Find Xmas too depressing as I get older

The only thing I miss now that I'm older is my parents and the energy to bustle and make a big fuss of the day.

I like Christmas Eve better anyway.

DH and I (early 40s, no kids) have decided we're removing ourselves from Christmas day obligations from now on, and will just be doing our own thing.

My Christmases were amazing as a child, partly because my mum is one of 9 siblings, so there were huge family get togethers. But also because I loved getting new toys and believing in santa!

As an adult, I love December and all of the festive decor and drinks and dinners out, but hate the commercialism that's rammed down your throat.

We've hosted our siblings and parents several times, and I find the day claustrophobic and expensive and such a lot of work. I hate being cooped up indoors watching shit tv.

We've got toddler nieces and nephews now, and I think the expectation is that we should be desperate to spend Christmas with them and see them open their presents, but I honestly couldn't care less. And I don't want to spend my time off work driving here, there and everywhere.

I think an issue for us too, is we live like kings all year round, eating and drinking well and buying whatever we like. And I don't like greed. So Christmas rolls around and I'm not fussed about mince pies and Stilton and pate and chocolate.

We're doing it on our own this year, and booking a log cabin in the Scottish Highlands for next year (we've missed the boat for Christmas 2025).

When my adult DC are at their outlaws we have a really selfish, indulgent time. We eat out, see friends and I have a real ‘year off’. Buy yourself a really expensive bottle of bubble bath and body lotion and have a really pamper-y few days.

Absolutely this - I'm not remotely religious but attended a beautiful little church round the corner for their carol service. It was so welcoming that I also attended their outdoor carol singing in the local park.
Start researching local events happening in the run up - concerts, theatre, amateur theatre etc. You can't help catching the festive spirit - it's there if you look for it. Don't be afraid to go it alone.
Look for opportunities to help others have a better christmas.
Start some Christmas crafts in the run up - make your own cards (button cards are easy and charming) , do a beautiful 1000 piece Christmas jigsaw. Mine's Santa's Workshop this year.
Watch Christmas movies.
Reminisce with DM. You are so lucky to have great Christmas memories.
Think "cosy Christmas" for DM on the day itself. Christmas throws, snacks, films.
It's just different OP - it can still be lovely.

It evolves. We had fabulous Christmases when t he DC were small and grandparents came to stay.

Now DS & DIL are in SA, our mothers are 89 and can't travel and 240 and 100 miles away. For the last few years DH and I have explained split up rather than leave a mother alone at Christmas. DD will go to bi's family this year.

I so look forward to a quiet Christmas sat home with DH. It will have changed but it will be better than now.

For the now @TweedledumTweedleddee perhaps connect with what Christmas is about and go to church in advent at least. The Christmas day mass/service is always uplifting.

DH and I usually go to Covent Garden the week before.

Exactly. There's no need for it to be in everyone's face from September onwards.

I have never cooked a traditional Xmas dinner ( I'm mid 60s) or hosted. Nor spent Xmas Day with other people. Always had lovely peaceful ones when dcs were small...we didnt have much extended family and chose not to see ones we had.
Dd visits the week before Xmas then spends it with friends. Dh and I are going to a cottage by the sea from 23rd for a week. He has small grandchildren so we will drop gifts off before we go.
I ignore traditions and just do exactly what I want to do without getting sucked in to the whole commercialism.

Me too! We do have the family round for dinner but I don’t decorate- I know it’s a cliche but it is too commercialised - Christmas stuff in the shops in September - how do you explain to kids that it’s 3 moths away?

And for those who say ‘it helps people spread the cost’ just put the money aside.

bah humbug!

But different for me, because Christmas when I was child wasn’t great.
Can you start some new traditions which you like? Even if those are, we don’t bloody do Christmas? You can make it work for you and have it any way you want it.

For me, the tree goes up first weekend in December. I always buy one or two baubles throughout the year at places we’ve been to, so it’s nice to hang all those and reminisce about the good times we’ve had, always starts it off well!

I buy Christmas scented candles (dirty cheap in January!) because for me smells are evocative and it puts me in a good mood.

I also do a really big food bank shop. I support them throughout the year, but I go all out at Christmas (having checked first what they actually want) and I donate toys/clothes/gifts to a local women’s refuge. It’s nice to think you’ve helped someone have something a bit special to eat, or something nice to open, on Christmas Day.
And I’ve volunteered on Christmas Day a few times, serving food at homeless shelters. That’s an option if you fancy it?

Like a lot of people I find Christmas and New Year a very difficult time. It's a real sense of relief for me when life takes on a semblance of normality in January.

But I am very lucky in that my son visits me at Christmas and we have a lovely day - going for a walk, eating nice food that bears no relation to what is generally regarded as traditional Christmas food, playing card games and scrabble. We do our own thing and don't bother what other people are up to. Apart from feeling a lot of sympathy for the countless others for who Christmas day is just another day of hardship or loneliness.

Honestly OP you can still find things to enjoy at Christmas without making your self unhappy hankering after the past.

I have felt like this since my kids stopped believing in Santa. Also on my own with kids so sometimes they are at their dads and I just dread it. I went away on holiday and had the best Christmas ever one year. I’d do that every year if I could but it doesn’t fit with work. Is going to Tenerife or such like an option?

I think the way to make the best of it is to change your expectations. You can’t have the magical childhood Christmas, but you can have a lovely low key Christmas with people you love. Try to enjoy it for what it is, because there will come a time when you are looking back nostalgically at this too.

I could have written the OP and was thinking the same thing. I am also 60.

Childhood Christmases were happy chaos with family staying over. Then when we had children we had Christmas Day at ours with my parents staying over and my in laws visiting.

Echo the empty chairs feeling as this will be the third Christmas since we lost 4 close relatives in the last few months of 2023. That year we were a bit in shock and last year felt odd.

However I agree with the points about counting your blessings and might look outwards a bit this year and do some voluntary work/ charity gift giving.

YANBU. Christmas is my least favourite time of year. Since my DM died three years ago, my DF comes to stay for 4 days (I'm an only child, no room at his house, 3 hours away) and we go to my ILs for lunch. All sounds fine but DF and ILs are quite grinchy about Christmas, the food is awful, my DF just counts down until the pub is open. So I always feel quite down despite trying really hard to put a front on.

I'm only 32 and think Christmas will only improve if we decide to have kids and can focus on them instead. Honestly I would love to escape Christmas on holiday but could never leave my DF by himself.

Feel so envious of the lovely big family Christmases and people who enjoy each other's company and the holidays.

I don't particularly like Xmas either - never have. I have been nursing for 30 years this year and have always had to work a lot of the Xmas period. My DC are young adults now and of course the magic isn't there anymore.

Still have to be grateful for all we have Tragically DD best friend died a few weeks back, early 20s and it has brought a lot of perspective to the pretty insignificant things that I moan about. So this year we will raise a glass to her and be thankful we have each other.

I would suggest that you stop dwelling on the past and focus on the present and future. Life moves on inevitably and this means leaving behind stages and circumstances that brought us happiness. It's fine to remember them, even wistfully at times, but your eyes should be ahead not looking over your own shoulder, otherwise you don't make the most of whats in front of you. So this one day of the year isn't as it was. And from what you say, there really isn't any way realistically to make that one day anything more than quiet pleasant and peaceful.
So accept that and uplift yourself with other experiences you can have in and around the day. There are loads of options that don't require a big young family.Theatre, shows, dinner events, Christmas markets, short breaks, winter walks, Carol services if that's your thing, live music, all sorts of things for people who are the age where they can largely do as they please.
Try something new, lots of new things in fact, and make a new festive period rather than feeling you need to bd satisfied with the scraps of a former one, and by the time the Big Day arrives, you'll be glad of the rest

I agree with PP to think outside your norm. You must get your dh on board and let him know you need him to make an effort and be involved because you are feeling depressed already. I'd still decorate, put up a tree and lights. Talk with your mum as well. She might be interested in something different, too.

‘Thoroughly unprepared, we take the step into the afternoon of life. Worse still, we take this step with the false presupposition that our truths and our ideals will serve us as hitherto.

But we cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life’s morning, for what was great in the morning will be little at evening and what in the morning was true, at evening will have become a lie.’

Carl Gustav Jung

I used to love Christmas but nowadays it’s bittersweet.

I have dear adult children who also yearn for the Christmases of the past, but no grandchildren yet(and I may genuinely not get any).

Christmas now just emphasises the ‘empty chairs’ and the memory of the people who used to celebrate with us but are no longer here, is just too poignant sometimes.

I’m very jolly at Christmas and go to trouble…but I secretly dread it and am relieved when it’s over!

Can the 3 of you afford to/able to go somewhere abroad for Christmas to somewhere where it’s not as big a deal as it is here?

As soon as my kids flee the nest, not wishing their lives away honestly, dh and I will be spending Christmas abroad - somewhere warm.

I think that’s a normal feeling OP. I adore Christian’s and now I’m and adult I try to recreate special memories with my DC, not just the day itself but in the build up. We do panto, light trails, Santa visit, vsiit to the garden centre to see the Christmas displays, and crafts etc. not sure how old your DGC are but can you involve yourself in those things? We don’t see our parents on Xmas day but we all have a big family get together Boxing Day where we have pie and peas and party games for the kids.

I feel like you OP. It would be more fun to go away or do something different, but there's my mum to consider.

Try a carol service or two- you'll get the hustle and bustle, candles, people of all ages, the joy of singing together. And then afterwards the quiet day with 3 people won't seem so bad.

I completely agree OP, it depresses me too and I can’t wait for it to be over - I hate all the expectations, forced fun and trying to please everyone.

I would say though, that all those big family gatherings you hear about are probably really stressful and many of the people involved are only there because they feel they should be.

In the kindest way possible, you need to get a grip.

You need to let go of trying to go back in time to feeling like you did when you were a child and start to appreciate what you have now. You have children and GC, your mum is still with you and you have a hopefully supportive DH. Many do not have any of those things.

It's always a bit annoying when people remind you how rubbish others have it because you think 'well that doesn't help me' but in this instance maybe it will.

You are not on the poverty line stuck in a shelter or temporary accommodation, you're not spending it on a hospital ward or in a war zone and your family is hopefully healthy and happy. You will have food on the table and a nice warm house. The rest is really up to you. You can sit and wallow in nostalgia or start creating a day that you enjoy.

Presumably your DD and family will be with you next year, so it's only one year.Give your head a little wobble and start to appreciate what you do have. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start taking control of your own happiness.