My cousin’s daughter didn’t invite me to her wedding and I feel deeply hurt

I’d be changing the locks on the holiday cottage forthwith!

No need for any drama or discussion.
Instead just match her effort. So no more invites and free stays for her.

The older I get the more I realise there are two types of people. Type 1 you do a favour for, help out and support - they will be thankful, grateful and will remember even looking for ways to reciprocate at some point even years ahead. Not transactional but in an acknowledging way. Type 2 you do a favour for, help out and support. Ummmm they did this for me, perhaps they will a little bit more and more until you are unable to (CF territory) and then you will be cut you off and they move on to the next. Takers and users.

Had I been the mother of the bride, I would have been reminding the young woman of writer's generosity and care over the years. One/two extra guests at your wedding when you have been able to stay in their flat to save for a mortgage, on top of everything else is a small price to pay.

The OP is right to be miffed. No one wants to be taken for a mug. I hope she turns off the tap but she sounds like someone who would have sent them a large cheque.

I thought I was OK about it, but then she sent me photos showing all the trimmings of a “proper” wedding, with a gushing account of her wonderful day with “family and close friends”. I felt absolutely bereft.

Bloody hell, either that woman is dumb or nasty. What a message to have sent.

Guardian reader, if you’re reading this, I hope you cut this selfish twat out of your life and no longer let her stay in your holiday cottage.

you've done so much for her, more than a lot of mothers do.

I definitely wouldn't be letting her stay in any property from now on. You've paid for some of that wedding by letting her live rent free and she doesn't have the decency or respect to invite you to her wedding but I bet she expected a cash present?

so so cheeky, pull away from her, concentrate on your own family. I can't believe how selfish and self centred some people can be.
I can't believe the people voting that you are the unreasonable one either.

Yes I know but others were responding as if OP’s personal experience.

The thread title is lifted from a Guardian article. The OP is not involved personally.

Saying it would be an intimate affair & the photos not actually backing that up, would be considered a lie, to me. This would make me sceptical and wonder what she really thought of me?

I wouldn't actually confront it though. I'd just stop any generosity towards her.

I would be hurt also op. I do consider my cousins children to be close relatives. I’m closer to some than others but I work to foster and grow familial relationships within the family around weddings holidays at great work and expense to myself.

with that said I would not say anything about the lack of wedding invite. I would enjoy the pictures comment positively on them and allow myself time to heal or come to an ok place with the exclusion from the wedding. Personally I would of send a card or gift. Not invited no gift. It’s not going low it’s just it going there at all since you were not included

I absolutely would cease all freebies….flat holiday home etc. these luxuries simply are no longer available for free to any family member. “I’m sorry but no it’s not available” match their energy and effort . No effort to include you no effort to endow them with fabulous (imo) freebies. She may be immature or not thoughful and not realize the value of all you have done for her but surely her parents should have

I think the days of super large, invite everyone you know weddings are over - it is just too expensive. The new generation tend to want smaller more intimate weddings. Whilst I would be disappointed not to get an invite - I think I would accept that it is the couple's choice. You never know - if they invited this person - it may mean they have to invite other "Mums & Dads cousins" which could mean a lot of extra expense.

People seem to insist on involving people who don’t give a shit about them at their weddings & skimp on those who do. I’s a pattern I’ve seen a lot - eg inviting work mates or ‘friends’ you never see again. Or girlfriends / boyfriends of mates instead of neices and cousins who you don’t even recognise 5 years down the line. In my opinion if you can’t afford to invite the people closest to you to your wedding you need to downsize the wedding until you can.

The OP thought that they were close, that doesn't mean that they were. Even the article says that the cousin's daughter hung out with the op's kids rather than with her. Which seems obvious to me. She was close with the relations that are her own age, not with their parents.

Most of us have experienced the shock of discovering we are not as important to another person as that person is to us. It's just life, not something to complain about. And the groom presumably had as much input into the guest list as the bride, and may never even have met the complainer.

We have a similar situation (although not exactly the same) in our family. Family members who you thought you were close to not inviting you to events when you had always made a big effort to see them and help them when you could. I am quite surprised at how much it does hurt especially when you had a close realtionship for years but ultimately I think you have to accept and move on. Send them love and good wishes and spend your time with those who appreciate you. I wonder when younger family members grow up the whole family relationships change anyway. Don't take it personally and accept the new dynamic with grace rather than bitterness (and the holiday cottage would be unfortunately be booked up on next booking request).

But they were close, whatever the official relationship was.

I think it can be easy for children and young people to take for granted the support they receive. I don’t necessarily mean in an entitled/spoilt way, but just that that’s what surrounds them and they don’t realise it’s unusual. A bit like not realising how hard aspects of parenting are until you have kids yourself and look back differently on everything. She may not have realised how exceptional it is to have this kind of support from someone like her parent’s cousin. That’s not to excuse the thoughtlessness, but just that it may be a more common kind of lack of generational empathy rather than an overt disregard for closeness and kindness. I’d hope one day she might thank the writer as an adult for her earlier care.

This is really sad and I'd be very hurt too.

It really is hard to get over when you learn you are not as close to someone as you thought you were. You can only match your actions to this new knowledge going forward, but it does take the emotions a while to catch up.

I'd pull back on the all favours. The Guardian's OP saw this woman as family but the feeling isn't reciprocated so no need for all the family goodies.

If someone had been so generous to me, I like to think I'd definitely have invited them.

I share your feelings too OP. Too often we read in Mumsnet 'your wedding your rules' when leaving close family out of weddings but at the end of the day you are making choices that may affect people that feel close to you. The relationship may change forever.

At the end of the day the girl is your second cousin. What is the age gap? Perhaps they were keeping it to immediate family and when you look at both families, if there are brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, then that already mounts up.

The child of a cousin in most cases wouldn’t be described as close family. But in the scenario described, the relationship sounds very close…more like a close aunt/niece relationship. Or an invested Godmother.

I think it would be perfectly fair for the author to reevaluate the relationship. It’s clearly not so important to the younger family member. So match them on their level.

@CatMum27my male cousin did a similar thing at his wedding. It was completely dominated by the bride’s side and very expensive. But it was all about her day and not the marriage…it was finished within 2 years. He’s now on marriage number 3.

That's really rubbish, and I also agree with your point about being 'honest'.

Oh! I misunderstood. I thought the OP was giving us her story and saying that article resonated.

The writer needs to realise that they aren't as close as she assumed they were.

This is a painful lesson to learn. I've had similar with my closest friend. Only it turns out I was much lower down the pecking order in her eyes. It shatters your confidence.

Similar happened to me. My cousin got married and we were given few details of the day other than that due to space we would have evening invites only. Fair enough.

When we turned up it became apparent that this wasn’t really true as we made our way across the massive ballroom full to the brim with the bride’s family and assorted friends. We then had to wait in the corner with the rest of the groom’s side while everyone finished their dinner as they were running late. Turns out that none of the groom’s family had been invited to the day, just a couple of hours in the evening, Again, their wedding their choice but I can’t deny it hurt.

My dad was in very poor health at the time and evenings out were very hard (so for this reason a day invite would have been easier for him) but he made the effort for his nephew. He died not long after and while obviously no one knew this would happen it’s a bit of a crappy last family event memory.

Honesty in these things is always the best policy. If they had just said look, it’s the bride’s day and she wants her people there then it would have stung but would have been less embarrassing than walking across that ballroom!