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AIBU?

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Original poster

I think DH is being (a bit) U to MIL... AIBU?

62 replies

AveAtqueVale · 28/09/2025 02:35

DH and MIL have a tricky relationship but on the surface are fairly ok with each other and we see her usually every few weeks (or at least he and the DC do). It's our youngest DC's first birthday next week and she was invited over for birthday tea. She messaged the other day to say 'Thanks for the invite - I suppose it's ok if I bring cousin Lulu (names changed to protect the innocent) who is staying that weekend?' She does this quite often - bringing/ inviting extra people along to stuff - family days out etc. Usually presented as a fait accompli or as a 'you don't mind if Jessica joins us that day?' while Jessica is sitting there smiling at us, so it's impossible to say no! It drives DH mad but we have always just gone along with it to keep the peace.

Anyway, this time DH has decided to say no, mainly because he thinks FIL (very acrimoniously divorced from MIL and has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's) will struggle if MIL comes with back-up from cousin Lulu. He can just about cope with her on her own but DH thinks an extra strange person on her 'side' (MIL and Lulu were not in contact prior to PIL's divorce so he doesn't actually know her) will probably send him into a flap. If it comes down to it DH would rather have FIL happy than MIL plus Lulu in attendance.

So, he sent back a reply saying 'ideally not as will already be a squash' (this is true, we are mid-kitchen renovation - it was meant to be finished by now and is very much not) 'why don't you two come over earlier in the day instead?' MIL argued one more person wouldn't make a difference, DH doubled down, MIL insisted, DH insisted not... upshot is MIL is furious (turns out she had already invited Lulu) and has now said she won't come at all, will post DC's card, and is telling Lulu the whole thing is cancelled due to the kitchen not being finished.

Despite not being generally given to taking MIL's side in things I think DH may be being a bit unreasonable as:
1- we obviously could fit one more person in despite the kitchen situation, so it's a really rubbish excuse
2- FIL is quite likely to bail at the last minute anyway - he has always been a bit flaky with social events and now quite often doesn't feel up to it at the last minute
3- having let the inviting random people to things go on for ages without telling her it annoys him, it's slightly harsh of DH to dig his heels in now when it's actually an event she's really bothered about.

Anyway, I am being outwardly supportive of DH because I think this actually all has a lot more to do with how he's feeling about his dad's diagnosis than it does to do with MIL or Lulu, but privately I think he is being a bit unreasonable!

YABU: DH is fully justified in refusing to back down and let MIL bring Lulu
YANBU: DH ought to pick a different hill to die on

OP posts:
StMichaelPenkevil · 28/09/2025 06:19

It’s great that you’re supporting your husband even though you feel he’s a bit U. It seems that he’s had enough and has drawn a line which is probably well overdue. I expect MIL and Lulu will rock up anyway which will be a challenge to deal with on the day.

Your DH sounds fab TBH and has finally said that enough is enough; you’ve got a good one there.

i now have the song ‘Don’t Bring Lulu’ in my head and this will be the sound Track to my day!

onetrickrockingpony · 28/09/2025 05:32

I also think you should support your husband. That doesn’t mean coming out with flags waving, but he’s taking a stand on something that has annoyed him for a long time - and is coming from a place of genuine concern for another family member - so just give him a bit of quiet support and ride it out.

Agix · 28/09/2025 05:01

Your DH is being reasonable. Who invites people to other people's houses and events.

Support him having his boundaries. Sounds like he needs it with a mum like thar.

Meadowfinch · 28/09/2025 04:47

Any guest who tried to insist on bringing an extra along when I had specifically said "normally would be ok, but on this occasion, not" would be off the guest list permanently. How spectacularly ill mannered !

Your dh is definitely nbu. Your MIL doesn't get to insist on anything, it isn't her home.

Itmakesme · 28/09/2025 04:44

Your MIL doesn’t respect your husbands boundaries. She’s highly manipulative. I know someone who does this - it’s not as bad as not my mother - but it’s generally overall disregarding social norms.

Invited guests only, no need for personal emotional support people, keep the focus on the child having a party etc.

If she cared about your husband she’d respect his no. The fact she can’t is a red flag.

If she cared about your child she wouldn’t invite randoms to his birthday. That’s a red flag.

She will come around. Let her stew. Support your husband who has suffered with this mother.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/09/2025 04:40

I agree with your DH. It was rude of MIL to invite another guest without first checking if it was OK and her reaction to your DH telling her that Lulu can't come is pretty childish and spoilt.

It must have been difficult for your DH to put up with his mum's selfish and entitled behaviour over the years and the one time that he pushes back and says no, I think you should support him.

Summerhillsquare · 28/09/2025 04:34

I see where you are coming from, and am no handmaid, but I think probably your responsibility is to back your husband in dealing with difficult decisions regarding his family.

DPotter · 28/09/2025 03:26

I agree with your DH too. And yes there may well be something of a reaction to his dad's diagnosis and that's totally understandable.

Let him take the lead on his relationship with his mum.

BTW it was totally inaapropriate for your MIL to invite anyone extra to your house, even if the kitchen is the size of the Albert hall. And sometimes just once more is the straw that breaks the camel's back, and what has been allowed to slide is suddenly a hill to die on

FrodoBiggins · 28/09/2025 03:11

I think your husband sounds nice and seems to be doing his best in tricky circumstances. His mum shouldn't have invited a +1 without checking first, if she has to learn that by missing something she wants to attend then so be it.

mummytrex · 28/09/2025 03:08

Also agree with your husband. Even if he hasn't told her that her inviting people irritates him, she will almost certainly have enough awareness to know that it is rude and that she shouldn't do it. Given her reaction, she probably would have probably acted the same regardless of whether a conversation had taken place.

WimpoleHat · 28/09/2025 02:49

You are a kind and generous person, OP - obviously more so than I am, because I’m with your DH on this one. He’s offered an alternative so that she can bring Lulu but that doesn’t suit her. Missing something she wants to go to because of her tendency to invite extras is - to be harsh - probably the best way to cure her of that habit….!

Frozensun · 28/09/2025 02:45

I think your husband is more than reasonable. He made an alternative offer, which MIL has declined. She’s the one that’s escalated, and he is sticking to his boundary. At some stage there needs to be a conversation about extra ‘guests’.