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AIBU?

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Original poster

I think DH is being (a bit) U to MIL... AIBU?

62 replies

AveAtqueVale · 28/09/2025 02:35

DH and MIL have a tricky relationship but on the surface are fairly ok with each other and we see her usually every few weeks (or at least he and the DC do). It's our youngest DC's first birthday next week and she was invited over for birthday tea. She messaged the other day to say 'Thanks for the invite - I suppose it's ok if I bring cousin Lulu (names changed to protect the innocent) who is staying that weekend?' She does this quite often - bringing/ inviting extra people along to stuff - family days out etc. Usually presented as a fait accompli or as a 'you don't mind if Jessica joins us that day?' while Jessica is sitting there smiling at us, so it's impossible to say no! It drives DH mad but we have always just gone along with it to keep the peace.

Anyway, this time DH has decided to say no, mainly because he thinks FIL (very acrimoniously divorced from MIL and has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's) will struggle if MIL comes with back-up from cousin Lulu. He can just about cope with her on her own but DH thinks an extra strange person on her 'side' (MIL and Lulu were not in contact prior to PIL's divorce so he doesn't actually know her) will probably send him into a flap. If it comes down to it DH would rather have FIL happy than MIL plus Lulu in attendance.

So, he sent back a reply saying 'ideally not as will already be a squash' (this is true, we are mid-kitchen renovation - it was meant to be finished by now and is very much not) 'why don't you two come over earlier in the day instead?' MIL argued one more person wouldn't make a difference, DH doubled down, MIL insisted, DH insisted not... upshot is MIL is furious (turns out she had already invited Lulu) and has now said she won't come at all, will post DC's card, and is telling Lulu the whole thing is cancelled due to the kitchen not being finished.

Despite not being generally given to taking MIL's side in things I think DH may be being a bit unreasonable as:
1- we obviously could fit one more person in despite the kitchen situation, so it's a really rubbish excuse
2- FIL is quite likely to bail at the last minute anyway - he has always been a bit flaky with social events and now quite often doesn't feel up to it at the last minute
3- having let the inviting random people to things go on for ages without telling her it annoys him, it's slightly harsh of DH to dig his heels in now when it's actually an event she's really bothered about.

Anyway, I am being outwardly supportive of DH because I think this actually all has a lot more to do with how he's feeling about his dad's diagnosis than it does to do with MIL or Lulu, but privately I think he is being a bit unreasonable!

YABU: DH is fully justified in refusing to back down and let MIL bring Lulu
YANBU: DH ought to pick a different hill to die on

OP posts:
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Original poster
AveAtqueVale · 28/09/2025 16:49

thepariscrimefiles · 28/09/2025 12:13

I'm sorry that both you and your DH have difficult mums to deal with.

Thank you for using the phrase 'in high dudgeon' though! It's definitely not used enough and it really paints a picture of the unreasonable behaviour.

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I also like the phrase - and feel it conveys the exact level of bosom-hoiking that went on 😂.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 28/09/2025 12:13

AveAtqueVale · 28/09/2025 09:17

Ok I agree IABU! I was a bit on the fence because I am a massive people-pleaser/ extremely susceptible to guilt-trips (well-trained by my own family of origin 🙄) and was feeling a bit sorry for MIL after her latest 'woe is me' text about it all. But actually you're all absolutely right. And in general I usually wish DH would stand up to her/ put his foot down about more, so IABVU to be wibbling about it now.

To clarify a few things - he didn't want to tell MIL the real problem would be FIL coping because she doesn't know about the Alzheimer's diagnosis. He hasn't wanted to tell her because it's FIL's private medical information and he would absolutely hate her to know, and also because he thinks she'll either gloat in a poorly concealed manner or go on and on with faux concern about it if she knows (I suspect she would do both).

Birthday DC's older siblings would be pleased to see MIL if she came (and probably also Lulu) but would be equally pleased to see them earlier in the day, and will not be bothered or upset they aren't at the party.

I think she brings people partly as moral/ emotional support (she hates not having someone to talk to/at at all times so if there is any danger of that brings an extra bod for the purposes 😂), especially at the odd occasion where she might not know everyone - but mostly because she likes 'showing off'... I'm not sure what? The DC? Us? Her relationship with us that lets her just include people? She did it with same DC's baptism earlier this year - a friend who we'd literally met once before - but a couple of people weren't able to come last minute so it didn't really make a difference, and we just went with it.

I generally find her quite difficult, but have been much less bothered about the random extras than DH, probably because I grew up in a family where we always seemed to have random extras at every event, and boundaries generally are seen as rudeness 😂. My mother is still outraged that I asked her to call ahead if she wanted to pop in when she kept turning up unannounced and interrupting DS1's naps when he was a baby (he is now 11). She went home in high dudgeon the first time I said actually it wasn't convenient (after refusing to call ahead as asked) and still periodically brings it up as an example of my EXTREMELY odd behaviour since growing up and doing things differently to how she would (ie wrongly)... OTOH DH thinks that when he was growing up MIL would have found it very rude/ annoying for someone to keep inviting extras along to things, and therefore finds it even more annoying that she does it to us now!

Edited

I'm sorry that both you and your DH have difficult mums to deal with.

Thank you for using the phrase 'in high dudgeon' though! It's definitely not used enough and it really paints a picture of the unreasonable behaviour.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 28/09/2025 11:24

NellieElephantine · 28/09/2025 10:32

we dont all need to be so closed off to being charitable or flexible towards family members. Ah the old 'be kind' that only ever runs one way.... be flexible to MILs tantrums, sod FIL?

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Yes, live and let live only applies to the stroppy mares wanting to have the people they want. Doesn't apply to the people who planned the event they wanted, does it?

I asked my mum about Christmas plans to visit with our son. She shut it down saying she "wasn't making plans for Christmas yet" and in the same breath "we'll be coming down to you at NY" - which was news to me! I pointed out that we had plans with friends over NY.

The people bemoaning "inflexibility" are ALWAYS the ones who want things their way without deviation.

Slipperhead · 28/09/2025 10:38

So you are a people pleaser?
Your MIL sounds unpleasant and no it is not her right to bring randomers.
The fact she might gloat about your FIL is particularly ugly.
Support your husband who is dealing with a lot.
Do not undermine him because you are a people pleaser and easily manipulated.

If you have an ounce of loyalty you will shut MIL down and make it very clear you support your poor husband.

NellieElephantine · 28/09/2025 10:32

once1caughtafishalive · 28/09/2025 07:38

Life is too short. Id much rather have my mum there alongside her cousin who's visiting, than not have my mum there at all.

So many people on here have a stick up their ass when it comes to "boundary setting" with relatives. Just live and let live, it will hardly make a bloody difference and we dont all need to be so closed off to being charitable or flexible towards family members.

Back in the 90s people had such a different attitude towards hosting, we've all become so closed off

we dont all need to be so closed off to being charitable or flexible towards family members. Ah the old 'be kind' that only ever runs one way.... be flexible to MILs tantrums, sod FIL?

fromthegecko · 28/09/2025 10:30

Luxio · 28/09/2025 10:19

The situation only worked in the past because she was left unchallenged and got her own way.

Also she really doesn't need to know about his medical situation it's none of her business.

Edited
Show quote history

They'll only be able to keep it from her if they stop inviting her to family gatherings altogether. But it's up to DH, either way.

Luxio · 28/09/2025 10:19

fromthegecko · 28/09/2025 10:09

MIL sounds a bit difficult, but she and DH had a modus vivendi that worked, until the situation arose where he felt he had to lie to her, and she probably realised he was lying, about his reasons for turning the cousin away, which maybe upset her more than the refusal itself. They'll just have to sort it out between themselves. She'll need to know about FIL, and that that might limit additional visitors, eventually.

The situation only worked in the past because she was left unchallenged and got her own way.

Also she really doesn't need to know about his medical situation it's none of her business.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2025 10:17

he thinks she'll either gloat in a poorly concealed manner or go on and on with faux concern about it if she knows (I suspect she would do both).

This shows just how right DH is. That makes her sound like a really nasty cow. He’s known her a lot longer than you have, it’s admirable he’s drawing a line and you’re right to realise he deserves your support and agreement. His poor dad. It’s such a cruel disease. I hope FIL does feel about to come and celebrate with you.

fromthegecko · 28/09/2025 10:09

MIL sounds a bit difficult, but she and DH had a modus vivendi that worked, until the situation arose where he felt he had to lie to her, and she probably realised he was lying, about his reasons for turning the cousin away, which maybe upset her more than the refusal itself. They'll just have to sort it out between themselves. She'll need to know about FIL, and that that might limit additional visitors, eventually.

Cherrysoup · 28/09/2025 09:47

Presumably she knows the date of her dgc’s birthday and has deliberately invited Lulu therefore, thinking she’ll bring her. I think Dh needs to tell her to stop inviting random extras so that she gets the idea. This would drive me nuts. My dm used to do it and caused a massive fall out when she wanted to bring her student lodgers to a family christening. It is not up to your mil who comes to your house and her trying to insist is absolutely outrageous.

KiwiFall · 28/09/2025 09:46

I’m with DH too. First time it happened maybe but it’s not is it? Plus your MIL knows when it is her DGS’s 1st birthday so I think she engineered it all (again!). It’s disrespectful to you bringing random people to your family events without asking before she promises them an invite.

hididdlyho · 28/09/2025 09:44

MIL sounds difficult (putting it mildly). I'm guessing she has form for making any event all about her and her preferences? If she'd rather throw her toys out of the pram and not come to her grandchild's first birthday, rather than uninviting the cousin, then I'm not surprised your husband has put his foot down on this.

Timeforabitofpeace · 28/09/2025 09:31

You do not insist that you bring extra guests to someone else’s house. You don’t have that right. It is entitled and rude.

NaranjaDreams · 28/09/2025 09:24

it's slightly harsh of DH to dig his heels in now when it's actually an event she's really bothered about.

If she was really bothered about it, she’d apologise to Lulu and come anyway.

I understand where you’re coming from but someone has to break the chain of people pleasing/having no boundaries, and as you and DH are not doing it, you’re passing that on to your children.

It’s hard to do what he’s done, and even harder without spousal support. Ignore the “woe is me” messages, and use this as the start of a new leaf. Don’t pass this generational rubbish down to your children.

It shows clearly how ridiculous this all is that she’s having a tantrum about it and fully expecting you all to just give in like usual.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/09/2025 09:23

Your husband isn't being unreasonable. Some situations its OK to invite others to, although it's polite to ask first. But a kids birthday tea is not OK (unless the relative is very close to the child and even then - you ask first)

Moveoverdarlin · 28/09/2025 09:23

I try and do most things to avoid a drama, so I would have let Lulu come, I’d shove her in the corner with a glass of Prosecco and I just wouldn’t let it bother me. Your MIL bringing an old cousin to a one year old’s party (for what, two hours?) is just not a big deal. Don’t get me wrong I would moan and think it’s a bit weird but I’d slag her off behind her back, messaging someone ‘no you can’t bring her’ is bound to cause an argument. Does she want to bring ‘a friend’ as moral support because she knows her ex DH will be there?

Now there’s a fall out to deal with and I know some families thrive on that, so sometimes it’s easier to let things go.

MeridianB · 28/09/2025 09:20

Frozensun · 28/09/2025 02:45

I think your husband is more than reasonable. He made an alternative offer, which MIL has declined. She’s the one that’s escalated, and he is sticking to his boundary. At some stage there needs to be a conversation about extra ‘guests’.

This. Why on earth does she need to bring an entourage with her every time? Ask her.

SoScarletItWas · 28/09/2025 09:18

StMichaelPenkevil · 28/09/2025 06:19

It’s great that you’re supporting your husband even though you feel he’s a bit U. It seems that he’s had enough and has drawn a line which is probably well overdue. I expect MIL and Lulu will rock up anyway which will be a challenge to deal with on the day.

Your DH sounds fab TBH and has finally said that enough is enough; you’ve got a good one there.

i now have the song ‘Don’t Bring Lulu’ in my head and this will be the sound Track to my day!

Glad it wasn’t just me singing that!

Am also TeamDH here. Uninvited Lulu on the birthday is the straw that broke the camel’s back when he’s already upset with DF’s diagnosis. MiL has overstepped (again).

I guess the only question I’d have is - does MiL invite these random people because they then drive her or something?

Original poster
AveAtqueVale · 28/09/2025 09:17

Ok I agree IABU! I was a bit on the fence because I am a massive people-pleaser/ extremely susceptible to guilt-trips (well-trained by my own family of origin 🙄) and was feeling a bit sorry for MIL after her latest 'woe is me' text about it all. But actually you're all absolutely right. And in general I usually wish DH would stand up to her/ put his foot down about more, so IABVU to be wibbling about it now.

To clarify a few things - he didn't want to tell MIL the real problem would be FIL coping because she doesn't know about the Alzheimer's diagnosis. He hasn't wanted to tell her because it's FIL's private medical information and he would absolutely hate her to know, and also because he thinks she'll either gloat in a poorly concealed manner or go on and on with faux concern about it if she knows (I suspect she would do both).

Birthday DC's older siblings would be pleased to see MIL if she came (and probably also Lulu) but would be equally pleased to see them earlier in the day, and will not be bothered or upset they aren't at the party.

I think she brings people partly as moral/ emotional support (she hates not having someone to talk to/at at all times so if there is any danger of that brings an extra bod for the purposes 😂), especially at the odd occasion where she might not know everyone - but mostly because she likes 'showing off'... I'm not sure what? The DC? Us? Her relationship with us that lets her just include people? She did it with same DC's baptism earlier this year - a friend who we'd literally met once before - but a couple of people weren't able to come last minute so it didn't really make a difference, and we just went with it.

I generally find her quite difficult, but have been much less bothered about the random extras than DH, probably because I grew up in a family where we always seemed to have random extras at every event, and boundaries generally are seen as rudeness 😂. My mother is still outraged that I asked her to call ahead if she wanted to pop in when she kept turning up unannounced and interrupting DS1's naps when he was a baby (he is now 11). She went home in high dudgeon the first time I said actually it wasn't convenient (after refusing to call ahead as asked) and still periodically brings it up as an example of my EXTREMELY odd behaviour since growing up and doing things differently to how she would (ie wrongly)... OTOH DH thinks that when he was growing up MIL would have found it very rude/ annoying for someone to keep inviting extras along to things, and therefore finds it even more annoying that she does it to us now!

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 28/09/2025 09:17

I would back your husband on this. My mil would do this- we had a tiny birthday for my youngest, no cousins, and she asks if dbil and son can come. She is just prioritising other grandchildren over ours and other children over my dh even when it’s my dds birthday, it happens all the time. It doesn’t matter how serious the occasion- if she really wanted to go why didn’t she say ok just me then and come?? This is on her playing favourites and a power play. Party on without her. And if she says ‘I can’t/couldnt upset lulu ‘ the response is ‘you were fine with upsetting dh so I don’t see why you couldn’t upset lulu, it’s almost like dhs feelings don’t matter.’

Thisismyalterego · 28/09/2025 09:16

The only time I would ask ds if I could bring someone to a birthday celebration for dgs, would be if the extra person was another family member that we all have a good relationship with. And I would ask ds before I asked the other person.
Your DH is absolutely right to be considering his dad's feelings. And if this cousin is unknown to your FIL, how well does DH, you and your dcs know them? Your mil has been allowed to get away with overstepping in the past and now assumes she can carry on inviting extras to your events. Good on DH for finally saying no.
Edited for typo.

PinkBobby · 28/09/2025 09:15

AveAtqueVale · 28/09/2025 02:35

DH and MIL have a tricky relationship but on the surface are fairly ok with each other and we see her usually every few weeks (or at least he and the DC do). It's our youngest DC's first birthday next week and she was invited over for birthday tea. She messaged the other day to say 'Thanks for the invite - I suppose it's ok if I bring cousin Lulu (names changed to protect the innocent) who is staying that weekend?' She does this quite often - bringing/ inviting extra people along to stuff - family days out etc. Usually presented as a fait accompli or as a 'you don't mind if Jessica joins us that day?' while Jessica is sitting there smiling at us, so it's impossible to say no! It drives DH mad but we have always just gone along with it to keep the peace.

Anyway, this time DH has decided to say no, mainly because he thinks FIL (very acrimoniously divorced from MIL and has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's) will struggle if MIL comes with back-up from cousin Lulu. He can just about cope with her on her own but DH thinks an extra strange person on her 'side' (MIL and Lulu were not in contact prior to PIL's divorce so he doesn't actually know her) will probably send him into a flap. If it comes down to it DH would rather have FIL happy than MIL plus Lulu in attendance.

So, he sent back a reply saying 'ideally not as will already be a squash' (this is true, we are mid-kitchen renovation - it was meant to be finished by now and is very much not) 'why don't you two come over earlier in the day instead?' MIL argued one more person wouldn't make a difference, DH doubled down, MIL insisted, DH insisted not... upshot is MIL is furious (turns out she had already invited Lulu) and has now said she won't come at all, will post DC's card, and is telling Lulu the whole thing is cancelled due to the kitchen not being finished.

Despite not being generally given to taking MIL's side in things I think DH may be being a bit unreasonable as:
1- we obviously could fit one more person in despite the kitchen situation, so it's a really rubbish excuse
2- FIL is quite likely to bail at the last minute anyway - he has always been a bit flaky with social events and now quite often doesn't feel up to it at the last minute
3- having let the inviting random people to things go on for ages without telling her it annoys him, it's slightly harsh of DH to dig his heels in now when it's actually an event she's really bothered about.

Anyway, I am being outwardly supportive of DH because I think this actually all has a lot more to do with how he's feeling about his dad's diagnosis than it does to do with MIL or Lulu, but privately I think he is being a bit unreasonable!

YABU: DH is fully justified in refusing to back down and let MIL bring Lulu
YANBU: DH ought to pick a different hill to die on

I think overall it’s okay/healthy for your husband to make this kind of boundary clear, even if the timing isn’t ideal. Ultimately, your MIL cared more about her friend’s feelings than her son’s and that is quite telling about the dynamic he has to deal with. Having watched a similar situation play out, I think it’s easy to see it as a series of small ‘sacrifices’ but it can really add up. This may all be wrapped up in a lot of childhood stuff for your husband that has caused years and years of frustration. Plus, as you mention, his feelings re his dad may be exacerbating any issues.

I don’t think you’re being unfair though. Do you think you’re feeling the way you do because you want your MIL there or because you’re a people pleaser and don’t like the discomfort of the situation? I say this without judgement as I am massive people pleaser!

Tubs11 · 28/09/2025 09:11

Personally I would let her come with Lulu as this has been 'the norm' for so long, but I'd be making it very clear to her that this is the last time she suggests or asks to bring someone. That enough is enough and she doesn't get to dictate who she brings to events, all discussed privately and ahead of time moving forward.
While I completely agree with your DH I just don't think it will be worth the fall out and she might cooperate going forward rather than digging her heels in.

toomuchfaff · 28/09/2025 09:11

once1caughtafishalive · 28/09/2025 07:38

Life is too short. Id much rather have my mum there alongside her cousin who's visiting, than not have my mum there at all.

So many people on here have a stick up their ass when it comes to "boundary setting" with relatives. Just live and let live, it will hardly make a bloody difference and we dont all need to be so closed off to being charitable or flexible towards family members.

Back in the 90s people had such a different attitude towards hosting, we've all become so closed off

What about dad? Where does dad fit in all this? You'd much rather have the plus one (Lulu) there to make your mum happy, fair enough but at the detriment to dad who recently diagnosed with Alzheimers?

Because thats what's been explained?

You may prefer your own mum to your dad, but this situation has nuance.

OP support DH, his mum is out of order, and the petulant strop (I'm not coming now) is manipulative 101. Hes obviously dealt with it before.

Endofyear · 28/09/2025 09:05

I probably wouldn't have a problem with cousin Lulu coming but it's your DHs family and his drama to sort out so I'd probably just keep quiet about it! Especially as he's dealing with FIL diagnosis which is stressful and worrying 😟 try and stay out of the drama and enjoy your little one's first birthday!