To think some people love being victims too much to heal?

Saw this on X from Zuby- “Sometimes people don't solve their problems because they've made them a core part of their identity.”

I’m someone who started therapy for birth trauma but quit, because I realised I was enjoying the wallowing and validation more that getting better.

Some people will always feel more comfortable identifying as a victim of something. It means they never have to take responsibility for themselves.

There will always be some "ism" somewhere that they can latch onto.

Oh yes, therapy is seen as an admission of them being in the wrong rather than working to rid themselves of pain and trauma and destructive behaviour.

My ex boyfriend. It drained the life out of me. I did suggest that giving up the half bottle of whisky he drank every day might improve his emotional state.

Yes, I can think of several people like this, one particularly so. All men, as it happens. It's very tedious to be around.

Do these people have EUPD?

I wonder if it’s because they were unable to think their way through problems experienced, the kind that whilst a bit shit, most of work through, even if it takes a bit of time and effort. Most (?) of us can anticipate many disasters and avert the worst. I’ve met some that just don’t have that ability. Maybe over-parented??

I think some people do enjoy a certain amount of drama, yes.

You’re not talking about my mother by any chance?

You're talking about emotional hyperchondria I think?

I have someone in my family who has had so much therapy they now use therapy speak as their normal conversation, they make every situation into something about their pain/issues, and they very happily try to 'therapise' others.

I can deal with the first two behaviours, but the last one frustrates and angers me because they are not qualified and it's always uninvited and invasive.

Luckily they stopped trying to do it to me when I asked: "If you're still in therapy then do you think it's safe, wise or fair to be counselling others?"

It was a bit of an unfair comment I suppose because obviously qualified counsellors can need counselling themselves. But she wound up me up something chronic so I couldn't really help myself. Worked though...

I don’t know if it’s a case of liking, or enjoying it. I think it’s deeper than that, though I do understand what you mean. I see that ppl’s life experiences & diagnoses can become their entire identity & it’s terrifying for them to move forward from that, bc the ‘victim’ (I’d like to use a more fitting word, but can’t think of one) identity gives them a sense of safety, when they’ve likely experienced trauma.

I’m guessing you are referring to emotional pain which is subjective rather than physical pain which is somewhat more measurable.

Yes, there are some people who hope to perpetually gain sympathy for emotional pain just as there are people who want sympathy for illness. And perhaps relative poverty.

The thing with emotional pain is other people seldom know how much it hurts unless they’ve experienced the same causes of pain. They just don’t really get it unless it’s happened to them. Even then the comparison is unlikely to be equal in terms of history and resilience.

Here on MN the go to response is to seek counselling and when that doesn’t solve the issue, to seek more counselling. The uncomfortable truth is that it doesn’t always work for everyone. Nor is it affordable for everyone.

So there are a lot of people who are dragged down by emotional pain who are misunderstood, not wishing to have some sort of victim status, but cannot resolve their problems.

How do you think suicides happen, if not that some people are the ”victims “ of pain they can’t endure?

People who go through trauma, particularly in childhood, develop coping skills that can be very difficult to change even though they are often self destructive. It changes the way you see the world and has a profound effect on how you form relationships.
It is a very complex thing to try to undo that type of damage. To simplify it into “they like being a victim” is ignorant and shows a real lack of empathy.
Mental illness like depression can change the way that a person thinks so that they are stuck in a negative thinking pattern and no amount of talking through their problems will help.
Most people don’t realise how common treatment resistance is common with depression and anxiety.
What’s to love about being a victim in this kind of scenario, do you think? What do you think is so appealing about it that people want to stay that way?

Yes I think some people are perpetual victims and have no wish to be anything else. I’ve encountered many people who confided their problems then got nasty when presented with advice and support.

Oh, life is much easier when you can just shrug off responsibility and claim victim status. I’d imagine it is quite an addictive and self-serving place for some to be, yes. Not all though.

I think some people dont have much else in their life, or have negative things in their life, so to discover that being ill gets kindness, care, interest and favours from others would be a revelation. Personality traits, positive and negative, do not go away just because you are ill. And to pretend that every person who is ill would trade anything to get better, or that every person who is ill has done/is doing everything that should be done to try and get better, is a lie that does not help people!

I think the wording- identity and victim is the wrong way to think- some people just aren’t able to see any light. That could be something lacking in their character or it could be they’ve just been beaten down too much.

This is a hard one.

I think that getting better can be genuinely scary for some people. For example, I'm in therapy for intense catastrophisation about people close to me dying or falling ill or becoming extremely hurt. However, my thoughts often centre around the idea of "what if I get better, and then something awful does happen? It will be my fault because I didn't overthink things anymore." But logically, I know I don't have any control over people becoming ill or injured or dying anyway.

It's so easy to almost become comfortable with being sad, or depressed, or anxious, because that's what you have come to know and change can be scary. It's easy to become reliant on focusing on your bad days, because if you have bad days often, that's really all that you're used to.

So I think, in the majority of cases, it's not that people love being victims. It's that they're scared of change. They've gotten used to being the way they are, as much as they may hate it.

I don’t have personal experience of physical pain, if that’s what you’re talking about. But generally in life, yes absolutely so. Many people don’t want to heal and move on. They feel comfortable and find purpose in victimhood.