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Original poster

Birthday gift reciprocation

40 replies

HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2025 14:38

My DD is at Uni and has a best friend who she lives with and a group of others in a shared house. My DD's birthday is in the summer break and her friends birthday is in a few weeks time. The friend has promised to send her a gift for the last couple of years in the break - but hasn't. Her birthday hasn't been celebrated at all. Friend is now sending messages to my DD with suggestions for the cake and presents she wants in a few weeks time. It is not unreasonable for my DD to suggest a night out which she will benefit from instead of gifts is it? And how can she let her friend know that she won't be buying presents without offending her as she still has to share a house with her until next June!

OP posts:
nomas · 29/09/2025 14:54

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 14:52

Is it not just that the house put in money and get the friend something joint? That’s what happened when I was at uni

and if your birthday was in the holidays…. As was mine. You missed out . I don’t remember feeling peeved about it. As had my home friends to celebrate with

Oh, it's you again.

OP, FYI, this poster has been going around on every thread telling women how unreasonable they are.

Original poster
HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2025 14:53

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 14:51

does your daughter buy for any other friend?

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Yes - and has got gifts in return. She knows you don't give to receive but when said friend is asking for expensive hand decorated cakes and gifts it's a bit much! My DD has openly said she'd be happy with a card as it is the thought that counts.

OP posts:
Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 14:53

HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2025 14:51

I'm sure she will! But she's anxious it will affect friendships if she says the wrong thing and calls her out as she wants to. I thought wise Mumsnetters might be able to suggest an approach that might help.

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So is your daughter not wanting to contribute to the group collection for a present?

BlueMum16 · 29/09/2025 14:53

Could she buy a very small cake and card and suggestion a night out?

nomas · 29/09/2025 14:53

HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2025 14:51

I'm sure she will! But she's anxious it will affect friendships if she says the wrong thing and calls her out as she wants to. I thought wise Mumsnetters might be able to suggest an approach that might help.

Show quote history

If she wants a gentle approach then the best thing is to say 'I don't think we're doing birthday presents and cake anymore, I've never had any. Let me know when and where to come for birthday drinks. xx'

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 14:52

Is it not just that the house put in money and get the friend something joint? That’s what happened when I was at uni

and if your birthday was in the holidays…. As was mine. You missed out . I don’t remember feeling peeved about it. As had my home friends to celebrate with

Original poster
HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2025 14:51

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 14:43

These are women? 20?

OP… just let them sort it out

I'm sure she will! But she's anxious it will affect friendships if she says the wrong thing and calls her out as she wants to. I thought wise Mumsnetters might be able to suggest an approach that might help.

OP posts:
Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 14:51

HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2025 14:50

She gets messages and calls of course - but all her friends go back home over the summer, as does she, so are dotted up and down the country which makes it very difficult to celebrate together.

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does your daughter buy for any other friend?

Original poster
HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2025 14:50

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 14:44

Her birthday hasn't been celebrated at all.

by any of her friends?

She gets messages and calls of course - but all her friends go back home over the summer, as does she, so are dotted up and down the country which makes it very difficult to celebrate together.

OP posts:
nomas · 29/09/2025 14:46

Emsie1987 · 29/09/2025 14:40

Maybe get her to say… didn’t we agree on no presents… I thought we did as I don’t think you got me one for my birthday.

Agreed, but I would make it even firmer and say 'You have never got me a present for the last two years, so what are you on expecting cake and presents from me?'

This isn't a friend, it's a using cheeky fucker!

latetothefisting · 29/09/2025 14:46

I mean I agree that it's not for you to get involved with at all, but yes if I was your dd I'd just respond "I thought we weren't doing presents anymore because you haven't given me anything for my last few birthdays?" And then leave it.

Iguessicoulddothat · 29/09/2025 14:45

She needs to do a term time / half birthday for herself, thats what we always did for uni friends with summer birthdays.

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 14:44

Her birthday hasn't been celebrated at all.

by any of her friends?

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 14:43

These are women? 20?

OP… just let them sort it out

Emsie1987 · 29/09/2025 14:40

Maybe get her to say… didn’t we agree on no presents… I thought we did as I don’t think you got me one for my birthday.