DS got engaged and never told me

Once a month seems bit much at all. Although, all families have their own dynamic. I tend to feel once a week is a minimum to still be considered close if you asked me to define

So many know it alls about what is a close relationship or not…when they have no idea. Frequency doesn’t indicate anything at all, those conversations could be shallow and merely dutiful. Closeness is the CONTENT of the conversations…and known only to the participants.

So much judgement around how often you should be calling and visiting each other. When I was in my twenties my mum and I spoke about once or twice a month. This gradually increased in my thirties when I settled down a bit more. The fact you message most days demonstrates closeness from my perspective!

In any case, that’s not what you asked about, and my first thought was he was going to surprise you. Which I see from your update he was! So sad to see the news got out but sweet of him 💛

Yes my first thought was that perhaps they want to tell you the news in person. Of course you mean a lot to him which shows as he's upset that the news has reached you before they had a chance to tell you in their own way.

Yes, that's what a relative here did. The bride's parents knew about it because they live in the same village as the couple, but they waited until they saw the groom's parents in person and had the ring - they live down in England.

@mumsier I'd be hurt too. I'm sure there is a reason for it, probably they wanted to tell you in person or something particular.

And just as an FYI - my mum lives miles away so we only see her maybe 3-4 times a year, she calls me more often than I call her but I wouldn't say we aren't close. Just that we have our own lives and checking in happens via whatsapp more often than calls.

So glad it ended positively. I hope my son becomes as thoughtful as yours when he's older - how absolutely wonderful that they thought to surprise you and visit on your anniversary. That says a lot. Have a lovely time.

I would be gutted. However I talk to my sons at least every other day and see the ones who live out of state 4-5 times a year. The thought of going a month without speaking to my son is unbearable. I do
know that our situation Is somewhat unusual.

@Mumsier i don’t think your family are weird or not close, I only used to travel home to Scotland from London twice, maybe three times a year. Such a long journey, you had to stay for a decent length of time to make it worth it. Also don’t phone each other a lot, we’d run out of interesting things to talk about! Like you we send pics and links and any amusing little things we’ve seen or heard and we enjoy that!

Ah, that's great news!

Wow people are very quick to judge whether parents and kids are "close" according to their own arbitrary standards! Some families just don't really talk on the phone much. My dad literally never phones me and I only phone if I have something I specifically need to ask him. My mum and I speak on the phone occasionally. I visit two or three times a year with my kids and have a lovely time. There's a family WhatsApp which is sometimes active with a few texts in a week, sometimes not, we share big news and a few holiday snaps. We all love each other and that's normal for us!

Lovely news OP, congratulations all round. Enjoy your time together and Happy 30th Anniversary 🎉.

Well then it is even more mysterious that he hasn't told you. Do you get on with the partner?

Whilst it's really very strange he hasn't told you I also find your lack of contact unusual and would say you aren't very close at all. I find it weird you don't even send one to one messages and that you only speak once a month. My dh who is very laid back and relaxed about things still rings his parents at least once a week and they message more. I speak with my dm once or twice a week. We have a family WhatsApp but also message individually. We don't live near each other and we don't message every day but it would be multiple times a week. I find it weird that he's 26 and you won't now see him till next year. My ds is 16 and I can't imagine not seeing him for that long. Even if he moved to Australia I reckon I'd want to go and visit him. Don't you miss him?

I'm surprised someone only calling their parents once a month. And only visiting twice a year when you're in the same country? I understand everyone is busy, but twice a year?

My DMum lives in the states and I call her daily. My DC live at home now (already grateful to be in London) but we'd call 2/3 a week when they were at uni. Eldest called daily during his masters.

Anyway OP explained that DS wanted to tell parents in person as a suprise.

Glad it's all sorted! And congratulations to your son and his STB-DW!
As far as the phone call thing is concerned, I'm with you OP. I see my dad every few months, usually when work takes me to his locality. We have a family group chat where we chip in every few days. We never ever speak on the phone! And he's a great father, we're close and I love him very much. Different strokes etc!

Oops I didn’t see your update!

I’m glad it’s all cleared up. I was thinking he probably just wanted to tell you in person. Poor lad!

This place is mental sometimes. My children are still children so no experience of adult children yet. However I speak to my mum pretty much everyday, and see her 2-3 times a week. I can't imagine only speaking to her once a month.

BUT that is me, everyone is different, and what 'close' is will be different for everyone. The OPs definition of close isn't mine, but they feel close and are happy with the amount of contact so who is anyone on here to say they aren't close??

And honestly I would expect any person I had almost daily contact with in a group chat and monthly conversations with to tell me if they got engaged! Seriously!

The only real reason not to has turned out to be the truth, the had planned an announcement. I'm glad it has worked out OP.

Fair play to them, my husband had barely got up off one knee and I said we have to tell my mum 😂

OP, a great outcome.

I have 2 DDs in their mid-20s. Both are now working around 180-220 miles from home. We don't speak that often on the phone but we message by text or WA a couple of times per week. When Bake Off is on, DD2 messages throughout the show. I messaged DD1 several times this week as we are trying to organise a meet-up and she rang me this afternoon as it worked for her. DD2 works shifts, so messaging means she can reply when it's convenient. I don't want or need them to call me every day. They and I are independent adults. If they need me, they know where I am.

I do know one deeply irritating person whose son married and only told her after the event. I don't blame him but what a nightmare to have to marry without your mum there because she's so annoying!

It is! Calls mean nothing. My friend speaks to his mother daily out of duty, they are not close

Yes! I would say I'm close to my family but we don't talk much at all. It's lovely when we do though.