To not send my son money for food?

Nor would I have necessarily expected it to come out of his pocket money.

I would have sent the food money, as time socialising with friends is important.

I think the majority of posters were reacting to the boy begging over the course of 20 text messages.
This is before we knew he has ADHD and OP explained this won’t be a one off, and she’s trying to find ways to help him manage his money better.

That said, my DC weren't really bothered about snacks so they wouldn't have missed it or cared, they would have cared about being kept in at break. I am quite surprised about that at 5.

No, I personally felt sorry for the 5 year old but I wouldn't have complained as it would feel a bit OTT I think. Peer assimilation and tribal stuff at teen age is really important and having food out is a part of that, it's more important than the food IMO, whereas the snack for a five year old was just about the food.

Tbh I was a bit on the fence til I heard he had ADHD.

That said, I was surprised at the resounding YABU about not giving a teenager extra money to eat out when compared to the YABU the Mum of a 5 yo got for questioning the fact he wasn’t allowed to eat his banana snack at school! Are we more sympathetic to teenagers than 5 yos now? The 5 yo seemingly had only pushed back when another child pushed him too.

I don't YABU because it was your choice to make, and it's a valid one. Particularly if he has opportunities to get more pocket money and refuses. And he had a chance to grab food before he left.

However, it's the end of the month, it was unplanned and it was a rare occurrence. I would have given him an advance on next month allowance.

Unlike the vast majority of posters I don't think the OP was mean at all. If he was really hungry, he'd have eaten before he went out, or grabbed something and eaten it on the way. I think his Mum has taught him a very valuable lesson, he now knows that spending all his money on sweets and rubbish and not saving any of it, means he won't be able to go out to eat with his mates, if it's all been spent. Hopefully in future, he'll put some money aside, so as not to get into this sort of situation again, and I think the chances are, that one of his mates will have taken pity on him and bought him a bag of chips or something, so I doubt VERY much whether he actually went without.

From the responses of everyone who has accused the OP of being mean, all I can say, is it's no wonder we have a nation of spoilt teenagers!

Definitely. Mine doesn't have ADHD but it takes at least 6 or 7 messages until you can work out what he's talking about.

Ah come on, the poor kid is sitting there twiddling his thumbs whilst his peers who he rarely hangs out are eating McDonald's or whatever. Just give him the few quid and be glad he has a group to hang out with instead of leaving him sitting there awkward.

Also - I’ve just thought- a friend of mine who is in her 20s also does it - she’s not from the UK and is trying to help me learn her language and when she does the short messages I get really confused 😂😂

Ah - only my youngest does - and the eldest still does the short messages!

I think you need to understand adhd better. It is far more nuanced than ‘always seeking dopamine’. I think you exacerbated this by trying to have control in a situation that didn’t warrant the control.

The kinder thing to do would be to allow him to do the fun thing with his friends which all his friends were doing, presumably not all with adhd

then have conversations about impulse control etc at some other appropriate time.

he was not seeking anything out of the ordinary on this occasion

by your logic, people with adhd shouldn’t do extreme sports or watch action movies or treat themselves in the shops, have sex, or masturbate or any of the other things most people enjoy regardless of their neurotype.

you have pathologised this situation because of his diagnosis.
learn everything you possibly can to enable him to have a happy and fulfilling life despite the challenges of his diagnosis

Maybe.. Both of my sons have ADHD so I don’t have any experience of any other teens texts. I have to have my phone on silent, as all the pinging gets on my wick. Only problem then is I miss some of his texts and get dozens of missed call. 😂😂

I think those short messages is just young people, not just those with ADHD.
its annoying though as you don’t know when they’ve finished what they want to say

Mines the same with the messages! He won’t send me one message of a paragraph. He’ll send me dozens of messages all just one sentence! And if I’m at work and can’t respond immediately I’ll get multiple messages just saying “mum” or “?”
Does my head in but he’s not going to change.
He’s the same with money too, if he’s got it he blows it. So he doesn’t get pocket money as such (he’s 18)we just give him money if he’s got plans with friends.
He’s looking for a job at the moment but he doesn’t want a “robot” job he wants an exciting career but he’s mentioned 5 different careers over the last 24 hours 😂
Kids with ADHD hey, never a dull moment.

I wouldn't call paying for him to have dinner with friends as 'bailing him out'! What's wrong with you people? Why the hell did you have children if you begrudge them a cheap meal with their mates?

Just read your update. I'm glad you sent him some money.

My niece has ADHD and the intensity of the texts and things having to be NOW really tests my sister.

If he's struggling to budget and he spends the different pots of money how about not giving him money that isn't for frivolous spending. For example give him £5 a week for sweets or other trivial things then keep his other money for him until he has saved up enough for whatever thing he is saving for or until he has a trip out like today and you can give him some money from his savings.

Yes I agree he needs to learn to budget his money but add in the ADHD and the teenage friends and it isn't that easy.

Is there a history of always bailing him out?
If not then I think YABU to not send him a fiver for a burger.
Don't you want to encourage and support him going out with his friends?
Is his allowance monthly? If so, I presume it's right at the end of the month and so it's not odd for him to have spent it.

When my son has used his allowance and desperately needs! a fiver or tenner I take it from the following months allowance. There's a line obviously, but it doesn't sound like your son is really pushing his luck.

Few teenagers take a packed tea out with them when meeting their mates.

I’ve got mixed feelings on this to be honest.

On the one hand he should at 14 be capable of budgeting his pocket money, to some extent, and so it would be fair to then say “when its gone its gone” and refuse. But as you mention he has ADHD, £40 monthly pocket money, you recognise there is a dopamine hit issue here, I think you’re setting him up to fail a bit by giving it monthly. I have a friend with ADHD, we’re in our twenties and even still now she has parental help controlling her finances despite her working full time in a professional role- she simply cannot manage her own finances independently. So at 14 I’d be focusing more on helping him than punishing him whether that be sending it weekly rather than monthly, or you “keep it” and then release for things he wants etc.