Page 3 | DS got engaged and never told me

Mumsier · 2025-09-28T14:39:43+00:00

My eldest DS is 26, he's been with his partner for 2.5 years, they live together, she is lovely. I see DS about twice a year, call about once a month and we have a family group chat active most days. 2 weeks ago DS and his gf went to Portugal (where she is from) on holiday, they sent loads of pics in the group chat. Today while I was doing the shopping I ran into the mum of DS's childhood best friend, we chatted and she said "you must be over the moon at the news" I had no idea what she was talking about which was very embarrassing and then she told me that her DS had mentioned my DS and his partner were engaged. I've messaged DS about it now, but no reply (only messaged an hour ago and I know they are meeting up with friends and going to a gig tonight). DH also didn't know, nor did DS2 or DD. AIBU to be really hurt and confused by this? He never uses his social media and his partner doesn't have any of our family on hers, so there was no way for us to have found out incidentally.

allmymonkeys · 29/09/2025 01:48

My guess is that DS and (now) fiancee wanted to tell you this in person and not by text; and the reason blabbermouth friend's mother knew is that DS had consulted friend about the proposal.

Might be best to act thrilled and surprised when they come back?

bridgetreilly · 29/09/2025 01:20

His brother going through a break up seems pretty relevant here. I’m not surprised he might wait until that’s eased up before announcing it.

You all are weird about needing to talk every day, btw. Fine if that’s what you like, but it’s really not the only way to have a perfectly good family relationship.

Original poster

Mumsier · 29/09/2025 00:55

123GiraffesandCrocodiles · 29/09/2025 00:47

As someone who lives abroad as well, those "filler" conversations are what keeps you close. Talking about the day to day mundane shit is what keeps you involved.

My DH is like your DS and only speaks to his family once a month and the problem is, a lot gets missed out when you only talk about the "big" stuff and the relationship gets more and more polite and formal.

For example, when a tough thing happens, my parents know all about it. My FIL? He gets a 60 second summary after it all happened already and everything is fine again. And in time, that takes away from the closeness. Not just because you don't talk about stuff, but when things get hard you don't call for support (and when things get good, you don't call straight away to celebrate).

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It’s not a strict once a month never more call, when things are hard we will call each other, I don’t see his name on my phone and think nope only been 2 weeks since the last call!
Also our monthly chats are long, like 2-3 hours FaceTime while they cook and eat, last time we had deep conversations about work and life but also a chat about what colour of kitchen tiles they want on the floor and whether using hand painted snowboards as art was weird, it’s not at all formal. We make time for those longer monthly chats but I still get the odd “I’m trying to make chicken and rice soup but it’s going horribly please help me” calls or the “I have a cold and I’m stuck in bed so please tell me how aunt Lorna’s cat is doing in the new house” calls, they are just adhoc and situational compared to the monthly calls.

OP posts:

123GiraffesandCrocodiles · 29/09/2025 00:47

Mumsier · 28/09/2025 21:17

Whilst DS was at uni we spoke to him considerably more than we do now, he was more likely to call while walking home. We also visited him more often as it made sense to at the time.
Things really changed after he went travelling for a year, we realised half our conversations were filler and not actually making us any closer and that we all enjoyed longer but less frequent chats. When we do all call it lasts for hours so probably adds up to more than a couple of 5 minute calls each week!

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As someone who lives abroad as well, those "filler" conversations are what keeps you close. Talking about the day to day mundane shit is what keeps you involved.

My DH is like your DS and only speaks to his family once a month and the problem is, a lot gets missed out when you only talk about the "big" stuff and the relationship gets more and more polite and formal.

For example, when a tough thing happens, my parents know all about it. My FIL? He gets a 60 second summary after it all happened already and everything is fine again. And in time, that takes away from the closeness. Not just because you don't talk about stuff, but when things get hard you don't call for support (and when things get good, you don't call straight away to celebrate).

Pryceosh1987 · 29/09/2025 00:36

I would be happy for them. Easy comes easy goes.

Whyisthedoginthetree · 29/09/2025 00:35

BlackOtter · 29/09/2025 00:18

Yes, so nasty. So f*g insensitive. Who the hell
are they to judge? They don’t know either of the parties. MN is such shitty place sometimes.

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To be fair, it’s a lesson to not run straight to mumsnet saying you are hurt and telling your tale without bothering to find out the facts.

OP apparently has a good relationship with her son and his partner, so it’s quite strange to post on mumsnet about it before you know there is actually any issue. As it turns out, there isn’t an issue. People just like drama. 8 pages when there was no actual problem.

People need to just communicate with the ones in the actual situation, and when posters see an OP not doing that, of course they may read into the situation more than there might be. If my son hasn’t told me some big news in his life, I would know there would be an explanation that wouldn’t be a bad one, because we are close. The last thing I’d do is come on mumsnet and invite comment. 🙄 Drama and attention seeking.

Cornishclio · 29/09/2025 00:29

Maybe he is waiting for a suitable moment. See what he responds to your message.

Speaking daily to DC or DP sounds excessive. Whats app is fine for keeping in touch.

Original poster

Mumsier · 29/09/2025 00:26

whatcanthematterbe81 · 28/09/2025 22:31

How come you only see him twice a year? That’s so sad

Well like I said we all have our own lives, hobbies and friends which are the main reason but also his partners family are split between Portugal and Italy, my parents live in Ireland and don’t really like to travel anymore (they will travel for weddings or big events but find it stressful so limit the frequency). If they see us 2 times a year, her mum 2 times a year, her dad 2 times a year + my parents once a year that’s already travelling to or hosting family every other month, add in personal travel, visiting her uni friends in Paris, going to sporting events, I’m not sure they actually have time to see us anymore than that!

OP posts:

BlackOtter · 29/09/2025 00:18

Funnywonder · 28/09/2025 23:00

There are some right arseholes on this thread yakking on about whether the OP is close to her son. Being close can look different for different people/families. Why is that so difficult to understand? Honestly, pick pick pick like a bunch of fucking vultures.

I’m glad it all came good in the end OP.

Yes, so nasty. So f*g insensitive. Who the hell
are they to judge? They don’t know either of the parties. MN is such shitty place sometimes.

stovokor · 29/09/2025 00:13

Mumsier · 28/09/2025 18:05

All is good, he called me and said that they are coming up next weekend for our 30th wedding anniversary as a surprise and they were planning to tell us then as it felt apt, he hadn’t considered that his friend might blab and his friend only knows as they had met up for drinks when they got back from Portugal with his partner and she was wearing the ring. He seemed genuinely upset that it had gotten out before he could tell us and says they deliberately hadn’t posted it anywhere on socials or told anyone who hadn’t seen the ring to avoid it.

Ahh, just caught up! I knew it!

stovokor · 29/09/2025 00:09

Mumsier · 28/09/2025 15:53

I don't know it's the same amount I see my DS who lives in Edinburgh, I see DD more as she is local but we don't call more. Both meet ups are a week in length, one where we visit him and one where they visit us.

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Some people come on here especially to try and knock others down. You know your relationship better than some rando on the internet, just ignore them!

I bet your son was planing on telling you in person x

zazazaaar · 28/09/2025 23:57

lnks · 28/09/2025 15:44

You're obviously not close to your ds and so this might be the reason he has not got around to telling you yet.

Rubbish. At 26 I barely saw my parents as I lived far away. I had my own life. We are super close now at 50.

Duckduckagogo · 28/09/2025 23:55

I've seen this post before, a while back.

MCF86 · 28/09/2025 23:51

I don't understand what people talk about if they are calling each other every day or two!
I do see my parents once a week, but I never spesk to my mum on the phone, and my dad only if he calls while he's at Asda the day before we are going, to ask my son what he'll want for tea! I tell them both anything and everything, just not every day!

Theroadt · 28/09/2025 23:43

But when you say “we prefer” maybe ha and his fiancee don’t have the same view? I get why you’re upset, but use what has happened to work out a relationship that is positive to both sides going forwards. A family chat is not the same as a 1:1 chat.

nettie434 · 28/09/2025 23:05

Glad that it has all been sorted. I felt for you getting so many replies suggesting that you were not close. Frequency of contact isn't the only thing that indicates closeness. Otherwise we would not have any of those posts on Mumsnet in which the poster describes how family members (usually parents in law) have keys to their house and let themselves in every day, despite this not being what the poster wants at all.

Funnywonder · 28/09/2025 23:00

There are some right arseholes on this thread yakking on about whether the OP is close to her son. Being close can look different for different people/families. Why is that so difficult to understand? Honestly, pick pick pick like a bunch of fucking vultures.

I’m glad it all came good in the end OP.

LadyRoughDiamond · 28/09/2025 22:50

Glad all’s well - I really felt for you.

AliceMaforethought · 28/09/2025 22:46

Daygloboo · 28/09/2025 17:24

It could be worse. My cousin and his wife have 4 daughters and they are all really close. Lots of regular get together, all the boyfriends get on, big family meals etc. One day, out of the blue, one if the daughters snd her boyfriend went on holiday and got married then told everyone when they got back. Lots of nice pictures of them in a beach but just the two of them. My cousin was livid snd didn't speak to his daughter or her new husband for 6 months.

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How incredibly childish of your cousin.

FirstdatesFred · 28/09/2025 22:41

To me it hints at the fact he's not totally sure about it.
Or it will be one of those engagements that goes on for 15 years and they never actually get married.

Let's wait for the mn post from his fiancée:

^AIBU my DP proposed but hasn't told his family we're engaged....
^
🚩

LeBonBon · 28/09/2025 22:38

Reading so many replies from people who just "know" all about OP's relationship with her son is baffling. Trying to ram the idea that they are not as close as she thinks whilst she worries about not knowing why she's been kept in the dark - talk about kicking a woman whilst she's down!

I knew they must have been waiting to tell you in person OP. My DB and I are close to our DMum. I chose to facetime her when I got engaged, mainly because it was COVID times, we were abroad, and I didn't know when I would see her in person. Turns out my DH had told her his plans beforehand so she had been waiting patiently for my call! My DB likes to deliver "big news" in person, that's just his style.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend celebrating all the good news!

schoollane · 28/09/2025 22:35

I never ring my mum and dad really any more. Message in group chat every day or so and we do see them probably 4 - 5x a year for a decent chunk each time. I adore them, they are the best parents ever.

Enjoy seeing your son next weekend OP 😍 your family sounds great you must be very proud.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 28/09/2025 22:32

Mumsier · 28/09/2025 21:26

I’ve already updated, he called, he was planning to surprise us with a visit next week for our wedding anniversary and tell us then.

I get on either his partner very well, she’s lovely and when we visit or they visit us she always offers to go for lunch with just me or similar.

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Sorry didn’t read it all. This is so lovely

whatcanthematterbe81 · 28/09/2025 22:31

How come you only see him twice a year? That’s so sad

ButWhether · 28/09/2025 22:27

telephoneted · 28/09/2025 16:17

I got married and didn’t tell DM - it happens!

Edited to add: I speak to DM on the phone weekly!!

Edited

Me too. I didn’t tell anyone for several years afterwards, and I’m very fond of my parents.