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Original poster

My cousin’s daughter didn’t invite me to her wedding and I feel deeply hurt

36 replies

Amiterriblex3 · 28/09/2025 11:46

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/sep/28/my-cousins-daughter-didnt-invite-me-to-her-wedding-and-i-feel-deeply-hurt

My cousin is older than me and I have always enjoyed a close relationship with her children, despite not living nearby. Her daughter was my bridesmaid, and after we emigrated when she was a teenager I became a distant mentor – cheering on her ambitions and inviting her to spend a post-uni gap year using our home as a base. She has a great independent streak and quickly found her feet, and became close with my own children, some of whom now live near her in the UK. We all get together regularly when I visit each summer. She’s always had access to our holiday cottage, and we let her stay rent-free in our daughter’s university flat while she was saving for a mortgage.

I was delighted when she got engaged, but heard nothing for months apart from a note from her mum to say they were looking forward to the wedding. It later transpired that she had decided to have an intimate affair. I was sad, of course, but as they didn’t have a big budget I understood, and watched the date come and go.
I thought I was OK about it, but then she sent me photos showing all the trimmings of a “proper” wedding, with a gushing account of her wonderful day with “family and close friends”. I felt absolutely bereft.
I have been trying to rationalise my emotional response. I feel foolish for investing time, effort and goodwill in someone who doesn’t “appreciate” it enough to include me in their life’s key moments. I don’t feel as if I was ever transactional in being there for her, and she has voiced her appreciation, but something about it has deeply hurt and upset me.

This struck a cord with me for some reason. I would be furious if they hadn't invited me... and it's an excellent example of how people are willing to take, take, take and reciprocate nothing in return.

My cousin’s daughter didn’t invite me to her wedding and I feel deeply hurt | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

You have done a lot for her over the years and understandably feel rejected, but this could be the start of a more adult relationship with her

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/sep/28/my-cousins-daughter-didnt-invite-me-to-her-wedding-and-i-feel-deeply-hurt

OP posts:
pancakestastelikecrepe · 28/09/2025 13:36

I have given up on 'reciprocation'. Not the same, but adjacent, I have a holiday home in Tuscany, Italy. Over the years, I've invited (whilst there) lots of friends to come over and enjoy it, and also to borrow it (without me hosting). One friend and her daughter, have visited several times (the daughter also having been allowed to visit with her friends). They did not include me in a recent 'get together' at their family (UK based) beach hut. Initially I thought perhaps they didn't think it's comparable as a 'return' gesture, but then came to conclusion it would be nice to be asked, regardless?
The older I get, the more I am realising that some people are just very comfortable being CFs and have 'see, want, have' mentality'?

PinkPanther57 · 28/09/2025 13:34

TheNightingalesStarling · 28/09/2025 13:22

On the face of it the bride and groom seem rude and unappreciative.

However I wonder if it was a case of having to draw a line somewhere and not wanting to feel obliged to invite all their parents cousins?

People should surely communicate better & have better manners in these cases. Possibly you are spot on & It may very well be the case. I’d organise a lunch & explain my reasonable reasons for not inviting if so.

cariadlet · 28/09/2025 13:30

A cousin's daughter isn't a close relative.

The writer chose to help the girl out. Presumably, she thanked the writer at the time and showed that she appreciated what the writer chose to do.

It's never a good idea to give in order to receive and if the writer expected to be invited to the wedding in payment for what she had done then she turned it into a transactional relationship.

The writer clearly views the relationship differently from her younger relative who is perfectly entitled to just invite close family and friends if that's what she wanted.

The bride sent pictures so isn't cutting off the writer now that she's got what she can from her. The writer needs to realise that they aren't as close as she assumed they were.

PinkPanther57 · 28/09/2025 13:22

Lougle · 28/09/2025 13:18

I was another one who was going to say YABU until I read that you let her use your holiday home and that she used your daughter's university flat rent free. She should have invited you.

This isn’t OP though (?) Just resonated with her re: what people are like (?)

TheNightingalesStarling · 28/09/2025 13:22

On the face of it the bride and groom seem rude and unappreciative.

However I wonder if it was a case of having to draw a line somewhere and not wanting to feel obliged to invite all their parents cousins?

Lougle · 28/09/2025 13:18

I was another one who was going to say YABU until I read that you let her use your holiday home and that she used your daughter's university flat rent free. She should have invited you.

PinkPanther57 · 28/09/2025 13:17

ToadRage · 28/09/2025 13:11

I understand you being hurt after all you have done and offered for this girl. Have you spoken to her or you cousin about how this made you feel? It's many years before my cousin's daughter will marry (she is 8), she was my flower girl, we are close and I would definitely be hurt if they didn't invite me. If you live abroad she may have thought its too far or too expensive (I'm not saying you would but I have heard of people expecting the bride and groom to pay for their flights, hotel etc.). While I think it would be fair to withdraw all the nice things you do for her don't go down the route of 'well you didn't invite us to your wedding' if she asks for something and I really hope you didn't fork out to send her a gift. There is little you can do after the event and they may be completely oblivious to the relationship you think you have with her.

Edited

The OP isn’t person in article I think? Good advice but personally I would send a gift, go high when they go low.

ToadRage · 28/09/2025 13:11

I understand you being hurt after all you have done and offered for this girl. Have you spoken to her or you cousin about how this made you feel? It's many years before my cousin's daughter will marry (she is 8), she was my flower girl, we are close and I would definitely be hurt if they didn't invite me. If you live abroad she may have thought its too far or too expensive (I'm not saying you would but I have heard of people expecting the bride and groom to pay for their flights, hotel etc.). While I think it would be fair to withdraw all the nice things you do for her don't go down the route of 'well you didn't invite us to your wedding' if she asks for something and I really hope you didn't fork out to send her a gift. There is little you can do after the event and they may be completely oblivious to the relationship you think you have with her.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/09/2025 13:07

Yanbu. This is someone who is close enough to you to have lived with you, and reveive cree holiday and uni accommodation from you, which you gave because of the relationship so of course its hurtful that you weren't invited. I'd be pulling back on the favours

PinkPanther57 · 28/09/2025 13:01

If me I’d call the family out on it in a non confrontational way. I imagine it’s not personal & they have a history of similar.

ACynicalDad · 28/09/2025 12:57

Based on the headline I was ready to say up to the bride, having read it I don’t think they’d be using the holiday cottage again if it was mine.

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