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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Birthday gift reciprocation

40 replies

HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2025 14:38

My DD is at Uni and has a best friend who she lives with and a group of others in a shared house. My DD's birthday is in the summer break and her friends birthday is in a few weeks time. The friend has promised to send her a gift for the last couple of years in the break - but hasn't. Her birthday hasn't been celebrated at all. Friend is now sending messages to my DD with suggestions for the cake and presents she wants in a few weeks time. It is not unreasonable for my DD to suggest a night out which she will benefit from instead of gifts is it? And how can she let her friend know that she won't be buying presents without offending her as she still has to share a house with her until next June!

OP posts:

Cooksmart · 02/10/2025 17:48

Sounds to me like your daughter doesn’t feel very confident about her place in this shared home, that she’s so worried about the impact on how she’s viewed by others and her relationships with them over something like this.

Halfaday · 29/09/2025 16:13

GAJLY · 29/09/2025 16:09

This is perfect.

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Yes depends on the friendship being healthy and close

and fact the dd is worried they’ll be a backlash indicates otherwise

GAJLY · 29/09/2025 16:09

FuzzyWolf · 29/09/2025 15:37

Surely she just replies with “ouch, that’s expensive. I know we don’t do presents for each other anymore but I’m happy to buy you a drink if we go out for the evening to celebrate” and leave it at that.

This is perfect.

Halfaday · 29/09/2025 15:37

But she's anxious it will affect friendships if she says the wrong thing and calls her out as she wants to.

what other friendships would be impacted?

FuzzyWolf · 29/09/2025 15:37

Halfaday · 29/09/2025 15:36

HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2025 15:32

She's not concerned about backlash from others - she just has to share a house with friend and doesn't want any bad feeling.

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And this is her best friend??

arcticpandas · 29/09/2025 15:34

Teach your daughter to not be a mug. She should tell friend that

"oh I didn't think we did birthdays, you know mine was in the summer. But if you want we could do a combined birthday outing for the both of us or do you prefer we do mine first? Here's my gift list, I think it's a bit cheeky to send one out but since you did so I'll do it as well:)"

She Needs to learn how to deal with CF now or she wull be treated like shit her whole life.

SirBasil · 29/09/2025 15:34

How about, just ignore all the requests, and on the day hand over a card and ask where the birthday drinks are being held?

Original poster

HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2025 15:34

rosierosierosie · 29/09/2025 15:07

Don't think OPs daughter is the ‘grabby’ one here…

’Friend is now sending messages to my DD with suggestions for the cake and presents she wants in a few weeks time.’

It’s more about helping OPs daughter to set boundaries for how she’s willing to be treated? For those saying she’s an adult, why wouldn’t you want to support her with navigating these sorts of things whatever age she is?

This is exactly it - she needs to set boundaries about how she's willing to be treated. I'm not good at it. I want her to be and I want to be able to support her.

OP posts:

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/09/2025 15:33

HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2025 15:32

She's not concerned about backlash from others - she just has to share a house with friend and doesn't want any bad feeling.

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All she needs to do is say, "You didn't get me a birthday present so I'm not sure why you think I should get you one."

If she's over 18 presumably she could have figured this out by herself.

It's even weirder that you need to ask Mumsnet what she should do.

SirBasil · 29/09/2025 15:33

but she is already feeling bad?
Maybe a face to face: look, you can ask for all these things but they are very expensive and i'm a student. - that type of thing?

learning to negotiate a life full of CFs and twits is what uni is about, surely?

Original poster

HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2025 15:32

Halfaday · 29/09/2025 15:20

Why is your daughter worried about back lash from others?

She's not concerned about backlash from others - she just has to share a house with friend and doesn't want any bad feeling.

OP posts:

Halfaday · 29/09/2025 15:20

Why is your daughter worried about back lash from others?

Halfaday · 29/09/2025 15:20

So this friend is sending very explicit instructions for what she wants? Well that’s just a bit rude no matter the context!

SirBasil · 29/09/2025 15:19

not a "friend" so no need to worry about offending her, surely?

"I'll get you what you got me. Let's go for a drink to celebrate - to be clear each to pay for our own drinks"

and then sit back and wait.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/09/2025 15:18

OP, your daughter is an adult.

Original poster

HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2025 15:15

Where's the group present idea come from? There has never been any suggestion of group presents - it's not a thing in her friendship circle. I am not 'weighing in' or 'getting over involved'. She'll deal with it herself in her own time but she's asked how I would handle it - and I'm really not sure.

OP posts:

Arlanymor · 29/09/2025 15:13

Did you say this is her best friend?

Halfaday · 29/09/2025 15:11

The question is whether this is a group present and the dd will have to say to the group that she doesn’t wish to contribute because she got nothing over the holidays
or
the DD buying an individual gift for the friend,

rosierosierosie · 29/09/2025 15:07

Don't think OPs daughter is the ‘grabby’ one here…

’Friend is now sending messages to my DD with suggestions for the cake and presents she wants in a few weeks time.’

nomas · 29/09/2025 15:01

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 14:55

Yes I’ve seen you too on threads

encouraging OP’s to cause big drama and tension, just to tickle your fancy. And then you bully them when they don’t follow your advice. It’s horrible to witness and you’ve been pulled up on it lots

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I think you've pulled that out of your arse.

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 14:58

OP is this because your daughter doesn’t want to contribute to the group collection for a present?

If so, she is right to be a little concerned that this may appear a little petty

hydriotaphia · 29/09/2025 14:57

I am astonished at the number of people voting YANBU! Number one WHY are you getting into your DD's petty squabbles with her friends when she is an adult at university? Number two, to comment on the petty squabble, it is pretty normal to bring a gift and card if you see someone on their birthday, and not if you don't. IMHO it would be a really bad and childish move for your DD to tell her friends she is not buying them gifts until they buy her gifts. It just makes the friendship seem really transactional. Obviously your DD doesn't need to buy her friend gifts if she doesn't want to. But she should mainly focus on living her own life.

rosierosierosie · 29/09/2025 14:56

Keep it really simple and push it back on her - ‘I thought we weren’t doing gifts?’

Then definitely don’t buy anything.

Tummyrum · 29/09/2025 14:55

nomas · 29/09/2025 14:54

Oh, it's you again.

OP, FYI, this poster has been going around on every thread telling women how unreasonable they are.

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Yes I’ve seen you too on threads

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