ADVICE NEEDED - Ex doesnt want to tell our child about his secret baby

I'd email him something like

'I have considered this situation very carefully.

I understand that you don't want our child to know about the new baby.

However, my sole concern is our child's wellbeing, and keeping a secret like this from them is a mistake.

The truth would inevitably come out and could damage both our relationships with them.

I have therefore told them the truth about the new baby in very simple terms.

While I understand that you will not be happy about this, our child's happiness is my only concern.'

I'm also interested if your child's paternal grandparents know, or if he plans to keep it a secret from them too. He may not only be trying to protect his reputation with your child but stop your child leaking it back to his Mum and Dad....

Tell him that either he tells your DC, or you do.

Batshit to try and keep it a secret.

You will have to live with this dark lump in your heart if you keep his secret for him.

And then when your child is old enough to discover that they have a hidden half sibling, that their own father disowned their own child ... and that YOU KNEW (and they will find all this out) ... Nuclear.

Imagine the reading of the will and an unknown sibling suddenly turns up to challenge.

Tell your child now. Age and individual-appropriate language, of course, keeping your emotions and opinions of ex's behaviour, your tone and expression under strict control. A casual, simple mention, ensuring they know they can ask anything they feel they need to.

Your ex is a controlling arsehole. But you already know that.

He will need to know your child knows - it can't come as a surprise in conversation with them.

I'd say send ex a formal email setting out what you have told your child. And never be alone with him.

What a prince. You’re well rid of him.

He can't have nothing to do with the child unless he's planning to move abroad for the next 18+ years; he'll be on the hook financially (and this may impact you too if you're receiving CMS). You've done the right thing giving him the chance to tell your child first but he has now said that he won't. He can't forbid you to tell her and he's delusional if he thinks she'll never find out!! Even if you agreed it was best not to tell, if the mum and others your child has contact with are being open about who the dad is your child is going to hear it soon enough anyway. In this specific case I don't think I'd necessarily proactively tell her but I also wouldn't deny it if she asked about it.

He can’t stop you telling your child anything. Now might not be the right time though.

I agree - my DD knew everything about the private family matters of most people in her class. I’m also a primary school teacher and children talk openly about everything they’ve heard at home/in other children’s houses.

It has never ceased to amaze me, the stories my children have brought home from school. Really private family business that children overheard and then in their innocent repeated in the school yard.
My two daughters were absolutely brutal for it.
I knew far too much about the drama's, affairs, finances losses, in other highly respectable, affluent homes.
Unbelievable stuff.

So OP, get infront of this and explain it to your daughter in a very calm, no dramatic way.

A very good statement to say is "Adult relationships can be very complicated and difficult to understand when you are very young"

Assure her that life will not change for her and you love her very much.

Wishing you strength.

OP, do what you think is best for you and your child. Don't worry about your ex or your friend who have shown no loyalty to you.

As so many people are aware of theh situation, I think you should be the one to tell your child, just in case he finds out from the children of the people your ex-friend has told about it.

You ex-DH is a twat, so I wouldn't worry about upsetting him and your 'friend' isn't much better.

Talk to Women's aid and consider the police.
This is a coercive abusive ex partner.
Absolutely tell your child. They will hear about this, without a doubt.
No way would I tolerate the opportunity for them to hear about this from someone else.

You feel threatened by him.
You need advice, support and report him.
HE doesn't get to control what you tell your child.

You don't think it's wrong to keep it from a child that they have a sibling?

He doesn’t get to tell you what to do!

Tell your child the truth. I am assuming they know your “friend” so just say Sarah is having a baby in January and daddy is the baby’s father. That means the baby will be your half brother or sister.

Your DC will surely have friends who have half siblings. Do you intend to facilitate a relationship between the siblings? I probably would.

You must tell your DC. It is only by way of adults, after acrimonious relationships and breakups complicating things, that children are hurt and confused.

This matter is between you and your child. The way your ex handles it with DC, is up to him,
but it is your duty to protect your DC from the toxic behaviour of his father, from the gossip of others and to try if possible (when the time is right), to allow your DC to have a relationship with half sibling. No guarantees though!

You know that you are under absolutely no obligation to do what your ex says. You are also under no obligation to discuss this with him either. He has lost any rights on this due to his behaviour and he is your ex.

The children come first!

Your child deserves to know who his siblings are, even more so when they live so close and he is likely to find out from someone else. Surely it's better hearing it from a parent than in the school playground.

sod your ex he has already proved himself to be a selfish arse and not telling your so. Is purely him not wanting your son to think badly of him for cheating. Personally I would put any grievances aside and speak to your friend/ex friend and say that you would like your son to to be able to have a relationship with the baby as it is his half sibling. If she agrees and you can work it out the you should tell your son. If she does not agree then telling your son will
at this stage only cause him hurt and damage I. Which case I think you have to wait til he is older and tell him and explain that you did your best to try and facilitate a relationship but it just wasn’t possible and if he decides to try for himself support him and be there for him. I’d let your ex go to hell with his opinion.

But being upset doesn't constitute damaged mental health for an 8 year old. Honestly, it's such an abused term. Being upset/sad/ depressed/worried to a degree about life events is a normal part of life and contributes to building resilience. Which seems to be sadly lacking in our society given the massive rise in people who apparently can't work because of 'anxiety and depression'.

Tell your child who has a right to know they have a half sibling.

He is your ex and a complete failure as a man and as a father who should not be listened to.

Indeed - sibling attraction is a known phenomenon, when they have grown up apart

You don't have to follow his "rules" its perfectly ok for you to formulate your own.

Is it likely that this sibling is likely to be leaked by on of the group of friends?

Does your ex still have regular contact with their father?

Very true. Better to find out now.

If you all live locally, in 20 years time they could be on a night out and bump into each other and possibly start a relationship - they need to know about each others existence

An ex doesn’t get to dictate what you do.

Secrets and lies are toxic. If you genuinely think your child should be aware and will cope at this point with the information then talk to your ‘friend’ and discuss options.

Are you still friends? Will the children be part of the same friendship group? What does she want as regards a sibling relationship?

I would think through as many scenarios as possible before saying anything because there are a lot of variables but 100% be honest with your child. One lying parent is plenty.