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Original poster

To not send my son money for food?

89 replies

pleasecomebacksummer · 29/09/2025 18:42

My 14 year old came home from school today telling me he wants to go meet his friends (this is very rare). I say fine, what about tea? (He spent his £40 per month pocket money mostly on sweets so has no money to buy food). He asked if I can sent him money. I say no, either eat now or take food with you. He says no, I need to leave now and he’s not taking a bag. I say, well your choice don’t ask me to send you money

1 hour later he texts for money for food. Literally 20 texts begging. I say no and offer to pick him up early as he claims he’s starving. He says no, don’t do that

I stand my ground and don’t send him any money.

for back ground, I always offer him to ran extra money by doing jobs but he never wants to.

am I being unreasonable to not send him money? I think that if I bail him out all the time when I make it clear that I won’t, what message am I sending him?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/09/2025 19:13

TheCurious0range · 29/09/2025 19:06

My DH once gave a kid a fiver when he heard him say in McDonald's oh I've left my wallet at home not very convincingly to his friend. The kid wasn't very well kept compared to his friends, clothing too small, worn out etc, DH took a fiver from his pocket and went up to the kid and said excuse me you just dropped this, the kid tried to say no he hadn't and DH just gave him a look and handed him the fiver. He then ran after his mates and ordered some food. DH is a bit of a softie and works in youth criminal justice and mental health so is probably a bit sensitive to it

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Your husband sounds like a keeper!

101Alsatians · 29/09/2025 19:13

Pretty sure fast food gives a lot of people a dopamine hit,ADHD or not.

If he rarely goes out with friends,how on earth could he have been expected to plan for it?

I think that was really tight unless you genuinely couldn't afford it. Agree with PPs,time and a place for teaching moments and in on a rare trip out is not one of them IMO.

andjustlikethat1 · 29/09/2025 19:12

ToLoseWeightAndNotMyMind · 29/09/2025 19:06

I've paid for my dcs friends before . When ds said their friend has no money. I've done it secretly gave ds extra and he said to his mate ' my treat' they're now adults and great feiends- his friend knows now that I knew and occasionally turns up with a bunch of flowers for me . He always says how he felt left out and those little things mattered

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You sound a lovely mummy and the flowers are because your kindness has never been forgotten. ❤️

warmapplepies · 29/09/2025 19:12

Aw, I feel sad for him. If you couldn't afford to send him anything, then fair enough, but just refusing to try and prove a point is mean, IMO.

MyDeftHedgehog · 29/09/2025 19:11

Its a lesson for him to learn. Budget your money properly so you will have enough to last the month. Don't spaff it all on sweets

andjustlikethat1 · 29/09/2025 19:11

TheCurious0range · 29/09/2025 19:06

My DH once gave a kid a fiver when he heard him say in McDonald's oh I've left my wallet at home not very convincingly to his friend. The kid wasn't very well kept compared to his friends, clothing too small, worn out etc, DH took a fiver from his pocket and went up to the kid and said excuse me you just dropped this, the kid tried to say no he hadn't and DH just gave him a look and handed him the fiver. He then ran after his mates and ordered some food. DH is a bit of a softie and works in youth criminal justice and mental health so is probably a bit sensitive to it

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What a lovely husband you have. Keep him close ❤️

blankcanvas3 · 29/09/2025 19:10

YABU, if he rarely goes out with his friends it was probably extremely embarrassing for him to turn up with no money to buy food. I would have taken it out of next months pocket money and give him the option to earn it back by doing a chore

zipadeedodah · 29/09/2025 19:10

So what happened in the end OP? Did he

a) sit and watch his friends eat with no food himself
b) come home
c) get brought food by one of his friends who felt sorry for him and who has parents who give him money?

Goldenbear · 29/09/2025 19:10

TheCurious0range · 29/09/2025 19:06

My DH once gave a kid a fiver when he heard him say in McDonald's oh I've left my wallet at home not very convincingly to his friend. The kid wasn't very well kept compared to his friends, clothing too small, worn out etc, DH took a fiver from his pocket and went up to the kid and said excuse me you just dropped this, the kid tried to say no he hadn't and DH just gave him a look and handed him the fiver. He then ran after his mates and ordered some food. DH is a bit of a softie and works in youth criminal justice and mental health so is probably a bit sensitive to it

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That's a lovely gesture what a nice husband you have.

Newname71 · 29/09/2025 19:10

TheCurious0range · 29/09/2025 19:06

My DH once gave a kid a fiver when he heard him say in McDonald's oh I've left my wallet at home not very convincingly to his friend. The kid wasn't very well kept compared to his friends, clothing too small, worn out etc, DH took a fiver from his pocket and went up to the kid and said excuse me you just dropped this, the kid tried to say no he hadn't and DH just gave him a look and handed him the fiver. He then ran after his mates and ordered some food. DH is a bit of a softie and works in youth criminal justice and mental health so is probably a bit sensitive to it

Show quote history

Your DH sounds lovely! 🥰

Charredtea · 29/09/2025 19:10

TheCurious0range · 29/09/2025 19:06

My DH once gave a kid a fiver when he heard him say in McDonald's oh I've left my wallet at home not very convincingly to his friend. The kid wasn't very well kept compared to his friends, clothing too small, worn out etc, DH took a fiver from his pocket and went up to the kid and said excuse me you just dropped this, the kid tried to say no he hadn't and DH just gave him a look and handed him the fiver. He then ran after his mates and ordered some food. DH is a bit of a softie and works in youth criminal justice and mental health so is probably a bit sensitive to it

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That made me well up 😭

Willyoujust · 29/09/2025 19:09

I would give him his pocket money weekly to allow him to budget better. Then when things like this come up, he still has the opportunity.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 29/09/2025 19:07

Yabvu, poor kid, especially as he doesn’t go out much and has adhd and if you claim DLA for him which you haven’t mentioned you are even more unreasonable for only giving him £40 a month. If my child sent me 20 messages begging for money honestly I would have sent it after one message, poor boy must have felt so left out and embarrassed and I agree with another poster his adhd would have exacerbated those feelings. I hope you reflect on this OP as I imagine due to his adhd this experience will make him not want to go out so quick again, many won’t understand but if you have adhd or have a child with adhd you know how things can impact the children more

MaskAndMartini · 29/09/2025 19:06

pleasecomebacksummer · 29/09/2025 18:55

biying Food out rather than eating at home is always his go to. He has adhd and this is a dopamine hit for him. Even if he wasn’t hungry he would still have ranted to buy food

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It's not about the food FFS. It's about the socialisation and feeling like part of the group.

TheCurious0range · 29/09/2025 19:06

andjustlikethat1 · 29/09/2025 19:02

I remember once being in mcd’s and watching 4 boys eat and another little boy in their company watching them eat and it broke my heart in two. I am a deep thinker and it made we wonder could his parents not afford to give him a few pounds. My heart was actually melting I asked husband can we buy him something and my husband shouted at me and said I was out of my head. He looked hungry and it made me so sad. So I would never send a child out with no money.

My DH once gave a kid a fiver when he heard him say in McDonald's oh I've left my wallet at home not very convincingly to his friend. The kid wasn't very well kept compared to his friends, clothing too small, worn out etc, DH took a fiver from his pocket and went up to the kid and said excuse me you just dropped this, the kid tried to say no he hadn't and DH just gave him a look and handed him the fiver. He then ran after his mates and ordered some food. DH is a bit of a softie and works in youth criminal justice and mental health so is probably a bit sensitive to it

ToLoseWeightAndNotMyMind · 29/09/2025 19:06

andjustlikethat1 · 29/09/2025 19:02

I remember once being in mcd’s and watching 4 boys eat and another little boy in their company watching them eat and it broke my heart in two. I am a deep thinker and it made we wonder could his parents not afford to give him a few pounds. My heart was actually melting I asked husband can we buy him something and my husband shouted at me and said I was out of my head. He looked hungry and it made me so sad. So I would never send a child out with no money.

I've paid for my dcs friends before . When ds said their friend has no money. I've done it secretly gave ds extra and he said to his mate ' my treat' they're now adults and great feiends- his friend knows now that I knew and occasionally turns up with a bunch of flowers for me . He always says how he felt left out and those little things mattered

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/09/2025 19:05

If he had ADHD I think you’re setting him up to fail by giving him his £40 in one go rather than weekly.

My ADHD child would also find that hard to regulate (he’s a bit younger but still).

Goldenbear · 29/09/2025 19:04

andjustlikethat1 · 29/09/2025 19:02

I remember once being in mcd’s and watching 4 boys eat and another little boy in their company watching them eat and it broke my heart in two. I am a deep thinker and it made we wonder could his parents not afford to give him a few pounds. My heart was actually melting I asked husband can we buy him something and my husband shouted at me and said I was out of my head. He looked hungry and it made me so sad. So I would never send a child out with no money.

Oh no, I agree and probably would have felt like you.

ToLoseWeightAndNotMyMind · 29/09/2025 19:02

I'd never let my dc go out without money for food. Ever !
How sad for him £40 isn't a lot at all my 10yo has that a month.
That's just over £1 a day ffs.

You expect him to sit there with food he's taken whislt all his friends eat out? Way to go to make him feel excluded

TheCurious0range · 29/09/2025 19:02

pleasecomebacksummer · 29/09/2025 18:55

biying Food out rather than eating at home is always his go to. He has adhd and this is a dopamine hit for him. Even if he wasn’t hungry he would still have ranted to buy food

Show quote history

I was on the fence until you said this, he has ADHD, impulsivity is text book, you need to support him to not blow his £40 on sweets. On this occasion you could've negotiated an extra job for him to do for the extra cash and then give through a monthly budget with him for next months pocket money, or give it to him weekly.

Leopardspota · 29/09/2025 19:02

Maxorias · 29/09/2025 18:45

I'd be concerned that he wanted the money for something else than food. Sounds very weird that he HAS to buy food rather than eat before leaving or take a snack with him.

Any chance his friends wanted to buy alcohol or other such things ?

It’s not weird. Poor kid just wanted to fit in with his friends.

andjustlikethat1 · 29/09/2025 19:02

I remember once being in mcd’s and watching 4 boys eat and another little boy in their company watching them eat and it broke my heart in two. I am a deep thinker and it made we wonder could his parents not afford to give him a few pounds. My heart was actually melting I asked husband can we buy him something and my husband shouted at me and said I was out of my head. He looked hungry and it made me so sad. So I would never send a child out with no money.

Goldenbear · 29/09/2025 19:01

Goldenbear · 29/09/2025 18:59

Yes, I agree but I think it may be a bit of guilt on my part as my DD is a similar age and we have her £20 at weekend with friends for some food and general mooch around but her friend ended up buying her some art supplies she needed for school. I am obviously going to pay back but maybe her parents are thinking the same about us!

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I should add DD didn't contact us once about this though!

HedwigEliza · 29/09/2025 19:01

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 29/09/2025 18:58

YANBU, he needs to learn some lessons about money.

He’s only young! This thread is awful, some people are just dreadful to their children. OP should be ashamed of herself.

Charredtea · 29/09/2025 19:00

pleasecomebacksummer · 29/09/2025 18:55

biying Food out rather than eating at home is always his go to. He has adhd and this is a dopamine hit for him. Even if he wasn’t hungry he would still have ranted to buy food

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What’s wrong with a little dopamine hit anyway? There’s a time and a place to support appropriate regulation and this is not it.
do you deny yourself the dopamine raising experience of fun times with your friends?