Page 9 | DS got engaged and never told me

Mumsier · 2025-09-28T14:39:43+00:00

My eldest DS is 26, he's been with his partner for 2.5 years, they live together, she is lovely. I see DS about twice a year, call about once a month and we have a family group chat active most days. 2 weeks ago DS and his gf went to Portugal (where she is from) on holiday, they sent loads of pics in the group chat. Today while I was doing the shopping I ran into the mum of DS's childhood best friend, we chatted and she said "you must be over the moon at the news" I had no idea what she was talking about which was very embarrassing and then she told me that her DS had mentioned my DS and his partner were engaged. I've messaged DS about it now, but no reply (only messaged an hour ago and I know they are meeting up with friends and going to a gig tonight). DH also didn't know, nor did DS2 or DD. AIBU to be really hurt and confused by this? He never uses his social media and his partner doesn't have any of our family on hers, so there was no way for us to have found out incidentally.

Theunamedcat · 28/09/2025 16:21

Luxio · 28/09/2025 16:15

I find it odd so many are focusing on the monthly calls. It sounds like the OP and her son communicate very frequently just not by phone.

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Exactly! My dd never calls me i only call her if its bad news we chat most days via WhatsApp but no actual phone calls I still know the ins and outs of her life and she knows mine she is 25 and feels like we are close

It doesn't always "need" to be a phone call

Skybluepinky · 28/09/2025 16:21

Sounds like you have t made the effort to see him so he hasn’t made the effort to tell you.

Abominableday · 28/09/2025 16:20

You can fly from Aberdeen to London - see a show and have a short visit with him. Twice a year is so little, and several short visits are probably easier than two long ones in terms of getting on well with each other.

AtIusvue · 28/09/2025 16:20

Maybe he was planning on surprising you?

or maybe he wanted to tell you in person?

or maybe he’s just been distracted and not thought.

Either way, don’t dwell. Send a lovely bunch of flowers to him and his new fiancé and tell them how happy you are for them.

Don’t let this spiral into something else, stay onside and move past it. You don’t want this to create a barrier between you and your son.

Ohhellnooo · 28/09/2025 16:20

Oh I’m sorry OP. I’d be really hurt too if my son did the same.

I really don’t know what to say. I guess you’ll just have to see what he replies to your text.

Luxio · 28/09/2025 16:20

nosleepforme · 28/09/2025 16:18

It’s a way to demonstrate closeness.
if you feel you can be close to your child speaking 12 times a year, then good for you. No one said they weren’t in contact.

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But you can be close to your child and communicate in other ways as the OP and her son clearly do. Phone calls are not the only indicator of how close you are to someone.

Original poster

Mumsier · 28/09/2025 16:19

nosleepforme · 28/09/2025 16:18

It’s a way to demonstrate closeness.
if you feel you can be close to your child speaking 12 times a year, then good for you. No one said they weren’t in contact.

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Yes but surely texting most days and receiving pics is also a way to feel close? Calls aren't the only option now?

OP posts:

BarbarasRhabarberba · 28/09/2025 16:19

nosleepforme · 28/09/2025 16:13

Sorry but once a month is minimal contact! I speak daily or every two days. Dh speaks once a week but on the advice of therapists, it’s a very short conversation and he doesn’t share anything personal. But I’d still expect him to continue checking in on them once a week. If it were a bigger gap, like once a month I’d be disappointed in dh, that’s not a relationship.

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If your DH has needed advice from therapists on his relationship with his parents and that advice is surface level short phone calls, it sounds like there is negative history there to say the least. So why on earth would you be disappointed in him for reducing contact? Why is it even your business! Sorry, not the point of the thread.

nosleepforme · 28/09/2025 16:18

Luxio · 28/09/2025 16:15

I find it odd so many are focusing on the monthly calls. It sounds like the OP and her son communicate very frequently just not by phone.

Show quote history

It’s a way to demonstrate closeness.
if you feel you can be close to your child speaking 12 times a year, then good for you. No one said they weren’t in contact.

telephoneted · 28/09/2025 16:17

I got married and didn’t tell DM - it happens!

Edited to add: I speak to DM on the phone weekly!!

Original poster

Mumsier · 28/09/2025 16:15

nosleepforme · 28/09/2025 16:13

Sorry but once a month is minimal contact! I speak daily or every two days. Dh speaks once a week but on the advice of therapists, it’s a very short conversation and he doesn’t share anything personal. But I’d still expect him to continue checking in on them once a week. If it were a bigger gap, like once a month I’d be disappointed in dh, that’s not a relationship.

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I guess every family is different, I wouldn't want to call every week, I prefer one longer chat a month, DS1 and DS2 are the same.

OP posts:

Luxio · 28/09/2025 16:15

nosleepforme · 28/09/2025 16:13

Sorry but once a month is minimal contact! I speak daily or every two days. Dh speaks once a week but on the advice of therapists, it’s a very short conversation and he doesn’t share anything personal. But I’d still expect him to continue checking in on them once a week. If it were a bigger gap, like once a month I’d be disappointed in dh, that’s not a relationship.

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I find it odd so many are focusing on the monthly calls. It sounds like the OP and her son communicate very frequently just not by phone.

Original poster

Mumsier · 28/09/2025 16:14

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 28/09/2025 16:10

I think once a month for a call is quite distant to be honest. DH calls his parents every week. I see mine weekly because they help with childcare. But weird he didn’t tell you. Maybe it was going to be a surprise?

I think calls really depend on personality and lifestyle. DS hates calls, he always has, he used to try and avoid being home if he knew my sister was going to call! He updates the group chat most days, sends random pics (usually of meals or cool cars he has seen), I think he just prefers to text.

OP posts:

nosleepforme · 28/09/2025 16:13

Mumsier · 28/09/2025 15:50

We all chat a lot in the group chat, life updates, memes, holiday pics, rants about work etc. To me one call a month is very normal for an adult child who has a social life etc.

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Sorry but once a month is minimal contact! I speak daily or every two days. Dh speaks once a week but on the advice of therapists, it’s a very short conversation and he doesn’t share anything personal. But I’d still expect him to continue checking in on them once a week. If it were a bigger gap, like once a month I’d be disappointed in dh, that’s not a relationship.

Itiswhysofew · 28/09/2025 16:13

He's aware how social media works, so he must realise that you could hear about it prior to him telling you. It's not on, really.

SixtyTwoPercent · 28/09/2025 16:12

Oh OP, I would be so upset too.

But it doesn't sound like there's any reason for him to have 'not bothered' - your relationship sounds pretty normal for a family separated by distance to me?

It's either he wanted a big reveal in person or other other person has got the wrong end of the stick.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 28/09/2025 16:10

I think once a month for a call is quite distant to be honest. DH calls his parents every week. I see mine weekly because they help with childcare. But weird he didn’t tell you. Maybe it was going to be a surprise?

SliceofTosst · 28/09/2025 16:05

If he wants to do a big announcement then how does his old schoolfriend's mum get to hear first?

I'd be put out too.

AngelofIslington · 28/09/2025 16:03

Could he maybe have discussed that it is something he was going to do in the future with his friend and it hasn’t actually happened yet

JudgeJ · 28/09/2025 16:03

lnks · 28/09/2025 15:44

You're obviously not close to your ds and so this might be the reason he has not got around to telling you yet.

Then presumably he will not be expecting engagement or even wedding gifts from his mother if she isn't worth a phone call.

Princesspollyyy · 28/09/2025 16:02

That’s incredibly hurtful op. You shouldn’t have had to find out through someone else like that. I would be upset.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 28/09/2025 16:00

Yanbu at all, i am so sorry

I would be wanting to find out what the issue is. Is he upset with you? A phone call once a month isnt enough imo either

I definitely wouldnt say anything to her, but the fiance should've told him to contact you, or tried to contact you herself?!

There's something not right here, op, i would be trying to find out what it is xx

Musicaltheatremum · 28/09/2025 16:00

I don't phone my son very often but we do text. He's just not very "phoney" person and I think he's just tired by the end of the day. We are still very close and get on very well when he is around. He's in London, I'm in Edinburgh. My daughter is about 20 minutes away. We text a few times a week and she calls every week or so if we haven't seen each other for a while. She occasionally pops in on her way from work. You don't have to be calling all the time to be close as long as there is some communication.
I do wonder if OPs son wants to tell her in person and someone else has let the cat out of the bag.

Vaguelyclassical · 28/09/2025 15:57

caringcarer · 28/09/2025 15:44

It's poor he didn't want to share this happy news with you and you had to find out from a random. I'd tell him I was upset to find out like that. Might make him think a bit more next time.

Derailing thread, but how is a woman known to OP a "random" human being? I honestly don't understand how the meaning of this word has changed so much recently!

Comedycook · 28/09/2025 15:56

I'd be very hurt...wait and see what he says though...let's hope it's because he wanted to do a big announcement