30/09/2025 17:30

@Christmasoutlaw did you come to any decisions yet? I hope everything has worked out OK and you'll get Christmas with your mum.

Roseshavethorns · 30/09/2025 13:54

I think the big issue is that mil did not discuss a possible change of plans with you before announcing it on the family chat. Had she called and said I was hoping to see Aunty Betty and Uncle Alf at Christmas, how would you feel if I offered to host instead? Then I think you would feel less angry.
As far as I can tell your DH hasn't said anything about not going to his Mum's. You are assuming he will be upset.
I guess I would chat with your DH and ask him how he would feel about having Christmas at your house as previously planned and then, if he wants, he could head over to his Mum's in the evening. By that time your mum and your children will probably be happy to to have a chill tea.

CandlesClementines · 30/09/2025 13:24

@hydriotaphia what about mils sulking and fall out when she doesn't get her own way

Blessthismess2 · 30/09/2025 12:59

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2025 08:27

Nope. Not implying that or anything else, at all. I was simply correcting another poster who was under the impression that OP had not invited DHs siblings when she actually had, because it was relevant to their post.

The problem arose when MiL wanted to invite her sisters’ family comprised of five people and there was no room at OP’s to accommodate them. I don’t think MiL is unreasonable at all for wanting to host a bigger gathering.

Where l do think she’s unreasonable is in taking over the whole thing without any prior notice, or even discussion with OP, and simply announcing it via WhatsApp. That’s rude. And she clearly hasn’t given a thought to the fact that OP’s mum is seriously unwell and undergoing extremely unpleasant treatment, and may just want the quiet Christmas she was offered.

As long as there are no tantrums if/when OP says they won’t be attending the gathering there’s no problem, but OP has indicated that’s not the case. Which is unreasonable.

Edited
Show quote history

Fair enough, I agree with you

BlueandPinkSwan · 30/09/2025 12:56

sladtheinkaler · 29/09/2025 19:03

Is the problem that MIL will be cross if you and DH have Christmas at hme with your parents?

Why care if she's cross? Mil shifted the goal posts in the fact inviting other people and changing the dynamic.
Let her throw a wobbly, she get over it and if she doesn't that's on her. You h could see his siblings at some point over christmas if he wanted to. But your mum and your family come first.

Bitolderandwiser · 30/09/2025 12:31

No worries, Notonthestairs, think most posters would agree that the OPs Mum has to be the main consideration.

Woodwalk · 30/09/2025 12:26

Blessthismess2 · 29/09/2025 20:48

Why can't people just read the OP properly??

why can't you understand that we have read the OP properly, we just have a different opinion on the situation to you?

Show quote history

No - many people had been responding saying DH wouldn't be seeing his siblings anyway, or that it wasn't fair for MIL to have to choose which of her children she saw at Christmas.

Those aren't different opinions on the situation, they are misunderstandings of the situation. Everyone is entitled to see it differently, but people weren't paying attention to the actual set up.

RampantIvy · 30/09/2025 12:10

Boxfuls · 30/09/2025 09:10

What am I missing? It seems perfectly reasonable from MIL to me. She wants Christmas with her family, so she's organised that. It's up to you and DH if you join her (which neither of you should imo).

I have adult DC, they're all free to do as the please for Christmas, but if one had plans that didn't include the others, I'd do something that did.

What are you missing?

The OP's mum is undergoing chemotherapy for cancer.

The MIL is throwing a strop because the OP doesn't have room for 5 extra adults (the MIL's sister and her family)

The OP, understandably, wants to be with her parents this Christmas.